sangria revelations

my oh my...sangria sho can bring the blood to a boil...get emotions going and force you to look at life with an intensity only alcohol's numbing effects can endure.

my kid sis and i had this intense conversation over dinner the other night with b in hermosa beach. we sat in an empty restaurant, plates of yummy spanish cuisine and a bottle of sangria pouring our hearts out and clearing the air in ways i've never allowed my heart to do in the past.

it's crazy how memories can be triggered and set off ...sort of the same way a land mine goes're strolling along, minding your own when something triggers a memory and you go off. when such scary times happen it helps to have your bests around to cushion the blow. i started out this week emotionally exhausted. i felt like my sis left too early...we didn't get a chance to finish what we started and keep the good stuff going that sprung from all the drama. hopefully it's a "to be continued". do you ever have those fire intense conversations with people? they seriously make you a better person if you really listen to what you're saying...what the other person is saying...

the kid sis is now engaged. i'm glad we're strong still because this is such a great surreal experience...the kid sister is marrying...and marrying a really good guy that makes me sleep better at night knowing he's taking care of her.

it's been such a weird week. i think starting running back up definitely helped lol. we all need some way to clear the air i guess...when sangria and friends aren't available running is my next best thing.

the kellers have come

so my kid sisters are in town. as i type i see girlie things draped over chairs and countertops...markers of the events we've participated in. 

nina arrived first and we went to a birthday bash in hollywood, followed it up with a world baseball classic event at dodger stadium monday (where i managed to get my wallet stolen) and good food nights with friends for the rest of the week.

i feel like la has been a weird escape from the life i made and always knew back home. having my family here takes me back a bit but also cements the life i've made's real now. 

i had some set backs this week...i had this HUGE acting gig come up. my agent called me hysterically happy only to find out that it fell through. i've had my identity taken from kiwi wallet all that good stuff but i've still got these great ladies that pop in and out of my life...sisters that can't be stolen and will visit me where ever i go to remind me of who i am and where i come from. 

it's good to know.

pictures to come. hopefully HOPEFULLY i get some great acting news soon...i'm working behind the scenes to make things happen.

march madness indeed

Damn the Man!!! Damn him damn him!

My company just put up a firewall against ESPN...Some of you are shrugging your shoulders right now wondering why that's such a big deal. It's a big deal my friends because I need to check on my brackets...I need to know how the teams are doing because I checked NOT over the weekend. Yeah, yeah yeah, it's my fault but my kid sis is in town. I don't think she would have appreciated waiting near a computer all day while I watched my points trickle in...hee hee

it's been fun so far though...having my kid sis in town that is. we went to pasadena when she first got here. had to introduce her to THE best hamburgers in the west...this little joint in old town called russell's. then we went to the house of blues on sunset with b for some birthday bash action. it was such a fun night...filled with shots, dancing, friends and mel's dining on highland. we both slept until noon on unheard of phenomenon. (pictures to come)

happy times. on the acting front...i spent the whole weekend stressed about this darn monologue i'm submitting to a film festival contest. i FINALLY have the final copy in my hands this morning...friday night i thought i'd break in two i was so distraught over it all. lol...dramatic twit that i am. sigh...

tonight the kid sis and i are going to dodger stadium for the world cup of baseball...forgot what that ish is called...can you tell this a sis activity? lol

happy monday!

march of dimes walk : ) help!

i'm doing a walk for the march of dimes soon and need help. if you have $5 and don't know what to do with it (hee hee) give to the babies!!!

visit my page and can do it!!! help the babies!

rockin' solo

so last night i attended a rock concert with b at the troubadour for a buddy of hers and while i had an AWESOME time listening to the tunage i couldn't help feeling like somehow i'm still living in that weird bubble of not knowing what the heck i'm doing with my life, who the heck i am and why the heck i've been put on this earth.

i shot a couple of takes of my monologue for that film festival contest last night and sadly (but apparently not too sad) i couldn't produce the oscar-winning tears necessary to hit it out of the park. sigh...i couldn't get my computer to participate with the actual burning of the footage so tonight i'll be trekking over to bree's abode to grab some copies to take over to don's place to burn. (did you catch all that).

i'm scared. what if it's not good enough?...what if i didn't produce the "get her done" performance necessary for this thing? sigh...

i sat at the concert...thinking about all of my loaded ponderings while purple and yellow lights flashed all around me and music rang thru my ears. the guys on stage were happy...their talent was blasting thru the speakers and you could see that they were happy in their skin doing what they love. i envy that feeling.

i focused on the troubadour sign above the stage looking for some kind of sign that i'm where i should be (ironic i would focus on an actual sign)...

neon signs unfortunately aren't good at answering questions though. pity

back in college i'd go out to a high school track on 23rd street and run 3 miles for clarity...maybe tonight's 5 miles will give me something to take the edge off. here's hoping!

march sadness

have i fallen prey to pity party "whoas me"...? have i spent too much time on running myself haggard on the treadmill? people...i forgot to do my picks for march madness!!! yes

something's not right. this isn't natural....this isn't me!!!

i'm hurt right now...really really hurt. i'm going to weep in a corner. sigh...

i now feel better. i have chosen...last year i won the bracket (duh i played against a bunch of ucla fans lol...and MY TEAM WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!) basically all these west coasters fear me...tremendously.

sigh...i have to find a pool darn it. anyone care to take a swim? : ) hee hee...

birthday quarantine

wa wa waaaaaaa....

i'm sick my birthday weekend. night out with my friends, cancelled...slept all day. missed acting class lol.

i'm not breaking open bottle tops...i'm breakin' fevers!!! oh yeah!

sigh...i don't feel like i need a pity party but how craptastic least i got in some b time yesterday. she took me to a mexican restaurant in pasadena that served yummy fajitas and had live mariachi...they sang to me and gave me flan with a candle. : )

lol...find the joy in everything. at least there's no running tomorrow.
: )

lunar lunatic

a lunar lunatic
looks to the moon
cries for peace
it can't come to soon...

the whole day felt like one big ball of bad my friends. everything and anything had me down and out...friends picking on me, birthday plans getting too complicated for my tastes, long hours at recognition for the 5 jamaican jobs i've been doing for the past 6 months. i'm so overwhelmed and sad that i can't cry. it's like i'm too full of worry to focus too long on one sad you ever have those moments? do you ever feel like a sponge that just can't squeeze out drops of water...just absorbing and absorbing stress with no release?

ugh...i feel like throwing up it's so terrible.

i know some of this is the big bad bright full (or almost full) moon out there and some of it is actually folks around me not realizing that i soak up all their ish whether i like it or not but either way there's a pending thunderstorm building in my eyes and the only way i know how to control it is to go to bed lol...sigh. first chuckle of the day.

i just need one tear to fall...just one and then maybe all the crap affecting me right now will evaporate. anyone got an onion? ever have one of those days?

spring forward

8 miles, a 5 hour shoot and 1 jamba juice later i can now break down the weekend in the proper tish way.

it was goood ya'll. friday was a little much. i was really nervous about the shoot that night...didn't sleep so well. woke up saturday morning HURTIN' but right before i left for the shoot i opened my Bible and turned to a random page that read "a glimpse of things to come: when all our best dreams will come true" (i have a student version)

i put the book down and smiled. whether this stuff produces nervous pangs or not i'm on the path i'm meant to be on...doing what i'm meant to do and that is a beautiful thing my friends. that little moment helped me get thru the first meet & greet with the photographer.

she was great by the way. this beautiful woman who used to model in italy who now shoots, is married to a musician and has an awesomely cool kid named paris (way before the socialite twit came along) who helped out at the beginning. she was just the kinda lady you want to know...she took me to a friend of hers who happens to be a big ass start from the young and the restless (can we say full circle?) this woman lives up in the hollywood hills in this amazing villa/mansion/mecca of home. i shot some there, at a park and in her studio and had a killer time posin' it up and transforming for the camera. i don't know what is about that lens but i get lost in it and che'nelle comes out to play (beyonce ain't the only one with an alter ego!)

the pics will be out in a couple of days and i can't wait to show the friends and fam the new stuff. she took some amazing pics that had me a bit teary-eyed. it's not every day someone transforms you from a catepillar to a butterfly.

after the shoot i met up with my girl e for a slumber party night. we grabbed good flicks, some yummy food and had a blast giggling it up...that is until i fell asleep DURING A MOVIE at 10 something...that photo shoot lasted 5 hours lol. it wore me the heck out!

i woke after sleeping for 12 hours and caught up on the 2 movies i basically missed lol...sorry e!!! you know i love ya!

today i ran 8 damn miles that nearly killed a sista and then napped for 30 and then hit the road with d for some "watchmen" action. i don't recommend the movie by the way lol...BOOOO! (but i do recommend hanging with my pal d...he pretty much rocks as a friend)

it was a good weekend. i got some business in, some fun and some good work out torture. i said this was my year...i still believe that. play time is over for the next week...time to memorize the monologue and get the career jumpin ; )

...we have the power to change so much. heck we can change the time and push it forward...we might as well push our careers too ; )

luv & kiwi...

i see the light, the light sees me

today was a great day. i had pickles (aka mini fires ) i had to put out at work but cared i did not...i STILL had what bill withers would classify as a lovely day.

it all started with some grey clouds, a lot of rain and spilled cinnamon dulce hot coffee on my shirt lol...i looked down, saw my coffee lid sitting on the wet pavement, picked it up, put it back on my cup, congratulated my gangster-ness and walked into work laughing.

lol...that set the sassy mood that kept me going thru out the day. email boyfriend and i had a good conversation. his company might go under so he gave me his resume, i gave it to a guy who works in his field and there might be an opportunity for the brutha to come out here and work. it felt good to help out, ya know? this is such a hard time for our economy. we have to do what we can to keep everyone going...that's my motto. boyfriend may be a work boyfriend lol. (if that even exists) so heyyyyyyyyy

i had this amazing run today ( i run fast like the wind ) and most importantly, i am seriously GEEKED about acting right now. i'm geeked about finding the perfect monologue for the friends are so great. they're all helping me search and i even have my debate coach from high school going to districts this weekend in search of some good stuff. it all comes full all makes sense in the end.

i think the chain of events that lead to me sitting here beaming over my computer could have been whatever on any other day but for some reason i have the light...i'm seeing everything and anything thru eyes of hopeful goodness...i see opportunity and hope in my dream. i see good people at my job. i see the beauty in my friends. (i even hear the beautiful songs my girl laura recorded and let me listen to over the phone--i'm not the only one with dreams starting to take off and happen!)

i see how life can be once you turn on the light inside. i see the light...and the light sees me.

still truckin'

i mentioned previously that i wasn't feeling connected (at all) to my dreams of acting and was contemplating a move back home. this scared some folks but i can only speak the truths (moulin for all you film geeks)

my gram sent a great email earlier this week to me in regards to holding on to the dream. this is what she wrote:
thinking about moving home because the acting thing seems like a hopeless dream? We'd love to have you home but you'll just be doing what we call a no-no!!!!!! The acting thingy will come true it's not a fluke/or an out of reach dream for you; it just takes time; your time, my time? Not in any way God's time; he knows what time is the best time for you so let loose and let God; "let Jesus(who is God(the trinity God, Jesus, and the Lord(Christ the Lord) are all one and a powerful one at that-smiles-); you've got a good job to carry you through until your acting career takes off big time(and for God's sake don't quit your job because you get your first big part; let the "Whole thing" come together for you; you'll know(trust me you'll know) when it's the right time to quit because your acting career sustain you big time.

it's good having a lady like her in my corner to keep me strong thru the really hard times. i did a lot of crying this weekend because for the first time in a long time i felt my passion for acting coming back. part of that was class, part of it was that play i went and saw but mostly it was the something else in me that is starting to heal back up...

i've had this gut feeling since i was a small kid that i was supposed to act. i think because i was so young i assumed that it would happen fast for me once i got to los angeles. (i'm sure the other million here believe the same thing lol)'s just hard...i was having those very thoughts today while running. i was stretching (more just laying there like a bump on the floor) and thinking about how my career is like my's slow but it's one step at a time and then you make it (7 miles today...i had to motivate myself somehow to stay on that damn treadmill)

so i'm thinking these thoughts when jordan sparks' song "one step at a time" pops up on my ipod and for the first time i listen to the lyrics...i guess before i just assumed it was a cute love song but she's talking about dreams and it made me cry...i'm always looking for signs. that was definitely a good one.

a bit ago i went to the store for some snacks and this cute adorable little asian girl and her mommy were walking by the pool. i was just minding my own when i hear the cutest little voice scream at me "hi, hi hi!" lol i couldn't help but giggle out loud along with her mother. i yelled hi back of course. lol...reminded me of how much i love my place and the people around the neighborhood. (sign: you ain't movin' no where baby)

i need the little reminders to keep me going. i spent the whole weekend by myself. besides my acting class i had no human contact and that can drive a gal a bit batty but the signs helped.

i plan to now eat some strawberry ice cream (thanks j for the idea!) and watch "dog day afternoon" (again thanks j for the idea lol)

luv and kiwi powers on...
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