transformations

8.28.2008
the last couple of days have been life changing and inspiring.

first of all, how can one not be inspired by the speeches we've all heard from those at the democratic national convention. i have just returned from a business trip which consisted of seeking out a tv so that might be able to listen, to call home to my roommate so that i could watch...glued to the tv as much as possible, i couldn't get enough of the energy blaring from my screen. there's something historical happening to america...whether those scared to change care to admit, something's happening . the optimistics of the world are rejoicing in the fact that people can and will get sick of "dooms day to all" mentalities...there are more anne franks in the world than people once thought...people can get up and demand goodness. i love the political climate right now...can't get enough of it!

i just mentioned my business trip which was a life changing moment indeed. i'll be the first to admit i had a sour puss cloud hanging out above my head in regards to the whole idea of my bosses sending me on a trip. i could flip every reason why they chose me into something negative and was pouting days beforehand. it was a great trip though. after my first meeting went well and i unpacked my belongings into the cool arse hotel room my company picked for me to stay in something changed. i realized that my bosses trusted my competence and professionalism to get the job done. i'm always myself...i was still goofy and ridiculous during my meetings but my colleagues and i got the job done and i felt pretty darn ok with tootin' my horn at that point. the perks of going on a business trip aren't bad either! you're compensated for everything, i got a chance to bond with the folks i traveled with (you haven't experienced life until you've sat in an airport with your boss rating good looking men!) and meet some fun new people.

i got the chance to visit chele and beej while i was up there too.

the lovely couple that they are, they drove an hour to see me and took me out to this amazing restaurant in walnut creek called "maria, maria". i had some of the best mexican food i've ever shoved in my mouth, drank a sangria marguerita that lulled me a wonderful romantic trance and enjoyed some of the best conversation with my two pals i've ever had. they're both professors and always have these brilliant ideas and this time they had some that could possibly help me in my acting career. (have i ever mentioned it's great having smart friends?)

when i finally got into that huge uber comfortable bed last night i couldn't help but giggle at my good fortune. i felt content and at that moment i was floating in some good ole fashion bliss.

as i was drifting off to sleep a good friend of mine, this amazing dancer, texted to let me know she had just moved to hollywood and couldn't wait to hang. i was of course excited out of my mind to know a friend had moved out here but then a short pang of sadness hit...we met the week before i moved out to la. she could see my passion and fire for acting and my dream and knew i would do what i spoke of so confidently. hearing from her was a reminder that i haven't done much since moving out here but it only lasted for a brief moment. i think she's the perfect person to light a fire under my butt to propel me into action. her life and passion for dance is mad inspiring and so once again a friend has come along and saved a wee part of me.

life's hard but i'm definitely collecting all of the lessons, realizations, friends and experiences for something bigger than myself. nothing will be in vain : )




potential

8.26.2008
i love seeing the potential in my friends.

i had short conversations with a couple of them today that i'm really thankful for...one friend spoke to me of her current tugs of the heart and how hard it is after a break up, one friend and i discussed ascending and the voice one must possess in order to get that kind of ball rolling and yet another spoke of the excitement one experiences when the universe decides to be kind.

all of those conversations left me with this feeling of pride...i just want those individuals to know that i see them...i see friend a's potential to love in the best kind of ways with someone that deserves it. (she's not a compromiser and knows she's fly...tugs will come and go...her spirit will keep her walking on sunshine) i see friend b's career aspirations as a reality. (the gal has a great brain and the gumption needed for success.) friend c, has been dealing with strife for years, always remaining patient, always hopeful and the ish is finally paying off. (she's worked so hard to make a life for her and her loved ones and now she's about to see the fruits of her labors.) she couldn't contain her excitement today and it was great being in her path...soaking all the positive energy up.

when i got home this afternoon i watched the documentary, "the black list" that i had recorded and was blown away for the second time. it's great! watch it! all these amazing people discussing what they did with their potential...

so many great quotes and ideas, funny quips...but most importantly, so many great inspirational living, breathing realities to listen to and learn from.

my favorite professor from college used to always say, "god gave us two ears and only one mouth for a reason". today was a good day to listen and acknowledge some good ole fashioned potential.

What's in a Name?

I don’t know what’s up with all of my romeo & Juliet references lately but just work with me for a bit.

So, like half of the population, I have always hated my full name. If it wasn’t too big, it was too fancy, if it wasn’t too fancy it was hood sounding…but all of that changed today, 27 years after my mom switched up Ryan Nicole for LaTisha Che’nelle...I, Miss Tish, think my full name is pretty darn cool.

Why, you ask? The other day at Jinky’s with B we stumbled upon an actress that we know we had seen in countless 80’s flicks but couldn’t pin point…so today B remembers and searches for the lady on IMDB.com and whaddya know…She finds Kristy McNichol…the actress who played “Leticia ‘buddy’ Lawrence” on a tv show my mom loved as a young’in. I grew up hearing about this "buddy" character and how cool she was but I never really latched on to the idea...I couldn't get passed the darn "Latissue" taunts I kept receiving from kids at school. It’s crazy seeing someone just chillin in a restaurant and you know that someone loved them enough to name their frickin kid after them.

If I ever see that woman again I’ll make sure to tell her thank for the name : )
Never thought I’d ever say that!

collage of anniversary day

8.24.2008










pics from hermosa and the grove

hermosa beach part III

yesterday i made a toast with b on a pier near a beach...

we gave cheers to being able to spend countless times together and never growing tired...anniversary number 3 went down in the books.

yesterday was amazing. b and i started out the day with a little jinky's, this great breakfast joint i like to pop into with friends from time to time. we grubbed and talked and talked some more, played coo face with babies and then moved on to the next spot--the grove

the grove is this great little la oasis...you're driving through the streets of construction and rock band flyers on building sides, eye sores abound, when you get to this little island of shopping and pretty people. we window shopped, snacked on yummy stuff at the french market and then went and saw "vicky christina barcelona" (yes i had to see it again) where i watched b fall in love with the film like i had. we had a blast discussing the characters and the idea of a man like "juan antonio"...sigh.

we ate a cupcake, had some coffee yumminess and then walked around a bit more before heading to hermosa..the place where we went for our first best friend celebration.

there's a taco stand that is a must on a trip to the beach--tito's tacos down off the 405. so we stopped, got two greasy big tacos with the best salsa in the world, took pictures that lead to b nicknaming me "tish ferritt" and held our stomachs from all the laughing. life was definitely enjoyed and just kept getting better and better.

hermosa is and always will be this beautiful spot where folks have no worries. people walk the beach paths in the late evening, people in wet suits play among the waves on boogie boards, men and their sons fish along the pier and people just exist outside...lol may sound a bit simple but the valley is HOT. lol you don't go outside unless you absolutely have to. we just walked and snapped photos and soaked up beach life (and some clammy skin from the air). we ate at sangria, our favorite little spot, and drank our lovely little pitcher for hours on end, chatting with folks from time to time. after 10 the restaurant turns into a club so we danced and danced lol...and danced some more. i've never perspired that much but we met the best people to make the night as great as it was...

there was this guy named trey, this beautiful asian black guy and his hilarious wing man, eugene (a spry guy who had the ability to drop it like it's hot and speed dance around b until the point of dizziness), levi and jennifer--these amazing dancers that had b and i doing a foursome dance thing (don't know what to call that mess)...that left b and i blushin! a guy i went on two dates with (and then never called again--aka "the bell") showed up too...talk about deliciously awkward. i kept seeing him through out the bar, trying his hardest to avoid my stare...lol...all the ladies reading this know how horrible that whole scenario can be. by the end of the night he came over (reluctantly after he caught me shaking my head in disapproval at the unfortunate looking girl he was trying his hardest to look interested in)...we did the awkward "how ya been? good good" and i went about my way...how unfortunate though...he was a handsome HANDSOME man but his social skills weren't so hot

b met a couple of folks...one named d'angelo that had me giggling (her guys are always characters) and we closed the night.

we both agreed hermosa is the perfect get away when you just want to celebrate life...and that we definitely did. it's a known fact i can't sleep in, no matter how late i go to bed, so i'm a little bruised in the brain right now but it was worth it. i love packing my life with rich interesting moments...times where pretense and self awareness fly out the door and you're just living...absorbing and reacting, reacting and absorbing.

that's my kinda anniversary. thank you b...for 3 lucky lucky years!

obama's vice president

8.23.2008
joe biden? ah man...

i was really hoping obama's running mate would be kathleen sebelius...in a perfect world.

alright all you obama heads...lets cross our fingers and get our voting heads on straight.

vicky christina barcelona

8.22.2008
i'll start out by saying this blog will not give away anything in the movie. : )
now keep reading

i fell in love with this movie...like i've never fallen before. it's gotta be one of the most sexy and honest flicks i've ever watched. good job mr. allen!

i came away thinking there are two kinds of people in this world:

first there are those that believe love entails taking the someone they love and molding that world into theirs...rubbing off on the person, taking some of them...you get the picture.

then there are those that love you freely...visually speaking they'd stand beside you...loving, not tainting. to change nothing about you...just wanting to exist, observe and admire...

any movie that can help define a little part of love is ok in my book!

sittin' on a secret

Your girl’s been sittin’ on a secret. I’ve been miserable lately…swimming in the blues like billie holiday on crack.

I notice certain things in my life tend to represent other aspects in weird ways…for instance I’ve been on autopilot: going to work, coming home, going through the motions…just going to keep moving until some purpose or life appreciation decides to join me for the journey. At the same time I’ve done this autopilot thang, I’ve been on a random ipod shuffle kick. I had no urge to listen to anything in particular so I’d just shuffle through songs (like I shuffled through life) looking for something to appreciate…

all the shufflings were random signifiers that I wasn’t in control.

Today I thought about that as I was fumbling through oscar jr trying to find a bobby Caldwell song and it dawned on me that I was seeking something out. It caused me to immediately pick up my phone and call an acting coach I kept meaning to call but never would. Figure sometimes you just have to stop hitting shuffle and just make a decision…

So now I’m on Amy Winehouse, the “Frank” album, and swaying along to something I think I’ve been craving for a while now…the satisfaction from wanting something, going after it and it being exactly what you needed.

It’s little. Maybe my poetic analytical tangents are fluff and fancy but it’s helping me sway and bop through the day so I don’t care. : )

finding that frequency

8.21.2008
ru paul mentioned being on someone's frequency and i kinda dug the idea.

it makes you wonder if your life is on the same frequency of your heart, your dreams, etc. even more of an enigma...how does one know what frequency they're even on?

i may not know what waves i ride specifically but i know i'm not on the right one as of late. work blows, my modeling agent asked me yesterday if my resume was really that sparse and work blows lol. it's so bad it had to be written twice. it's crazy how your job can consume your life...when you come home and fall on your bed/couch/whatever and can't even imagine getting back up you know something's wrong.

yesterday it felt so good to apply for a new job. i found one at a university that seems really cool. i'd be the assistant in a tv, film and radio department...kinda right up my alley wouldn't you say? plus my hours would be way shorter without a severe pay cut. i have bills galore but i think i would sacrifice a bit more, maybe purchase a couple more ramon noodle packs to get my life back to a frequency i could ride with.

so that's what's given me back a little bounce in my step. my little glimmer of hope...wrapped up in yet another job...maybe a bit closer to the industry i prefer. my fortune cookie says, 'the change you started already have far-reaching effects. be ready."

sigh...I'M READY DAMN IT! i couldn't be more ready...i'd like a plate of ready with a side of ready and a little ready for dessert. i'm ready!


"give me my sin again"

8.19.2008
i don't know about romeo's speeches for a woman clearly destined for doom, but i'm all for paragraphs of admiration for the things in life that make our worlds smile. i got some pains in my side that alone, aren't really that much but gosh darn it if they all didn't snow ball at once...so much stress and not a darn place to drop it and go. or is there?...

sometimes life's stresses pick at me like a tiny tattoo gun needle and i can't seem to shake the numbing side effects. sometimes, when i'm on the brighter side of things, i focus on more aesthetically pleasing things...takes the edge off.

aesthetically pleasing things of the day:

1.) this yummy scrumptious whey protein mix i got from gnc (thanks to my cuz, kate). it is a yummy caramel flavored morsel of heaven that i use as a meal supplement...although i couldn't wait for the dishwasher to finish cleaning the blender thingy so i ate before and then had the shake and now i feel like the blob part III. at least i know for tomorrow though, right!?

2.) the hills...the show is back on and while i should hate it royally i can't help but wish i could be whitney or l.c. just for one day...maybe a year : ) there's just something about gals that have pretty clothes and pretty careers and pretty dramas while living a pretty life. i dream of pretty.

3.) miles davis "shades of blue". i blog about the album all the time. if someone went through and counted they'd think i had issues but it's just that good. today i came home from a hard day of work, took off my dress, fell into some comfy sweats, put my hair up and put on some miles...it don't get any more chill than that people!

4.) book gifts...a friend let me borrow this great little book that has all of these amazing quotes on spirituality and living life. it paints the most beautiful pictures and gives simple metaphors for why certain things need to happen in our lives.
sweet explanations...ahhhhh

now life feels better. i'm about to pop in my netflix for the week and go out with a bang.

at this point in the day i could totally walk away with a "i heart beer" let down tattoo and be good...lol thank goodness for whey protein and pretty things!



a weekend with my family

8.17.2008
letter from the ombudsman: some of you lovely little nosy rosies are really trying to figure out who mr actor is and it is not eriq la salle lol...ha! that would be pretty darn funny though. he was just a nice complimenter...lol sigh

ok so the weekend got two thumbs up. kate, my lovely cousin, came down to my other cousin shell's place at the beach so friday i hopped in my car after work, ran home and packed a small bag and then headed off, ipod blaring, for my mini vacation.

the one thing that resonated all weekend long was how much i loved the company surrounding me. my cousins are seriously fun as heck and shell's friends never leave a gal bored...we laughed, danced, drank, grubbed, sunned at the beach, watched a chick flick and i couldn't have been more happy. it was a good escape from the last two weeks of work and no play.

there's something surreal about hanging with people that have known you your whole life ...it's the kind of "you get me" that is hard to explain...it's just oh so lovely. weirdly enough, EVERYONE we met over the weekend thought kate and i were sisters...my sisters and i look NOTHING alike so it was kind of fun to pop in and out of places with her this weekend. i'm posting some pics below...ya'll be the judge:


kate & me


elaine and our new friends
(aka lunch)


twin sandwhich


shell bustin' a move


g luv


sigh...feeling the saki right about now



cousins : )


beach time



shell was actually trying to get the folks behind me being naughty


goofs all night long


a night of sisterhood

8.14.2008
My body is moaning some major slave hymns today…

When will I bees free?

Lol…I dinged my omm chimes this morning in hopes of starting the day with peace. We’ll see if it works. I’m so ready to find a place where I can be at peace, free from stressful work tasks, sneaky guys and bad folks all around…that doesn’t involve being six feet under!!!

I attempted the normal life (which is why my body happens to moan this morning). b and I decided we’d defy the natural order of “work like slave, go home, sleep, do it all again” and go see a movie and grab a bite to eat.

We hit up winks, this weird little restaurant where each table houses a computer for you to order your food on and play games…we had a hootin’ good time playing pictionary together (I still don’t understand why it took her two minutes to recognize that my picture of hair falling out and then an arrow pointing to the piece of hair was a “track”) our flick of choice was “the sisterhood of the traveling pants” which ended up being brilliant for two buds on a Wednesday night. it was really sweet and chick-perfect…there was one really hard part about one of the girls dealing with the death of a parent…luckily for me I have a wonderful best friend who immediately grabbed my hand. I don’t know if you all get just how significant it is to have someone that knows your sensitive spots like b knows mine…I think that was one of the most touching dang gestures I’ve ever witnessed and totally helped the tears stop once the scene was over. The movie was emotional yes, but even better it totally re-inspired us to go to italy. She doesn’t know it yet but next may j will be joining b and I in italy for b’s 30th birthday : ) after seeing 4 girls kick it in Greece, bonding ridiculously it’s only right that we frickin find the cash to head across the big pond.

Fittingly, miles davis’ “move” just popped up on my shuffle. I never argue with sweet coincidences.

the dating chronicles

8.12.2008
ahhhh the dating chronicles of my life.

how i love the men that find me. i ask myself, "self, what are you puttin out there into the universe to get the type of guys you're getting?" and my self replies back, "i don't know sister but your fav game may end up being 'old maid' some day".

so the first night of the film festival i met an actor at the opening night party. (i can tell you this story now that i've squashed communication) he's a handsome guy that was charming and intelligent to boot so i said why not and gave the guy my number. he called me that night and we talked about meeting up for a date once he returned from a 2 week trip and everything seemed cool and interesting. i haven't really been inspired to date lately...nothing's really rocked my boat but he (we'll refer to him as mr actor) seemed like someone you could have a good honest and sincere conversation with...

everything seemed cool and then today happened.


the guy started sending weird texts that led me to raise the red flag. so me being the good journalist that i am, i got on the internet and decided i'd google the lad...find out if there was any dirt on mr star and LOW AND BEHOLD i found a gang of information (and pictures) of him and his lovely wife who i favor just a little bit (little bit) and there THREE children : )

lol...can i PLEASE say i'm officially done dating? married friends hug your spouses tight and thank them for not being a schmuck.

fellow single ladies never listen to what a man says...just watch what he does.

i think i should have been born some sort of animal that produces without the help of sperm.

highs for the day (yes i actually had them) :

1.) going to pasadena for my spa day...yes i know i usually do this on weekends but mine have been sort of busy so i did it today and the zen came out and all was right with the world...and my eyebrows!

2.) a woman i work with gave me this chime with an om symbol. i hung it above my bathroom door in my bedroom hallway...i've brought peace to my room :)

complete side bar quote that made me happy:

The self is made, not given. It is a creative and active process of attending a life that must be heard, shaped, seen, said aloud into the world, finally enacted and woven into the lives of others.
—Barbara Myerhoff


it ain't over yet caterpillar

8.11.2008
it's monday. i've taken another day off of work. for all those that know me this is no simple act. i hate skipping out on things but my weekend was so hard...so hard and i went through so much. i just needed a day...i needed to sleep off the long days i've been working for the passed two weeks and get a grip on the range of emotions i experienced in regards to this festival i put so much faith into.

so i have already written about the first two days. i thought having gotten over what was warned to be the two most busy days my days would start to get better... some spectacular networking would get done but that wasn't the case.

i'm going to summarize as best as i can: the festival was about bringing black films to a central location and creating hype, discussions, etc. and while that did happen and people who actually attended the festival got a lot out of it i stayed behind the scenes for most of the time. this was fine but i sat around and waited to help people if need be. the thing was the festival was ran ridiculously well so there weren't a lot of times for me to step in and really sweat and get dirty in the whole swing of things. i felt kinda useless and displaced. i sat and did things by myself a lot and it got really lonely quickly. people kept calling me the wrong names...i was trish for most of the weekend and at times the only folks that even 'saw' me or attempted a smile were the cleaning staff.

i realized just how lonely hollywood really is. people reserve their smiles for the big dogs and that is a sad sad thing. i wanted to cry sometimes...i didn't know why i was there....what purpose i served...i didn't feel like my spirit was really recognized and part of that was me. i don't usually shrink under pressure but i did. i felt small and i became small...no one noticed me and that was pretty much how the weekend went. (this isn't good if you're trying to be an actress...someone with a supposed it factor)

this blog is about reflections and luckily there's a good ending.

so saturday night was hard. i tried to sit in a viewing of "waiting to exhale" because some of the actresses from the movie would be doing a Q and A session afterwards...right as angela bassett started to discuss how she started acting i was plucked from the audience to help with an emergency. i ended up holding a back board for the press' red carpet (if you look behind the actors on red carpets, you'll always see a sponsor's name or the name of the party, etc.). so basically, loretta, angela and lela stood on the other side of what i held up. i could hear them laughing and see the flashes going off and it hit me that i was on the other side of the red carpet...desperately wanting to move to the front. if i didn't have photographers laughing at what i was doing i probably would have broke down and cried.

i went home shortly after that, exhausted out of my mind, only to find out that my car was overheating. i chugged up laurel canyon (i think i can i think i can) and made it home thankfully and passed out...didn't even think about the car..the day...i couldn't even process it all. i just went to bed.

the next morning a charlie horse (sent from God i think) woke me at 6:30 am which was great because it took me a really long time to walk to the store, buy some coolant, learn how to put in coolant lol and get rolling for work. i washed the dirt from underneath my fingernails and put on a happy smile. sunday began.

because it was the last day of the festival all the staff met up early in the morning. a prayer was said and some of the team members shared their positive experiences. i sat there and cried. not because i related to them and the feelings they had (made great friends, made great contacts,etc) but because i hadn't experienced any of it. i felt bad because i didn't feel like i was a good enough volunteer...didn't feel like i had gotten the chance to work hard enough...i didn't feel like i had networked beneficially and it just left me feeling really desolate and lost.

it was during my last day, during my moments of solitude sitting in the back room alone that i started processing what i had learned.

1.) i had to be the master of my own destiny
2.) that i would never be ok with myself if i treated people "hollywood"...everyone deserves a smile and some sort of human acknowledgment. (i spoke to holly robinson peete and niecy nash and they're both the real deal...what you see on tv is what you get...genuinely nice and so i know it can be done.)

ok so the master of the destiny thing was troubling me...here i was sitting in a room alone, no acting contacts to speak of...but then it hit me that i had woken up, fixed my dang car and just accepted the drama and worked through it. i figured i should do the same for my acting career and things started to look up.

i was asked to help out with a project and produced some sweat quickly. i worked hard to help someone out and then got ready for the closing ceremony in 20 minutes. that's when a girl got emotional. so the closing film was a documentary called "the black list", an HBO film so look out for it on HBO!!! it was thought provoking, emotional, interesting, entertaining and honest. basically it embodied what i thought a film festival should be: a place where art exists and passion flourishes in film's form. my heart swells with pride when i see people doing what they do best and being praised for it. there was endless clapping after interviewees would finish their segments...folks like toni morrison and slash from guns n' roses spoke of their life experiences being black and i just connected again with my dream.

their words inspired me. the creators of the documentary inspired me and at that point the film festival inspired me. i started to glow. i met a woman making a documentary that pertains to something i've gone through in my life. we exchanged information and hopefully i'll be able to give some info to that project. i made an acting connect with an actress out here in la. eriq la salle took me aside, grabbed my hand and said he just had to tell me i was elegant and then i really started glowing. : ) once i feel like i've gotten my message and my path is a little clearer i glow. if mr la salle is paying me a compliment for standing out in a room of beautiful women then i'm not a hopeless wallflower case and that's good...i may be "trish" now but some day folks are gonna remember what my name is!!!

yesterday i went to coffee bean to get a chai tea latte and i read this quote on a coffee mug:

" Just when the caterpillar thought it's life was over, it turned into a butterfly."

this quote is a part of me now. something in me just clicked. it may be a while before i'm the talent sitting up on the stage at the next american black film festival BUT it will happen.

at one point in the weekend, one of the guest actresses mentioned how wrong it is to let creativity go unused...she said something about that energy wondering lost in the universe for thousands of years after you've passed. it broke my heart to think about that. i can't let that happen now can i?

update on the film festival

8.08.2008
so i've just completed the second day of volunteering for the american black film festival...figured it would be a good idea to start writing now. the memo pad on my phone can't take much more of the incessant note taking.

before i begin i have to say i love waking up in the mornings later than my normal 5:30a.m. and driving through the streets of my neighborhood, watching folks functioning through their types of mornings. my life is so robotic and monotonous...it's crazy seeing folks out walking their dogs at 8:30...enjoying a coffee outside of a java shop. i always wonder what folks like that do and how i can get to that life.

ok so the festival:

well first of all it's produced all the feelings in me that i suspected. i've been so close to successful people doing what i want to do...folks posing as 'normal', breathing the same air as me, but living on a whole other dream cloud. it's such an odd experience for me being near someone doing what i want to do...i get so small and wide-eyed. lol...

i wanna be on those clouds so bad.

the first night i went to a showing of "carmen jones" and listened to halle berry give an introduction to the movie. i should have been in awe of her and the fact that someone with an oscar was that close but the movie itself left the greatest impact. as soon as halle finished talking and the lights went down a mass of folks walked out of the theater. it was disappointing for sure (makes you wonder how many film lovers come to these festivals and how many come for the stars) but the movie definitely made up for it. it was my first time seeing dorothy dandridge. she gave me goosebumps. the legacy that woman left is tragic and beautiful all at the same time. i sat in that half-empty theater and watched the woman that paved the way for gals like me. i left feeling like i had gotten what i needed to get out of the festival. old hollywood...learning about the roots.

a person intrigued me today. i sat for an hour talking with the head of security for the festival about women who compromise everything to have a piece of a small chance with some big star in hopes of their talent (or luck) rubbing off. she spoke of positive energy and integrity...mentioned that she knew i was on the right path. it was just cool to hear my goodness shows : )

i went to a symposium today too that had a panel of mangers, agents, lawyers and finance gurus giving advice on representation in the biz. i know the room was packed standing room only because people were waiting for a big shot to notice them and force them to sign on the dotted line (me included) but i came away with something that could lead me to something good like that which is pretty and that's half the battle. basically i learned i need to be the master of my own destiny...big theme that keeps popping up.

the people at these events aren't trying to network lol...unless you're above them somehow in the climb to the top they're not looking down or sideways so i'm really trying to enjoy the lessons i'm learning just from observing people trying to hustle with folks that are already full from the talent on their plates.

something about this stuff is changing me. i sat in that meeting and started tearing up. it's so weird to sit in a room full of people just like you and still believe you're different and you'll be the one to make it. my world's size fluctuates ridiculously.

besides all of that i've met some really great people that i have had a blast talking to. there's this one girl, d, who keeps me entertained like no other. it's good to see a goofy sister like myself with honorable career goals trying to do the dang thing too. there's a younger woman that comes from tv royalty who has a great head on her shoulders, an english goddess (only way to describe the woman!) who is lovely and practically perfect in every way and the guy i work for teases me incessantly but it's hilarious as all get out.

all in all it's been good for me so far...my classrooms keep getting crazier and crazier.

center of the storm

8.06.2008
i have been twisting through a storm.

today is the first day in a long time i have not worked an 11 or 12 hour day. the first day i haven't cried, the first day i've come home with energy to spare. if you didn't know pisces people are easily swayed. we're water...whatever's thrown in our space causes us to shake and move about which unfortunately for me happened to be negative shaking in the last couple of days.

i'm dealing with some bozo boys that i've said some nasty things to. one in particular got a nasty little message a bit ago. raise your hand if you think it's whack of a guy to purposely try to keep you in the picture as a safety net while he skips about with girls in his city on the other side of the country? raise 'em high now!

work has been KILLIN me and i feel horrible because i've been working these long days and then having to attend meetings for the festival and i'm just this blubbering baboon to the film people. i'm cranky, impatient...sigh. they don't deserve it and it makes me resent my job all the more...it is stealing my joy.

i don't know if it's pure exhaustion but i'm scared ya'll. this festival could mean so much...i was driving home around 11 last night...back back to the valley! and crying to God to PLEASE let this be an opportunity where someone positive and proactive comes into play. i just NEED this to be an opportunity. i NEED a break...just a new fork in the road...i'm hanging on by a thread and i just don't know what to do anymore.


there were a lot of needs in that last paragraph. i don't know if that's productive on my part but heck if i know how to ask for something appropriately lately. i plan on going to bed early tonight (lots of rest), waking up bright and early, making a good breakfast and heading to the volunteer meeting place. one of the perks of volunteering is you get to attend some of the events on your down time which means i get the opportunity to go to this symposium where folks in the business will discuss finding representation and making connections. i NEED a hungry person in my corner that believes in me and wants to see me clutching that little gold man some day. need need need!

i'm taking this opportunity to chill in my little center of the storm and do what i gotta do before the crazy starts. i would say wish me luck but this is starting to get serious..my sanity is coming into play. i need so much more than luck right now. i need some hard core prayers and some universe shout outs. i'll start. :)


beautiful intentions, hilarious mistakes

8.05.2008
I’m sorry but I could dish out a million lessons based off of the movies I’ve watched. Take nanny mcphee for instance (don’t hate). This haggard looking woman comes into this group of brothers and sisters’ lives and helps them become this group of lovely brits by movie end…every time the children learn something about themselves and their family one of the nanny’s haggard distinctions disappear…a wart, some weight, frizzy hair lol…please just take a simple lesson and don’t analyze the heck out of the darn thing (or this blog for that matter). The point is seeing beautiful intentions in someone can be beautiful…you start to see the chick or gent in a new light.

I love when I find out someone’s purpose for doing something. I of course look for bits of noble and if I find them then my soul glows a bit.

I don’t know how noble my volunteer work is for the film festival this week but I did think of something interesting based off of my intentions. I so wanted to leave on Saturday…they had us doing back breaking work that left me weak and mindless. I wanted to stop so bad but then I had a thought. I hoped that someone wouldn’t putter out on me at the first signs of hardship…and for that reason I kept working like a slave. Is it a beautiful intention? I don’t know but I’d like to think so lol.

Work has been boo boo (and kept me from this blog no doubt) but I had a funny ha ha moment today that caused me to smile for the first time in a really long time. thought I’d share.

So I was obviously shaken by the earthquake…today I’m sitting at my cube and I feel the ground start to shake again. I immediately grab for my desk and start wiggin out, moaning…the works and then I look over at my cubby buddy and I shout “What is that?!”. right as I do this a person walks by us that is a little on the heavy side. My cubby buddy figures out that tish screaming + panic on her face + person walking by are all connected and starts laughing hysterically lol….oh my gosh I can’t even type this without cracking up. my apparently wound up self needs a major chill pill yo!

The panic stricken face alone is enough to send me to the ground holding my stomach…sigh. oh tishy..

No earthquake ya’ll….just a hilarious mistake.

This week is gonna be crazy. lets hope I meet some people who have beautiful intentions for my acting career!
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