and sometimes it's scary

4.10.2008
i'm really trying hard to not be, but the thought of surgery scares me.

the doctor's office called today to make sure i booked it so next friday i'll be on my way to finding out what this mass is all about. after i got off the phone with them i calmly emailed my two best buds and my mom and told them the day and all that good stuff and that was that. i walked out to my car and i heard the birds chirping and thought to myself should i hold on to all of this and although that sounds so dramatic, it was a natural question that kinda popped up.

j called right at that moment and we had a good cry and then i was better. j's my soul mate...i think we were both waiting for the other person to say it was ok to be upset for a minute.

so yeah, i'm not ashamed to be scared of surgery, i'm not even ashamed i cried, i just feel weird that i'm just now realizing i have no control over how this all turns out. i can control how i act thru out the whole process and that's about it.
all of this includes owning up to my feelings without allowing them to get entirely out of silly control. (i seriously believe there's a balance.)

so yeah i've sent some texts and i plan to write a bunch in my journal...i feel like it's as good a time as ever to really put the truth out there and be cool with it. why not...

this is one of those life moments where i'm really supposed to pay attention and see what my character's really made of. i think you can be scared and still rock adversity. what do you think?

(it's either that or i just let time keep pulling me thru the motions. either way i'm getting there.)

4 comments:

  1. tish, it's okay to break down. Know that I'm thinking of you, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You can totally be scared and rock adversity at the same time. That's what most "strong" people do, they just don't always fess up to be scared ishless. You're brave my dear. And, this too, shall pass.

    Probably with a few more tears though! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tishy, I'm saying a prayer for you today and hope all turns out well. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete

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