words that form sentences

one of my gram's email quotes stuck with me this week...

"You must learn how to make it on the broken pieces."

...it's a beautiful way of saying ya have to "woman up" and deal. this week i accept that crap stuff will come and it will go and while it's happening i'll skip amongst the broken pieces...improv a dance and do my own thang.

i'm reading this amazingly sweet book by maya angelou "letters to my daughter". she writes these lovely letters to all her daughters of the world giving them pieces of her life (the broken pieces that made her the person she now is)

she came right out and said "stop complaining" and by golly i'm gonna do what she tells me to do. i respect the lady...i think she knows a thing or two ; )

i searched frantically for things that would bring happiness..i picked up some good books that i knew i could devour (if ya ain't eatin' the pages, it ain't the book for ya), i searched for new music that i could get lost in (check out asa), i worked my arse off in my abs & leg work out class...i've taken some long showers...had lovely conversations with friends i love dearly...it's all helped.

finding joy in the small things...

dark chocolate: naughty talk

funny story:

so blackberry phones do this weird text message thing...if you save a message in your inbox and that same person later writes a new message it will pull the previous message and make it look like the conversation has continued from that point. keep that in mind.

so i go thru my inbox this morning and delete most of my messages but i leave one message from the best bud "CNN projected Obama winner!!!" from november...

then she writes again today so it looks like first she writes the above message and then follows up with "tastes like dark chocolate...yum"

i'm about to pee my pants laughing.

a twitch test to consider

a wise crack head once said in a very cool movie, "Welcome to Hollywood! What's your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don't; but keep on dreamin' - this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin'. "

i always knew movies would be my inspiration but i never thought that the content of a movie would apply...life is full of little suprises, ain't it?!

my blogs have gotten so sparce. lol i feel so guilty about writing such negative crap all the time so i've drifted off a bit. without complaining i think i can give a playback of what's been going in my brain lately though. (have to take advantage of the good days)

it's no suprise that la has bullied me a bit. learning new people, new hustles, new life lessons hasn't been a walk in the park and sometimes i don't know if the darn stuff is worth it. (honestly) last week i spent a lot of time wondering if i should give up on acting. the auditions are few and far apart, the rejections are hard to swallow and my heart's passion is shadowed by fears.

i'm going to go on auto pilot for a bit. if auditions come during that time so be it but i can't handle the pressure of thinking about my dream 24/7...i wake up, eat breath , sleep acting...i have to chill out and listen to what the world is trying to tell me.

i've never once faltered on my dreams...not once since i was four. anyone can tell you i've been a persistent little thing about the whole thing...so adamant that it would happen because something in my heart had promised me so. i laugh and cry thinking of that little kid. she was pretty frickin adorable i must say.

i'm not ready to let her completely go but i also don't want to be that crazy weird old lady that's still chasing after a dream that left her years before.

"some dreams come true, some don't"...

the "don't" still makes me twitch...it's that twitch that keeps me from giving up completely. do our dreams make us who we are? am i that? i wonder how much of my identity i've built around this. these are all things i'll get to the bottom of in the next couple of months. not an easy task i know but it's all about that twitch. it gives me a certain strength when i'm at my weakest...when nothing makes sense i know that an unconscious physical response like a twitch has to mean something.

when in doubt i gravitate towards things with meaning...good rule of thumb.

ah man....bummer

so i came home to find this message in my lovely inbox:

April 22, 2009
Dear Actor:
Thank you for submitting your monologue submission to Film Life’s Star Project. Due to the high number of entries and only six finalist positions, we regret to inform you that you did not make it to the final round. Submissions were judged on overall performance and the highest six scoring actors were selected as the finalists. We greatly appreciate your submission and hope you will join us at the ABFF, June 24 – June 27, in Miami.
In honor of our actors, we are extending a special discount to you: $125 off the ABFF festival pass currently priced at $475 to give you a special rate of $350 when you register online. Please log onto http://www.abff.com and enter promotional code: SP125 at check-out. Please note that this discount is through the close of pre-registration, May 8th.
We look forward to seeing your work again in the future and hopefully meeting you in June.
Kind regards,
(protecting the innocent)
Programming Coordinator

i guess some things just aren't meant to be. man the life of an actor is shitty pardon my language...or maybe it's just me. i'm going on a tiny bit of sleep, a day filled with bad bad fights and break ups with a certain someone who i never thought i'd have bad fights and break ups with and some semi good semi bad health news...they say God gives us only what we can handle. i wish i could fake a weaker heart.

:( keep to the grind or hang up the towel? it's been such a rough day...i'll save that question for a safer day.

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5 year old lipstick

i burst open the tube and your color spreads over my memories
each kiss puckered on my brain

beach plum eskimos from years ago
i leave kisses on a 2 way mirror (kisses only i can see)

sitting in the shade of 5 year old lipstick

9:13 am tm

right month to write a poem

A poem is pulsing thru my head

It’s breaking from my heart,

It’s moving in and out my veins

Burning me apart

It’s leaking onto pages and pouring out thru tears

This poem is exposing every hurt,

every nightmare every fear

It’s telling him to listen,

It’s murmuring the truth

It’s clawing for some easy

Demanding blood sweat and tooth

This poem has hidden in the baggage

Paused in every new open door

It’s turned me into ice

Frozen the pain into my core

This poem holds me captive

Spells me out of sleep

Witches me into telling him

my happiness he can’t keep

This poem’s pain morphs into my soul

Creeps into my brain

Convinces me to share these thoughts

Logic cathartic novocain

I’m numb to the consequences

That a poem like this creates

Maybe a random read

Will help out all our fates

Let this poem scratch and claw him

Shred his ego and his id

Break a cycle I’ve held too long

of expecting man slash kid

I’m tired of this poem

It’s cliché as hell I see

I just spoke my poem’s destruction

In order to salvage pain free me

2:39 a.m. tm

hot head

oh i have to talk about one more thing...

so the older i get the nastier i get i've decided. yesterday b and i were dropping off my cuz and her delightful (and entertaining Africaan friend i might add) pinky in huntington. we parked the car behind someone kind of cooky but b stood by the car for literally 5 minutes while waiting for me to get my keister out of dairy queen (rootbeer freeze...mmm)

i walk back to the car and as we're pulling out this man comes up to us and says, "i hope you're leaving" (twitch twitch from tishy)

as politely as i can muster i reply, "yes we're leaving" to which he yells back "if i ever catch you here again i swear i'll tow you"

hmmmm...simmer simmer simmer...BOIL expletives come piling out of tishy's mouth. "we're not coming back here again you #$!@$@J"

was that necessary? how many licks does it take to turn me into a ranting loon? how disappointing latisha. but i couldn't help it...i mean we were there for 5 minutes and the dude was no where...i swear he just felt like instigating some sort of fight club scenario with two obviously coachella-ed out chicks.

tsk tsk tsk. i was seriously heated for a good 30 minutes lol and while i knew this was absurd (no one should be able to raz us that easily or that quickly) i kept on.

to borrow a great line from steel magnolias "the older you get the meaner you get. well the older you get the uglier you get"

...it all applies. lol

coachella 2009

ahhhh how i love a music fest.

i'm coming off of my coachella high this fine monday morning and i have to say i'm twitching just a little bit. how i miss the crazy cool people that made people watching some of the craziest fun i've ever had and of course how i miss the music coming from every flippin direction.

i won't bore you with crazy detail but seriously the place had musical stimulation pumping and pouring from every part of that huge field we were in. we heard some new stuff and most importantly some great stuff that i've always loved like paolo nutini and james morrison (special suprise duo with joss stone) it was SWEET! as dash would say.

b had me dancing to house music (i never thought that would happen, one because i don't like it lol and two because i don't have that kind of energy anymore--i mustered some up though) we laughed it up with my cuz shell and her totally entertaining friend (the man called pinky). watch for video of some of his lovely conversations lol.

we ate horribly bad for us good food (hurt so good) and plopped down in the grass from time to time to enjoy the cool sounds of the day and night.

my legs are aching today but it's worth it. reminds me that i'm alive and how every so often i'm lucky enough to do something new and fresh that makes my heart tingle.

anyone down for coachella 2010?

nauseated but still laughing

we are not our sicknesses...we are not ailments...

this is a hard statement to say and mean. when green faces take over, our brains tend to zone into whatever's keepin us down and it's hard to remember that it's not the end all.

the meds i'm on have made me a sick puppy lately and therefore i haven't been the shiniest star on the report card but today i kinda got sick of focusing on it. i mean it was still very apparent that my body was going in a different direction that my upbeat optimistic noggin but what ev...as soon as i got an appetite, i ate. as soon as i ate, i could crack jokes and then it was over.

b and i grabbed some starbucks over a work break, hung out after work, ate on the floor in her living room and talked about boys and giggled for a couple of hours and all the green faced me melted away. i was back to my old goofy ridiculous self and it felt so good.

laughter really is the best medicine...sorry for the lame cliche but it's true! (and for some reason i know have milli vanilli stuck in my head.)


today is the day my friends and things are CHECKIN OUT! i'm doing good..maybe even great on this fine monday morning. i'm a tiny bit nervous but i was up late last night giggling with b, which led to large amounts of coffee this morning so i could be on a numbing caffeine high who knows.

i think it's good to get out all the nasty stress & bad energy as soon as you possibly can. once you've done it...once you've exhausted every tear duct you turn into this amazing G. my approach to handling the boo boo in life may be a little odd but hey, it works.

this week hopefully i'll find out news on a lot of stuff...i'll find out whether or not i go to a film festival for my superb acting skill-y-ohs, i'll find out if i booked the job i went to a go-see for on saturday and hopefully i find out that my body is a-ok and totally c free. it's the trifecta of good news. can you dig it? (look up the word trifecta in the dictionary) it'll put a smile on your face...well if you don't apply it literally that is...

someone has to tell the scaredy cat's story

because i'm real i have to KEEP it real and tell you dear friends all the boo boo i've put myself thru this week. i haven't been the sweetest cupcake in the box i'll tell you that.

so back in november i found out thru some tests that i had some abnormal cells growing in the bawd...so my doctor being the cool dude that he is decided we wouldn't freak out...we'd just monitor the situation..so three weeks ago i go in for my follow up and low and behold the cells have decided to make friends and go buck wild so the doc gives me the bad news that a biopsy needs to be done.

this is where the real comes in. i'm no gangster. when it comes to my health i'm a big fat baby. you hear stories of these amazing women that look sickness in the eye and say "bring it foo"...that is not me. lol. this is what i do. i freak a tiny bit...then i gain a false sense of cool and tell everyone i'm ok..then i freak OUT then i'm calm because i have no more tears left...that's me in a nut shell.

so yeah...my sis was with me when i found out i'd need to do the biopsy and so i laughed it off with yogurt but then this week it really hit me hard. this procedure is painful and all of a sudden i'm making plans alone to drive myself to the appointment, get 'err done and then drive myself home and sit the rest of the night by myself chillin. (sound appealing to anyone?) i got a bit angry and then just bawled all night long. i just kept thinking about how my support system is chillin back in missouri and i would not want to do it out here alone. i told my fam i would refuse treatment because there would be absolutely no way i'd handle that ish well alone. who flies solo ? besides rosario dawson in 7 pounds (she's now my role model by the way)

anyways...i got passed that state of mind thank goodness. i spoke with email boyfriend, my mom and j...they all in their own ways helped shake me out of my pity party and into reality. yes, it will suck if i were to find out bad news from all this mess (which was rescheduled today by the way!!!) but i can handle it...

it's ok that i'm not the sweetest cupcake every day...as long as i bounce back and try my hardest. i can handle this real perspective stuff. i can write and blog about it too because gosh darn it i'm real and sometimes life gets nasty and we forget how to be perky and pessimistic.

and it's ok...not all of us can be saints 24/7...someone's gotta tell the scaredy cat's story!!! keepin it real feels so much better at the end of the day.

13 miles of freedom

oh how sublime it is to finish a 13 mile run you've been training for for the last 3 months.

this whole weekend was one long thought, "it's run weekend...what did i get myself into?!" i woke up yesterday morning and all the lazy bad negative thoughts started clouding my head: couldn't i just skip it? i had run enough...could i even make it after not having run any big mile sunday runs in 3 weeks.

i did it though. runs like that mess with your head...by mile 4 i was starting to go a bit crazy. just thinking, "ok only 9 more miles to go" will mess with you a bit. i did something no one should ever attempt. i ran the whole thing on a treadmill...by myself in an empty gym. without human interaction and interesting television to watch your mind starts to bug out a bit.

somehow though i kept running and running...totally channeling my best bud j. she had run the official real half marathon the day before. i had to make her proud...couldn't let her down...couldn't have done all those dang work outs 6 days a week for the past 3 months in vain..so i kept pushing and pushing.

j recommonded these energy gel things you squirt in your mouth to help you maintain energy and thank GOD she did...i don't think i would have made it seriously without them. i was a calorie burning fool after the first hour...i had nothing left to give.

i'm still in awe right now...when i made it to 12.90 miles i started to lose it a bit...i was laughing hysterically and started sprinting to pump out that dang last part and then i was done...it was CRAZY! i slept for an hour after that darn thing and today i'm probably not gonna be able to do my abs and leg class but it's all good. i beat out the negative little devil sitting on my shoulder thru out that entire run...i told her to stick it and let me be...

thank you j for getting me thru this...all the texts letting me know i wasn't alone in the hellacious training. love you!!!

engagement party old school style

today was a darn good day. not only did i have a great time at the acting workshop i've started to attend on saturdays but i just got back from this awesome engagement party. life is fun.

this acting workshop was great...no matter where you are in your life, no matter how intelligent, successful, etc else you are you must always remember that the grasshopper will one day school the teacher. today in class we sat in a huge circle and discussed the business of acting. it was good to share stories with people that keep it real, leave out all the pretentious bull crap that destroys my attention span and are eager to help...i repeat--EAGER TO HELP! lol.

it was an informative morning that left me feeling empowered...as opposed to feeling even more overwhelmed and powerless.

the engagement party consisted of home made gumbo, monkey bread, great aunt renee and others who made my time in ladera heights unforgettable. my dear friend gale and her fiance got the whole gosh darn wonderful fam together..we laughed, drank, ate and swayed to "ain't no woman like the one i got"...it was such a fun night. : )

i needed that considering tomorrow i will wake up bright and early and go run 13 miles...lol hopefully i stored that great energy. we'll see tomorrow! to be continued...

adventures of fart girl

spending a friday night like that of a 5 year old is a beautiful thing. so one of my girlfriends and i got together after work for some chill time with her son...the kid was cracking us up royally with his antics @ dinner but nothing topped him screaming out "fart girl get away from me" to his mother as he walked into a very crowded movie theater. there were two guys standing on the corner...they see the kid, then see his mom and then exclaim, "ewww". lol

my girlfriend was mortified but the stinker deserved it because she totally hot boxed in the car and almost killed us with her cruelty. (if you don't know what a hot box is turn to your neighbor and ask)

it only got better from there though. while watching the movie..in the dark...quiet all around us, the kid decides to do like mommy and let a HUGE one out... it even broke a bit to sound like two toots in one. LMAO. the guy to my left looks at me like I did the mess and my girl and her son are just crackin up laughing...

i swear my abs have never hurt that much from laughing. when you allow yourself to stop and smell the roses...along with the other not so sweet smelling things you open yourself up...you really live and boy did i need those little jolts to start my weekend off right. anything to get a gal laughing.

call me gross...weird...sick sad and twisted but don't call me void of life : )
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