what a tangled web we weave

1.29.2008
oh how horrible writer's block is.




i don't know what's up with me lately but i just haven't been able to verbalize my life as of late. it's kind of scary...what's a drama queen gonna do without drama? somehow my discussions with my best friend today lit a fire inside me and now i have some very important issues to discuss.



the main theme today my friends is saying what you mean: finding peace with your own truths



this can apply to so many things. in my case it specifically applies to two issues i discussed today with friends. the first being the lies we create and thus become in romantic relationships. we don't realize that the lies we create to protect are in all actuality the very things that destroy.



case in point: my friend had to tell his partner a hard truth that will more than likely end the relationship but he knew there was no point in lying about his truths...basically he didn't want his partner to wake up 10 years later, wonder who in the heck he was and then promptly leave him. it sounds like a no brainer but i know countless people that wear a mask in order to present their wished-for best self for the crush they're voo-dooing. i realize we can't always be strong enough to be vulnerable for everyone but if you're pullin a fast one over the one you supposedly love you're creating some hole honey!



.. a never ending tiresome facade that personally, i don't ever want to create again...oh yes, i was a boyfriend pleaser for many moons...inevitably my truths would start to leak out when i was comfortable (yeah i guess i do passionately want to be married some day and have children...oh yeah i do have to move to la no matter what...i look just swell in the morning after sleeping with my face shoved in a pillow...i can be weak...i'm not always the fun girl--sometimes i cry so hard it hurts...i'm scared i won't make it, that people will never see me as a talented individual and look at me as just another star-crazed chick).



they say the truth sets you free...lol. the truth is living a lie keeps people from finding happiness...you live in constant fear the truth will come out.



this lovely theme popped up in another interesting situation. i read the most annoying verbal rant today that seriously came out of nowhere. after reading it a couple of times and learning there was some passive aggressive hostility hovering in the background i soundly deducted that the issue wasn't the subject the rant was directed towards but rather, a certain someone that felt strongly for the subject at hand. it got me to thinking...how many social commentaries, political points of view, interviews, etc. have i read in my lifetime that were lies....basic passive aggressive commentaries masking as intelligent somewhat rational opinions?



it boggles my mind. i mean i realize i've probably done just that in the past...i'm quite passive aggressive (ha another truth about me!) but bare with me as i live my 'aha moment' as oprah would say and realize the different causes of bubble lies. (those little thinking bubbles that would appear if we lived in a cartoon to educate the reader on what's really going down in the frame) we lie because we fear loneliness. check. we lie because we're passive aggressive and fear the rejection of telling someone what's really up. check. ipso facto, we lie because we're afraid...hmmm



so what has the young grasshopper learned from all of this? the next time i catch myself telling a tall tale i might just have to check myself and figure out what the heck i'm scared of...really.



i understand my passive aggressive self is pretty strong and i'm pretty lazy. there will be moments when i say i'm fine or what not but then forget to call someone back because basically i'm pissed off (lol) and don't really feel like gettin' into something that i know will pass BUT that's something i have to deal with...drawing lines between what's a livable little lie and what's a whack whopper that's gonna whoop me down the road is my battle. yours too i guess.



i just found it interesting that people were bamboozling all the gosh darn time. hoodwinked i tell you...



lesson learned: don't believe everything you read...unless it's my blog because obviously i've taken on the task of living my truths...and i ain't got nothing to be passive aggressive about. my blog did nothing wrong.

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