leap year

2.29.2008
it's leap day; a day symbolizing correction.




i spent it unconsciously searching out some profound change...searched the newspapers and internet sites, sought out conversations with non present people and just couldn't quite find whatever it is i needed to. i see the things needing correction but the answers aren't as easy to spot.



they say when you're on the right path the world opens up for you with overwhelming abundance...in the meantime you'll receive little signs that let you know you're swimming in the right direction...maybe that's what i was searching for. 2008 is the year i marked as a biggin...i'm just searching for those signs.



do you know how crazy you have to be to search to find just the question? i watched beautiful girls tonight...it was a random pick. i don't even know how it ended up in my netflix queue but there it appeared. the antagonist in the film goes to his proverbial home town in order to both make sense and run away from the problems he's created in his life...it was a good little film...packed with quotes that helped him find himself. i'm thinking i can't wait for my trip home in may...although i don't know how beneficial it will be considering my parents no longer live where i grew up...we'll just see when we see.



in other whimsical news, leap year is supposedly the day where women can propose to men and if the man refuses they have to buy the woman something...the consolation prize depending on what country they happen to get popped the question. that was the one piece of information i learned about today in my many searches that led to a laugh.



it's an uncanny day created by uncanny mathematical geniuses that should result in uncanny events...



sadly my mind's a blank. no life lessons today

namaste resonates

2.28.2008
The namaste challenge:


So I've been watching for the divine in others. it seriously brought me so much joy to write this...

My cousin is currently in Europe walking the streets of Milan with beautiful people and eating beautiful food…just cuz. She didn't need to get away…had no business reason for going…just saw an opportunity to get there, took it and ran…how inspiring is her life freedom and gumption?! How many women do you know that could just leave the country alone like that? I can count 'em in my hand.

My writer friend is breaking down relationships in the most comical of ways…don't you just love perspectives that are fresh and light? Everyone goes thru their crack heads but victimizing yourself is a trap that even I fell into at one point…identifying with being a "dumper or dumpee" instead of realizing you're just floating along in the river of "everyone goes thru this mess" is swell and she's the queen of swell right now

B is going back to college and is taking some pretty interesting classes…gotta love my educated sistas in the game!

My mom loved eat pray love so much she's going to the library to learn more about yoga…makes my heart swell because she's been confused in regards to the spaces she's creating in the world. This could turn into a great passion…

My dad sent me a valentine that just arrived at my job today…perfect example of how silly that one day's power can get…getting that kind of stuff just randomly is grand. The love gift included yummy chocolate I have to wait to eat and a dora the explorer card that says, "a heart for you, un Corazon para ti" lol…no my dad does not speak Spanish…the complete and udder randomness of it made my heart giggle.

Fat's fiasco: my best guy buddy hadn't been responding to emails at work so I hit him up via text and asked him what was up…turns out he had some funky little sickness thing I'd rather not embarrass him with by explaining to the world lol…I teased him for awhile and we laughed and goofed…he ended our little chat with abuelos 3 months…his excitement for this place we always go to was and is totally mutual and that excitement was lovely to behold. There's just something about being a part of a friendship that thrives off of the excitement of hanging with the other person. mutual love of shared space…sigh gotta love it

j's life this week also put a smile on my face. she recently created a dream board and seriously the stuff she's putting on that sucker is popping up left and right. she wanted to move forward as an editor at her mag she currently works for so what happens? one guy has to take a leave of absence, her boss, THE editor has to travel so she's given the responsibility of basically finishing and sending off the march issue and she does it...with minimal over time...we all have that superstar career woman we look up to...she makes her work look effortless and it's always top notch...she totally deserves a spot on cashmier mafia or any of those other shows about tiger ladies who look fabulous while running the world.

And my favorite character delight for the week (drum roll….)

Drew Barrymore…yes I realize I don't know her…we're not good buds lol BUT I read an article about her in vogue and something in her just resonated with me. the article discusses a new film she just wrapped on that required her to practice method acting…she immersed herself in the character. She cut herself off from everyone in her life…got rid of her blackberry etc. and just lived off of nothing socially for months to basically get into the mind of this woman and it gave her this amazing perspective...that passion she has is so admirable. I mean she's hollywood royalty...it's in her blood and she's been making blockbuster hits for years...fluffy feel good films maybe but still, she doesn't have to prove anything anymore. (i see this mentality take shape in many a good actor) not ms drew though. she's established but she still is respectful and hard working on sets…actors love her, directors worship her. I think I'm just delighted and surprised by her work ethic and her honest love for the craft. That and she said something about finding herself in this character…she said she never felt like a woman. (um sound familiar?!!!) she always felt like a little girl and this role showed her who she was in some weird cosmic way and helped her become a woman

i fell in love with her…

I don't know how this namaste challenge is doing it, but man it feels great to find out beautiful things about other people! There is a catch to my cheerful optimism for all of you Debbie downers out there…it's not like I can pull an anne frank and find the good in everyone lol…but that's the fun part...gifts are always better when they're random and unexpected.

namaste

2.26.2008
i seriously got a personality shake today.




i've been the queen of complaints lately: i've complained about body ailments i've picked up due to faulty attempts at working out correctly lol, weird books i'm reading, annoying folks at work...i've just been a sour apple and i just got really sick of listening to my mouth so i came into work today vowing not to complain...



(turns out the book i was complaining about has a small chapter on complaining...hint taken)



when i took the time to stop complaining interesting things started poppin up. the guy that usually annoys the crap out of me at work suddenly wasn't so annoying...i got some great laughs out of the dude today. i came home...cleaned up the mess i was too sore to deal with before (since i decided not to complain about my body aches i didn't pay attention to them as much and accomplished quite a bit)



the best part of all though would have to be the two phone calls i've received tonight...the first being from a guy friend of mine out here, chris, who just got a call back on an awesome film opportunity. the guy was seriously at the right place at the right time and met the right people that fell in love with his cute little behind...he was jumping off the walls with excitement and wanted me to help him go over lines and prepare for tomorrow's audition...seriously that's the coolest thing that's happened to me in a really long time. it's cool knowing someone out there values my opinion and ability to help in an area i'm passionate about. the dude is out gettin' a fade lol...bruthas. after that though it's on... i'm about to hook him up for real! tonight is operation get the guy a job! this is the closest i've come to acting activities in a really long time...i'm flying with it!!!



after that i started jibber jabbering with my writer friend who i haven't spoken to in many moons... we caught up on life...she's got some great opportunities in the writing world happening and so it's time to celebrate...so career chat is on the books and possibly some dating horror stories...the best thing you can do is go out for drinks with a comedy writer...her dating stories are HILARIOUS



so what has the queen of now wishful thinking learned? dropping your "me me mentality" is the way to go. i had to shut up so that i could really hear the good things going on in my people's lives. my boy chris (brian if we're keepin him in character) was excited as heck when he left...this could be one of those pivotal moments in life where everything changes for him. the same goes with the writer...the strike did some damage but she seriously embraced the change... i love living vicariously thru these folks...keeps me busy and creates my own little profound changes while waiting for the bigguns : )



basically it's namaste: i bow to the divine in my friends. this week i'm all about that!

thankin’ all that thinkin’

2.24.2008
(someone just called while i was watching the oscars) can you imagine? can you fathom it?




i had a blast watching the darn things this year because j got online and we g chatted the entire time--sharing our thoughts on speeches, who should win, etc. it was lovely :) she's the one i will take to my first oscar night so tonight was good practice for us ; ) funny enough, we've never done that before.



i did have quite a few cry moments at the beginning. you're used to that by now but sorry! i can't help it if it moves me to tears...every dream has a crowning moment...maybe you're a teacher and your first troubled kid graduates and says it's because of you. maybe you've won an award for your brilliance in writing...there's lots of them and the oscars just happen to be one of mine. (the first moment i step on a set for a movie i will be in will be the first--i'll kiss the ground) ya catch my drift though.



change is in the air. i think about acting every night before i go to bed and every morning when i wake up. some day all that thinkin' will turn into action and i'll be thankin all that thinkin!

a tomboy speaks out

2.22.2008
it's time the tomboy spoke.




since i was five i've loathed the dress. something about the open air and panty-spotting potential was just a bit too much for me and i guess i just carried that mentality with me over the years.



it became kinda my schtick if you will...being the token tomboy sidekick that is. i'd kinda hang in the back with my jeans and t shirt and do my thing...work on my personality lol...work on the inner tish but i'm about to let you in on a little secret...i kinda wanna be more girly.



i came to work today in jeans, a t shirt and long johns...lol snazzy, i know, but dude...it's friday, my ankle is killin right now and did i mention it's friday...casual day at work...freedom to just schlump as needed?!!!



i walked in and sat down and a woman walked by and said "wow you're really working the tomboy today". 20 minutes later folks started asking if i was tired. (code for you look like ish) i want to look girlie and comfortable, pretty and uber female. i feel like a giant most days in la and sadly giant doesn't make me feel pretty, oh so pretty i'm afraid. crazy cuz there's tons of tall glamazons walking around in 5 inch stilts that feel they could poop pink...so what does that mean? it means i'm insecure as heck about feeling feminine and i want to know if there's anyone else out there that feels the darn same. i accidentally picked up a vogue magazine and i swear it's girliness is bleeding into my skin...osmosis is a scary process!



the tomboy in me is screaming right now. i shouldn't even be writing about this mess but honest writing prevails and it's eating at me so i have to get it off my chest. i mean i understand my rational:

dress = girl jeans = freak of nature



is a social construct created to keep the woman down (she focuses more on her lip gloss than lip work) but i can't help it...am i wrong? does wanting to be girlie make me a terrible person? i feel like it's wrong to think girl is wrong? is that something else we've been fed?



all i'm saying is i wish i could own my inner girl genuinely...maybe it's a "thing" i have to work on i don't know but i've decided 2008 is gonna be the year of experimenting...i'm gonna get to the bottom of what makes a woman feel like a woman...being the nerd that i am, i'll start with books...any suggestions? lol...opinions...thoughts? ladies?

princess charming

2.20.2008
man today was one of those manic happy days where sunshine was bursting from everywhere...it just came. no rhyme or reason.




the friend that's offering the cooking/training classes sent a flyer of the event. i passed it along to some folks i thought would really appreciate it and got some great responses back. for some reason it was just frickin' thrilling as heck to see people find something that inspires them to do something good for themselves. i totally jumped on their happiness bandwagons today. lol...it's addicting!



so yeah i worked in between emailing and goofing off with friends all day lol...and just had some hilariously good conversations...good days for no apparent reason are the best. it was a good thing too because i had my physical today and if i wouldn't have been riding the happy train i would have been even more nervous to go.



unfortunately going in i just knew something wicked was gonna go down and it did. i got on that nasty scale and found out i gained 7 pounds...age is settin in. i flipped out and had the nurses and office ladies laughing at me ("wait let me go pee some more") sigh...then they put me in a little room and left me sitting there for 45 minutes...just enough time figure out five different ways of wearing the paper jacket they give you...making sure it doesn't fly open as you carefully reach for a magazine.



and then there's the mind games...do you ever find yourself becoming overly conscious of EVERYTHING when faced with the dreaded physical...suddenly the number of blinks you blink in a minute become important lol...sigh i told her every weird symptom in the book but boy was i not expecting to hear that i have another stupid lump (ladies you know what i'm talking about). i hate finding out such news. i've decided not to mess up my happy day and just accept that ish happens... i have no control over what my body does and move on with life...call it denial or what ev...i called my mom...got some perspective and i'm good to go.



physicals are snazzy aren't they? you know you're going with the sole purpose of seeing if anything's wrong...there's something pessimistically depressing about that...i suck it up anyway and do it every frickin year though.



i gotta keep the good energy flowing!



i'm about to eat some grub and watch some oprah...a little lazy pampering never hurt no one!



ah! one more thing...



i sent my taxes off today : ) i am pleased to announce that i am officially a grown kidult now. in a couple of weeks i will have paid off not only my student loan (WOOHOO!) but some other nasty debt bringing me back to the land of good. i've never felt more accomplished about a goal i stuck to. it's been YEARS of semi-discipline. lol...i've had mishaps along the way but i've learned some great lessons about debt and credit and all of that other big kid stuff your parents tried to beat into your head before throwing you into the crazy world of college living. i used to think some guy would come along and save me from my financial prisons (hey i'm just keepin it real) but i've become my own princess charming and done it myself. go team tish! it feels good yo...it feels mighty good.



so what does this mean for you tish?! well i'm glad you asked...it means the freedom to go and visit my fam and friends back home soon, take a trip (stress and guilt free) to chi town with j for my birthday and say i was the one that granted myself financial freedom. check me out!



flight home...$169

birthday celebration with best friend j in chicago $500 +

knowing you're a financial SUPASTAR...priceless



whether it be personal happiness or finance it's grand saving myself

assumption for 300 please

2.19.2008
ahhh assumptions...what are they really? are they helpful, harmful, productive, counterintuitive?


i'm really trying to go with the flow and practice that new "secret" mentality that deals with the law of attraction but sometimes you just have to keep it real and realize we can't always exist in a zen-like state. i'm not creating bad vibes by questioning someone's intentions…i'm sorry but i can't control another human being lol…

i'm constantly analyzing gestures in my head; why did he do that? why did she give me that? what does it really mean?

i usually keep these kind of questions to myself (well unless you count discussing them with my trusted pal j) but i'm wondering if that's such a good idea. maybe i should start asking people about their intentions they meant for the gift/email/phone call…

wouldn't it save some sanity in the end? funny story that proves a point:

so an ex and i had this funny story. my version included him leaning over and kissing me on our first date…come to find out years after, he was just trying to hug me goodnight and i swooped in for the point lol. intentions…i have one idea in my head, someone else has another and they can get all kinda mixed up—creating somewhat embarrassing moments.

all i know is i thought someone's gesture meant something positive...i assumed it meant progression was the key…looking back at it now it could have just meant "hey keep up the good work".

assumptions…i feel like an arse already. to celebrate my epiphany i bullied my boy d into watching a netflix pick, half nelson, with me. we got some lottery tickets (alas i did not win guys) and grabbed some grub from whole foods and had a nice little bougie night.

: ) sometimes all you need to do is surround yourself with straight shooter friends. it takes you to a completely different place...the kind of places we're better off being at/in

boot camp kicked my arse

2.17.2008
aight...so to help a dear friend of mine out who's starting a new chapter of her life i allowed myself to become a test dummy for this workshop type of thing she recently created. basically you take a cooking class with this really great chef...he teaches you how to do everything...even the proper way to hold a knife and cut at an angle resting the knife against your fingers at a slant so you don't cut yourself...my skills are profound...i am bad. lol




it was a blast and i felt so much better after i found out that the two phenomenal women taking the class with me couldn't cook a lick either and are brilliant career women, married and doing the darn thing. point for women like me.



people...i made veggie lasagna with fresh herbs that i cut up with my very own hand and knife...made my own sauce...wheat noodles...i was on fire. we watched him prepare salad dressing too...did you know that caeser dressings have anchovies in them?!!! they do!



anywho after the cooking class (complete with chef smock ya'll) we had to run to this park where we do the bootcamp section of the workshop. you have to do that one run where the person from the back has to sprint to the front..i killed it and secretly patted myself on the back for all the 5 am cardio work outs i've been doing....i patted too soon though.



the trainer woman WORE ME OUT! i started off strong with backwards running...lunges (bunches of those bad boys--AND they included holding a medicine ball and twisting with the damn thing) but then we started doing arm workouts and the fact that i had only had cereal for breakfast caught up with my behind...i started getting dizzy and wibbly and i went down hill from there lol. she had us doing this superman crunch where you lay flat and raise your stinkin legs up and hold that mess until she says down...i was a fool...screaming and whining and grunting trying to do it...while these older than me women were kicking my butt...secretly patting themselves on the back that they had short strong muscles.



i made it thru that ridiculous mess but i'm still exhausted 4.5 hours later. i came home, ate an apple, granola bar and some yogurt and passed the heck out...and the only reason i ate was because she told me i had to. i guess the workout burned around 700 FLIPPIN calories so unless i wanted to plummet and pass out, never to return to the land of the living i had to grub.



now that i'm rested and fed life's a little better. i know i have a long hard road ahead of me trying to get in shape...i swear i thought me gettin on that treadmill would help but noooooo. sniff.



this class was amazing though and i totally recommend it for folks who live in the la area. i believe she'll offer a 6 wk class but that's still being worked out. if you're interested lol...after i just gave you a fine description of hell, then let me know. jokes aside, i seriously love the idea of creating a strong body and frankly knowing how to cook is always a good thang...i learned how to cook for one...that's beautiful...practical and necessary



i've just finished cleaning my stinkin abode and i've grocery shopped for the week (bring on the whole wheat tortillas and other healthy goodies!!!) now i think i'm gonna read and watch some netflix goodness (half nelson)



ya'll...it's been a very interesting weekend. i didn't want to do anything i did this weekend (with the exception of the color purple) but it all ended up adding to the weird goofy yet fun life i call my own. don't you just love when you learn such things?

the roots of my dream

2.16.2008
sometimes if you really pay attention you notice the magic that comes from all the signs around you.




i was drawn to a book that oprah picked for her list...i've never been prompted to read a book on her fav's list before (i'm stubborn about books) but this one jumped out at me so i hopped over to barnes and got it. (a new earth). i've only read a page of it but that first page was pretty darn amazing...the first paragraph mentions flowers and their purpose on this planet. it was a sweet passage and instantly reminded me of alice walker's line about the color purple...



not even 10 minutes of having this thought a friend of mine called me up and asked me to go see the play "the color purple" with her...



i don't know if you know or not but i'm pretty much in love with that story. the film version is the reason i first said i wanted to act as a kid. i'm so happy right now! i'm sitting here in my bedroom stretching out a pair of new patent black shoes and skipping around--pain and all i'm feelin' good.



i'm coming back to the roots of my dream. i said 2008 was gonna be great. in order for that to happen i really need to focus on the signs...for goodness' sake my frickin' dental hygenist was preaching to me today about waking up every morning and visualizing being on set--imagining talking to my agent and getting the news that i got the part. she was a little manic so it really wasn't resonating while she was hacking away in my poor mouth but i'm coming around...i'm thankful i'm able to go tonight and remember just why i'm here...



i'm remembering my roots...now it's time to wake up and really watch them as they grow.

introducing mr. crown

2.15.2008
i'm not big on discussing specific relationship details in this little ole blog of mine but i felt today's events definitely merited an exception to the rules...




a little back story if you will: so before i left the good ole midwest to move out here i started dating this guy. we got along great...had some pretty interesting conversations, chemistry was there...all that good stuff but we both knew going in that he would be leaving for law school on the east coast shortly and i would be moving to the west coast so we kind of left it at that and went about our separate ways...always catching up a bit thru email here and there but nothing special.



then something just clicked a couple of months ago and we started gettin' closer, talking about our pasts, some miscalculations, misinterpretations...lots of misses basically and things just rebooted. so we've been talking for a bit now and while it's been great he still lives there and i still live here so i'd always supress my giddiness and all that jazz. i've discussed him with 'the squad' for months...j even came up with a clever nickname for him--the black hugh grant (BH for short) but alas he's not feeling hugh. he does have an affinity for thomas crown though so by george for the first time ever in the history of a tish blog, someone actually gets to determine what their nickname will be! (thomas crown--the oh-so-smooth, handsome, charming, clever man. we'll call him tc for short)



now i can begin with the story. well if you would have spoken to me this morning you would have realized that valentines day just isn't my day...even when i've been in relationships i've always buckled under the pressure of what the day means...it just seems like a lot of people weighed down by the impressions they want the world to see. it's never about two people that actually care for each other and just have one more silly reason to express whatever it is they feel...it's about shirley sitting in cubicle 109 who always gets a ridiculously disgusting display of tacky stinky flowers and has to show the world that someone loves her...and p.s. everyone else is lame because their boos didn't get them roses in the shape of a giant heart that could hang on the head of the kentucky derby horse.



so yeah i was annoyed today in the office...especially being that a dear friend of mine lost her husband recently and doesn't need to see that shameless crap. i made the best of it...but in no way, shape or form, did i imagine that i would be bamboozled...hoodwinked into learning a great lesson about v day and what else it can mean.



so i'm sitting down listening to a coworker complain about how her boyfriend hasn't called or gotten her anything--she's pretty ticked, my phone rings...it's the security desk downstairs telling me i have a pick up...i ask if they have the right number, confused i walk downstairs and pick up my adorable little gift--roses and carnations with a box of chocolate and the best part of all...a card that reads "just because, love TC". i started to get a bit choked up. my heart swelled basically and everyone downstairs in the visitor lobby saw it.



i enjoy being cynical on single awareness day. i feel like the holiday has gotten out of control but that gift...it seriously brought me back. kickin' it old school! when you take all the crappy self promotion out of the equation you get a day where you can tell the people you care most about in life why they're so swell and that's not a bad thing. this man had NO clue what my work address was and used every law trick in the book to research and seek me out...even got me involved--i was totally clueless (hence bamboozled and hoodwinked). the sheer thought and care he put into doing something like this...ugh...man it was touching ok?!



after work i grabbed some chipotle cuz that sounded like the perfect love meal and then went home and chatted with tc for a bit--thanking him profusely for the most sincere act of cuteness i think i've ever witnessed and then i jetted out to the movies to meet up with b and her sis. we grabbed some chai tea and watched 27 dresses...the perfect movie to see with your girls. we laughed and joked thru the whole thing and just enjoyed each other's company...i get the valentines thing now...the part where you go along with any excuse to celebrate the luvs in your life. (privately and humbly)



it was a nice little aha moment. today ended up being nice--unexpected for sure. people flipped the script on me...and i did a little flippin back.



now there's a new character in this here ole blog...ain't life grand?

an ode to b

2.14.2008
i wrote this in a card for my b lol...every girl needs a poem once in a while: (forgive me ellen!!!)




Roses are red

Violets are blue

Valentine's Day is silly

Even when there's a boo

I've never had fun ones

The pressure was killin

But friend outings on the other hand

Are the best kinda chillin

I've never liked pink

And chocolate's just aight

So days like today

Are undesirably trite

The pressure is too whack, the disappointment a mess

So I am glad to have friends, who explode with finesse

On this Valentine's Day, I give you this duty

Keep good friends around, but still strive for

The Booty!

love is a beautiful thing

2.13.2008
The sun has come.


The mist has gone.

We see in the distance...

our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out of time.

When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun

and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor

I had always loved you more.

You freed your braids...

gave your hair to the breeze.

It hummed like a hive of honey bees.

I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....

God...how I love your hair.

You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.

Lost, injured, hurt by chance.

I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....

Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...

The sun has come.

The mist has gone.

We see in the distance our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out

in and out

in and out

of time



--thank you ms angelou



happy valentines day : )

pentimento

2.11.2008
I ran across this clever word while reading and I can't get the idea out of my head…


Pentimento for all you word nerds is the part of a painting hidden beneath the surface of the paint; an artist's first try.

The wheels in my head started churning immediately….the beauty of a first try.

In regards to relationships I feel like it's every single person's dream to find someone who's brave enough to let you uncover the rough drafts we all started out with. Life happens and before we know it we've created adult facades; so far from the pencil outlines we started out with. Heartbreaks turn into thick brush strokes and before you know it you're looking at someone sitting across from you at a restaurant with a nasty mean wall. I am the queen of hooking up with people boxed in by walls. I don't know what that says about me (please no freud talk ). There's one in particular I've been talking to for years. It's never been anything serious but that didn't stop me from breaking down the other day when I found out just how closed off he really was. The whole time we've joked and kidded, caught up and dropped off the guy was going thru some of the worst tragedies you can think of and I never had a clue. Darn walls…there's nothing worse than looking at a beautiful picture of an ocean only to learn that it was supposed to be someone's face or something and the artist just made a boo boo and colored it all in with blue…all the darn metaphors just to say it sucks to find out ya never really knew what you were really lookin' at.

Last weekend I met this guy that seems pretty cool and I started wondering about his walls—and mine…dating gets more and more interesting I tell you. the longer I'm single the more terrified I become of not finding one's pentimento…or worse, finding it and not knowing what to do with it once I've uncovered it.

I will admit I have "you're single tish!" on the brain just about all the time (I'm still on the keepin' it real phase) and I know this is lame but my stinkin' brain can't hang with rational thoughts telling me there's more to life than who's holding onto your hand. Luckily my brain is big enough to hold all that mumbo jumbo and still make time for other more important thoughts such as my living and existence out here in la.

I wonder what stage of the painting I'm in, in regards to acting and my livelihood... is this year, year 2.5 in la still considered the first try? Or did that start moons ago when I began this crazy quest as a kid? I've gotten to a point where I see folks doing what I want to do and just crying inside wondering if I'm ever gonna make it out of this weird limbo I'm currently in.

I dreamed the other night I was on set filming and it was so real…I can still remember the fun I felt—the jokes I shared with costars…how complete I felt. I did not want to wake up…I was so sad Sunday morning when I opened my eyes. I couldn't wait to go back to sleep that night…if I could live in that dream forever I'd tell you I wouldn't mind never waking up. I actually could relate to Kanye's lyrics at the Grammys, "Last night I saw you in my dreams/ Now I can't wait to go to sleep. ... This life, this here, this Grammys, all of this is all a dream/ My real life, it starts when I go to sleep."

I guess the lesson learned is I have to appreciate what happens in that first stage…there's forgotten integrity there to hang on to; the first intentions, the infinite pools of hope and the happiness that comes from an optimistic blank canvas-- thirsty for an impending masterpiece. Getting back to basics never looked so promising…

pasadena day

2.08.2008
oh happy day...




tomorrow my friends is a day worth sangin' about. not only does tomorrow mark the day i don't have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn, it also represents one day out of the month i lovingly refer to as "pasadena day". oh yes, i nimbly leap from my bed on such days and bounce around like it's my birthday or something.



last time i went i kinda got my eyebrow skin ripped off (can we say double wammy pain--one for the physical boo boo and one for the confused stares i bare from peeps passin' by) BUT that's all in the past...i sent her a text and she felt horrible so she's doing this one for free which means the catepillars are removed for zero pesos and i get a free masage. the woman is a saint.



this is good that i'm so excited because seriously i haven't been excited about anything (nada!) for a bit now. i swear the minute i got the darn cold i've lost all senses completely...it goes beyond thinking all food is blah....music is boring me to tears, i don't have the energy to work out so physical stuff doesn't thrill my tired bones too much, tv can't even get me. i just finished watching that documentary i discussed previously, "african american lives 2" and i hardly batted an eye. (i don't know if you've caught on yet but i'm a sensive lassie...i blubber cry over just about anything)



thank you pasadena for giving me a little something. i went to the eye doc today to get some new specs and not even my cutie pie eye doc could stir me up. i'm counting on pasadena damn it.



one side note question. so i'm reading a book about roots and tracing & tracking family so obviously i'm curious as to my own. i come from some bougie people that don't really share the past with me too much (this is problematic in more ways than you know--don't ever tell a mixed chick you're not really down to tell her about her black side) i asked my gram today about my granny. she's gettin' up there...born at the turn of the century which means her mother was probably the daughter of someone affected by slavery in some way...i ask my grandmother this and she replies back with "no granny's grandma wasn't a slave."...that's it. that's all i got out of her. so here's the question...is that rude to ask?! am i not supposed to be able to ask my family members such questions? gram's mad at her darling tishy that's for sure. the woman usually can't stop writing emails--i got a 6 word response and then the cold shoulder for the rest of the day. oops...



ok i'm going into coughing hysteria now so i'm gonna practice the quick peace out now. happy pasadena day eve! i'll let you know if the gram lets up at all ; )

i voted...and forgot to brush

2.05.2008
two things to report today: one that's kinda gross and stank and i just thought i'd share cuz i'm on a total meds high, plus i started that whole "tell the truth" bit so i've unleashed the hounds and the other's just plain funny...




so which one first? oh the anticipation builds...i'll just go chronologically how bout those apples? so i got up this morning feeling like a big fat wanker (still sick, still have balloon head, still want to stab a straw in my nose and see if that alleviates some of the pressure)...i got ready like normal but noticed i wasn't taking nearly as much time as i usually do which is weird cuz i'm seriously on turtle time lately...i get into my car, i drive away, i hit the busy busy freeway and poof! it hits me what i forgot to do...brush my stinkin teeth. now mind you i'm THE most anal person about oral care...i seriously contemplated turning around and going home...i was 10 minutes from work, an hour away if i turned around...i just wimpered to myself and vowed not to speak towards anyone...that's THE worst thing you can possibly do man...



how horrible is that?! what kind of cold is this!? when you no longer remember to clean yourself you've got issues...i've brushed my teeth since returning home : )



and now for the hilarious bit. so i voted (wooo hooo!) and it was swell and great. it was at this lovely senior citizens home lol...moving quite quickly, (imagine). i was just in the mood to be a part of history so i bounced into the building (look for me on channel 4 news the camera man got me) and stood in line to wait my turn. there was this sola chick in front of me and when she made it to the front they asked her if she was voting democrat or republican and she seriously didn't want to say lol...turns out she's a republican (shouldn't be no shame in yo game honey!) but it was funny watching her wiggle and squirm : ) it's the primary election duh...(funny enough, i still managed to go to the republican side until a cute little old lady guided me to my beautiful proper booth--i blame the meds) hee hee.



republicans squirming...hee hee. well i thought it was funny.



anyways that's my day and i'm sticking to it. peace i'm out!

cabin fever!

2.04.2008
i'm going crazy!




friday night i felt the tickle in my throat...i should have known I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN but alas i woke up saturday morning and was shocked that i couldn't move my body was so sore and i felt like an elephant had one leg resting on my chest. nice...



i've been in bed for three days....THREE DAYS and ya'll i'm going crazy. i can't watch one more movie...i'll just go batty. lets count all the fun i missed over the weekend:



1.) i couldn't go to my friend's surprise birthday party



2.) i was too sick to go to an obama convention...michelle obama, oprah, stevie wonder and caroline kennedy were speaking on his behalf...are you kidding me!!!



3.) superbowl party...yes i layed in bed, fell asleep thru part of it (that's just blasphemy!) and cried to j that i wanted to eat meat.



4.) fourth and most important: I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING FOR THREE DAYS!!! i'm going looney. yesterday i fantasized about eating a huge fat cheeseburger. sadly when you don't have tastebuds or a sense of smell your appetite goes away...weird huh?



so there's that...i wanted to lose a dress size...be careful what you ask for. and seriously i need not complain about not getting enough rest cuz seriously i loath my bed right about now...damn prison of boredom !



sorry...lets just chalk this one up to cabin fever. no woman should be locked up in the house like this...viruses are beasts i say!

after the audition

2.01.2008
i experience so many emotions the day of an audition. so many in fact that i took today off completely just because i really wanted to prepare as much as i possibly could mentally before going.




i woke up this morning feeling like the tazmanian devil was in my stomach. i woke at 5 am and slept like a crackhead for two more hours and then finally got up and decided to do something productive.



by the time i made it to the audition i was 35 minutes early so i sat in my car and read this book i've began to love (one drop) and then went in 15 minutes early. the good thing was i was the only me there. most of the time i walk in and there are 20 other tish's (hair and all) sitting pretty waiting their turn. this time i was the only racially ambiguous gal in the group so i felt a little better but my nerves were still going crazy. by the time it was my turn in the room (number 34 on the list-a-roo) i was going crazy. i was texting my gal j the whole time. i just needed a presence with me for some reason. i was highly emotional...i just want it so bad! she helped me focus and go over what i needed to do in order to make the audition work for me. i got in there and did my thing...even making a fish face at one point (pisces love). it was fun....very much a cattle call...we were just hearded in and out but i have to trust that if i'm the "it" girl i'm it...and that's just that. (and vice versa but i don't want to think about that right now)



the thing is i leave the auditions feeling great and free and alive but i only get a small window...an hour or two later the hope and the worry set in and i start to do what i'm doing right now...watching the phone and pleading over and over again that this time is the right time and i'm ready to step in the game.



i wrote my agent just now and asked when she'd think we'd know whether i got the job or not. i think you usually find out the day of but that may not always be the case.



this life i've put myself in is a crazy one. it's hard and taxing but that pay off is so wonderful and tempting in my eyes...it allows me to get in front of that camera every audition, smile and tell myself you can do this...and i can. i will

cadem

cadem = california democrat


clever eh? got it from my primary election cheat sheet book.



i took the day off today for an audition i have at 1 pm. i've just been chillin all morning and it's been nice. a little cinnamon with my coffee, a little reading for the vote next tuesday. i'm being a responsible cali citizen finally. i will actually vote in this state. check me out! i've never been what you'd call passionate about politics. i grew up in a household that openly loathed politicians, but this year politicians are making some interesting history and i'm genuinely inspired. go team!



as for the audition, i had a couple of conversations with God last night and this morning...not necessarily to give me the job, but more to be strong and remember that everything happens when it's supposed to... made sure to point out that i feel ready though ;)



auditions are so interesting for me. they're kind of an out of body experience...i don't know what i think about most of the time, i go in, do what i'm supposed to do and leave. today i'm feeling different. i feel like i own my day more if that makes any sense. i'm looking at this as a job and not giving it this HUGE significant fork in the road but more so another sign that i'm on the right path and to keep on truckin'. it's time to be a grown A woman and look at all of this with a fresh new perspective. my life deserves that.



i was told i have to come looking just like one of my headshots which means straight hair. i'm also supposed to look trendy lol...if anyone knows me they know i don't do trendy all that well. i had to call b last night and ask her to work her magic. she picked out a green outfit for me that i love...kiwipower for sure! j called me her little buritto today (with black beans and green chilis) which is fitting because i'm wearing green and black lol...boy can she call it. don't ask...we're just weird like that.



ok so i've had my coffee, i know which propositions to vote no on, the hair is straight... i'm good to go for morning mental and physical activities.



i'm a bit nervous but a little nervous energy is good for the soul ; )
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