instinct

2.28.2009
where to begin.

well i've thought for a very long time now that i had lost my natural instinct...that i couldn't act anymore and that my dream somehow turned into a nightmare. i've been sitting on those thoughts for such a long time. (it's not a comfortable thing to sit on...you tend to squirm)

something in me...maybe something beyond me keeps whispering to just hang in there and put in the work so i've been listening and watching...waiting for signs that can tell me which way to move. i've been so scared to move without a tangible purpose.

this morning i got up and felt sick to my stomach. i had this new acting class i was gonna check out and every bad thought went thru my head...i'm gonna suck, they're going to embarrass me...something humiliating will go down...i mean acting in general requires a certain thickness of skin but that plumpness ain't got nothing to do with the insecure actors out in the world that get their shits and giggles from making people feel small and terrible. unfortunately there are places like that here and i'm sick of finding them. fortunately that did not happen today lol.

so i show up to the class and it's a bit weird...i introduce myself to the guy who runs this place and he asks me a couple of questions about myself and then people start to trickle in so i take my seat and start to watch. no monologue was necessary so the one i had practiced all week stayed in my bag (fine by me--i perform differently for people who are there to criticise...as opposed to there to see if i'm THE woman for the role)

we did some improv work and something in me clicked...i remembered a bit of my old self and my ability to be creative..thought of different choices one can make...there are so many ways to say "i can't stand you. i don't know if i can do this". trust... that was one of our improvs...i've never been more entertained by peoples' spins on two sentences.

a working actor who you all have seen before dropped by and gave his two bits for the last hour and it was really good to hear a guy talk about something you can see he totally loves. he gave good advice...he told personal stories from sets and theater days that gave me a sense of the kind of life i crave and fear at the same time.

i'll definitely go back. i might stop by a play tonight that i heard a cat in class talkin about. i'm gonna look into classes at ucla....see if they have some open enrollment type of thing where i could just catch a couple of classes sans the degree. i don't know...im not completely back to the old tish with the killer instinct but i know she hasn't died. sigh...thank goodness.

1 comments:

  1. Awww, as much as I want you to move back home, I'm happy. :) Act it out!

    ReplyDelete

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