cyber stalking

12.30.2008
i have a dilemma... (when does she not right?)

well i've been feeling pretty uninterested in the dating pool lately..haven't really much felt like taking swims so you can imagine my mild delight when i started chatting it up with a guy via email that actually held my interest. after a couple of back and forths i realize the guy is pretty dope. because of this mild level of interest i decided to cyber stalk him. why? because i'm a gal who's dated a lot and i dont put ISH passed any of 'em!

so i go to facebook. my favorite little networking site and type in his name. i love actors. his profile immediately comes up with his darling little face and what do you know it's not set to private so i take a looksy and it's cool. he seems like a cool guys guy that knows how to be a goof...yes figured all of this out from his page...shoot me.

well actually don't shoot me because his page also told me he's in a relationship...a pretty darn serious one. why he was on match i know not BUT i'm cancelling that darn piece of pooh service tonight.

is cyber stalking wrong when it leads to such helpful information?


the ghost of christmas past

12.29.2008
life's lessons tend to hit me in the most random of ways.

my best bud gave me this groovy book for christmas that discusses karma. in this book you learn how karma never works in a linear fashion. sometimes a good or bad deed takes years to witness. case in point: the ghost of christmas past.

lets begin in 1980. a black man and a white woman decide to act on the feelings marvin gaye has inspired in each of them. from this magical moment a child is created. later they will give her a name that contains the name 'tish'.

skip forward a couple years. tish sits in front of the television watching the color purple. she decides at that moment she will be an actress some day.

skip forward a couple more years to 9th grade. tish tries out for the christmas play. due to the racial ambiguity her parents blessed her with she is passed up for the role of ms scrooge (theater teacher blatantly tells her this)...and instead is given the role of ghost of christmas past. she knocks one out of the park and does a fabulous job. (just thought i'd add that bit)

tish begins to identify with her character. she digs the idea of chillin in the past.

...so you see. all choices led to me sitting on a plane, feeling like i'd go crazy if i didn't stop obsessing over the past i left in the good ole midwest. said desperation led to me reading a book and learning good stuff on how to NOT let the ghost of christmas past shimmy on up and destroy.

in plain english: i went home and immediately fell back into the past. everything and everyone reminded me of this crazy past version of me...a luv, high school, college, old friends...it's crazy because you start to miss it all and if you're not extremely careful you'll lose. i was flash backing left and right...lucky for me i happened to flash back to moments in time that reminded me just how important it was for me to go after my dream and get it. ("all those memories couldn't and won't be in vain" kind of mentality)

"missed it by that much" though...it's so easy to get swept back into our old homes, our way of life, the people and places that made us who we now are. this book rocks at helping one see what the good, the bad and ugly choices we make can do for us. living in the past was one boo boo the book discussed.

we always hear about balance...one can't help looking at the past. we do this for reflection purposes all the flippin time. it becomes problematic though when when we make good with the ghost and decide the past is cooler.

the ghost gave the deuce and i'm chillin nice and present like right where i need to be.

funny where are choices can take us.





when luck means love

12.22.2008
i am officially in middle earth. i've got the goblins (mean children at airports) and the little people (my folks) but i'm not really here to mess with a gold ring ; )

it's really great to be home i must write. 12 hours at various airports was not my idea of a good time but golly gee was it all worth it the moment i saw my mom ploppin thru the airport...she's just so darn cute.

so now i'm in springfield, the place my parents moved to a couple of years ago and while i don't know a darn tootin' thing about this other world i've entered i feel more at home than ever before. i've slept a mess. i can't tell you how much i've slept...and in the princess bed that used to be mine before moving to los angeles (how i missed that damn thing)

pumpkin bread making, watching films with the folks...it's the best vacation a gal could ask for i tell you. my agent called me the day before i left and said "we've booked you a job! it's going to pay 2 grand! it's on monday the 22nd" and another part of my already wounded heart drooped a bit more. it drooped but it didn't fall...nothing comes close to all of this family time. it's priceless.

today i woke up and went to work with mo. she works at a shelter in the food pantry. 20 something families came in before lunch and sat across from my mom at her desk and poured out their stories bravely...i watched my mom grow into an even bigger shero this morning. no stinkin' acting job compares to that.

the woman gives all day long and does it with the most beautiful grace i've ever seen. she knows when to be goofy, when to hold a hand, when to be firm and strong and always how to be hopeful. they don't make them like her every day my friends.

i'm a lucky lucky gal and this will be a very lovely christmas.

just call it a come back

12.16.2008
haven't been too keen to discuss big dream known as acting lately. life starts to beat you down and you just don't wanna hear about anything that reminds you of your failures so you can imagine how absolutely thrilled i was to hear that this guy i just met wanted to take me to an acting joint tonight. (i groaned 13 times)

first of all, ole boy did not mention he was an actor or a writer...i barely got him to peep up about being a dj...he's lucky he was so mum because i refuse REFUSE to date actors...for the very reasons i mentioned above. they constantly wanna talk about the business, the craft, the this, the that and it makes me wanna spin my head off and play dradle dradle and i'm not even jewish!

so yeah the fellow, i'll refer to him as dapper dan, took me to this cold reading shindig that actually turned out to be the magic i needed to refresh my fading dreams. basically what happens is you meet at this perfectly charming pub on 3rd street down in hollywood, you go up to the boss lady and you ask if the writers for the night need any actors, if the writers need someone that fits your steelo you're in. a crowd full of people sit around a small stage and watch as actors perform 10 pages from a writer's project. it's a chance for writer's to hear how it sounds, how it feels, grab a tone, etc. (kind of like what i did for mr writer a couple of times) it's free (unless you're guilted in to giving a donation so that they can pay the hundred dollars to rent the small space above the pub) and totally entertaining!

so i'm sitting there...dapper dan is parking the car which took a good half hour (la is brutal folks) and i'm playing a game on my phone. a writer approaches me, asks if i'm reading for anyone that night, i say no (doh!) and she shoves a script in my face and asks if i can read the stage directions for her piece. i laughed to myself...the whole day i sat at work stressing that i didn't have the energy to partake in extra curricular activities after working a 10 hour day..when i finally compromised and said i'd go and observe but not participate the waters parted and i felt like i'd be ok. lol...if i would have known i'd perform anyway i probably would have passed out at work then and there. reading stage directions was a nice compromise...no prepartion or energy needed. i got to participate...i saw how it all works (totally want to go again!) and felt like i was getting a good piece of what i crave from my dream. everybody's happy.

oh...and a special guest came on stage that my buddy bree will probably scream at me for...

sooo...tony lucca--this totally cute as a button musician (plays at a place called the mint down in hollywood) was the special suprise guest for the evening. he played this sweet little christmas song and then went about his business. i talked to him. reminded him that he had a fan named bree (last name removed to protect the innocent) and that she gave me all his music...maybe that wasn't such a good idea...maybe he doesn't appreciate people burning his ish. lol...maybe i should have said she buys me all his music. sorry bree. oops.

all in all, it was good times and hopefully i'll get an opportunity to go back and have fun. the writers there had some great material...laughed my little arse off so yeah...

...just call it a come back.

almost...but no cigar

12.15.2008
just a quick update before bed. so i was supposed to go to the film premiere of "revolutionary road" tonight...see leonardo do the hollywood wave...gawk at kate winslet but alas my job consumes all things life-y so i couldn't make it.

i'm thinking it's just as well...i tend to cry and get really sappy when so close to those living my dream but still...

always so close...yet my lungs are fine, dandy and pink. (no cigar)

i need to find luck. i need to embrace luck when i meet her. (she's a lady according to frankie boy) i need to make luck my new best friend and never take said luck for granted.

horoscope oops

12.13.2008
who knew i could find so much meaning and chuckle potential in a horoscope oops:

Your horoscope for December 13, 2008

It is not a god idea to blame your troubles and ailments on other people, Tish. The only one that you really have to blame is yourself. You will find that your mind is quite active today, and that it might send you around in circles unless you make a conscious effort to slow it down and get it going on the right path. Deal with the facts of the situation instead of the emotions that may arise from it.

a god idea... not a god idea indeed.

the cheerer upper

ahh the best and worst thing a gal can have in her life is the cheerer upper. the person that always seems to find the rainbow in every cloud or in my case, the hopeful nugget in every actress' golden globes article.

darling b emailed me this anne piece. i admit it took me a bit to see the cheerer upper's gift...the debbie downer disease picked out the pessimistic point (she's getting a golden globe nominee and she's younger than you tishy) but i kept it...i reread it...i came around. : )

my girl rushell came over to gab yesterday and got me giddy about writing a wedding piece for a newspaper. i'm researching..i've contacted the la times. a friend down in san diego is looking into some intern/shadow style tomfoolery stuff down there. i'm going to follow as much joy as i possibly can.

cheerer uppers...they're the friends that walk around with cheer defibrillators ...they use all kinds of sneaky tactics to bring smiles...they know your pain, they understand it but refuse to let you wallow in the crap. articles, long talks, hugs, movies...tip toe moments around the painful parts...they'll go to any and all lengths.

silent cheerer uppers: just found this picasa link of all the pictures i've ever incorporated in my blogs. it was nice to see and re live. : ) picasa

it is written

12.10.2008
i don't know why but a lot of my blogs seem to be movie-centric. hmm i wonder why that is.

the gods of popcorn have blessed me lately with great cinematic experiences and tonight was no different. my buddy slick ric and i decided to check out "slumdog millionaire". if you see this film...you will not be disappointed. good acting, funny, romantic actually, clever, interesting, great story line, hilarious quotes...it was just overall a must see. it was so good it almost caused a beat down. how you ask? well some stupid chicks were walking out grumbling about how they hated it... i seriously wanted to shake their behinds and ask if they had any life left in their bodies, souls in their chests...

i can't think of the last time someone not liking a film caused my butt to twitch.

all funny aside i like the messages that flowed through out it. so much poetry in a good movie...so much symbolism and meaning. finding meaning in the small stuff is what my life seems to be about lately and right now i'm trying to figure out if "it was written" is something that should, could, will apply to me...

what's written for me? besides long work hours and financial worries...

b has helped me come up with a plan to pay for the photographer i have to have in order to make more money to get into acting...(at least this is the plan i'm hoping for this week.) tv diaries i think fell through. i wrote them a couple of days ago and no word back...just call me chop suey. therefore modeling is the next plan...plan m. it involves filing my taxes online lol...sigh...baby steps are starting to annoy me like no utha! what else can a gal do though?




christmas guilt

12.08.2008
so i have a bit of a dilemma...does anyone else feel pangs of guilt when they're in their car and a christmas song comes on and they turn it?

i mean it's not like we get christmas music year round and this IS the best time of the year...i have to force myself to keep the station on "santa baby" even though i can't stand that mess because i feel like you just can't take the music associated with goodness and joy for granted.

sigh...

come all ye faithful...



magic

After I see a really good movie that involves good acting I always tend to go inside my head and think about my dreams.

I was driving down Ventura Blvd last night, coming home from seeing “Cadillac Records” and I just thought about the magic all around me that I just can’t seem to see right now.

When I was a kid my mom would tell me about leprechauns and fairies…I’d spend hours looking for little green men hiding in trees, sit in the bathtub for hours waiting for my mermaid tail to appear…I was definitely the kid desperate to see something magical. In a way I still have that desperation.

I feel like once I make it the things around me that I see… a street with shops, restaurants and people will all look suddenly different. The same magic dust I look for on actors will appear in the places around me…

Some kind of acting magic that becomes my life…”Oh I shot a film scene here, I wore the outfit from that shop to my first movie premier”

I can’t wait until I see that magic. I’ll keep looking for as long as I physically can. And unlike Tish the Kid, I won’t come in when my mom calls me to dinner…

A Sunday Kind of Love

Weekend recap: best friends are the best kind of therapy. I’ve been a mess lately. I can’t really explain what it was but i just checked out kind of…long hours at work, health stuff…it all jumbled together and just kind of left me empty so I’ve been collecting all kinds of self doubt and never really dealing with it all the way like we all should. All of that changed this weekend. I felt like yesterday I played major mouth dump with b and it felt so much better afterwards.

Here’s the scoop in a nutshell: I just let out everything and anything that’s been bothering me…I just spoke about all the insecurities I’ve had…listened to b explain hers and we just talked it all out and tried to understand everything we’ve both got going on in our lives. I don’t know how it works…how we’re able to help each other resolve or numb the pain/confusion but we do and it’s the best kind of medication a gal can have.

We went and saw the movie "Cadillac Records" (which by the way was amazing and wonderful and I totally recommend it). Her ex happens to be in the film. That was THE hardest friend moment for me & her to date. Scenes were really upsetting her and somehow I checked out and just jumped into b’s head. I could feel what she was going through…it was more than empathy…sometimes it’s crazy how close we are. I just held her arm through the hard parts and let her experience what she needed to.

These are the moments that define a friendship. I can’t stress how important it is to have someone you can consistently check in with. We constantly change and even though I see or email my friends almost every day I still have to check in and let them know where my head and heart are at the moment.

Friends are the ones we can be confident, naïve, insecure, crazy, sad, happy and confused with all in the same conversation and never feel like we’re being judged.

It’s the best kind of love in my opinion. Love love LOVE my friends!

7 pounds

12.03.2008
i just got back from seeing the new movie "7 pounds" with will smith and rosario dawson. again, being a member of women in film definitely has its perks...promise i won't spoil any parts of the film.

now that i've promised i can say most emphatically that the movie was exactly what i needed at that exact moment in time.

i hate to start it off with the bunk stuff but it builds into something positive so just stay with me...

today was a lousy day. today blurred with all the other busy crazy 'too stressed to even eat' days that are becoming my life. i stopped feeling, thinking, caring weeks ago and it's taking a heavy toll.

this isn't me. i was never the girl that couldn't bounce back. i was the goofy girl. the one that could smile and turn a bad situation into something bearable...i've lost that gift. ironically my sis texted me today and asked if i was aware my name meant gladness in latin. lol...i found it amusing.

work is bad. i was held there hours after i should have lef. i thought i had missed the movie...i told d to forget about it but he thought we should still try so we got there with 5 minutes to spare...got the last two seats--his at the very top, mine right up close to the screen on the far right side...

i cursed the whole day when i took my pitiful seat. i knew i'd have a headache, that my neck would hurt, that i'd feel nauseated...all the different negative consequences derived from my job holding me up kept running through my head. i felt miserable. the movie started. i grumbled as will smith's face loomed out at me like a picasso painting...one eye definitely slanted and drooping off the screen due to my unfortunate position...and then it hit me.

due to my position in life my perspective was all off. things that should have looked beautiful and real suddenly looked surreal, distorted and ugly...that if i had indeed acquired another position i'd see the world in front of me in a whole new way...one's position and the angle/perspective one wants to experience is a powerful idea.

i don't want to be a grump and feel the way i do, day in and day out. sitting in the worst seat possible helped me see that...the q & a session with rosario and the directo helped me feel it.

when i tell you this movie will move you like no other i'm not exaggerating. you assume, hope for, expect so much to come from the ending (you're kept in complete darkness thoughout the entire film, not knowing what the heck you're witnessing) ...and then the last scenes come and you receive the simplest, most perfect answer back and it leaves you weeping while thousands of life theories flash through your mind. i don't know about you but i've never seen or experienced something that's left me thinking "that's the meaning of life"

7 pounds of knowlege:

rosario gave some lovely answers about her acting technique and what it took for her to deliver...it was liberating to hear she thinks the way i do about the process, the technique and all that jazz. i watched her and took in everything about her for as long as i could...someone with my dreams sitting so close...i stared hard to see the magic that made her who she is...there's gotta be some magic mist on people in the business...something the human eye has to look oh so carefully to see. something that someone else saw and gravitated towards...

maybe some day i'll see it and then sprinkle some of that stuff on myself! i'm gonna keep trying to push my magic out there in hopes someone sees the stuff . until then i have a lot of movie processing to do...the meaning of life indeed.


modeling/acting updates

12.01.2008
the writer friend already gave me the go to blog about him (hee hee) so here goes. i'm delighted that he has asked me to attend another one of his table readings. the big dinger? one of my characters goes by the name of ....wait for it....

mrs jenkins! for all those that know me this is a hoot, not only because a dear friend of mine, miss plummer, has called me that ever since our african american comedy class at ku but also because i moved out here and played a mrs jenkins in a horror movie called "mary". don't imdb that ish just yet...lol i don't think it's on there.

table readings are just fun happenstance for your dear pal tishy. i won't get signed...no directors will be beating down my door but it is the greatest most fun practice i can think of so i'm excited.

no news on tv diaries just yet...my fingers are now mangled and my face is beyond blue with all the crossing and holding. are ya'll still doing it? come on now.

on the modeling front i'm searching for a photographer to take some rad new pics for my agents...so far i've got one chick who will charge me $600 and another dude that will charge $1,000. um no i'm not joking.

Bonnie's

Dominic's

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