I ran across this clever word while reading and I can't get the idea out of my head…
Pentimento for all you word nerds is the part of a painting hidden beneath the surface of the paint; an artist's first try.
The wheels in my head started churning immediately….the beauty of a first try.
In regards to relationships I feel like it's every single person's dream to find someone who's brave enough to let you uncover the rough drafts we all started out with. Life happens and before we know it we've created adult facades; so far from the pencil outlines we started out with. Heartbreaks turn into thick brush strokes and before you know it you're looking at someone sitting across from you at a restaurant with a nasty mean wall. I am the queen of hooking up with people boxed in by walls. I don't know what that says about me (please no freud talk ). There's one in particular I've been talking to for years. It's never been anything serious but that didn't stop me from breaking down the other day when I found out just how closed off he really was. The whole time we've joked and kidded, caught up and dropped off the guy was going thru some of the worst tragedies you can think of and I never had a clue. Darn walls…there's nothing worse than looking at a beautiful picture of an ocean only to learn that it was supposed to be someone's face or something and the artist just made a boo boo and colored it all in with blue…all the darn metaphors just to say it sucks to find out ya never really knew what you were really lookin' at.
Last weekend I met this guy that seems pretty cool and I started wondering about his walls—and mine…dating gets more and more interesting I tell you. the longer I'm single the more terrified I become of not finding one's pentimento…or worse, finding it and not knowing what to do with it once I've uncovered it.
I will admit I have "you're single tish!" on the brain just about all the time (I'm still on the keepin' it real phase) and I know this is lame but my stinkin' brain can't hang with rational thoughts telling me there's more to life than who's holding onto your hand. Luckily my brain is big enough to hold all that mumbo jumbo and still make time for other more important thoughts such as my living and existence out here in la.
I wonder what stage of the painting I'm in, in regards to acting and my livelihood... is this year, year 2.5 in la still considered the first try? Or did that start moons ago when I began this crazy quest as a kid? I've gotten to a point where I see folks doing what I want to do and just crying inside wondering if I'm ever gonna make it out of this weird limbo I'm currently in.
I dreamed the other night I was on set filming and it was so real…I can still remember the fun I felt—the jokes I shared with costars…how complete I felt. I did not want to wake up…I was so sad Sunday morning when I opened my eyes. I couldn't wait to go back to sleep that night…if I could live in that dream forever I'd tell you I wouldn't mind never waking up. I actually could relate to Kanye's lyrics at the Grammys, "Last night I saw you in my dreams/ Now I can't wait to go to sleep. ... This life, this here, this Grammys, all of this is all a dream/ My real life, it starts when I go to sleep."
I guess the lesson learned is I have to appreciate what happens in that first stage…there's forgotten integrity there to hang on to; the first intentions, the infinite pools of hope and the happiness that comes from an optimistic blank canvas-- thirsty for an impending masterpiece. Getting back to basics never looked so promising…