black angels over tuskegee

i have to start with a disclaimer:

i have never been a theater girl. i've just never really been able to suspend reality and forget i'm sitting in some cold theater watching people do whatever on a black block.

i have just seen a play that has changed all that. i have THE worst migraine right now from all the crying that i have been trying to fight for the past hour.

i saw this play called "black angels over tuskegee" down in north hollywood and i swear i can't shake the emotions those actors put me through. the writer, layon gray, is a beautiful writer...words can't describe the guy...(maybe he'd be able to write something more accurate for me lol)

it was just one of those stories of life...all the beautiful ins and outs of the black experience that i hold dear to my heart.

i seriously want all my friends to see this play...just because i feel it's my duty to share this kind of honesty, history and truth with those i love. a tuskegee original was there in the audience and he said a couple of words after the play was over. it brought him back and brought him to tears (in his words). he's going to be in george lucas' movie about the tuskegee airmen soon and is championing for all the men in the play to have a part in the movie...yes, it was THAT good ya'll.

what a day...filled with passion for acting i haven't had in quite some time.

advil...where is the advil?


where to begin.

well i've thought for a very long time now that i had lost my natural instinct...that i couldn't act anymore and that my dream somehow turned into a nightmare. i've been sitting on those thoughts for such a long time. (it's not a comfortable thing to sit tend to squirm)

something in me...maybe something beyond me keeps whispering to just hang in there and put in the work so i've been listening and watching...waiting for signs that can tell me which way to move. i've been so scared to move without a tangible purpose.

this morning i got up and felt sick to my stomach. i had this new acting class i was gonna check out and every bad thought went thru my head...i'm gonna suck, they're going to embarrass me...something humiliating will go down...i mean acting in general requires a certain thickness of skin but that plumpness ain't got nothing to do with the insecure actors out in the world that get their shits and giggles from making people feel small and terrible. unfortunately there are places like that here and i'm sick of finding them. fortunately that did not happen today lol.

so i show up to the class and it's a bit weird...i introduce myself to the guy who runs this place and he asks me a couple of questions about myself and then people start to trickle in so i take my seat and start to watch. no monologue was necessary so the one i had practiced all week stayed in my bag (fine by me--i perform differently for people who are there to opposed to there to see if i'm THE woman for the role)

we did some improv work and something in me clicked...i remembered a bit of my old self and my ability to be creative..thought of different choices one can make...there are so many ways to say "i can't stand you. i don't know if i can do this". trust... that was one of our improvs...i've never been more entertained by peoples' spins on two sentences.

a working actor who you all have seen before dropped by and gave his two bits for the last hour and it was really good to hear a guy talk about something you can see he totally loves. he gave good advice...he told personal stories from sets and theater days that gave me a sense of the kind of life i crave and fear at the same time.

i'll definitely go back. i might stop by a play tonight that i heard a cat in class talkin about. i'm gonna look into classes at ucla....see if they have some open enrollment type of thing where i could just catch a couple of classes sans the degree. i don't not completely back to the old tish with the killer instinct but i know she hasn't died. sigh...thank goodness.

tikkun the world

have i mentioned just how much i dig the movie, "nick & norah's infinite playlist"? it's just a feel-gooder. i watched it last night again with d and again was wowed by one conversation between the two main characters.

norah's talking to nick about this jewish idea she loves of tikkun alum. she tells nick that it means the world is broken into pieces and it's peoples' job to find the pieces and put it back together again. nick thinks about this lovely thought and states that maybe we don't find the pieces...maybe we are the pieces and we have to find each other.

it's a sweet concept that i'm gonna hold on to for the rest of the week. this week i choose to find my pieces. i've been losing the little pieces of myself that keep acting hopes alive. i spoke to my photographer last night...she has my looks down and we have an appointment for march 7th to beautify and shoot. i'm excited...also i'm gonna check out an acting class this saturday. i have a nice little monologue i'll start to go over tonight.

picking up little pieces here and there...humpty dumpty really can be put back together again.

if i'm being honest

if i'm being honest i will tell you how my weekend REALLY went...without omitting the ugly stuff. i feel like purging some honesty so here goes.

i LOVE my best friend. i love the gal for texting with me thru out the entire oscar show. she's great...beautiful and supportive and encouraging and...and...and i LOVE HER! i really don't know where i stand with acting right now. that's scary to say. i had that audition on friday and i didn't get it. i NEED to latch on to others' hopes and dreams for me when i feel like crawling up into a ball. fortunately my friend gives me ample luv 24/7.

i made contact with THE ex this weekend because i never stopped loving the dang man and i get lame and week at times. normally i'd never release that info...i'd never admit in my blog to being the girl who looks back. but i do from time to time. i've had insomnia two nights in a row and it's given me many late night hours of contemplating if i made the right choices in life...unfortunately he's my poster child for the other life. oh how cruel and torturous those hours can be for me.

i saw some not so hot movies this weekend (push & that stupid madea film) BUT i went and saw each one with lovely friends who made bad movies good times. (magicians of sorts)

i had my monthly happy hour night with two friends from work friday after the audition. we drank $5 beer in 32 oz mugs (i kid you not) and ate yummy pizza and these garlic thingies called knots. we laughed, talked, confided and then went to a cute little boutique i love on ventura and bought pretty necklaces . it was nice.

and that's my weekend in a nutshell. some weekends i chill HAWD and still have emotional upheavals. this was definitely one of those weekends.

slumdog millionaire rocks! and the speeches this year ROCK! these people have me bawling in my living room!


i really don't enjoy irony.

i've been dealing with pangs for babies for awhile now (i know i know...)
i've been dealing with stupid fever blisters for two days now.

lets just go ahead and combine those two joys and make tish want to crawl up and die.

i got a call from my agent at work today. i have an audition tomorrow and she doesn't care that i have fever blisters she wants me to go...and to top it off i'm supposed to be this cute "fresh" new mother. isn't that great?!

i think it's great. i love the fact that i'm about to make a complete arse out of myself tomorrow. i give tiny props to myself for going through it and puttin' the pride to the side but only tiny ones. when push comes to shove i'm just really afraid of my girl agent. lol

i kid you not i was sitting at work today thinking to myself, "man it'll be great to do nothing this weekend but heal my damn face...glad i don't have any auditions!" and voila! there's the text from Sammy. woo hooo!

i can't figure out God's humor right now. if i burst out in tears when they hand me the fake baby it ain't my fault!

a spoon full of sugar

helps the medicine go down...

i'm taking lysine huge arse capsules for a fever blister (aka planet of gross) that has developed on my grill ain't too pretty right now. even when i get super duper good about lying to myself...shoving the stress down deep deep into my cute suede boots i still can't cover crap up. my face never lies...gross face mcgee. 1/2 a spoonful of sugar.

someone recently asked me why i don't plan on attending my high school reunion...that little conversation required one spoonful of sugar.

realizing that i can't really call myself an actress because i don't act...i have to stop telling people that's why i moved out here. 5 spoonfuls of sugar.

the fact that i'm eating sugar. lol...i gave the crap up a while back and it was proving to be a good move on my part. cut out sugar in tea...chocolate, sweets in general. it was great. then v day rolled around in all its glory and i picked up the dang fork filled with chocolate cake goodness. i've had chocolate every flippin day since. i need a spoonful of splenda for that one.

these are piddly things but yet because i keep calling them piddly and chalking them up to nothing in the grand scheme of things my face is bubbling up with blisters. i have to release the sad stuff that just wants to pop up and pop out. so there you go.

there's been a lot of popping words in this here blog...maybe my fingers are trying to hint at something i should be doing to my face. : ) hmmm

anywho. lots of snazzy people get cold sores. one day if i'm big and successful with my acting career i'll make sure to shout that to the highest's otay man. (and then recommend ice cubes)

and now to counteract my sugar intake:

i'm playing phone tag with a photographer. weeeeeee
my runs have been less than energetic this week but i've completed them. weeeee
i might have found a really cool acting class that only costs $5 a session. weeeee
i have no more chocolate in the house or at my desk at work so i can get into no more trouble. weeeeeee

luv wrapped up

v day was so great. i'm still beaming hearts from my head. my girls really did rock it out. we laughed a million times, ate great food that left us full & happy and slumber partied our little brains out.

kat, b and i started off the day at the movies watching "he's just not that into you" which was so cute and hilarious (don't listen to the critics yo). it's a light sweet movie filled with some hilarious and sometimes truthful girlie oopses that we've all committed. a movie that can bring the ladies together...initiate simultaneous head nods...that's my kinda flick. din din followed where we ate some delicious food...we talked and laughed by the glow of the twinkle lights. i couldn't have asked for a better night.

for the slumber party i had some goodies waiting for more oink festing...we got giggly on champagne, one of us snored like a bear ( my lips are sealed on the name)

i can list all the fun stuff but when push comes to shove i loved the weekend because hanging with good friends is always at the top of my list. i think it was a good holiday this year. with the economy like it is i saw a lot more heart felt date nights...less huge obnoxious roses and more heart felt sentiments...people were seriously beaming in the streets of pasadena.

i loved it. gotta love love.

friday the 13th...mwahahahaha

what a glorious day! i love friday the 13th! i was born on a friday the 13th therefore these kind of days are quite lucky for lil ole me. i woke up this morning and giggled. i watched the chaos around me while driving to work and pleasantly decided it had nothing to do with me.

i'm still riding off my good grub high and it's friday dang it. today's gotta be a great day!i have to run 4 miles...this bothers me not. i had a dream about my best bud's hubby that was quite disturbing but i'm good lol...i'm good.

i'll be interested to hear people's stories about the weird cool things that have happened to them today. mwahahahahaha....

i plan on enjoying the crap out of my 3 day weekend and making plans with a photographer to take new modeling pics. how fun is THAT! plus i get to sign up for new acting classes. you heard right...the refund check came in!!!

i love life.

nobu is a yes boo

ahhh...i love unplanned heavenly days.

i know this is hard to believe but i just had a heavenly evening with none other than my ex, volde. (he hates the name and wants a change but it kinda fits him so i don't know about that...)

so here's the deal. for work we're having a v day potluck (so not my idea) so i decide i'm going to bring this heavenly concoction known as ceviche. it's one of my favorite things to eat in the world and the best stuff can only be found at these grocery stores known as vallarta where they predominantly speak spanish (a little known fact that gives me anxiety attacks since i don't speak spanish and i always feel like i'm being an annoying twit by walking up in the place and demanding some english) so i call up volde and ask him about how to ask for this ish (hee hee) and he volunteers to go with me and just do it. (nice!) and so to thank him i tell him i'll take him out for some grub so he decides on this great place in malibu called nobu.

when i say i've NEVER had food like this was sort of like the movie "simply irresistable". i kept putting food in my mouth and a new emotion would come out and i'd want to cry with internal happiness ( i really kid you not)

he ordered all 4 dishes and then dessert and we soaked it up. we talked about his current relationship (the man is happy and i'm honestly swelling with happiness that he's found someone that he can really be himself with) and my lack of relationships (lol...gotta love me and my phobias) i started getting a bit sappy at one point because it's really great to have gotten to a point where we can be good friends. that negative energy out there doesn't work well with me. (at all!)

so yeah me and my paranthesis are doing quite well tonight. i'm happy, full and ceviche ready for a new day!

2009 is great so far. i totally recommend the restaurant and can't wait to take my buddy j there when she comes back into town. this ish is right up her frickin alley! orgasmic food...who can resist?!

V Day Vortex


valentines day is fast approaching my friends. although i say it every year some of my pals still tend to feel a little "less than" around this specific holiday and i say NO NO NO! stomp your foot and tell that silly girl inside that she's being ridiculous.

whenever pressure surrounds something good it looses its luster for me and the same applies with this stinker of a day. when dating i don't give a stink about what we do for the day BUT for my gals i embrace it with open arms...cuz there's no pressure.

back in college one of the sista girls came up with the brilliant idea of having this party for the ladies. we had champagne and strawberries, listened to music, laughed, went out dancing at a bar. it was GREAT and i've tried to do that every year since...that is hang with my gal pals, enjoy their company and somehow lesson the power of the vortex known as the luuuuuuv holiday.

peppy le pew ain't stinkin up my buddies' day! oh no sir-ree!

i plan on taking b and another pal of mine from work (miss kat) out for a movie (he's just not that into you of course--what's a little truth for the luuuuv day) and some good din din grub followed guessed it, a slumber party.

i love my friends. can't get enough of girl time. it's just really the best remedy for any kind of blues you may have contracted whether it be stupid boy blues, work blues, family blues, v.d. blues lol...i'm just saying!

anyhow. when there's no pressure it's just plain ole fun to spoil the ones you love rotten on such a day. i know we're supposed to do it EVERY day yadda yadda but the economy sucks so stick it! : )

it's fun to get creative with how you can express your luuuuv and if a day allows me to do that (without pressure!) then i'm all for it son.

luv & kiwi all you luv bugs out there.


what does it mean when you wait for something you love your entire life (well most of your entire life) and you find it but it's not yours to have?


i found THE kiwi stamp. but it's only for postcards. sigh...i don't send postcards people! who's cruel joke is that?!

some day...

beyond my above disappointment it's been a great weekend. i've been getting valentines day stuff underway (doing stuff for the buds) and now i'm watching the grammies while making veggie lasagna for tomorrow night. big d and ric are coming over to watch the ku/mu game & heroes. lasagna and good beer lol...i don't know what's got into me lately but i've been craving hef's like a mutha ever since i started running. weird...guess i can now run to get the gut off.

(today i rocked out 5 miles by the way)

it was just a nice peaceful weekend. : ) gotta love those

huff & puff mentality

so i'm thinking the big bad wolf was misrepresented in the 3 little pigs. i applaud the canine for his persistance. i mean ya gotta love a guy for trying..."i'll huff and i'll puff and these walls WILL come down"

(lets just skip the part about him not gettin thru the the real story the dude got some dynamite)

i want to be a big bad mama jama wolf. i wanna break down walls. last night i attended one of my now infamous workshops and again the casting director stood in front of us and said "a million people in la want to be an actor. out of that million only 2% make it. out of that 2% only 1% have talent. i'm here to discourage you because it's hard".

lol...b just happened to be with me this time. (she wanted to see what it was like which was a really great gesture in my opinion) she laughed at how dark it can all be. you really get shredded in those environments. you have to develop wolverine-like healing properties and pick yourself up pretty darn quickly.

even though the pep talk may have been a bit on the dark side i got a lot out of that workshop. i was really debating what to do with my refund this year. pay off credit cards or use it towards modeling pics...i will now do the modeling pic route and then also sign up for some acting classes at this famous studio. it's a good investment...the reason i moved out here and totally worth it. i want to be better. i want to be damn good so i'm gonna do everything in my power to get this dream a'movin!

our wake up calls can come at the best of times. i like that something great came out of last night.

courage is not the absence of fear they's the ability to look it in the eye and say "i got you trick" least that's how i remember the quote : )

wash your hands!

this is the scariest and most grotesque thing i've ever heard... had to share it of course. people...wash your hands!!!! stop eating pork!


a baby's name

it's not like me to go so long without a blog but life's just been a consistent and lovely ball of contentment. no highs or lows until know i have to bring an extreme. (extreme joy that is!)

so i've been dealing with unwarranted crushes, unrequited love and plain ole misplaced emotions coming from every direction. if you know me personally you know this ain't nothing new but a baby puts everything in perspective. dramatic randomness? yes, but i'm getting to my point so it's ok.

so my cousin sarah had her baby girl recently and she named her mary after our grandma who is one of my favorite peoples of the world. she's the woman who saw a lost little black girl and decided to give her a healthy good dose of her culture. my cute white gram didn't have to do this but she's a hip chick...she's got it like that. i could always count on her to send me the good books. books about my identity, books about women, young women, black name it. she was just that wise cool soul and now my darling cousin has decided to honor that glorious woman by giving her wee one her name. heart decided to burst tonight once i saw the pics of her and then read her name in the captions.

heck i'm STILL crying!

at the end of the day another wonderful girl is in the world...and that is all that really matters.

love you fam bam! thank you for keeping me centered.
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