this is what uncertainty leads to

9.09.2008
ok so here's what's going through my brain:

i should have ran more...i can't stand to sit here and think i've done absolutely nothing for acting.

what i'm mentally writing down:

get your company to flippin reimburse you for the business trip they forced you to go on. once you do this, buy your flippin plane ticket back home for christmas (or your mother will never let you hear the end of it.) wait another month to actually pay off said ticket and then charge your headshots and acting classes on the damn card. (yes my plane ticket is stupid expensive unfortunately)

now...here's my dilemma. family is supposed to come first but in this case i wish it wouldn't (is that terrible?) what am i doing out here if i'm not acting?! my job is killing me. every day after work i have to push myself to the limits, sweat my brains out just to feel something for that day...that's why i run...because i'd be a walking zombie if i didn't. so i buy a ridiculous plane ticket home...and then wait another 2 months before i can get in a class.

i have to sign back up for extra work. it's a good way to work towards a sag card...although i have no idea why i'd want one at this point. i just don't know any different.

i have to stop looking at other people who are working steadily as actors. for some reason i'm missing the hustle gene and i wasn't born to parents who support such things...financially or emotionally for the most part. i don't know clever ways in...i don't know where to go, where to start, who to start with...i don't know and that's about to make my head pop off. i literally have to go to bed early tonight or i think i'll lose it.

if you happen to read this blog by accident and you're curious as to what life is like for the uncertain, now you know. uncertainty can stifle life in the worst of ways, morph every situation into an unfair comparison and devour hope like you wouldn't believe. uncertainty causes my personal demons to dance about. they play with my emotions and chain me to this mentality that i'll be lost forever...and they're doing it while drinking red bull and mountain dew.

i need help from someone. i don't know what to ask for other than help me get my foot in the door...tell me what to do and i'll do it.

lol. i think it's time for bed.

1 comments:

  1. Whoa... what happened to the happy girl we all know and love? ... these things are true: you're talented, smart, young and beautiful... and the list goes on + on... it is all perspective, my dear. b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

    ReplyDelete

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