give me ME or give me death

that statement may sound a bit dramatic but i breathe & live drama so it works for me.

the good folks from that reality tv show contacted me a couple of days ago. i had sent in the latest russian man (aka vlog). apparently they really liked my tape and thought it was good but decided it needed to be great to please the studio folks so they had 'suggestions' as to what i should do to jazz up the tape.

the thing is it was a journal entry which means i was talking off the top of my head and unfortunately i'm not the greatest at acting like i'm experiencing something genuinely if it's not in fact...(gasp) genuine. in fact i suck at it.

it sounds lame but i was really stressin. i was fully prepared to tell the folks i changed my mind and didnt' want to do it anymore. like i said before, i have hang ups with reality tv. i don't want to be a part of some larger than life character of myself...i have to create an acting career off of this and so i'd like that to start with me, the real me. that whole first night i found out i had to jazz up my tape i tossed and turned in bed. i could feel myself getting caught up in the predicament of sticking to the truth or jumping on a really fast moving train to reality tv crazy town.

fortunately i woke up the next morning, received a call from the folks and found out i could just talk about something completely different and i'd be fine. i initially spoke about a date i was excited i have NO clue if the guy will ever want to go out again (not looking good since i haven't received an offer yet and it's already Thursday--ouch!) but yeah, i couldn't re create that situation and act like i was giddy when i'm not all lol. back to hating dating.

so i rattled on about how stressful dating can be and how men drive me to crazy. not as funny as the first (the 1st take is always the best darn it!) but yeah...i'm not worried. they'll either like it and i'll continue to send them russian men or i'll move on to the next door into acting.

it's out of my hands and i'm fine with that...i'm fine with that because it was me on the camera. i can handle me : )

Our individuality is all, all, that we have... blessed in the twinkle of the morning star is the one who nurtures it and rides it, in grace and love and wit....
—Tom Robbins


  1. Yep. You're doing it your way. The Tishy way is the right way! :)

  2. it will all work out well and be fine - FAITH sister


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