it gets me through the tough moments of life that make you wanna run to a corner and suck your thumb and that's just swell.
did i mention that i hate my 9 to 5? it sucks every last bit of energy out of me and currently has me working 12 hour days...no time for auditions (if my agent was actually sending them)...no time for thought processes or fun...i've been working long days and i have been waiting for the day when my bosses would acknowledge all my hard work and compensate me in a way that would shush all my grumblings for at least a month or so...today in my staff meeting i received a star post it pad.
when this kind of stuff happens i have to wrap my dream around me as tight as i can and remember that all of this will make for good "true hollywood story" material some day (my best friend is always reminding me of this.)
so although my body aches and i wanna cry because of all the shady things circulating i still keep hope alive that this too shall pass.
black film festival events begin this weekend for me. i just found out an hour or so ago that, sick and all, i have to meet the crew on saturday for an all day (11am-5pm) festival preparation meeting. i'm actually excited. it's not really work when you love it. again...hope. i HOPE something great comes happens soon. i'm documenting all of this so that one day (soon) i can look back with some perspective (j thought!) and remember what it took to get the dream.
hope keeps all of this going. without it i think my spirit would break every time my 5am alarm goes off...
i love it when my dream saves me.
p.s. i am officially on imdb now!!! pics will appear in the next 72 hours...booya!
sigh...an earthquake on my third year anniversary...and my girl ashlea texted to tell me that the episode of "all of us" i was on almost 3 years ago is showing today.
what, if anything, does it mean?
I’m kinda thankful for anniversaries. Having mile markers help me step back and see where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I’ve been getting questions a lot about acting “how’s it going? Have you been in anything yet?” and it’s really forced me to keep the fire inside of me churning…may have caused immense heart burn but I can roll with the side effects.
Three years ago I was driving on the freeways of California, garden state soundtrack (last track) blaring on my radio wondering what the heck I had gotten myself into.
I was so young and clueless. Although it’s been challenging as heck out here I feel I’m starting to find my groove and hopefully this year’s goals work out. I want to get through that dang door by year’s end. I want that contract that says you’ve made it.
In three years I’ve learned I’ve got guts. I’ve learned my dream really is acting or bust. I’ve learned that no dream can be chased alone—friends are my life force. I’ve learned in three years that this road has no frickin map AT ALL. I’ve learned that you definitely can’t trust a whole lot of people out here but there is a someone who has the golden ticket…if I can just find him or her! I’ve learned dating distracts me lol that I need acting classes lol and that kiwi power is still in me!
My hopes for the next year? I hope I have learned about myself well enough to remain strong, wise and firm in my life intentions, that i’m able to approach my dream with humility and confidence and appreciate the heck out of it because I’ve finally accepted my uncharted map to get there. Three years later I’m still learning and definitely still dreaming!
first day in los angeles...kansas girl in overalls and pigtails...can i be any more sweet and innocent?
the goal...the oscar, not john stewart ; )
always start with comfort...favorite over-sized kansas sweatshirt? check. comfy boxer shorts? check. green tea, adele playing in the background and silenced crackberry phone? check and then some. alright...
first and foremost the weekend wasn't long enough...at all. when i was a kid i remember weekends being somewhat magical...they lasted for days on end it seemed and every weekend morning was filled with infinite possibilities. i woke up this saturday feeling that way. i got up early enough to appreciate the early morning rays, watched some shows i've had recorded for weeks, read some and then my girl b came over and things just got betta and betta...
time with b is always great. sisters united in goofiness, we can't help but heehaw where ever the wind takes us. we saw a really bad movie yesterday and laughed hysterically at our bad luck, got dolled up and met up with some guys for a house party, had fun times talking with new folks and then came home and giggled until the point of exhaustion and passed out cold. these are the weekends that i never want to end. today i hung with miss e and it was more of the same. i love hanging out with my buds. they're all so interesting in the best of ways and they seriously make my world a better place. we apartment shopped for a bit and then she joined me for a friend's birthday party celebration down at this beautiful park.
that's where the muse came in. my birthday buddy gave this really moving speech thanking his friends and family...had me in tears. it's so great being in the same space with a friend when they're lovin' life to the fullest. the man was just pouring his heart out and at that moment i felt blessed to be there...i wonder if people realize how lucky they are when others invite them into their lives. we do it all the time (make friends that is). we make it seem easy, sometimes quite simple but at the end of the day, on the most basic of levels the relationships we cultivate are what make our worlds go round.
i love the people that help make my life something i can sit here and write about. i'm thankful that my noggin allows me to process appreciation for the people that bring endless lessons and i hope at the end of the day they all know that i think the world of them...ya kinda can't help it when they're the ones that make your world so.
i read and come across lovely words and phrases and i usually blog about the ones that stand out...they somehow apply to something blog worthy in my life and i scribble away but this week has left me stark raving loony so i just listed what i found...can't waste perfectly good brilliance!
i finished out the week like a good little girl. tonight i watched my good little show "project runway" and now i'm gonna take a good little trip with winkin, blinkin and nod to the land of zzz.
this whole week i felt like claire danes on "my so called life". she did a really good job of doing everything in this muted kind of way lol...if that makes sense. this week was like a quiet trembling of the mouth before the big cry. lol...i held it there in that little wrinkle below the lip like a pro. i made it through the mess though.
i can deal with this for now because it's not perm. i know in my heart that someone out there is just itching to scoop me up and make me their next protege character in some brilliant film.
sigh...the woman had me rolling. i love talking to older folks and listening to their slang and how they see the world. seriously gives me the opportunity to see the world from someone else's perspective and i just love that.
it was the perfect conversation after a long day of work. (i battled the j.o.b. and came out on top by the way) i got praises from all my bosses and even the vice president for a job well done today but i'm still gunnin' for a new job lol...just because i do well under pressure doesn't mean a sista wants to be tested and put there. i think i learned some valuable lessons about myself this week...one being you gotta know when to blow and keep 'em wanting more!
thursday evenings are nice...i went in at 6:30 this morning and came out at 6 so i am fully enjoying doing absolutely nothing now.
tomorrow i have a date and then saturday i'm hanging with the mighty b. woo hoo 4th weekend!!!
this week started out so different from its ending. some things never change but i'm happy when the negatives do!
i just spoke to my mom...we don't get to talk all that often now that she's started a new job back home in the midwest. it's so good to hear that woman's voice. she's just so good at being sweet and encouraging. momma's are the best.
take the pill...
i actually had to take a chill pill at the job today. i owe it all to this weird karma thing i've been going thru for a couple of years now. if i give advice i have no earthly right to give i have to pay for it some how...if i give some one certain relationship advice, i have to then go thru that situation personally.
someone at work confides in me that the job is too much...that they need a chill pill to help the day work...guess what happens? i get the job i currently have and hello, welcome to the land of chill. my mother would be so proud of me : )
let me back up a bit. so the good ole j.o.b. is great for literary comparisons. i look at the book atlas shrugged: a book based on the notion of the common worker...how and why they should work, how a boss should honor that and why...how a good business runs a business and how one work ethic based off of lazy good for nothings crashes and burns. my job defininitely draws comparisons to the hell ayn rand's writes about and today was just bad boo boo.
without boring you or bitching about something ya really don't give a hoot about i'll say i was pushed up against the crazy wall and i started bawling ridiculously at work...not from sadness or wimpiness but out of pure exhausted frustration and confusion...helplessness. i could see that i had something to look forward to...i'm searching for a better 9 to 5 and that's great news...(i try not to complain unless i have action to sugar coat it) but the whole exhausted thing sent me flying over the coo coo nest anyways.
i'm fine now. as soon as tomorrow's morning is over and done with i'm good for a while (i hope).
on to better, more random things! my car was seriously turning hoopty mobile on me. the headlining started falling apart and swoopin' down on top of my head. i'd be driving with the windows down and almost pass out from fright thinking someone was patting me on the head...cuz you never know--a mass murderer/rapist might just want to pet my curls before cutting me...ya never know!
d hooked me up with this great dude that is heck-o-cheap and did it in a day's time! now THAT'S what i'm talking about! even washed the dang thing inside and out. almost brought a tear to my eye..especially since i haven't washed the beast in months...i kid you not...months. it was 3 eyebrow wax appointments ago...maybe 4. there's just something about a clean car...oil's been changed, tires plumped, cleaned and waxed...sigh. i just feel better about life for some reason. i've decided when i win the $250,000 that i know is coming my way i won't buy a new car until kzx falls apart on me worse than a lauryn hill breakdown.
that's all i have for today folks. chill pills prohibit deep and angst ridden thoughts that lead to witty, clever and sometimes funny posts. i'm just a boring chick tonight, searching for jobs, doing some laundry and possibly reading something...
and breath out.
looking at the activities as one big lump is not something i've made a habit of doing and so sitting on the beaches of santa monica last night felt like the perfect time to do just that. my big theory? being single has helped me grow like i don't even know what. i still have hope that one day i meet someone that i can still continue to thrive with (learn and be new things) but for the moment i'm pretty darn happy with the cool things that have come my way and the interesting moves i've made.
i heard about this cool light art festival on npr so i hollered at my darling friend e and asked her to go with. it was amazing. there were art pieces scattered along the beach near the santa monica pier...beauty that you can't help but ponder. it stirred emotions...in ways that people have always told me art should but somehow was never able to. i took a gang of pictures without a flash so sorry for the blurs but something about keeping the purity of that beautiful dance of lights spoke to me.
there was music everywhere. there was a HUGE rave of sorts on the actual pier with thousands of people grooving and bopping to the beats...pretty lights, the best kind of hippie incense aromas, funnel cakes, chai tea lattes...my body is sore and i swear it's because i was under some sort of spell...it was a full moon so the grunion even got in on the action...people were lined up along the shore watching them flip about and mate lol...it was all so new for me...unlike anything i've ever experienced before. if you have the opportunity to go next year you really should. 7pm to 7am....kid you not.
...so basically it was a good night for thought. i take these amazing chances when i'm free to create my own entertainment...i'm not paranoid or self conscious that another person may not enjoy what i've brought to the table...i just do and learn as i go. that's what up. an ex of mine was trying to get me to go to vegas for a day to hang...we ended up in a huge fight that left me looking crazy and him probably feeling whatever. as i walked along the beach, slinging sand in between my strides i thought about how different i would have felt if i would have just gotten on that plane. i would have been flippin lonely, ashamed, bored, confused...there's a reason exes are exes. instead i stayed in my world...and i glowed :)
e joins me
i waited in line for an hour at this poetry art exhibit. you flash a light out to a sailboat and they ring back to shore, you pick up the phone and listen to a poem. would have been great if my poem wouldn't have been so flippin weird.
a night of light
one of the many pieces...rows and rows of lights in the sand for you to walk in and out of.
So yeah. I’ve been an internal twit all week (meaning I’ve kept to myself and done a lot of thinking). I think this weekend will be no different. I plan to do a spa thing with two girlfriends from work, get an oil change, go to this beautiful festival that will hopefully help me chill and mellow into something peaceful and possibly buckle under the pressure and see “dark knight”. This all seems so lovely and fulfilling…the perfect stuff to do on a weekend but I’ve been miss apathetic. Maybe this is the aftermath of successful playboy partying eh? lol
I’ve been in a nasty spirit though so that could have something to do with it. to prove this I share with you something I wrote to my girl j this morning:
i hate men! I hate them all and I just want them all to leave me alone. I wish I had a block on my phone that was testosterone sensitive. Then I’d have a message that they would receive, “good afternoon male. You have been rejected by tish. She hates the smell of your testosterone ridden drama she knows is eventually gonna come into the mix and she ain’t having it. just stay the heck away. back off you wanker!”
this may seem a bit harsh and volatile to some but it made me feel so much better once I got it out of my system ; ) sometimes I just get really sick of the games between men and women and I choose to opt out. this time I opt out with some gusto.
No more joan of arc complex…no more self sacrificing “it’s ok if you burn me” mentality…where I picked that up I know not but bring on the weekend of peace before everything goes up in a blaze!
I’m sorry…I usually hate to discuss my views on dating…no one wants to read the rantings of a cynic but it’s really bad and stupid out here lol...seriously!
rewind to earlier today:
so i was a nervous ball of goo the entire day. could hardly eat...was wired like i don't even know what but thankfully i made it through and had enough sanity to drive to my neighborhood, pick up some stuff for the beauty process and then head over to b's house to primp and prod.
i spent an hour trying to get rid of tan lines with those self spray tanners...for all the ladies out there wondering if they work...wondering if there really is a perfect place over the rainbow...i'm sorry to tell ya but they suck. i had some gnarly brown goo everywhere so i scrapped that idea and went for the dark bare minerals. that ish worked like a charm. the nerve balls in my gut calmed down and i was able to do the dang thing after that.
b and i had a blast getting ready...crackin' jokes and discussing our hopes for the night. this was all about networking for me and by golly did i do it! i'm proud of myself actually!
so we get to the place where the shuttle takes you and the butterflies came...in no time we were rounding the curve and looking smack dab at the mansion and the rest of the night was an awesome blur of fun. the place is smaller than what i thought...it looks like this huge sprawling land on tv...not so much but come on...is anything on tv NOT a disappointment in person?
so there's tons of great food, we grub on sushi, beef, chocolate covered strawberries, veggie chili and drink yummy cocktails the bar tender referred to as "the playboy martini"...it was all good but i saw tons of celebs that were skinny as heck so i wasn't grubbin like my usual self. lol...i fell prey to the pressure.
i can't even list all the cool peeps we saw BUT we did ride the shuttle with the guy from fantastic four (the human torch). he's much shorter than i expected...AND we chilled in a V.I.P. area with the cutie from "never been kissed"...i suck at names so just hang with me here...he was the main guy character/teacher.
anyways the first guy to approach ended up being really cool. he does stuff in the entertainment industry so we jibber jabbered for awhile. we're supposed to do lunch some time soon : ) midwestern gentle soul...gotta love 'em. he's got some great connects...after meeting him i was on cloud nine. (career wise)
then we met a chef from a pretty fancy schmancy restaurant here in la but he was a bit inebriated and almost caused me to fall in the pool that leads to the grotto (where jerpies and instant pregnancy occur) so he was a no no but then this awesome athlete (no names yo) came up and started talking to me...i mentioned where i was from and since he's from around the same area (shout out to the midwest again!) he gave me the lovely nickname "hometown" and has vowed to help me with my career. introductions work for me!!!
i felt pretty good about my networking abilities at that point. i'm including some photos of me and some folks, one was a sweetheart playboy bunny/painted chick that pulled me aside to tell me i was pretty : ) when a girl who's so perfect she can be painted tells ya you're swell it makes ya glow a bit...la has definitely gotten to me lol
all in all it was a blast...met a lot of phenomenal athletes (espy's remember) and hung with some great gals. i felt like the naughty cinderella in the room lol. at the stroke of midnight we left (seriously did) and that was that. no hugh...kendra (the sporty girlfriend was there) but that was it.
the end : )
vip bracelets were our friend
one of the bunnies...i had to airbrush a bit...
c & b
the outside of the grotto...
THE marcus allen! go chiefs!
the closest these two ladies would get to the grotto's water
blue gals in the blue vip
even the zoo animals get frisky
more pics to come!!!
I just love this couple I’m visiting. They’re always up for a fun time and they’re just interesting as all get out. I love well-rounded folks that can shoot the ish about politics and then discuss how whack flavor flav really is. PLUS they’re so not that annoying married couple that is either a.) always trying to find your soul mate for you or b.) bragging about how swell marriage is in a way that makes you feel like a silly arse. All my true friends that are married are this way (I think it’s a requirement I unconsciously looked for when I was young and choosing friends) but it still feels good to point their great qualities out.
They recently celebrated their 3 year anniversary so me being the chick that loves to give a good gift I researched what you get for a third year and found a goody.
Just in case the heifa reads my blog today I can’t divulge that privy information but it’s good. : ) I patted myself on the back for that one. I’ll be walking on the plane with a big pretty blue bag…That’s the only hint she gets!!!
We plan to hit an art fair tomorrow which always makes for a Tish-tastic weekend. Creativity manifested…ahhh I love it.
So yeah… it may take a bit of coffee today to keep away the zzz’s but it’s worth it. I heart traveling, friends, art and life in general. When you take the time to celebrate what you DO have in your life as opposed to what may be missing things just start to flow.
Time to flow into work ; )
I know it’s cheesy but I teared up a bit. There’s something inspiring about a tiny little thing conquering something as great as the ocean. Lets all apply this to tishy and her great big hopes and dreams of one day being in a stupendous film.
Now you see why I teared? Inspiration comes in all forms and colors…not surprising something green helped me along my way.
A buddy of mine was yapping with me yesterday about how I’m finally just now starting to utilize the city and try to make connections (tiny ones but goodies) and after the conversation I just had with my girl E I’d have to say the steps are getting crazier and crazier.
I will be attending a playboy mansion party soon where I can network to my little heart’s content. If you have good ways in which I can casually tell entertainment hotshots to make my dreams come true let me know. I’m open to all suggestions. : )
and I thought my blog didn’t offer any new and juicy material... Mwahahahaha
it’s so cool. I’m giddy with anticipation. I’ve got b eating egg whites chanting “playboy mansion body” over and over (she’s my date for the event) and I’m saying no to processed sugar for the rest of the week and weekend…this is HUGE considering I’m about to go to sacramento this weekend to visit my play sis and her hubby. We always eat the best yummy but naughty foods. Sigh…behave tishy. it's worth it though...
Bunnies could be the way to turtle nirvana!!!
So I found out I was accepted into the film festival while simultaneously listening to my ipod (I know only the really talented could do such a thing which is why I wrote it) when“pretty woman” came on the shuffle. : )
Is that some sort of lovely divine sign? A little Julia Roberts memorabilia…some Thing telling me I’m on a kickin awesome good path? I think so.
I’m on cloud nine…and will be celebrating by watching good yummy flick (waitress) and making some unbelievable turkey burgers with my boy d. sigh…this is the good life! I really hope something substantially great and important comes from all of this. I submitted resumes, applications…interviewed for this stuff knowing it could change the direction of my life. how I hope that is the case!
More profoundness? Is it possible?
Why yes it is. I’ve decided to cleanse my boy karma closet out a bit. Single boys and girls we are all guilty of keeping folks around to talk to when the pangs of lonely hit and the ben & jerry’s phish food has run out…with a little help from this amazing article in the ny times I’ve decided I need to make room for the folks that make my soul glow (just let your soul glo!!!)
Any guy in my phone that doesn't serve a noble purpose is giong bye bye. NO FILLERS! So yeah...I'd say goes down as a perdy good day. Turkey burger patties are cooling in the fridge, "waitress" is on the boob tube and the cell phone is a bit changed. ahhhhh......
i just had the BEST 4th of july weekend ever. i don't think i ever really knew just how crazy beach living was...i needed a totally wicked cool cousin to show me the good life lol.
so cold and all i packed up my little suitcase and headed for the beach on thursday evening. i had this buzz of good energy the whole way down...obviously a bit of foreshadowing for the weekend to come. my cuz shell is the best free spirit. she's so chill and fun so of course we hugged and all that, then immediately headed for the liquor store lol. picked up some stuff and then headed back to her house for a party that lasted until 5 in the flippin morning...i haven't done that ish since a couple of vegas trips ago. it was madness but so much fun. we woke up 4th of july morning with just a minor hang over, had bananas and toast and then grabbed bikes (shell let me ride her green kiwi bike--utter joy for me) and headed down to newport for endless parties that seriously were like mardi gras with bikinis. even better...i fit into shelly's dang skimpy shorts...for anyone that knows my darling cousin she's a flippin size zero... incentive for more working out!
so the bike ride down was hilarious. all of shell's gang are beach bums so they're used to riding bikes and skateboards...they all bodies like gods so they were taking the hills and so forth like G's but i was huffin and puffin lol...blamed the cold but deep down i knew better. 8 miles later we reached newport and partied like it was 1999...the house we were at had a dj spinnin common and other yummy hip hop, there was a sushi bar with this dude created yummy crap that had me grubbin like i dont even know what. i had this sushi cocktail thing with squid and ginger and seawood that was so yummy i think my eyes rolled back at one point. we met some hilariously wasted folks that made for good stories later and i even found a twin in the midst of a thousand skinny arse tanned chicks with juicy on the butt bikinis. (pictures will follow as soon as i talk to shell's friend who was snappin for us that day)
we stayed for 5 or so hours and then headed back to huntington to shell's lovely abode by the ocean for some more drinking and grubbin by a campfire...i smelled like fire...i love that smell. watched dave chappell and called it a night.
yesterday we layed out, enjoyed the ocean breeze...i was loving my life. i love the feeling of being free and up for whatever. as i sat there in the sun i realized i love the beach, i love how chill it all is but it's not for me lol. i realize now more than ever that it's a vacation thing...a place for escape but i would never get anything done...never keep my identity in a place so fluid...something about being that close to the ocean maybe lol...the ocean beckons for folks to be more like it...
i will definitely be spending more time with the cousin-inator but i was happy this morning driving up the 405 and seeing the getty to my left, my cute little neighborhood and even my desk stacked with my responsibilities left behind last thursday.
nothing like a great weekend that just confirms you've created a life that is comfortable and right for you.
guy slams my car and jolts my pee pee--this is an easy one. he didn't even leave a scratch on the car...not one bump. i laughed and put my hand high in the air for him to high five me. he looked bewildered as all get out...probably thought i was trippin on something but what ev. i totally eased that man's stress...why yell and holler if everyone (including my lovely kizzix) is dandy?
i yelled at a chick at work--the endorphins realized were good lol? bad tishy bad...if i'm gonna spin this one positive i'd have to say she knew she had hit a sensitve button and came up when i was leaving and gave me a hug..sick and all. forgiving and making up with folks is swell.
the cold--it gives me an excuse to chomp on ginger-a flavor i'm addicted to like you wouldn't believe and it seems to be working...i'm kickin this cold in record timing!
so yeah...i spin webs of lovely yo!
i'm about to take my arse to bed for a couple of hours, recharge my batteries and then head down to the beach to spend the weekend with my cuz and her peoples. i can see nothing better than spending the 4th in the sand...it just doesn't get much better than that.
whether you're single and anxious to mingle or already have a boo the 4th is the perfect time to see magic.
my gram wrote this for me in an email this morning. it's gestures like this that make the world a better place for me...and help fuel this surge of positivity i have going for me right now:
"I think that I will never see, a poem as lovely as a tree; a tree that lifts it's arms to pray......; for poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree." I feel really good inside, with a hugh abundance of pride; for someone who I love so dear, who's far away but yet so near; she's got that "something" that it takes, to make it big in another state; her beautiful smile is truly contagious, and her positive thinking mode? A plus indeed and it shows; a precious soul that God saw fit, to grace us with and make us stronger, happy, and savy; and if she holds on to her faith, she'll reap the laurels that await her; her dreams, prayers? Will all come true for God's promises are strong and true and he makes sure that the rewards are the best for you; and that someone who I love so dear? Her name is LaTisha, let me make that clear; love ya' sweetie, Gramma Marlene
As I type this I keep looking down at the cute kiddy jayhawk tattoo that refuses to wash off of my right hand and none of it makes sense. LoL
How can I be so all over the place (which to me is synonymous with being a kidult) and so grown at the same time? maybe this is where my mistakes come in…maybe if I had a better definition of what it means to be an adult I’d actually do it…right. : )
For the moment the only thing I’m interested in being is someone this quote applies to:
May you turn stone, my daughter, into silk.
May you make men better than they are.
Isn’t it just lovely?
I caught a cold yesterday…I was sitting at work and that nasty blah tired feeling started creepin’ in slowly. It’s trying to kick my arse today but that dang quote is imbedded in my brain. I just love the idea of being an agent for better… Might have to put that on hold until after I start functioning in society again though. hard to leave a trail of sunshine when my life force only has one bar flashing.
I guess I’ve never been a fan of the generic ‘adult’ terms so maybe I’ll treat adulthood like I do everything else…just take the parts I like and create my own persona of age. Who knows…
I plan to pay rent and possibly work in an episode of a new fav cartoon this evening. maybe questioning why we have to fit in an adult-size box is my “better” contribution today. who knows…