he grew ovaries

11.30.2008
my guy pal d totally grew some ovaries for me yesterday. i was having one of those days where i feel like staying in bed but know it's not gonna be pretty if i do, so i allowed the man to scoop me up and drag me into a christmas shopping spree (got my folks' their gifts so we did good). afterwards we made sure to go by yogurtland where i gulped down a mix of cheesecake, strawberry and arctic ice vanilla yogurt sprinkled with strawberry, kiwis and blueberries..yes it was heaven.

we watched some "pride and prejudiced" and then "made of honor" which i was oh so proud of d for agreeing to sit through. i did have to punk him in blockbuster for actin' a fool (i told the guy he chose made of honor...which he totally did--he digs the chick in it)...you know he couldn't produce ovaries without somewhat of a fight.

so yeah i got back my smile while sitting with my make shift girlfriend, eating junk food and listening to mr darcy say the most precious words a man could possibly say, "you have bewitched me body and soul and i lu...i lu...i love you"

it's amazing that men can strip of us of certain joys, break our hearts, make us feel like crap while others can bring it all back and restore our faith in mars/venus interactions. the world is a crazy unpredictable place.


thanksgiving's odd side effects

11.28.2008
i just dealt with my 'truth about cats and dogs' drama...i told the guy in this crappy little love triangle that i couldn't cut it with his weird stuff. i'll be damned ladies if we should stick around with dudes that make us question ourselves, feel like pooh or make us smell ourselves to see if we smell like pooh. : )

i slept so terribly last night...i tossed and turned all night long replaying horrible date night back in my head only to wake up and see that my mom is still conversing with the ex that refused to move out here with me...the one who is engaged and will be married soon. a flood of tears came out and i couldn't control it anymore. mom called to apologize and promised not to do it anymore (apparently she didn't know it still hurt me...whatever i'm all kinds of verbal with my feelings)...the fact that i've cried twice before noon is never a good sign though.

my girl e plans to come over and watch christmas movies with me. christmas can always fill the holes...i'm counting on that anyways.

thank goodness for g chat...volde happened to be on (haven't talked to him in a pretty minute) and i told him the situation...saw that j was on and talked to her about the situation...it's keeping the tears at bay for now. j's a no brainer but volde...sometimes my friends come in the strangest of packages.

a note from the universe (guy)

so i get these cute little messages from the 'universe' every day. thought i'd share a good one:

You do realize, tish, don't you, that there have been others - in lifetimes, millenniums, and civilizations past - who have been to some of the same "places" you've been to? Yet, they got so scared they lost control, turned away, or flat out quit.

Yep, and they surround you now in the unseen. Your greatest admirers.

Thanks,
The Universe

The truth about cats and dogs

11.25.2008
Every true chick flick has a character that women audience members identify with…usually character one-dimensionals: the nerd, the pretty girl, the sporto tomboy…you get the drift.

Well I have always loved the movie “the truth about cats and dogs” …loved it without identifying with a dang tootin’ character-- really didn’t feel like an uma or a janeane…that is until this weekend. I’m totally and utterly a janeane now…

This story begins on a warm Friday night on the streets of ventura blvd. ev & petie, two gal pals of tishy decided they needed a happy hour night with the curly-haired goof to drink their work stresses away and get tish to come away from the proverbial ledge. so they hit up a sushi joint and pub and got busy.

Over yummy rolls and beers fitfully named “heavenly hef” they discussed the things that all girls discuss…husbands & boyfriends came up, the newest beyonce video and of course where each girl stood mentally in their lives. (aka what dating had reduced them to)

petie mentioned she hadn’t dated in a really long time and felt their must be something wrong with her. Doctor tishy stepped up to the plate and assured her dear bud that she was completely normal…she had only commited one mistake…she was always letting her best gal pal tag along…the best gal pal being the uma friend.

We all have the uma friend. The drop dead gorgeous gal that has this crazy bewitching power over dudes and leaves them goo goo drooling while you sit in the back flailing your arms shouting “hey remember me?! your date!”

The gal pals both nodded in agreement, a little light bulb going off in their heads. For a split second tish felt good about sharing her cats & dogs theory…that is until the dang thing happened to her one night later.

I’ve been emailing back and forth with a guy for over a month now. (keep the truth about cats and dogs securely placed in your noggin.) on Saturday evening he asked if I’d like to meet him and his buddies at a place down in santa monica so I got b and we headed out. from the moment the email guy saw my girl b he was hooked. And this is where my guffaws made it ten times worse.

I have this moment where I know I don’t have a chance and it’s almost if I purposely sabotage the situation ten times more than I naturally could. Not only did I think it would be ok to sit across from the email guy to keep the whole group in the conversation, I also mentioned he looked bigger in his pictures…lol…some could take this as an oops. When you know you’re out of the race ya just start to bow out…I was the queen of bowing out that night. couldn’t say one darn thing without sounding like a total and utter dork.

He brought us over to his group of friends and started talking to her 1 on 1. I sat back and watched as email guy’s best friend whispered in my ear that he thought b was beautiful. Lol…Uma and janeane flashed through my thoughts as a voice in my head droned on, “Tishy lightbulb detonated in 5, 4, 3, 2….”

I may have my theory but I have absolutely NO clue how to work with it! the thing is uma’s never realize they’re snatching the attention, they’re not trying to do it intentionally and part of the reason boys love her is because she’s a great person…so of course you want to keep hanging out. how do you still play with your friends but step out of the uma shadow? I’ll spend the remainder of this year trying to figure out how to work with uma power…

Until then…table for one!

i sing you to me

11.20.2008
i just saw the movie "australia" and i'm still on a bravo kick. i haven't seen an epic like this since "gone with the wind". (i kid you not)

everyone go and see this flick. the movie touches on so many things but most importantly for me it proves that empathy is necessary for a civilization to prosper. (damn it)

there's this little boy in the movie that i fell in love with from his first scene. i couldn't even be mad at the little bugger for landing such a HUGE role with no acting experience whatsoever. i love dynamic characters (in and outside of the theater) who teach us lessons and leave a piece of themselves in our hearts.

this kid is definitely one. no movie spoilers (promise) he just has dreaming down pat...if he dreams it he believes in it. he's confident it will happen. how beautiful such a thing truly is.


insomnia is dancing around in my head

11.19.2008
i swear insomnia has spread through my apartment building like the plague. whoever lives above me is having issues going to bed too...and happens to walk heavily. ugh...sit down and behave i say!

this week has been so hard for me. i feel like i'm balancing on a wire...i could fall into the land of crazy at any moment. in fact i did after work and started crying uncontrollably. of course crying alone always makes it worse. i still have a crying headache over that one...

i've been working really long hours at work that have left me utterly exhausted. i literally am too tired to eat when i get home. it sucks when you don't even have time to pay your bills or pick up a french fry and because of that suckage i can't sleep. i tried reading for the last hour and it's not working unfortunately. what do people say to try? warm milk? sigh...

i haven't had time to live...work consumes. there's a lesson here that i'm too tired to grasp. i was the last on my office floor to leave tonight. i realized, as i sat on the floor near my desk organizing work that i estimate will take up at least 2 hours of my morning to complete that i was lame...sitting on an empty floor at 7:30 at night alone is lame...not having time to live is lame.

i'm holding on to the hope that there will be a day where work does not consume and i have time to build a life i want to embrace. i'm also holding on to the hope that my eyes will get heavy shortly.

6 am i'll be at work jones'in for coffee and cursing myself for this late night bit. one of volde's friends gave me this little bull for the year of the bull coming in 2009. it's supposed to bring me good luck. i rubbed it just now...

we'll see...

sundays

11.16.2008
i just caught up on three weeks of oprah. my brain hurts. my body aches. no one should watch that much tv in one sitting. help me.

i just watched the nicole kidman interview on oprah (of course) in which she discussed why she named her little girl sunday. she said it's both her and her husbands favorite day. accordingly, sundays are really lonely days for those that are single (thanks nicole) and the best days if you have family around.

(imagine me hearing these words and shanking my head with a sarcastic smile going "yeah yeah, that's about right, thanks")

lol...i have not spoken out loud today, nor showered lol. i have eaten greek yogurts and kale because that's what currently lives in my fridge. my hair looks like i've never seen a comb, i have smudges on my glasses and dabs of black on my face (all the places where i needed charcoal mask). aren't sundays lovely? don't they sound glamorous and exciting? lol...sigh. thank you nicole for stamping my feelings on the day so poignantly in my head.

i think now i will shower and go run an errand that requires me to see actual sunlight...although i do believe the sun is currently setting.

never do a weekend of nothing. it's bad for the body my friends...and sanity.

book whisperer

11.15.2008
i love books. i love what books can do for me and my imagination..the thoughts and emotions that suddenly begin to swirl in my brain can ignite the best feelings in the world. you can imagine how i get when meet people that share the same passion...

one of my greatest joys to date is when a friend asks for me to choose a book for them. this is a big moment my friends. the decision never comes lightly. questions insue... i have to know if they're big readers (if they don't read a lot certain books come to mind that have instant action in the beginning to keep and pull the newby's attention), i want to know what kind of words they love...if words like "bewitched" and "thither" send your heart into a pitter patter ...if you need something that mirrors your own life, if you need something to inspire, to save, to make you laugh, to make you pee your pants laughing...

i love giving all of that to a friend in the form of a little (or big) book. my gal pal e comes to me every so often asking for a new fix. this time i gave her two books, _the alchemist_ and _caucasia_. she called me yesterday morning at work and was just gushing about how one book gave her some answers to her life questions and how caucasia fired up airport conversations with interesting men. they gave her the cool nod of approval based on the lovely book she clung too...who knows...books could be a cupid catcher of sorts. it happens : )

i think i like being a book whisperer (at least that's what i'm calling myself) yes. books talk to me and i match them up with the humans that need them : ) that's me.

made me happy. as for me and my book? i'm on book 3 of the twilight series now. i just can't stop...lol. these stories have ruined me.

switching topics completely: i had my pasadena morning and it was great as always. i sat around and gabbed with my gal who does my eyebrows and we caught up and then i bought my stuff (i'm trying this new powder shampoo for when my hair's straight and i don't want to wash it in between work outs...i'm lazy sue me)

i was out the door almost across the street when my chick called my cell and said one of the big stylists wanted to do my hair some time. lol...mind you this is a BIG HUGE salon where halle berry gets her hair did...yes... i turned right around and went back inside gushing. this really cute total artsy manly man's kind of guy stood at the front of the salon and i swear i couldn't help but turn red (beyond the eyebrow wax pink skin that is). he knew i was looking for a photographer to do some new modeling shots for me and said he wanted to do my hair for the shoot... for the first time in my life i am proud of my hair lol...i thank it for catching the attention of mr hottie patottie cutie (married folks--the gushing sticks on the blog) who will now be rockin' my ish OUT for my shoot. woo hoo.

i told you something good's in the air my friends...

strike a pose

11.14.2008
for the first time ever...in the history of this blog...i am going to say something sweet and lovely about my agents...(the modeling ones that is)

i just got back from a meeting with them and i absolutely love 'em to pieces. there are three women, all really cool and really excited to pimp me out which i love even more. i've been so nervous all day to talk to them...i didn't know if they'd freak out and hate me wondering why the heck they signed me and all that good stuff but they started the "ahh she's cute" stuff as soon as i walked in. (fyi: agents talk about you like you're not in the room--good and bad--it's hilarious to witness)

the nervous stomach, manic crazy spastic tishy stuff i've been doing all day was for nothing. they want me to do a new shoot with a new photographer, told me we're in the slow part of the season so it's the perfect time for me to do so and then gushed over the possibility of a reality tv show (take that all you reality tv doubters!!!). it felt so good having this gang of cool chicks in my corner...enthusiasm is so addictive in this profession. i needed that. so yeah, now i have homework. i plan on recruiting b to help me get some looks together (have i mentioned i have NO sense of fashion, she does and therefore i leave it up to the guru to do my fashionista bidding). sigh....take a breath tish.

such a great way to start the weekend. tv diaries called too. i'm not IN just yet. just made it to the next round...i know, i know. we'll just have to keep our fingers crossed a little bit more.

random quick change

substantial moment of the day: i was in my work parking lot this morning and thought to myself "i'm going to find my necklace today", looked down at that exact moment and there it was...my poor little star, bent on one side but there all the same. i almost cried. this tiny act left huge ripples through out the day. i had this weird confidence that i would do something and it happened...i have that same confidence about my career. i think it's coming ya'll...

i am so ready. i'm gonna strike a pose and hold that ish FOREVER!!!

quote for the day (that j pointed out again):
Exactly…when the weather matches the season you feel like you're apart of nature somehow…when this ISH throws up in your face you feel like a freak of nature

howl at the moon

11.13.2008
i left work pretty late today. i walked out into the cool night air and looked up at the big bright moon and said hi. i swear i had this huge urge to just let out a growl and howl at the moon. at this point you're wondering if your dear friend tishy has lost her flippin mind...in a way yes. i'm super duper hooked on the stinkin twilight books. i can't get enough of them. i swear crack has to be laced into the pages because it's all i think about.i eat, breath, sleep this ish!!!

i think i need help...

i'm on the second book (it's only been 7 days since i started reading the first one) and i'm shaking and jittery right now because i need to find out what happens next. vampires, werewolves...sigh. dear God help me keep one foot in the real world.





i had the weirdest great day today. i walked in this morning with a scowl firmly planted on my face but it melted throughout the day. nothing huge and important happened. (i heard not from the reality tv show), i didn't get the raise i so deserve, no good boy stories to report...nope just started getting more and more chipper just cuz. (didn't even need chocolate to get the fix either)

my gram's emails have been pretty profound lately. she has this format she loves to stick to: she tells me about her day, gossips about what the fam is up to, then tells me about whatever issues i've decided to open up to her about and then she ends with an inspirational quote and her thoughts on how to perk me up. she's been into the mind over matter stuff and it's working i think.

i realize some days you're just in a funk and that's it but for the days where we honestly have the option to choose..i choose smiles and giggles.

i have a funny video of myself attempting to do a russian man (aka vlog) and i let out a huge accidental toot. (what?!) it had me and my co workers about to pee our pants...that could have been part of it...maybe the fact that i'm going to washington d.c. with my best friend for THE most important political event in my lifetime, maybe even that we've been discussing our christmas present theme for this year (creative gift requirements make my heart go pitter patter)...i emailed my girl laura and pushed the twilight book--pushing the drug is a definite perk...just a good day. chicken or the egg situation.

clever analogy of the day (according to j): i will not let a boy hunt me like i'm a flippin jungle woman from a duran duran video.

: )
the end.



happy full moon: change is in the air

11.12.2008
i don't want to jump the gun here but i have to share my maybe sorta news...i think i was chosen for that new tv show i've been yapping about. lol pardon my calm demeanor but when the casting guy called me i was on my 10th hour on the job so my brain didn't quite process the words coming out of his mouth like they should have.

all i heard was, "congratulations, oops i guess i ruined the suprise waw waw waw waw just send us a dvd copy of all the submissions you've currently done for us"

uh lol...i think i got it??? i could just be going to the next round so i won't throw in exclamation marks just yet. lol i'm in a weird kind of shock and disbelief right now. i'll keep you updated on that but if i do get on the show you guys seriously have to tell all your friends, family and the strangers peeing beside you in the bathroom stalls to watch and vote for my behind! we'll make a contest of it. whoever gets the most folks to vote for me will win a free yogurt from yogurtland (my favorite heavenly thing right now). sound like a plan? :)

i booked tickets to d.c. for the inauguration today too. j and i always go somewhere for one of our birthdays. this year our trip happens to fall on her b day...which happens to be close to jan 20th so we said why not. we set up a meeting to talk this afternoon (yes we're nerdy like that) and now we'll be there to watch history unfold. i'll tell my grandkids some day i was there. i don't even care that my plane ticket was a ginormous amount. this ish is pricelss...plus i never allow myself to live like that. it's time to spread my wings and budge a little.

side perk: i get to finally meet my email boyfriend. we've talked for over a year now and i actually consider him to be one of my closest friends. weird we haven't met but that's all about to change.

everything's about to change...the world, my life, my bank account lol ALL OF IT!

i'm hoping my stomach can change soon too. i've been pumping iron and running my little tail off for awhile now. i have a meeting on friday evening with my modeling agency so hopefully the sweat sessions will prove beneficial.

waiting on the world to change...

when it's more than the metal

11.10.2008
a few months ago i fell in love with the book _a new earth_ by eckhart tolle. i loved his philosophy on how he sees the world. for a while i could even understand it (the philosophy that is)...live it bit by bit but as the months have passed i've forgotten some of the basics. one in general is the ability to deal with loss in a practical way.

accordingly, we give possessions too much importance and while i can see the rational behind the whole "not forming attachments" theory i still bawled like a baby tonight when i found out one of my favorite things in the whole wide world was lost. a couple of years ago b gave me a beautiful star necklace to remind me of what i am and want to be. it was touching and clever...something smaller than a breadbox that represented the the support of a friend.

do you have anything like that in the world? something that reminds you of something so sweet and touching that losing it feels like you've lost a part of your own flippin heart?

i've always been sentimental like that...i name things for goodness sake people. i named my camera, my ipod, my car lol...everything's got a name dang it!

losing the necklace didn't suddenly cause me to forget the kindness my girlie gave to me...but there's something about having a physical actual tangible hold on something that reminds you of something...it's so much more than the metal.

i have a heavy heart right now. loss is a difficult thing for me. sigh...it sounds silly but i feel different. i feel like i've been losing a lot of things lately and it's supposed to be some big sign that i'm not supposed to have anything right now. what is up wiht that?!

ugh. i'm too tired to figure out the symbolic crap. anyone got any ideas?

tequila truths

11.07.2008
ah what a night...

so i had a hard week. work was a bit draining and i voiced my pain and suffering to my good boy d so d did what good buds do best. he recommended tequila at my favorite little mexican restaurant down the street from my abode.

the man has some brilliant ideas. we had tequila infusions (this drink i dream about) ate some good food, had some strawberry margaritas, ate some flan and basically got sloshed lol. i personally recommend hanging with my good pal d if you need a laugh. the man is a light weight and moves uber slow once he's had some liquor. i fell over laughing twice in our booth. (maybe that was the alcohol but i was laughing nonetheless).

the most creative segment of the night happened when we started eating the flan. we would grab a spoonful of the strawberry flan goodness and do an "eff" toast to whatever had pissed us off during the week...then shove the goodness in our mouth and eat the pain : ) symbolic and yummy at the same time.

watching the count of monte cristo sealed the deal...man it was the perfect chill friday night. the tequila was callin my name...thank goodness it only called my name once. i plan to get up and run early morning and more than one of those puppies would have sent me on a way trip running to the bafroom : )

maybe a couple of chapters of the book _twilight_ (yes i'm hooked. it's my fix, my drug, my everything)

happy weekend ya'll...

give me ME or give me death

11.06.2008
that statement may sound a bit dramatic but i breathe & live drama so it works for me.

the good folks from that reality tv show contacted me a couple of days ago. i had sent in the latest russian man (aka vlog). apparently they really liked my tape and thought it was good but decided it needed to be great to please the studio folks so they had 'suggestions' as to what i should do to jazz up the tape.

the thing is it was a journal entry which means i was talking off the top of my head and unfortunately i'm not the greatest at acting like i'm experiencing something genuinely if it's not in fact...(gasp) genuine. in fact i suck at it.

it sounds lame but i was really stressin. i was fully prepared to tell the folks i changed my mind and didnt' want to do it anymore. like i said before, i have hang ups with reality tv. i don't want to be a part of some larger than life character of myself...i have to create an acting career off of this and so i'd like that to start with me, the real me. that whole first night i found out i had to jazz up my tape i tossed and turned in bed. i could feel myself getting caught up in the predicament of sticking to the truth or jumping on a really fast moving train to reality tv crazy town.

fortunately i woke up the next morning, received a call from the folks and found out i could just talk about something completely different and i'd be fine. i initially spoke about a date i was excited for...lol. i have NO clue if the guy will ever want to go out again (not looking good since i haven't received an offer yet and it's already Thursday--ouch!) but yeah, i couldn't re create that situation and act like i was giddy when i'm not really...at all lol. back to hating dating.

so i rattled on about how stressful dating can be and how men drive me to crazy. not as funny as the first (the 1st take is always the best darn it!) but yeah...i'm not worried. they'll either like it and i'll continue to send them russian men or i'll move on to the next door into acting.

it's out of my hands and i'm fine with that...i'm fine with that because it was me on the camera. i can handle me : )

Our individuality is all, all, that we have... blessed in the twinkle of the morning star is the one who nurtures it and rides it, in grace and love and wit....
—Tom Robbins

barack the vote!

11.04.2008
it's a bookmark kind of day again my friends...the kind of day you'll always remember. years from now people will ask "did you vote?" and they'll be referring to today.

was anyone else nervous to vote?! i couldn't sleep and ended up just getting up this morning and getting ready early. my hand shook as i punched my votes into the ballot and i teared up once i finished and received my sticker.

i feel like this is the first time i've participated in an american adult event and truly been aware of how important my action could be. the world is watching us all today...that's crazy too! our leader will change the world..and i'm not trying to be ethnocentric...it's true.

i'm watching cnn and i scream with delight everytime a new election prediction pops up. i love seeing the color blue...i really do.

my gals are coming over for some home baked cookies and gibber gabber. i've never been this invested. i'm putting my faith in americans. we can hope, we can believe, he can win!!!

familiar faces

11.01.2008
i saw a face i knew this morning and it got my little heart strings in a tizzy, had my brain shooting a thousand synapses a minute...there's this beautiful girl that did a script read with mr. writer and she was on the last episode of private practice.

i knew her face immediately. at the reading i was flippin drawn to her. not only is she this beautiful petite talented woman but she's also one of mr. writer's good friends...facebook always pops up tagged pics of the two of them (facebook is bad for nosy people fyi)

how did she do it? how did she get on my favorite show? what acting classes did she take? how did she convey such emotion? was the director on set helpful at guiding the guest stars? how did it feel to act along side of those folks?! ugh...lucky lucky girl.

mr writer doesn't think i'll make it out here. nice right lol? i wonder when my questions will lead to answers...ways inside that proverbial open door. mr writer is surrounded by people that have walked through...maybe he's forgotten that there's no one way in (or i would have taken it) i'm not phased by the doubt though. the only thing phasing me is this chick's darn face. the more i stay in this game the more i'll start to see faces i know or have met...the trick is to not let the sea of familiar faces manifest into a ball of jealousy or defeat but instead become the ball of 'push' that will remind me i'm that much closer.

bring on the faces.
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