a place where heart beats quick and slow
where tears fall easy and memories go
a place in time i'll always know
tomorrow is my father's birthday. he would have been 49. i've given explanation after explanation this week as to why i've been so out of it and emotional but the plain hard core fact of the matter is there's no escaping the 28th. 364 days of the year i can talk about the man casually, ease a stranger's discomfort once they've learned he's passed but no matter how hard i try...no matter that it's been 18 years...the tears always seem to find me...the memories of the day i found out always come back fresh and new; a little girl curled up in a ball leaning against her bedroom door...trying to keep her world from falling down around her...it's as if it was yesterday.
i don't believe i've ever discussed my feelings about my dad in quite this way. i don't know if i've ever had the words to describe what it's like to lose a dad.
i live in two worlds...reality and the mythic one where some family tell me stories of the great man that once upon a time lived and others act like he never existed at all (a ghost story to amuse the little one)
...somehow i've managed to keep the two worlds from meeting; never really placing my dad in reality. he's remained so personally cerebral and publicly foreign...sometimes i feel like nothing's real because i lost him. there's just something unnatural about telling stories about someone as important as a father and never being able to back it all up with an actual person. in college i became fascinated with stories of creationism; fatherless folks existing in the world, products of the stars in the sky and so on and so on. i could relate to that sort of magical beginning.
the older i get the more introspective and rational i become though. my dad--the stories that keep him alive in me and for me --don't enjoy staying in a nice neat area of my heart anymore.
there's a reason i test men to see if they're capable of withstanding the hard times...why i'm scared to think someone else could leave...why i cry in movies featuring dads and daughters, why the idea of a wedding hurts me and why i have such a hard time keeping the tears at bay at night, most especially the nights surrounding the day of his birth. i think about him all the time. i never tell people this. i have one picture of him, a tiny ceramic bunny and a handful of memories i've made mountains of stories out of.
i can't usually write about him so please forgive this huge chunk of writing i have going on. something about this time just unleashed something in me i had to write. for a manic moment i felt like if i just kept writing something would happen and i'd finally feel like i'd filled the hole. one last attempt at making the weird empty feeling i have in me disappear: i realize it's time to go there. i have to sit here and cry. i do this sometimes...it's never one thing that sets me off. i wonder if it'll ever stop or if i'll be an old woman still crying for a daddy she never really knew. i get scared...i share everything in my life (as you all are so keenly aware) but this is something i cant really open up about in a substantial way... for friends' sanity i've decided to take a stab at it . a little insight never hurt anyone. i feel even more lost when i try to open up about him to friends and they breeze over it. i related to the bachelorette and one of the guys on the show when they started discussing losing a parent. it does mean something big when someone sits down with you and says "tell me about your father and how do you feel about him today"
none of this makes sense and it will continue not to. usually i go back in and edit huge chunks out so you all don't bleed from the eyeballs but i can't even scroll to the top and reread what i've written. for once stream of consciousness just has to work for ya. writing helped me calm down some but the sadness still resides. maybe in the morning this will all make more sense and i'll finally get on a path to dealing with this stuff in a more affective way. who knows.
alright. i'm exhausted. goodnight.
there's nothing i crave more than my quiet times with me, myself and i.
miles' "kind of blue" plays on my radio in the bathroom, soy chocolate milk in hand and one of my favorite reads (my o magazine) are creating a cocktail of tishy love tonight i tell ya! some nights i'm just bad as i wanna be.
this kinda night was needed...
once again i caught myself checking out...it all came to a head this morning when i realized i was so busy at work i had forgotten to eat breakfast. um...i never forget to eat. in fact i always scratch my head and secretly affirm that women who say such nonsense are fibbin fools but low and behold i did...no fibbin fool here!
at that point in time i decided i would finish work and go straight home, straight to my bedroom, straight to my couch to curl up with some good reading and just melt into me and that's just what i've been doing. i read some interesting stuff i had to break and share.
so the idea of becoming more than what you currently are: how lovely and rich is that?! my gram quoted a taoist in her daily email this morning, "when the shoe fits we forget about the feet". the woman just jabs me with bits of wisdom each day! having a little discomfort in our lives does keep us focused on the important things that matter most (which is what i took from that quote)...and in the process (if we're lucky) we grow...becoming more than we were before. that's a beautiful thought.
all my trials and tribulations have a grand purpose...my consistent teachers if you will. all these little lessons that pop up rescue me in the most bittersweet kind of ways...
i'm dealing with raging emotions, a rain-checked date and a nagging fear that the new duvet i've ordered isn't gonna allow me to stuff it with my current comforter. these things normally, while possibly small potatoes to some of you, would leave me ranting like a banshee but something about learning something new from a book and the feeling that miles' is blowing that horn just for me keeps the blues at bay.
who knows how the weekend will develop...it's starting out pretty darn interesting.
thank you GOD for my last job last week. it felt good to say "last monday i did this and this"...he seemed pleased with my answer, said he could tell immediately i wasn't from la (i'm taking that as a compliment) and that he was really excited to work with me and get me to realize my full potential and help me network. i sat there patiently nodding and smiling but my insides were screaming hallelujah lol...his right hand woman was behind him agreeing with the bit so hopefully he means what he says and just isn't trying to gas me up so i work like kunta for him come festival time :)
you know it's good to encounter people that see that something in you...especially in my line of work. i might be running around like a crazy woman...bumping into ex boyfriends and such that i know will be there to actually attend the darn thing (not necessarily working it like me) but i don't care. like i told the director and his assistant i'm coming to this project with the utmost of humility. i want to learn the industry...figure out how to work all of this crazy jigsaw until my pieces start to fit and i create a pretty picture all my own : )
you know i don't mind all this...working hard towards my dreams doesn't feel like work at all. i'm gonna make it and all of this hard stuff will just make my story all the more interesting.
i just watched the bachelorette (could not help myself...) and once again i've had my crack fix. that show is seriously addicting as heck. i think she's the frickin smartest bachelorette in the world...she makes some hard decisions that embarrassingly enough left me in tears tonight but man can she make the right decisions for herself...it's uncanny.
Why is it that when I want the woman to chop me she cuts half an inch…and when I say I’m actually digging long hair she gets scissor happy? Is it that hot outside? Was she empathizing with me to the point where she just couldn’t take the hot mess on my head? I know not but I def won’t need a hair cut for a year or so…grrr
Cha cha cha chia!
I was able to switch up the gnarly attitude though. Friday night my roommate was celebrating her birfday at a spa down off of los feliz and we had a zen-rockin’ good time. I got a massage that left me feelin’ better than the Buddha and then after that we floated on over to a bar across the street that served a mean girl scout cookie thin mint martini and roasted marshmallow martini…I got freebie drinks because I manned up and got rid of a beetle bug that had the girls in a frenzy so it was a pretty funtabulous night.
And it just kept gettin’ better. Saturday I went to that movie in the cemetery thing I mentioned before and had a blast with my girl e and her buds from work. we had a cute picnic, played some uno, drank a couple or more bottles of wine lol…I have to say as soon as the sun went down it got pretty dang close to perfection…at one point I sat there looking up at the stars between the palm trees and thought to myself, “this is what heaven is made of”. It was the perfect night…I’ve never felt so happy being young single and free.
Sunday me and the don hung out…went shopping in camarillo. I finally have new running shoes and work out clothes! I start back in the gym tomorrow…I miss running. It was a HUGE part of my life for years…time to get back my door to sanity.
All in all I felt ok coming back to work today. I felt like I got the most out of my weekend…can’t ask for anything more.
Tonight I’m going to a meeting to be a volunteer for the black film festival that will be here come August. Crazy that there are so many hoops to jump thru but my calendars lookin sparce lol…I’ve got the time. Hopefully I can make some great connections in the industry by doing this : )
I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides...
Some would call a girl like me an endless wanderer…
I’ve never really been drawn to a place, desperate to live in a certain area…
Never had a dream place I’d retire to or some city I had to see before I died
And that especially goes for LA.
I moved to this place and everyone wanted to know if I loved it…if I had made it my own, what I would do for fun and the honest truth is I’ve pretty much done the same things here that I could have easily done in Kansas City (With the exception of the handful of times i've gone to the beach) and I’ve been cool with that but this week something changed a bit.
My girl e called and asked if I was down for watching a movie in the cemetery with her and some folks this Saturday night. (it’s not as creepy as you’re sitting there thinking)
I don’t know…there’s just something really endearing and lovely about watching old hollywood greats amidst the palm trees…chillin out with some wine and good peeps…I’m leaving out the graves part but that doesn’t bother me too much either lol call me a princess of darkness.
I’m on this new kick of independence so all of these little la mini adventures are just what the doctor ordered.
i blog just about every day so when the blogless days start piling up ya know something's up with me. i've been feeling out of sorts lately. for some reason i just couldn't connect with people...couldn't feel their vibes out, etc...just couldn't connect and so it was starting to bleed into my acting work. it sounds confusing maybe but i lost my instinct for how someone would react to a scene. i've had some craptastic things come my way and so i've numbed myself to the point of zombie--it was no bueno for my acting career.
the self doubt was relentlessly egged on by outside noise too. i was just letting it all soak in...totally believing it and feeling like maybe it was time to pack up and move it on out..find a new dream.
then i got a random lovely call from this guy asking me to read and things started looking up. the rehearsal today was boo boo...lol the director focused a lot of critiques my way and it was like all the negative stuff from before just started swimming around in my head. it got to the point where i had to sit down and write out in my script "you're loved. be gentle with yourself." i got some encouraging words from an old friend and really thought about using the gift God gave me to create characters people could love...after that i was on fire!
i got out there and performed my heart out...i flubbed one line but other than that i was in the zone...i just did the dang thing!
after, the writer came up to me and said he would really like my information which is the best kinda compliment i can think of. all in all it was a great moment for me and my spirit...my spirit definitely needed a pick me up...sigh. more than ya know! i know i have the chops to do this lol. i mean i'm elated over a performance that i wasn't paid for nor is it something that will put me on the red carpet anytime soon...it was something though...and it created something and made me feel something so it's something : )
i'm bummed none of my friends showed up (not one) but even that can't phase me...that situation can't affect the feelings of accomplishment. does a tree act in the woods if no one's around? you're damn skippy she does!
i got that lovely little quote from watching oprah (the guru of everything perfect & lovely in the world)
i will admit i was a mess yesterday after finding out that news. i just wanted to crawl up in a ball and never unbend BUT i keep hearing all of these messages about not giving up, believing in yourself...it's hard to bounce back right at the moment you're finding out crushing news but stick with me kids...i keep going. sometimes i keep going because i have a fire that's raging me on; other times it's because i don't know anything else...i just float. whether it's willingly or not though i keep going.
sigh...i think i just need one more good cry of uncertainty...really feel that dang fear and then just start going again...just do it anyway.
a great big swell beer company saw my cute little profile and decided they wanted me to do their next campaign. only problem...i have to bring my passport to them tomorrow morning so that they can buy my ticket to mexico city the same day.
i don't have a passport. tried to get one months ago but my mom was stallin' on finding my birth certificate and silly tishy forgot about it.
so no big modeling job. no traveling. no ginormous amout of cash. no experience that i desperately needed.
is anyone else hurting as bad as i am right now? this is worse than a break up. i'm not moving from my bed this whole weekend. sigh...
why does it never work out?
it's been a while (at least according to t standards) since i last wrote but i'm still so full of 'home' i just don't know where to begin.
i definitely had a great time. i mean my time was filled with grams, nieces and nephews, godchildren, moms and dads, best friends and places that still have the ability to haunt me with old butterflies. (i was proposed to here, walked thru the park there, figured out why my best friend is my best friend there...) i kept having moment after moment. if i wouldn't have been so happy to see it all and consume every bit of it i probably would have bawled like a baby.
it's great having tangible places that produce instant history. it's a bit dangerous though which is why i haven't written about it all until now. my mom and i had a great conversation about balancing the beautiful task of honoring and remembering your past while still embracing the act of being present in the now and anticipating the stuff ahead.
i used to resent the fact that i had to move and uproot my life but i've learned to approach it in a more humble and open way. everything happens for a reason they say...moving has taught me to love every minute i get with my fam and friends. life's better when you just accept that life is as life should be :)