the life of a struggling actress

life is bullying me lately.

yesterday i received a troubling phone call from a total hollywood type...reminding me i have an agent that does nothing for me (just in case i forgot what nothing looked like) and how i missed out on yet another season of pilot auditions.

today i woke up with a fire inside of me. i signed back up for actors access--this web site you post your head shot and agency info on (casting directors go to it and look for get the gist.) i researched theater troupes, i wrote my old acting coach and got some tips on how to get a manager to fall under my spell and scoop me up as a client, i emailed a girl i know who's a famous actor's personal assistant (her boss is represented by the manager i want.--kimberly elise's current manager). i researched improv workshops i'm going to take (i found one with a guy that was actually in the movie the guy i'm currently doing table reads with wrote.) i'm following the felt like a sign. i wrote the pasadena playhouse and asked them about upcoming non-equity plays, i wrote my modeling agent and asked about a deal or no deal modeling opportunity i should be put up for (at least in my opinion lol). i wrote my agent and asked him some theater questions about submitting ones' self...but alas all of this...i still feel like i'm not asking the right questions, putting the right things in my resume...auditioning for the right parts. auditioning period!!!

i don't know ya'll...i was sitting at lunch, clearly down on myself and a friend started telling me i just need to accept what is in front of me and stop trying to fight against it...the thing is, i don't feel like i'm doing anything required to break into the business. my biggest challenge to date is my own ignorance. i don't have a clue my friends. not one clue. i wish i could have gone to college and learned how to survive and maneuver thru the world of acting. how do you exist there? how do you get in? who's got the key?

i have a guy friend that jokes around about the casting couch but deep down all of that really hurts. this is an incredibly lonely, incredibly challenging, incredibly humbling life. maria shriver just did an interview in O magazine and she discussed how her career was her identity and what it felt like when she lost it. i was waiting for words to ease my self-discontent but they never came. the woman has lots of money and a good family name--her husband's always gonna be proud of her no matter what...duh.

i figure my new plan of attack is to try to find out new information every day and just keep asking people to take me...who knows...persistence never hurt anyone.

ugh. is all of this draining you as much as it drains me? sorry!!! i just have to get it out of me...i'm torn up enough inside without dumping in even more worrisome thoughts.

time to read some more eckhart tolle!!!


  1. It's been a rough week. Up, down, up down. But it's good. All part of the journey, and girl, you are hustlin it.

    Put your line out there, you never know who might bite!

    ...didn't mean for that to sound dirty. lol.

  2. baby dont worry u gone make it, just dont forget me when u famous ok

  3. I am so greatful to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah for turning me onto Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor and her beautiful book ""My Stroke of Insight"". Her story is amazing and her gift to all of us is a book purchase away I'm happy to say.

    Dr Taylor was a Harvard brain scientist when she had a stroke at age 37. What was amazing was that her left brain was shut down by the stroke - where language and thinking occur - but her right brain was fully functioning. She experienced bliss and nirvana and the way she writes about it (or talks about it in her now famous TED talk) is incredible.

    What I took away from Dr. Taylor's book above all, and why I recommend it so highly, is that you don't have to have a stroke or take drugs to find the deep inner peace that she talks about. Her book explains how. ""I want what she's having"", and thanks to this wonderful book, I can! Thank you Dr. Taylor, and thank you Eckhart and Oprah.


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