i immediately called j at her job (calls are rare and special cuz people near me are nosy beasts) and she set me straight. all she had to say was "everybody hates going to class...no one likes to practice" and i was fine...lol. that's right. no one likes that ish. even though i should enjoy every bit of the process of what i love that ain't happening. acting requires one to open up the deep dark areas of one's heart and mind that you'd rather not eff with. while i'm performing it's a completely different matter though...i become something else...my mind takes a back seat and i black out in a sense...and i feel good...a worthy sacrifice.
this 15 minute emotional rollercoaster didn't end though. as soon as i got home i started freaking out again. there are some folks out there that don't understand that i'm trying to make acting my livelihood...just like you'd study for the mcat, i study lines...it's no less important but everybody and their dog wants to interupt my process...i couldn't sit for more than 10 minutes...memorizing was becoming a challenge.
then my gal pal lex called and i started whining to her about everthing and as soon as i purged i was able to just soak it in. i've memorized a good portion of my script. life on a wednesday night is good. for the rest of the weekend--no tv, no phone calls once i've started studying, no internet.
give me memorized lines or give me death!
"i know what you think it is, but it's not that. i don't keep his sneakers because i still love him..."
there i go there i go there i go...
I don’t know where to begin on describing my new york trip over the weekend. I don’t even have the correct words to describe the amount of fun and joy that seriously covered every moment while I was there.
I landed in new york Friday morning after spending all night on planes just to be greeted by tc’s massively long hug. at that moment I knew the trip was gonna change me.We walked and saw so much…the last time I went to ny I was so overwhelmed by the sheer size of the place…I never really felt like I saw the human side of the city. This time I was with a semi-native son so I felt like I saw the city from the eyes of those that walk its streets every day. gotta love the backstreets and local hang outs that really exemplify real living. Plus we went to the Guggenheim and hung on the stoop that Langston Hughes used to call his own. saw children enjoying the museums and listening to the artists’ descriptions and motives for their work…new Yorkers are just mad different and are knowledge sponges.
I’ll post some pictures of the places we visited (save your eyes from a thousand plus words) and stick to what was going thru my head the entire time.
Tc is an amazing man and it’s never been more fun just being with someone. We made up our own little language that had us cracking up the entire time…little quotes…little experiences that are so good you want to wrap them up and hold on to them…just to remember you actually have someone that can really see you…sees your humor, your beauty, your fatigue from walking lol…
I got to meet up with a college dear friend, mr corn minor, and we had an amazing Sunday brunch at a little quaint place in harlem called “kitchenette” (good irish oatmeal!) it was cool seeing two of my favorite guys chattin’ up, swapping stories about concerts in ny parks they had both attended. My mens can vibe together :)
We had a housewarming party on Saturday night that left me quite tipsy but I met a lot of his fellow lawyer buddies and even saw one of his frat brothers that I knew back from undergrad. It was just one of those great weekends…carefree…not a stress to ponder…living in the moment and enjoying the fact that every time you turn your head you’re seeing and experiencing something new and great.
The euphoria I’m experiencing is overwhelming right now…not good being I’m now back at work with a gang of stuff to do. Lol…
I don’t think this will be the end of tc and my adventures in new york…here we go!
my agent actually called today to send me on an audition for tomorrow...sigh lol. sometimes life just has to happen...i'm not regretting any of it...especially since it was to pose as a mommy in an ad. is that what i've become?...the "mommy type"...sigh
i was hoping i could still pull off the cute and sassy 18 year old...no?
anyways. time to go play with b before i grab a bus down to LAX. today has been such a delightful day.
i'm in a new york state of mind (sing this like big on sex and the city)
that c word was a little hard to wrap my thoughts around before...couldn't even say "i" and "cancer" in the same sentence.
a weight has been lifted...thanks everyone for the prayers...i feel blessed and appreciative and everything else that encompasses great!
it helps that i leave for new york this week too. before i know it i'll be on that lovely red eye...and i can't wait. this has been a good year for trips thus far. i know this one's gonna be a goody one too. tc is the ultimate tour guy and has so graciously taken off of work so that we can scoot around the island exploring. i love the city and can't wait to see how it looks 8 years later (yes it's been a minute) but most of all i can't wait to hang with this guy and catch up.
he's planning on having a housewarming party so i get to really jump into his life post kansas city. i like being a fly on the wall...PLUS i get to help be dj. mwahahaha.
2008 is shaping up nicely. i've had one set back but i stayed strong thru it and will continue to do so if need be. i've been getting out and seeing new things, had some great moments with my friends...learned some great lessons from folks i never in a million years thought i'd actually associate with again, i've completed that acting book requirement for my new acting class...started messin with the monologue for class. things are checkin out!
today i went on this really great hour long walk with my girl ev and was able to shake off the feelings of blah and discontent. i have no idea what causes that mess but i now know how to get rid of it. WALK! i am now back on the "pumped for life" bandwagon.
happy earth day :)
p.s. i'm jaded...what's wrong with pennsylvania. ugh. is anyone else sick of all this mumbo jumbo primary ish?!
the procedure yesterday went really well. my girl b went with me and it made the experience great. i can honestly say i didn't get nervous which i credit to her. while i was doing the paperwork the woman asked her what relationship we were to each other and of course we said friends/sisters. friends really do improve the backbone i must say.
i named the lump (herbie) and the docs went to business taking samples of the little guy to see if he's going to be annoying or not. the doc told me he believes it'll be nothing--i don't think a doc would fudge something like that up if he didn't have to. so yeah i was a bit sore yesterday but still managed to grab sushi before heading home and knocking the heck out for the rest of the day. sleeping is an adventure...heaven forbid you roll over (ouch) so i'm a bit of a zombie case but if that's the only prob i encounter from this whole experience well then so be it!
last night i watched hours of hgtv...that's heaven man. today my girl akiba is coming up to watch flicks with me before she freaking goes to a meet that will help prepare her for the 2008 olympics...crazy awesome gal pal.
j's in new york for work and is doing a grand job of keeping me posted on celeb sitings (it's so much more fun there than here). she just saw seth green lol.
what do you do when you sing out of tune?...
if you're me, ya grab the pals and keep 'em close.
Labels: friends rock
this surgery and what it could possibly mean is no different
the plan my friends is to wake up. this was a wake up call to appreciate the things i have...no matter what the outcome is i'm up now.
this acting book has shaken me up too...i've got my mojo back and i'm ready to go.
keep your eyes open...this is when it starts to get good : )
i have yet to pick up my monologue and start memorizing but i have been reading my book so i'm only half sabotaging my acting career.
this week is all about sticking to the practical chores that need to get done. new glasses, shopping for my trip to new york that's coming up quick, making sure i have stuff for when i'm chillin in bed...
boring, i admit, BUT i figured it was a good idea to let folks know i'm not wiggin. if i'm not wiggin, ya'll don't have to wig ; )
(where did that term come from by the way?)
luv & kiwi is in full force. i can feel it in my bones!
every gal needs a vacation though so she came up to get away. she hung out with d and i last night, we watched a good flick and then stayed up giggling and catching up all night. it was nice...but then the heifa suckered me and asked if i wanted to go watch an la sparks tryout. i agreed and then she hit me with the 7am requirement...weekends are meant for sleeping in!!!
watching the women practice today was totally cool though. i felt like i had entered "love and basketball"...i was waiting for quincy to come out lol...i brought my big ole acting book and i sat in the gym working on my dreams while the ladies worked on theirs....good space to be in.
after the last work out akiba's friend and other tryout buds met us at roscoe's for some chicken and waffles and we had a good time just hanging out and meeting new folks. one girl from texas actually knows some of my texas peeps i grew up with (it's a small world i say!)
it was a nice girlie kinda day. i took a nap which was a big no no...i'll be up and wired all night but there's some father of the bride marathon thing on so bored i will not be.
the most memorable part of the weekend though: taking a moment to sit with the fact that me and my girls have the skin of elephants. we've been thru a lot and are pretty snazzy people. i know i shouldn't put a lot of importance on such fickle things such as personal history (histories subjective you know) but it's empowering to be in the presence of good folks. just is. :)
the doctor's office called today to make sure i booked it so next friday i'll be on my way to finding out what this mass is all about. after i got off the phone with them i calmly emailed my two best buds and my mom and told them the day and all that good stuff and that was that. i walked out to my car and i heard the birds chirping and thought to myself should i hold on to all of this and although that sounds so dramatic, it was a natural question that kinda popped up.
j called right at that moment and we had a good cry and then i was better. j's my soul mate...i think we were both waiting for the other person to say it was ok to be upset for a minute.
so yeah, i'm not ashamed to be scared of surgery, i'm not even ashamed i cried, i just feel weird that i'm just now realizing i have no control over how this all turns out. i can control how i act thru out the whole process and that's about it. all of this includes owning up to my feelings without allowing them to get entirely out of silly control. (i seriously believe there's a balance.)
so yeah i've sent some texts and i plan to write a bunch in my journal...i feel like it's as good a time as ever to really put the truth out there and be cool with it. why not...
this is one of those life moments where i'm really supposed to pay attention and see what my character's really made of. i think you can be scared and still rock adversity. what do you think?
(it's either that or i just let time keep pulling me thru the motions. either way i'm getting there.)
i watched "being john malkovich" for the first time (i know i'm slow on some ish--let it be) and was lovin' that stuff to pieces. yes, it's an odd film but it's frickin brilliantly acted and personally i love the idea of chillin behind someone else's eye balls for a change and watching the world from a different perspective. sounds peachy keen to me.
two thumbs up. my daily acting inspiration has been found.
Labels: movie critic
yesterday i received some bummer news in regards to that lovely little lump fiasco i may have mentioned before. turns out the lump is minor...they're just gonna keep an eye on it for a couple of months but alas the ultrasound that was supposed to make me feel all relieved inside instead found a mass that made my doctor squirm a bit.
i have to have surgery so they can biopsy the blackness on the screen that they never quite explained to me. that's not the point of this blog though.
sitting on the bed with the ultrasound tech and doctor staring me down was a make or break situation. you either let the drama take you over or you take over the drama... obviously i had a teary moment but i knew walking out of there that my girl b would be waiting to hear the news and i didn't really feel like crashin the party over something we still didn't and don't know a whole lot about at this point so a couple of tears squeezed out and then it was patch time. ready set joke.
had to chuckle about the cruel irony associated with a skinny (pirate's delight) gal hearing the news that she has to have even more taken out of her top region...someone up there loves to laugh.
had to laugh when b asked if she should come in and sit with me during the ultrasound...i told her she's already kissed me. i think seeing me in all my glory was a little too fast for me...sugar lips was on the move!
medical diagnosis dimmed with dumb humor? check.
there's just something addicting about taking the power away from a doctor's not so great news and flippin the script.
according to my lovely book (_a new earth_) we have to always remember that life happens...what will be will be and that's that. yes all this mess is happening but it's just a small part of the tishy saga, no? i blogged. i got out any jitters i may have had left. now i'm good. ahhh, don't you just love a good write?!
in acting news: it's new book time..._the power of the actor_ : required reading for my new acting class. hopefully reading something new won't distract me from the good teachings of the cute little gnome (aka tolle). i'm gonna need to keep the peace for awhile.
15 days until new york and mr. crown ;)
that's all folks.
yesterday was seriously THE crowning moment of my little jayhawk life. i've never felt that kind of high before...or been that stressed out. has to be one of the best games i've ever watched in my life. the best part by far was watching these ku dudes keep at it...they never gave up. it was inspiring as all get out!
so yesterday i grabbed my homie d and headed to el guapo, the local jayhawk bar and we made nice with the other jayhawks and two silly memphis supporters who refused to leave my side (good thing one was a cutie crush from one of my old acting classes). i've never crossed my fingers so hard, wanted to hit the other team's fans so much...lol it was just intense and beautiful when super mario's three went in. was anyone else holding their breath for the last 2 minutes of the game like i was?!!!
i always looked at crazed fans and wondered why they celebrated so hard. now i know the reason...it's been 20 years since my school's won a championship game and by golly it was about time!
i'm gonna add pics from the night. rock chalk jayhawk go ku!!!
p.s. thank you kansas for helping me come in 2nd place on my bracket.gotta love those boys!!!
Labels: ku basketball
you have to realize that the feedback is somewhat coming from a place of love...lol support if you will...they're trying to hone your skill.
so i arrive at the burbank building with the cute red door and sit with all of the other nervous actors and wait. the casting director arrives and gives a short speech about what she does, what's she's accomplished career-wise and what she looks for in the actor's that come through her door. then the real stuff began. i read thru my scene with her observing and then she gave her feedback. my big ole curly mess was distracting (noted: take ponytail to auditions), have to fix my resume and headshots (small tweak) and then she went into my performance...apparently i've picked up shifty eyes. this is a bummer lol...shifty eyes are reserved for liars and weirdos.
(don't respond to that last noun)
so yeah i definitely got great practical career advice. i think i always walk away from these things disheartened because i no longer receive the same responses i used to get in my younger years. the "oh you can act! you have great instinct, etc."
i'm seriously starting from scratch out here...lost my mojo and am actively working on getting that ish back!
on a better acting note: i went to my game watch party (GO KU!) yesterday and actually sat and spoke to a fellow jayhawker who happens to be an actor (i didn't know this). i guess he now directs so he asked if i'd be interested in possibly hosting shows...he gave me his card and told me to write him. i plan on doing that right after this blog :) i'm really trying to just enjoy this whole unknown process.
it's a day that i happen to be drippin in acting thoughts.
so yes, a man is pregnant. he used to be a she and he describes the way he feels about gender, sexuality and so forth on the show and while it's not something traditional in the public sense i caught myself shaking my head yes over and over again.
"the gamut of human possibility"...he wrote that phrase in an 'the advocate' article. this isn't a time for judgements...it's not our place. it isn't a time for hate spewing rhetoric...no one saught YOU out to harm you...it's time to listen to a new story...just listen and allow a story to resonate. listening won't turn you straight..mean you're gay, imply you're not a good trans-gendered human being...it's just a time to listen and learn about someone's life-plain and simple...something new.
the man and his wife sat on oprah's couch holding hands and you could see that the man was really vulnerable, maybe a bit guarded--waiting for the opinions of the world at large (you can say world at large when you're getting your info from oprah) and i felt so sad for them because they really do seem like they love each other for all the reasons you're supposed to love another human being...sad that they have to experience the evil sides of people's fears in motion.
like thomas, i'm sitting--holding my breath...hoping that the world is able to embrace a new story about human possibility...our break from roles and our ability to be different and beautiful and new.
just thought i'd share. it's been a long time since i've connected to someone's story quite in that way.
p.s. i totally posted on oprah's web site. there's a lot of nastiness out there my friends... a lot!
i sat in the salon place where i get the hair from my eyebrows plucked away and watched as employees came in (i love being the first appointment of the day). one hair stylist came in dancing to the music and had me giggling out loud (gol). don't we all want jobs that get us dancin'?!
good morning complete. now i sit, eating a strawberry cupcake i baked last night, taking a break from a script i'm running through for a workshop i'm doing tomorrow morning.
for the first time i relate to this character...i get where she's coming from, i know how she works, what gets her tickin, how she hides her insecurities so i'm really happy to do this piece. i'm hopefully reconnecting with a casting director i met many moons ago back in kc too. she was really supportive and kept on me to get her a taped monologue so she could send me out for work but i just didn't know enough about the game out here...didn't know if she was legit--totally green i was. tomorrow she'll meet a new tishy :)
i'm really happy right now. last night was dope. my homie, big d, came over for part 2 of "lets cook a meal together" so we made some of his famous spaghetti...well he made it. i watched and took pics and then i baked some strawberry cupcakes (yogurt substitute--less fat), we took some to our pal evvie and her husband & kid (cupcake therapy for the masses!) and then we came back to my spot and watched lucky number slevin. i've seen it before but i forgot just how clever that dang movie is. highly entertaining. two thumbs up for sure.
as for the rest of my today, i'm going to go watch the final four games down at my alumni fam bam bar with my buds and then possibly go out for a little dance action with the ladies tonight. it's been a minute since i've gone out in la...(and actually enjoyed it) but i'm feeling great today...ya just can't see the blues when you're rose-colored glasses are bigger and better than ever.
i figure doing something bliss-seaking like cooking something that happies the soul and really laughing it up, clicking with your good friends and really just enjoying life is what it's all about. i just feel so free spirited and content right now...i've been praying hard core for happiness and peace. the minute i stood still and started paying attention was the minute i found what i needed. :)
at approximately 4 am this morning i woke to the sounds of my fire alarm going off. i promptly put a pillow over my head and said i'd get up only if it stayed on for more than 5 minutes...it goes off after about 30 seconds and i go back to sleep. 2 minutes later i hear a woman scream, a very loud crash and then a man screaming, followed by running.
i sat in bed frozen not knowing what to do. then i thought the crash was loud enough that it may have been coming from my roommate's bedroom. i got up and ran to her room and politely knocked (what the heck tish?!!! you're gonna knock and ask the bad man not to hurt your girl?) jenni opens her door and asks if i heard all that too. we open the window and can hear a cop talking to a man on our building. i guess kevin--the guy on the roof was hysterical because cops had laser pointers on him. he said that someone else had been hurt and he didn't have his gun anymore...(jenni and i are freaking by the way) the guy down below (vargas the negotiator--yes i know all their names now) kept telling him no one would hurt him...that a paramedic was on the way and that the police on the roof were just to protect him...kevin kept saying if they got any closer he'd jump...i start crying--i'm about to hear a man try to commit suicide...not cool for anyone.
the police ended up getting him off after about an hour...he would only let the paramedics help him and wanted to talk to his mother before he came down...he's 33.
after they got him down and yelled clear i have no idea what happened. no police came around to tell us what the hell was going on...they had to move a bunch of cars this morning to get the fire truck and ladder in so i wonder what the cars' owners will think this morning.
crazy times in sherman oaks. one of my girls here was correct...the hood is all of la. ALL of it!
observing people doing random acts of kindness and showing some compassion does something to the soul. i feel like today i've received a little something that i have to be thankful for. i had this wicked weird dream about my mom and dad so of course i had to get on the phone with mo this morning and make sure everything was cool. my cute little madre was as goofy and bubbly as ever, immediately put my fears to rest and then changed my whole morning around. apparently her best friend, ness, has a cousin on the tv game show "deal or no deal". this cousin is about to move on from the show so ness spoke to her, gave her my information and then told her that i'm a good person and she should do whatever she can to help me out. i started tearing up and told my mom that was a nice gesture. my mom replied that there were a lot of folks back home pulling for me. you know i may never hear from that cousin but just a small reminder that i have people pulling for me is enough.
it's time to start creating more days like that. case in point. the other day i arrived at work feeling like pooh. i went down to pass out information on my company's new name change...greeted people at the door, put on a smile and found that i felt great afterwards. sitting at my desk growling at folks never makes me feel all bubbly inside. lesson learned. so yeah...it's time to flip the script.
my good deed for the week: i begged and pleading for my best buddy to watch this show about newlyweds. she finally got to watch it and she was entertained. :) it's good for loving couples to see other loving couples doing well and working well together...people see happy people and do everything to tear them down...it's terrible. no more crabs in a barrel...love builds love yo!
acting update: i haven't heard back from the acting studio yet but i'm gonna stay on their behinds.
luckily something rational kicked in and i suddenly remembered that i'm paying for the darn class and i control what i do and when i do it...(funny i could forget such an important thing.) i wrote the acting workshop and told the folks that i knew i wasn't quite ready yet for an advanced class...heck i watched the tv show 'the game' after work and saw one of the girls in the advanced class!!! they use an acting technique i'm not too familiar with...a lot of famous folks use it....brad pitt, halle, charlize theron...it's a bit much for me right now. i love acting and i approach it like a school kid. i want to start with the basics and work my way up...pride has no place. i want this class to challenge and provoke...but in a manageable way.
so now i'm just waiting for the acting coach to call me back and verify that it's cool. then i can be 100% at peace.
it's crazy how easily it is for the world to determine my demeanor...i must really work on that!
so yesterday i went to audit this class this prominant actress teaches...way different that my first experience out here. first of all the folks auditing had to sit at the back of the class, which immediately calmed my fears and allowed me to observe and ask questions.
there's a guy filling in for the acting coach while she's on set and he's a director of film and commercials, he directed the movie "pride" so he's definitely got some great work under his belt. this cute little stocky african man sat up there with his charming little accent and discussed blue balls and other things that sounded hilarious coming out of his energetic little mouth...i think i fell in love with his sporadic but honest assessments of the scenes we watched.
2 hours in, it was a home run. i was sitting there thinking that i could definitely do the class...i'd probably start in the beginner's class because these folks were dang good... the last group got up to perform and knocked everything i've seen live out of the water.
i don't think i exhaled for a good 30 minutes. the two men performing had to act out a scene i know i've seen before in a movie about a man that's been sent to kill his best friend...the best friend goes thru all of these emotional states begging and pleading for the guy to take pity on him and right when he thinks he's gonna let him go the man shoots him in the back. it was so intense...at that moment i knew i belonged in the beginners class but nooooooo.
after the scene everyone filed out and one of the teachers told me i'd be working with a gal in the class for next week...(gulp), that i needed to pick up the book the main coach stresses in each class (double gulp)...did i mention i'd be in a class with the folks i discussed earlier?!!! (gulp, pass out)
i do enjoy what these coaches bring. they started class with rejoices and triumphs...people would shout out i just booked a $100,000 commercial or i just booked 'the game' or 'csi new york'...my husband and i decided we're going to start trying for a baby. it was cool to see that...
and then there's the psych evaluation aspect of acting classes. every coach i've ever ran across loves to bring up the abandonment thing...what parent did you wrong...and so of course he did that but then he asked for people to get their power back at the end. i was diggin the positive spins on everything so i'm thinking this class is going to be good for me. i'm just a bit intimidated lol...
just a bit.
this week should be very interesting...