it ain't over yet caterpillar

8.11.2008
it's monday. i've taken another day off of work. for all those that know me this is no simple act. i hate skipping out on things but my weekend was so hard...so hard and i went through so much. i just needed a day...i needed to sleep off the long days i've been working for the passed two weeks and get a grip on the range of emotions i experienced in regards to this festival i put so much faith into.

so i have already written about the first two days. i thought having gotten over what was warned to be the two most busy days my days would start to get better... some spectacular networking would get done but that wasn't the case.

i'm going to summarize as best as i can: the festival was about bringing black films to a central location and creating hype, discussions, etc. and while that did happen and people who actually attended the festival got a lot out of it i stayed behind the scenes for most of the time. this was fine but i sat around and waited to help people if need be. the thing was the festival was ran ridiculously well so there weren't a lot of times for me to step in and really sweat and get dirty in the whole swing of things. i felt kinda useless and displaced. i sat and did things by myself a lot and it got really lonely quickly. people kept calling me the wrong names...i was trish for most of the weekend and at times the only folks that even 'saw' me or attempted a smile were the cleaning staff.

i realized just how lonely hollywood really is. people reserve their smiles for the big dogs and that is a sad sad thing. i wanted to cry sometimes...i didn't know why i was there....what purpose i served...i didn't feel like my spirit was really recognized and part of that was me. i don't usually shrink under pressure but i did. i felt small and i became small...no one noticed me and that was pretty much how the weekend went. (this isn't good if you're trying to be an actress...someone with a supposed it factor)

this blog is about reflections and luckily there's a good ending.

so saturday night was hard. i tried to sit in a viewing of "waiting to exhale" because some of the actresses from the movie would be doing a Q and A session afterwards...right as angela bassett started to discuss how she started acting i was plucked from the audience to help with an emergency. i ended up holding a back board for the press' red carpet (if you look behind the actors on red carpets, you'll always see a sponsor's name or the name of the party, etc.). so basically, loretta, angela and lela stood on the other side of what i held up. i could hear them laughing and see the flashes going off and it hit me that i was on the other side of the red carpet...desperately wanting to move to the front. if i didn't have photographers laughing at what i was doing i probably would have broke down and cried.

i went home shortly after that, exhausted out of my mind, only to find out that my car was overheating. i chugged up laurel canyon (i think i can i think i can) and made it home thankfully and passed out...didn't even think about the car..the day...i couldn't even process it all. i just went to bed.

the next morning a charlie horse (sent from God i think) woke me at 6:30 am which was great because it took me a really long time to walk to the store, buy some coolant, learn how to put in coolant lol and get rolling for work. i washed the dirt from underneath my fingernails and put on a happy smile. sunday began.

because it was the last day of the festival all the staff met up early in the morning. a prayer was said and some of the team members shared their positive experiences. i sat there and cried. not because i related to them and the feelings they had (made great friends, made great contacts,etc) but because i hadn't experienced any of it. i felt bad because i didn't feel like i was a good enough volunteer...didn't feel like i had gotten the chance to work hard enough...i didn't feel like i had networked beneficially and it just left me feeling really desolate and lost.

it was during my last day, during my moments of solitude sitting in the back room alone that i started processing what i had learned.

1.) i had to be the master of my own destiny
2.) that i would never be ok with myself if i treated people "hollywood"...everyone deserves a smile and some sort of human acknowledgment. (i spoke to holly robinson peete and niecy nash and they're both the real deal...what you see on tv is what you get...genuinely nice and so i know it can be done.)

ok so the master of the destiny thing was troubling me...here i was sitting in a room alone, no acting contacts to speak of...but then it hit me that i had woken up, fixed my dang car and just accepted the drama and worked through it. i figured i should do the same for my acting career and things started to look up.

i was asked to help out with a project and produced some sweat quickly. i worked hard to help someone out and then got ready for the closing ceremony in 20 minutes. that's when a girl got emotional. so the closing film was a documentary called "the black list", an HBO film so look out for it on HBO!!! it was thought provoking, emotional, interesting, entertaining and honest. basically it embodied what i thought a film festival should be: a place where art exists and passion flourishes in film's form. my heart swells with pride when i see people doing what they do best and being praised for it. there was endless clapping after interviewees would finish their segments...folks like toni morrison and slash from guns n' roses spoke of their life experiences being black and i just connected again with my dream.

their words inspired me. the creators of the documentary inspired me and at that point the film festival inspired me. i started to glow. i met a woman making a documentary that pertains to something i've gone through in my life. we exchanged information and hopefully i'll be able to give some info to that project. i made an acting connect with an actress out here in la. eriq la salle took me aside, grabbed my hand and said he just had to tell me i was elegant and then i really started glowing. : ) once i feel like i've gotten my message and my path is a little clearer i glow. if mr la salle is paying me a compliment for standing out in a room of beautiful women then i'm not a hopeless wallflower case and that's good...i may be "trish" now but some day folks are gonna remember what my name is!!!

yesterday i went to coffee bean to get a chai tea latte and i read this quote on a coffee mug:

" Just when the caterpillar thought it's life was over, it turned into a butterfly."

this quote is a part of me now. something in me just clicked. it may be a while before i'm the talent sitting up on the stage at the next american black film festival BUT it will happen.

at one point in the weekend, one of the guest actresses mentioned how wrong it is to let creativity go unused...she said something about that energy wondering lost in the universe for thousands of years after you've passed. it broke my heart to think about that. i can't let that happen now can i?

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