the prodigal daughter returns

5.28.2008

I know I shouldn’t label things perfect but, mishaps included, my time away from la is heaven…especially when the time away involves a certain red headed best friend, mo (the mom) and the rest of my family and friends that I anticipate stalking the minute I get home.


Home…


Funny that I’ve lived in los angeles for almost three years now (!!!) and still refer to the Midwest as home. I think it’s less to do with geography and more to do with the way I feel when I’m around the people that know me best. My crowning moments all happened back there and I’ve become quite the nostalgic ninny.


Yesterday the affects of perfection hit me. I’ve been playing positive Pollyanna for a couple of days now…helping a friend at work reconnect with her husband of 20 years (I played a Cyrano de Bergerac of sorts) she came in today beaming…I haven’t seen the woman smile like that in years. I treated myself to a date last night that has one of my guy friends thinking I’ve finally lost it and I accepted another date (not with myself this time) with an interesting guy I met over the weekend.


I don’t know…it just seems like when something perfect comes along its good stuff just bleeds out onto everything around you.


Once I land i’m never gonna stop. I’m seeing college buds, best buds, one of my sisters, my great grandmothers (yes that’s plural), my grammie and a whole slew of other folks that I love dearly. i’m bringing home b so she’s gonna join me and my girl j down on the plaza for some sx and the city watching. I’m having lunch with my favorite little godchildren and then I’m heading to Springfield to hang with the parents…get some grillin in…brisket, veggies and pie oh my! And just exist in the only kind of perfection I’ve ever known and loved.


I don’t know why but this is the trip that feels most like the prodigal daughter coming home. I’ve made some interesting boo boo’s out here in la…dealt with some nasty harshness and come out on top, a little stronger and wiser but I still feel like I need to go home and wash it all off—stand before my friends and family completely stripped of the city and see if they still believe I’ve got this (this being the chops to stay on the path I’ve chosen in life).


It’s time to go home…

pics from the day

5.26.2008


perspective



heaven



behind the camera



angels peaking thru



luz




spots mean spirits i've heard. looks like i have two angels













every time i see this type of tree my heart swells




my new playground







video

my reading soundtrack

a day in the park

today was the perfect kind of day. for some reason i'd rather not worry about my acting career. i could care less about my cube and day job. the only thing that went thru my head this morning was a nagging need for coffee (which i promptly made) and some sex and the city watching. with the movie coming out next friday it's fun to revisit those lovely story lines and sit with some of the best cheeky writing ever before written for a show.

sometimes a gal just needs a little indulgence what can i say. two episodes did the trick and then i was off to the next spoil of the day...reading :)

it felt good to see the sun (it's been hiding for days), roll the windows down in the good ole car and drive down ventura in search of a barnes and noble. i got the last copy of _pillars of the earth_ and set out for the good town of burbank to read and relax. a couple of months ago i stumbled upon this enchanting little park so i went, put down a little blanket, read for a couple of hours and took some pics in between. it was really nice. if i wasn't such a spaz about someone jackin' my ish i would have napped it felt so good out there.

it was peaceful and sweet. hardly anyone was around...a couple of dog walkers from time to time and two odd boys setting up to play a very short field game of soccer (?). i just sat and smiled, smiled and sat, read to my little heart's content, legs crossed in the air, flamingo pink socks blaring--not a care in the world.

at one point of the book i started bawling my eyes out and since tissue was sadly left off my list of stuff to bring i decided it was time to pack up and go. i had about 4 hours of bliss...that's my kinda day.

i can't tell you the last time i faded away in a book...even more faint is the memory of me just chillin in nature without a care in the world.

moments like that are good for a consistent worry wart. i have a clear head and an insatiable appetite to devour this dang book i've picked up. now that i'm home thoughts of tomorrow are starting to pop up but hopefully not for long. i plan to watch some 80's movie my roommate promises will be a hoot and pour a glass of wine. this has been one of the best days this year my friends. just what the sanity doctor ordered. if a gal needs to get away from the hustle and flow of zombie life, a day in the park is definitely the right ticket to grab!


when a shero returns

5.24.2008
forgive me for my walk down memory lane but i loved to read as a kid. next to watching movies, it was the bestest thing in the whole wide world.

recently i came across the movie " anne of green gables" in my netflix recommendations and i about had a fit of glee. the frickin movie was a HUGE thing for me as a kid. i got all the books one summer and devoured them. anne with an e was my all time shero. i loved her imagination, her gumption and definitely her noggin. she was smart and opinionated and i wanted to be just like her when i grew up. my love ran deep so you can imagine the tears i just shed re-watching this flick tonight. i don't even know how to describe how much those books meant to me. no matter where i went or what i did i would take the idea of anne with me. she was this amazing girl.

it reminded me of the kid i used to be. beyond the definition of a pisces, i rocked the imagination factor and had these amazing goals completely void of shallow girlie aspirations (i.e. being a cheesy princess who never in a million years could win a scholarship to college). looking back it was magic and it's helped me to put the present into some much needed focus. heck, i still want to be like anne.

the woman was forever the student, a loyal friend, charismatic (she had the ability to turn even the hardest hearts soft) and more importantly successful. whatever she put her mind to she did. she gave me the most amazing stories. i loved that summer of reading and i love that girl i was.

i've been in a funk that just wouldn't make sense to the girl i was. i basically bought in to the typical girlie aspirations i never cared for back in the day. it seriously blows my mind that something that once consumed my thoughts seems suddenly so silly and trite.

with that being said it's time to be an even better friend to those in my life. it's time to pick back up some books and remember that feeding my imagination is necessary for a fish like me and most importantly remember the little girl who loved to sit in her backyard playhouse her daddy built and read her books. it's time to stick to that little girl's motto that anything's possible once you put your mind to it.

when a shero returns all is right with the world.

"fren" (fruit men)

5.21.2008
If I picked fruit like I picked men…I’d be a sick sick puppy.
It’d be like me going for the banana that’s half brown thinking I could save the poor thing. I’d embrace the mentality that I’m up for the challenge of dealing with an experienced shelfer.
Or pick the hard as a rock mango because I figure if I keep it around long enough it’ll soften up.
Don’t you just love analogies?
Back to men as men, not fruit: I realize I’ve gotten lucky quite a few times. My stubborn and some times cowardly moves have kept me out of the clutches of some serial cheaters, liars, Debbie downers, secret baby daddies and the slow kind of commitment phobes that don’t enlighten you with their true selves until you’re chillin at their door ready to move in.
But I can’t stay lucky forever. I think it’s time to start pickin fruit the right way. No more belly aches or sour faces. : )
After reading a cnn headline ‘woman is killed for being single’ a gal starts to ponder man…

defining weird...but in a good way

5.20.2008

When one writes a blog they must first ask the all-important question, “what will be the purpose of this darn thing?”.


My purpose all along was to report back to middle earth and give my darling friends the 411 on life out in la la land.


While I’ve stuck to this nicely, reporting almost daily, I’ve felt guilty. An average joe’s life can get quite boring and tedious. The average struggling actress’ life can get quite depressing and morose. Even worse when I learn to creatively write about all of these boo boo emotions…like that makes it more enjoyable to read.

With that being said, I’m taking a break on reporting the mundane. (I got up. I went to work, I spoke to my agent, blah blah blah).


Instead I’ll tell you about a little thing I play called the ‘dictionary game’. It’s snazzy good fun. Basically when I’m feeling like I need answers and/or entertainment because I’ve shacked up and married boredom I break open the dictionary and while I’m blindly thumbing the pages I think of something I need defined whether it be my acting career in 2008 (I pointed to the word ‘evening’—the latter part of the day and early part of the night) or my dating life (‘late’—occurring, coming or being after the usual proper time). lol…it all makes perfect sense and keeps me giggling or groaning for hours. I mean analyzing the words you pick up is fantastic…basically my acting career will shake up in a good way come the end of ’08 and I shouldn’t hold my breath waiting on dating to pick up or get interesting for quite some time.


It’s totally trippy. Once when I asked the all-knowing dictionary to define me (this was pre-los angeles) I picked the word ‘la la land’. I kid you not. it’s uncanny I say!

Between that and tape recording friends’ conversations and then playing them back in chipmunk voices I guess you could say I’m a little off but that’s what makes reading this darn thing ok, right?!


Right!

better

5.17.2008
i love it when the tides turn. sorry this will be a bit long. hang with me.

so this week was no good...the rose colored glasses just weren't doing their job and i just couldn't get out of the funk...around 2 pm i knew i was destined for some wine... a big ole bottle of it. lucky for me, my girl e had invited me over for a game of catch up on the last two months and she likes the stuff too so yeah :)

we did it up which totally turned my whole frickin week around. we hit up ralphs and raided the deli...a little pasta and chicken grabbin never hurt anyone. then we headed back to burbank for some new kids on the block watching and some talky talky. there's something about
the way they've done up the place, the overall look and feel of her space...it's just made for sitting around and feeling good and feeling good i felt indeed.

i left e's place, blasting some colbie on my stereo and feeling like i had turned a new and better page.

this morning i woke up bright and early and went to my last table reading for that project i was helping with and it was so much fun. by this time everyone was comfortable with each other...we were cuttin' up, having fun, discussing where we all are in our acting careers, it was crazy helpful but i felt a little scattered. no matter where i turned as i sat at the table i could hear someone laying down some knowledge about acting...traveling and living abroad, seeing one of shakespeare's plays at the globe theater in london, what jobs to take if you're trying to make it, who's got an agent, who's got a manager, who's lost...

i kept thinking "get their information tish. ask questions!"...which i did thank goodness. i met some amazing actors that seriously felt like new fam...no one was competing...no one was holding back. constructive criticism all around. the writer that had the screenplay i auditioned to read for told me that he liked having me around--he thought i brought the characters to life. compliment! it all felt so good. someone just told me i should surround myself with other people in the industry. talk about great timing. it felt so good to do something...you have no idea.

i'm still a bit frustrated with my career but i feel like i'm in a space that promotes action and that's better than nothing.

a woman approached me today and asked if i could help her feed her two small children that were holding her hands. i felt horrible that i didn't have that much cash on me but i gave her what i could and now i can't get her out of my head. i went back later to take her some food but she wasn't there...it's moments like that which remind me that i need to stop complaining so much and get some much needed perspective. really.

i'm not saying i'm cured of my incessant worry and downtrodden mood swings but i'm taking it a little easier on myself today. this video helps...hee hee. enjoy






the life of a struggling actress

5.15.2008
life is bullying me lately.

yesterday i received a troubling phone call from a total hollywood type...reminding me i have an agent that does nothing for me (just in case i forgot what nothing looked like) and how i missed out on yet another season of pilot auditions.

today i woke up with a fire inside of me. i signed back up for actors access--this web site you post your head shot and agency info on (casting directors go to it and look for actors...you get the gist.) i researched theater troupes, i wrote my old acting coach and got some tips on how to get a manager to fall under my spell and scoop me up as a client, i emailed a girl i know who's a famous actor's personal assistant (her boss is represented by the manager i want.--kimberly elise's current manager). i researched improv workshops i'm going to take (i found one with a guy that was actually in the movie the guy i'm currently doing table reads with wrote.) i'm following the rabbit...it felt like a sign. i wrote the pasadena playhouse and asked them about upcoming non-equity plays, i wrote my modeling agent and asked about a deal or no deal modeling opportunity i should be put up for (at least in my opinion lol). i wrote my agent and asked him some theater questions about submitting ones' self...but alas all of this...i still feel like i'm not asking the right questions, putting the right things in my resume...auditioning for the right parts. auditioning period!!!

i don't know ya'll...i was sitting at lunch, clearly down on myself and a friend started telling me i just need to accept what is in front of me and stop trying to fight against it...the thing is, i don't feel like i'm doing anything required to break into the business. my biggest challenge to date is my own ignorance. i don't have a clue my friends. not one clue. i wish i could have gone to college and learned how to survive and maneuver thru the world of acting. how do you exist there? how do you get in? who's got the key?

i have a guy friend that jokes around about the casting couch but deep down all of that really hurts. this is an incredibly lonely, incredibly challenging, incredibly humbling life. maria shriver just did an interview in O magazine and she discussed how her career was her identity and what it felt like when she lost it. i was waiting for words to ease my self-discontent but they never came. the woman has lots of money and a good family name--her husband's always gonna be proud of her no matter what...duh.

i figure my new plan of attack is to try to find out new information every day and just keep asking people to take me...who knows...persistence never hurt anyone.

ugh. is all of this draining you as much as it drains me? sorry!!! i just have to get it out of me...i'm torn up enough inside without dumping in even more worrisome thoughts.

time to read some more eckhart tolle!!!

save the popcorn for a bit

5.14.2008
Not quite yet folks...

So I had a couple more readings (one more to go) and it turns out we're reading the scripts for three folks that won some screen writing competition...while it ain't ever over until the big boned lady sings this isn't a project that will lead to me kissing the grounds of my first movie set any time soon.

i was a bit sad once i figured out what was going down and honestly, going to this studio's office building, sitting in one of the table rooms with a bunch of other actors was the coolest thing ever! it's a blast sitting up in there and having fun with characters. we get to see creative minds working out things and hear their stories of how they got this far and all that jazz.

a sign's a sign, right?

one of the actors in the room said you're not supposed to tell people when you have an audition...it's supposed to be bad luck. i wonder if me blogging to the masses is a boo boo lol...i just can't help it though. i get so excited!

so yeah. don't pop the popcorn just yet. i'm meeting some interestingly cool people in the biz. this is only the beginning. : )

i saw the sign

5.11.2008
i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes i saw the sign...

isn't it a catchy tune? happens to be the current song stuck in my noggin which is fitting considering i just got a big ole sign to stick with the acting thing for a little while longer.

so i mentioned i had written a couple of folks and asked them about theater gigs and so forth. well one of the guys i wrote is a director out here in la la land. he just happened to write me back.

i woke up this morning, a bit groggy, turned on the tv and watched a bit of the dog whisperer (love it!) and decided i'd check my myspace to see if there were any signs of life out there. i popped open my messages and wigged the heck out. basically a guy friend/writer asked if i could get my ish together asap and meet him down at a film studio place because he was casting for a film. (8:45 a.m.) at 8:46 a.m. i was talking to him on the phone saying when and what time. by 8:50 a.m. i was out the door and in my car truckin it down the 101 :)

so i get there and flubbed the first reading i did...it was really physical and i was wiggin out but he let me go out and read for another part and i worked that mess and he told me to come back and stay all day monday reading :) this is my first. i have no idea what to expect...what this means...any of that mess but man it felt good to hear "see you again". ahhhh....

i don't want to give any spoilers right now but i'd play someone completely out of character for me. i was really trying to get in her mind and be her (based off of 10 minutes of studying my lines)...kept thinking of young boys that i could think of in a maternal way...turns out i thought of an ex that i always felt i had to protect and shaky tears started flowing...basically all that to say i'm exhausted from all the emotions i conjured up this morning.

this is crazy awesome! my sign came :) i'm thankful, i'm thankful, i'm thankful! i don't know what to say or how to act right now. i just know i want to work hard and i want to be so good that i do this opportunity the justice it deserves!

watch out for those signs! they pop out pretty darn quick sometimes.

V is very very extraordinary

5.10.2008
ahhhh....it's coming back. i can feel it. i lost it for a long time but i can feel it building back up.

i'm talking about that feeling i've always had since i was a kid that i'm on the right path. that making films is for me and i'm for making films. i just thought i'd share. :)

i've said in the past that movies are my fuel and it's true but tom cruise's interview on oprah was inspirational. (yes i said it. his pr folks did a fantastic job of keeping him calmly planted on the couch.) the man is celebrating 25 years in the business and therefore had actors from past films congratulating him and discussing the 'magic' that he brings to movies...how great he is to work with...how polite he is to everyone (as it frickin should be). i like hearing about folks that do what i do well and never forget how lucky they are...the WORST thing in the world is to hear about a diva or divo on set. even worse hearing someone ask me why i'm 'really' trying to go into acting "come on it's for the money and fame, right?".

last night i sat and prayed and asked for some kind of sign that i'm on the right path...that i'm not blind and stubborn and i'm still doing what i was meant to do and then i watched lars and the real girl and watched ryan gosling create magic on screen. i was so drawn to him...his acting was amazing. and there you have it. i think you're supposed to do the one thing in life that makes your heart skip a beat.
nothing else has ever been able to do that for me. i've encountered people doing really cool jobs that they love that are cool as heck but nothing ever sings quite as sweet.

i wrote some folks that i think will be able to give me some advice about theater and today after a momma's day brunch with my play mom (b's mommy) i plan to pick up some sides for a soap...yes you heard me right my friends (well sort of) i'm reading for a casting director at the young and the restless. (if i'm gonna be on the soap i want to speak i say!) and now i'll get to read lines that haven't been done before. i hate going into a reading and i'm reading lines that are from some insanely popular new sitcom...everyone knows the character and therefore tells me i'm doing it wrong...because i don't read it like a blonde?

it's new! new material yo! always better when someone has a character that needs life, more specifically your life. (wink)


Men wake up and smell the vera wang

5.07.2008
You know something’s been bothering me lately about the whole dating game and by george, after reading that bees are dying it’s more evident than ever that the birds and the bees…Men and women…we’re just not doing what we’re naturally supposed to be doing lately and that’s successful dating. (What were you thinking?)
I swear I’ve heard more friends in the past couple of months, myself included, tell story after story of horrid bad dates. I’m finally getting why men fish…It’s the metaphor I say! They like to reel ‘em in only to throw them back out to sea/lake—scaring the poor fish in the process. And you never really get over a hook in the lip. I’m sorry but you don’t.
I’m trying to remember the last time one of my guy buds came to me spouting, “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. She ripped my heart out”. And since I can’t this is a one-sided blog. So take that fishermen!
I have no clue how to date anymore but I know one thing, give a real name! yeah you heard me. when I was in high school I dated a guy for a year that told me his name was Maudio…turns out it was Sam. Yeah he was a winner. You think that ish would have stopped post grad BUT I just met someone last weekend that introduced himself as “Blaze”…of course I’m in a noisy environment so I just wait for the texting to begin so that I can pull a smooth “how do you spell your name again?”…He writes back “blaze” and I say no thank you. I've passed the time where dating an american gladiator was cool beans. Besides...I don’t date dudes who aren’t decent enough to tell a gal the name his mama gave him. How whack is that?! The fishiness I use to attract these fellows is just that…fishy! I’m over it!
I haven’t mentioned it but i’m not having a positive dating experience ya’ll. With friends telling me all of their horror stories (men not calling, letting friends determine their social lives, etc.) it’s just bonkers city in my head. Guys, you’re being lazy…if you like someone pick up the phone and ask them to hang out if you’re interested. What woman wants to think they’re alone in thinking there’s something cool worth ‘exploring’.
And big boo boo prevention #1: Please PLEASE don’t tell a gal you’re dating a gang of women and you’re deciding which one to go with. It may seem like a good practical deal at first cast but fish will swim in the other direction dude…the bates a little too flashy and cheesy.
That’s it. I’m done ranting for now. I am swearing off men. Yeah, you heard me. It’s all a bunch of hogwash and I’m not gonna take it any longer!!! This little fishy is gonna swim swim swim swim all the way home.
I’m so tired of adding more no no’s to my ever-growing “do not date if” list. Grrr...

eureka!!!

5.05.2008
i asked for some direction and by george i got it ;)

so after work i plopped down at my dining room table and started piecing together this photography project i've been working on for a couple of weeks for b's birthday (i took the gift to her a bit ago so don't worry about the jig being up). the minute i started putting my creativity to use my brain started functioning--things just became clear and now i know what i have to do.

so i'm not taking the class that i've been preparing for for almost a month now. yeah i know...but i don't regret the process i went thru. that monologue is incredible and i'm sure i'll use it sooner or later for something but i just didn't feel right about the situation. the only reason i wanted to take the class was to see if a director would swing by and see me at work but the odds of that aren't so good. acting classes do nothing but strip me of my confidence and frankly at this point, that's all i have so i need to stop trippin.

i've decided i'm gonna save my money. stick to workshops occasionally, try to find a manager (i've got a lead) and i'm going to write a friend of mine who's a professor in the film program at usc. i'm hoping he has some insights on some theater houses i can look into auditioning for. if i'm trying to find directors i have to start thinking like them, right?...why not pick one's brain for awhile :)

so yeah. i'm really feeling good about this. it's something...i needed a something.

i just couldn't handle doing nothing and feeling like nothing at the same time. that mentality infects every aspect of my life. the minute i used my own hands and brains to create something i knew i had to start looking within for the answers instead of depending on folks to tell me...even if they've made it and are considerable experts in the game. i need to find my own path.

so now begins a new page. i may be down but i'm far from out!

i fall back to my knees

5.04.2008
i'm sitting here listening to this new artist b hipped me to. her name is adele. she is british and all things lovely and she makes me cry. her lyrics are sweet and brutal and honest and mine for the day. "to make you feel my love"...

music and films have sent me all over the place emotionally today. i watched the hours this morning. two soul-stirring moments: 1.) the moment virginia tells her husband someone has to die in order for everyone else in the book to appreciate life--profound. hit on a personal level and made sense. and 2.) the acting was good. gave me one more example of what i'm not doing but want to be doing so desperately right now. needless to say, i was a basket case.

i wrote so much in the good ole journal today about uncertainty and all that jazz that accompanies my crazy career dreams and any other uncertainty i could put my finger on. i studied lines...asked myself if this acting class is something i should do. i've figured out that my pocket book will determine the outcome. i spent a hefty amount of money last night for b's birthday bash so now i don't have the cash to fork over...unless they take some credit or will go off my word that i'll holla at 'em next pay period then i'm out this month. lol..nice right? it works for me.

...it was also a day of profound emails that all will somehow piece together my questions into formidable answers.

just got back from watching "iron man" which i enjoyed a great deal (i now need my own super suit and power). now i will crash. this weekend ended on a better note than what i thought it would. maybe this week to come will be filled with some yeses. no?

acting workshop

5.03.2008
ok so quick update:

just got back from the workshop. the pilot they're casting for sounds frickin amazing. it's kind of grassroots for industry standards and involves some frickin awesome actors that believe in it...they're not really looking for non union folks though (clearing throat, that would be me ya'll)

i wonder how many times a girl can hear the word no. i might start a blog just counting how many times i hear it. i live in a world of significant uncertainty lol...all my own doing.

i did meet a cool chick though. she had so much energy and positive things to say. we swapped info. i just need a minute or two to shake off the disappointment that comes with the territory. thick skin...thick skin...

new approach

it's a day of new approaches...

i have a work shop/auditioning opportunity today at 2pm and instead of going thru the head games--getting nervous and cerebral--i'm trying something new. i'm just gonna go in fresh. i only read over the script a couple of times. i'm not worried about memorizing the dang thing--it's a reading. i'm reading it dang it! and yeah...i feel good.

i went to pasadena this morning for my monthly zen period with soneida, came home, watched some oprah and ugly better (estrogen is yummy) and now i'm blogging...i'll leave in about 45 minutes or so. just chillin...that's a new approach too.

i had a moment last night. i've been fighting being sick all week. the stuff was breaking my body down so much it started making me weak minded...i was gettin' sappy and emotional...feeling i should be singing "all by myself" or something...so i took myself to the ER to get some meds and kill the ish. i sat across from this hilarious situation (aka woman). she goes up to the window and tells the nurse, "i am having sweats, bouts of dizziness, my side is paralyzed, i can barely speak (although she's articulating all of her symptoms quite nicely) and this is an urgent matter. someone needs to see me right away before i have a heart attack". she then sits down, calmly calls her husband and starts to tell him that she hates these "effers" (i'm rephrasing for the innocent ones) and starts discussing some bbq. lol...

i type all of that to point out that people make big deals out of the everything and create drama for no reason at all. if the woman was really all there she would have realized she was fine and NOT having a heart attack because no sickly person would be able to function quite like she was able to lol. sigh...i started laughing at myself...i don't have it so bad. our teachers come in all different shapes and sizes..even in crack heads have lesson plans for us.

so yeah a weekend built around a chill mind. i plan to go to this work shop, hang with b for the beginning of her birthday extravaganza and continue memorizing lines for class on tuesday. (yes i'm still at 'em)

chill...it's chill time.


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