kiwi alert: laughing through tears

10.07.2008
driving out to los angeles, leaving my whole world behind was THE hardest decision i have ever made and the news i just received makes that even more apparent.

i have a knack for dreams...i dream stuff about people and the dreams have an uncanny sense of coming true. last sunday i dreamed my ex (aka the big love) was engaged so i wrote him today just to see how he's been doing and told him about the dream. he wrote back that my dream was weird because he just got engaged...

my whole world stopped. this is the part where the camera zooms in on the main character symbolizing the protagonist's world crushing in around them. i'm imploding right now!

does anyone else have regret in human form? well i do and it's not a good thing...i broke with this guy because he refused to budge on moving to los angeles with me...figured that meant he didnt' love me enough and packed my bags. over the years we've always kept in touch...i think that happened because secretly i always thought he'd come around. now that he's moved on in the most important kind of way i see just how important my move out here really was.

i left marriage...i left a possible family...i left my big love at home and now more than ever this acting dream needs to work. i'm yelling this out to the universe!!!! PLEASE work! i dreamed about my ex's life and it was true...maybe my dream about being at the oscars could be true too?...!!!

i can't have this regret swimming around in my heart.

j just called and reminded me that the ex, who is an architect, made me these horribly ugly sketches once as a gift lol...i loathed them...she brought this up to remind me that no self respecting tish could be with a guy that could produce that and expect me to love it lol...i'm laughing through my tears...friends are really saving my arse this year folks! you have no clue!!!

please God...hear my prayers:

i give my hard work over to your highest self. i know that all of this is working and is being directed for my highest good...amen!

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