the beauty in a blister

I was working out this morning-dark and cold outside-news blaring (definitely focused on the outside world) when I had this moment…My senses were heightened and I could feel everything inside me, the blood pulsing thru my veins, the sweat forming on my brow, the quickened breaths… It felt good.

Nothing lasts forever though. just when I was feeling like a work out rock star mr blister popped up…It tore into the heel of my left foot and I couldn't help but squint with pain "I'm a soldier I'm a soldier, just get thru it Tish!"

After limping back to my place and taking off the kicks I saw what I had dreaded… my own little badge of pain, proof I'd been doing the darn thing and beating my poor body up. Only disappointed for a moment though... the truth is blisters remind me of my real dad. When I was a wee one, no more than 4, I got a blister from my new church shoes so my dad plopped me down in the bathtub and began pouring alcohol on the blisters. (If you're not screaming out "ouch!" right now then you've led a sheltered pain-free life.) I screamed bloody murder. My dad started laughing at me and said oops, should have used peroxide and that was that…

I have very few memories of my father so I hang on to as many as I can…painful or not. Funny enough, it's caused me to look at blisters a little differently.

I wonder if boo boos and ouchies are God's way of helping us mark a certain point in our life worth remembering…little signs that can come back and remind us of a time we need to remember in that one instance. Maybe not the painful accident itself but the surrounding moments instead. Like for instance, I will forever have these nasty little scars on my right hand fingers because I was a dorky 'special' child that went out riding my bike one night with a cast already on my wrist… Something got caught in my wheel and I went flying out into the street—Van ran right over it. When I look at my painfully ugly scars I don't remember the pain of having a 2 ton minivan on my hand. Rather, I think of the fact that I was this crazy kid that stayed out until dark time riding my bikes with friends, that I looked like a mummy for 4 wks while the wounds healed and how I was given a special title by my elementary school (most accident prone). Scars are great memory markers…

I kinda like the idea…painful optimism has reached new forms.

this blogs for her

There's just something about my interactions with my best bud that keep me going..she's the energizer bunny of good vibes and gosh darn it this blogs for her!

As a kid I remember being cursed with the gift of "threes a crowd". Every friend I had, had a best friend also so there was always three, always someone favoring one thus pitting one against the other…it seriously sucked and I couldn't wait to find a best friend that didn't play silly games.

Lucky for me, i moved to Missouri and ran into this goofy redhead in my gym class—the only girl that didn't sit around asking me to say certain words with a twang ( I was the token texas kid). We've been joined at the brain ever since.

It is uncanny how close j and i are. I realize there's no such thing as someone that can be everything to someone but she comes pretty darn close...the distance thing deters us a bit but it's minute. I like having someone I can tell everything to, someone who listens to my guy gripes, giggles at my often nerdy jokes, seems to be on the same emotional rollercoaster at the very same times that I am…it's grand! we know the ins and outs of each others' ticking brains which comes in handy when you're in mixed company.

B and I were just discussing today that society brainwashes us into believing our spouses are supposed to be our everything…if you can find such a spouse then you're a lucky lucky person but most aren't. That's when ya have to realize having a best bud is the perfect win win situation…unconditional love and support times two (if you're hitched that is)

I was watching an episode of satc the other day. one of the ladies asked the gang if they could be each others' soul mates and let the guys be a bonus. I'm guessing there are others out there that can relate to my friend luv chats.

I think there should be a national friend day personally…Trust that when I make it she gets a HUGE shout out on oscar night for being so great!

Gracias j"red", "one" and j "that'swhat'sup". You're just swell and "I value your friendship!!!"

what a tangled web we weave

oh how horrible writer's block is.

i don't know what's up with me lately but i just haven't been able to verbalize my life as of late. it's kind of scary...what's a drama queen gonna do without drama? somehow my discussions with my best friend today lit a fire inside me and now i have some very important issues to discuss.

the main theme today my friends is saying what you mean: finding peace with your own truths

this can apply to so many things. in my case it specifically applies to two issues i discussed today with friends. the first being the lies we create and thus become in romantic relationships. we don't realize that the lies we create to protect are in all actuality the very things that destroy.

case in point: my friend had to tell his partner a hard truth that will more than likely end the relationship but he knew there was no point in lying about his truths...basically he didn't want his partner to wake up 10 years later, wonder who in the heck he was and then promptly leave him. it sounds like a no brainer but i know countless people that wear a mask in order to present their wished-for best self for the crush they're voo-dooing. i realize we can't always be strong enough to be vulnerable for everyone but if you're pullin a fast one over the one you supposedly love you're creating some hole honey!

.. a never ending tiresome facade that personally, i don't ever want to create again...oh yes, i was a boyfriend pleaser for many moons...inevitably my truths would start to leak out when i was comfortable (yeah i guess i do passionately want to be married some day and have children...oh yeah i do have to move to la no matter what...i look just swell in the morning after sleeping with my face shoved in a pillow...i can be weak...i'm not always the fun girl--sometimes i cry so hard it hurts...i'm scared i won't make it, that people will never see me as a talented individual and look at me as just another star-crazed chick).

they say the truth sets you the truth is living a lie keeps people from finding live in constant fear the truth will come out.

this lovely theme popped up in another interesting situation. i read the most annoying verbal rant today that seriously came out of nowhere. after reading it a couple of times and learning there was some passive aggressive hostility hovering in the background i soundly deducted that the issue wasn't the subject the rant was directed towards but rather, a certain someone that felt strongly for the subject at hand. it got me to many social commentaries, political points of view, interviews, etc. have i read in my lifetime that were lies....basic passive aggressive commentaries masking as intelligent somewhat rational opinions?

it boggles my mind. i mean i realize i've probably done just that in the past...i'm quite passive aggressive (ha another truth about me!) but bare with me as i live my 'aha moment' as oprah would say and realize the different causes of bubble lies. (those little thinking bubbles that would appear if we lived in a cartoon to educate the reader on what's really going down in the frame) we lie because we fear loneliness. check. we lie because we're passive aggressive and fear the rejection of telling someone what's really up. check. ipso facto, we lie because we're afraid...hmmm

so what has the young grasshopper learned from all of this? the next time i catch myself telling a tall tale i might just have to check myself and figure out what the heck i'm scared of...really.

i understand my passive aggressive self is pretty strong and i'm pretty lazy. there will be moments when i say i'm fine or what not but then forget to call someone back because basically i'm pissed off (lol) and don't really feel like gettin' into something that i know will pass BUT that's something i have to deal with...drawing lines between what's a livable little lie and what's a whack whopper that's gonna whoop me down the road is my battle. yours too i guess.

i just found it interesting that people were bamboozling all the gosh darn time. hoodwinked i tell you...

lesson learned: don't believe everything you read...unless it's my blog because obviously i've taken on the task of living my truths...and i ain't got nothing to be passive aggressive about. my blog did nothing wrong.

girl power

a while back i did this phenomenal workshop with a dear friend of mine that helped put me in focus mentally speaking. it reminded me to be thankful of the person i am and the person i strive to be. at the end of the work shop we had to put all of these goals in a calendar-activities if you will-that would help us out more. one of my goals was to start back up my slumber party nights with my gal pals. last night was my first official slumber party of the new year and it was awesome. : )

the day was just great...i woke up and worked out, hung with my girl on melrose, made the most interestingly moist cupcakes i've ever produced and then the night began...

i had a small group this time--all strategically invited because they're all so different and don't really know each other. i figured it can't hurt to learn new perspectives and learn new people ; )

we all ate yummy bad-for-us pizza, had some cupcakes (they were really brave for scarfin those things down), and then we got to business. pj's were a must and with faces freshley washed we put on our masks and parked our behinds in front of the living room tv to begin watching flicks. the movies ended up being interesting choices "lovely & amazing" i wouldn't recommend for slumber about neurotic women...(you want to empower at these types of things remember) lol...all in all it was great though and everyone seemed to have a good time.

after the last of the girls left this morning i started the clean up process and then had some time to reflect on the good times. if you haven't noticed my energy levels have been boo boo lately...a night like that was JUST what i needed to recharge my batteries...i could have done without the 6th cupcake and the 4th slice of pizza but whatev.

sometimes i do the most random things that end up helping me out so much...when i made the goal to have more slumber parties never in a million years did i think i'd need them for sanity purposes...just thought i could use the fun...but need it i did and enjoy it i most certainly did.

big shout out to my best bud j too...maybe it was her contagious birthday spirit that drifted out here to the west coast, who knows, but i got the best kick in the pants : ) i totally recommend hosting a slumber party once in your life...make your girls bring the blankets and pillows ya'll...pj's, fun food...THE WORKS! it's the best medicine for the blahs.

girl power!!!

anything’s possible, everything’s inspiring

like i assume most people are i can't be totally sure, totally confident about my future 24/7. there are some days where i wake up and i know some day i'm going to be a phenomenal actress and i'm on the right path. other times i let my immediate surroundings unleash their realities on me and i can't see past my tiny apartment and student was kind of a middle of the road day.

i basically got thru work without any major annoyances and was able to come home and chill out. turns out oprah's show today was about this year's oscar nominees. i watched ruby dee talk about her first oscar nomination ever...(83 years old now), other actors discuss how the prepared for their roles and one woman from "gone baby gone" tell the audience that it was her first movie role as well as nomination. anything's possible and everything's inspiring today.

this doesn't happen every time i watch an actor being interviewed takes phenomenal performances, heart shattering moments of emotion to stir my inspirational pot and today it just happened to start simmering. oh i can't wait to unleash the beast. can't wait i can't wait! a guy asked me today what my back up plan was...sigh. some people...have NO idea what their questions can do to a gal.

sometimes i think it's the scariest move i can make and the most necessary...that is when i live in a world filled with hope that i'll be on oprah's stage some day soon amongst the greats discussing how i prepared for a role, how it feels to actually get to live out my dream. it's life least mine anyways. ; )

ya'll watch out when i visit chicago this march!!! ya better watch her show...ya never know  ; )

does anyone else?

does any one else feel like they did the day aaliyah died? shocked beyond belief when yet another young actor passed away?

i don't care if i didn't know the guy...there's just something so wrong about heath ledger passing...

it's left this weird sad feeling with me all day. young hollywood is so scary right now...the lack of control is unreal and alarmingly tragic.

i really can't say anything else...


i may have been in some weird uber girl funk as of late but you're a silly fool if you think you could leave my page without getting an actual blog of substance on a day like today.

the essential question asked today was, "what did you do to celebrate the man with the dream". my response is, "i cried".

back in college i had a good friend that dj'ed for the university radio station. on mlk day i'd follow him into the studio and sit on the floor with tons of records helping him decide what songs to play, what questions to pose to encourage listener dialog. it was great stuff. i felt like i was really apart of the community, commemorating one of the most significant american legacies we have as a people.

unfortunately, i don't have access to the radio waves anymore but this year i felt it all the same. i can't lie, the day started out in true tish fashion. i had a gang of movies and shows to catch up on so i did just that...chatted with friends, asked them what they were doing to commemorate, etc. but then i turned on oprah and watched the special she had on and that's when the tears came. i took a moment to sit back and think about that beautiful struggle that led to the freedoms i have today...i wouldn't be here if weren't for people like mildred jeter and richard perry loving (loving v virginia--look it up), rosa, emmitt till's mama, dr. king...

we as media driven nuts tend to search and seek the worst in society....we know just how corrupt and out of control our communities are--the gravity of it all overshadows other positives in many instances. when was the last time you saw a hopeful headline on the cover page of your town's newspaper?

days like today remind you to fight to see the positive...heck to make the positive... this time last year i'd write that we lack the leadership we had back then...but this is a new year with leaders poppin out of the wood work (thank you God for men like barack obama...) all hope isn't lost...and that is why i cried. my great grandma can see first hand that what her, her friends and her family struggled for was not in vain.

happy belated birthday mlk

a couple of suggestions off the top of my head if you're feeling the knowledge bug :

growing up x

incidents in the life of a slave girl


i dream a world

to kill a mockingbird

(film: eyes on the prize)

any of langston hughes poems

or just google the mess out of the civil rights era...if you want to know where you're going you first have to know where you've been...that applies to and for everyone.

split second on the tube

part 1 of my quick and fleeting appearance on the young and the restless aired today. ah so humbling to see a poof of hair and then a POOF of gone's all so humbling.

last night i went to a club down on sunset for some actor's birthday was there....among other short little men sitting up in v.i.p. while the girls waited patiently for a finger nod. it's all so humbling...everyone says that i have to get out and network, meet people but that's dating guy in the industry that hangs in the clubs is looking to talk business. i had short little self-important men lookin at me like i was just one of the gals...this is a man's world

all i know is oprah wasn't partaking in bottle service to get ahead...or julia lol...i think i'll have to reserve dancing and such for friend enjoyment purposes only...

leave the acting break thrus to my little baby steps i have going on right now.

push it good

so today was a nasty narly shooting venom angry at the world kind of day. i just wasn't feelin' the lonely look...wasn't good dawg. my girl j texted me and i just started shooting off at the mouth talking about how i'm the default life in other people's lives...when they're not busy when they're bored, blah blah blah they call me up and i'm sick of it cuz most folks nowadays have fams and boyfriends and i'm left twiddling my thumbs and i was tired...sorry j. you're my best friend so it's either i talk and vent or shut myself up into a tishy conundrum of nasty and you never hear from me at all.

so i went on a hike even though i was stood up by a coworker (grrr) and then i couldn't decide if i really wanted to go to this ku watch party alone but i did just because i knew i needed to get out of the apt and it was the best decision i could have made. the game was fantastic (we won of course) but i was still in my tishy little shell, chillin with my beer and nachos (oh yes i'm a classy broad). after the game ended a couple of people that i've seen around (remember from college but never hung with) started buzzin about going to this other bar down off of santa monica blvd and they were pressuring me to come. my girl looked me straight in the eye and told me i had to just push myself to be out...just push it real good (salt n' pepa song's stuck in your head huh?) so i said what the heck and went and i had the BEST time. we ended up at barney's beanery. there was the birthday boy lyle (i gave him the nickname lovett--original right?) he's this really cute dreamy typical kansas cutie, tall dark hair and blue eyes, my girl maria who organizes all the ku events, my favorite gay couple in the world, ethel (my new token asian gal pal) & her partner courtney, (favorite quote of the night, "I'M GAY") and some of the birthday boy's buds. turns out almost everyone at the table is in the industry some how...there was even this chick who does fashion pr who i remember double dated with me and this guy i dated a million years ago my freshwoman year of college (marlon, j lol...hee hee). one person was a personal asssistant (works with scrubs--small world), a tv sitcom director, some commercial casting was nice ;) ku connections...that's what i'm talking about.

we seriously sat around for hours talking about bigotry and racism, fav films for the year, tom cruise and his crazy cult, chinese number puzzles lol...don't ask me to remember the name of this ish among other things...just one of those great nights that could have never happened if i would have stayed home and pouted about being alone in the world. sometimes i guess i do need a push. the funny thing is once i got out my phone started blowing up...friends callin' out the wazoo and even my little youngin' big d started playing the cute phone text game (the boy is just too dreamy to let go!)

a good laugh with folks that aren't obsessed with verbiage like "we and us" was just what this gal needed. i'm sorry my lovely friends in great and loving relationships if you think i'm a witch...i still love you...i just need specific doses of you when i'm going thru this particular stage of singlehood known as the one year realization. : )

at least i'm honest! who wants a pollyanna "being single is swell" friend...ugh. that's just lame. i'm keepin' it real...and pushin it....pushin' it real good

sound the trumpets

my last blog still has me feeling like all of this bloggin busy is silly and unnecessary but the silly unnecessary girl in me just has to point out that today is the 1 year anniversary of me being voldemort void (aka single)

i was sitting in a staff meeting yesterday and someone said something about the 19th and it just clicked. trumpets sounded. this is momentous news for a terrible serial monogamist like myself...used to be i'd jump from one mistake to another BUT i have broken the cycle. a year is impressive. i know there are some silly mortals that thought i'd go back to my old ways. gloria gaynor said it best i believe when she belted out an assured "no not i!"

so what will i do to celebrate? well i'm glad you asked that my friend. i think i just might revel in more single-ness. i got up this morning and went for a hike, then went to the grocery store and treated myself to a lovely naked green machine drink and now i think i'm gonna clean up my bedroom and then go back and forth on watching the ku vs mu basketball game. do i really want to drive all the way to frickin hollywood (15 minutes) to sit in a bar with a bunch of ku peeps? hmmm.

happy 1 year anniversary tishy

ps. if you think this is a happy blog you're whack

family ties

perspective changes everything.

writing about nothing for the sake of being entertaining seems frivilous and pointless when you learn that a dear friend's in pain.

i was just thinking of this person today...and turns out he just lost his mom...i lost a parent 17 years ago and i still don't know what to say or what words of advice to offer. there's not much you really can say to someone when they lose something that important...our parents...we take advantage of their presence so often. just today i was scolding my mo for meddling in my love life. you think after losing one i'd wisen up but it's easy to get lost in the mumbo jumbo. perspective changes everything.

my friend's mom was at his wedding...that's what keeps running thru my head...she got to see her son marry the love of his life...somehow that just makes me cry harder though.

it's so easy to get caught up in life, so easy to forget just how powerful and wonderful our family ties are... maybe that's what i'd say. we have this crazy connection to the ones who made us...even after they pass they're always with us. sometimes when i'm alone and still i get this feeling and somehow i just know my dad is in the room with me and it's a good feeling...they never really leave for real.'s hard when you can't get out the magic words to make the hurt go away though... i don't feel like i'm saying what i'm supposed to say, what i need to say or want to say to get across the point. i just want to take out my heart and give it to him... 17 years later i'm still searching for those damn words.

spotted dick

don't you love outragious subject titles that draw your readers in?

i found this little coffee shop in my neighborhood today with bree that is owned by this cute little english woman. she serves beans on toast and nutella and has a shelf of english goods that you couldn't find at your local grocery spot, including some can of something called spottted dick. cheeky english folk...i tell ya what

i woke up promptly this morning at 7 am and decided i'd go on a hike. it about killed my arse...2 months of nada can hurt a sista! i was seriously thanking my lungs for holding out.

after that i was just inspired to be out so i went to the farmer's market and had a blast...bought fresh flowers, two huge ginormous tomatoes that are beautiful...were (i've just devoured one as a snack) and some blood oranges...mmm. i love the farmer's market...the people that flock to it are uber cool looking, the cool yuppy hippies....yippies if you will. it's great.

by the time i was down with the market it was 9 am lol so i decided to text a bud (she probably hated me this morning) and had her come out and have java with me (hence the english coffee shop mentioned previously) so we went. i had a chai tea yummy blend thingy and some yogurt,fruit granola mix. we sat in the window and people watched and listed out some creative ideas for a gift i'm working on. it was a really great morning i must say.

i feel like i've done a ridiculous amount of things today and it's only 4. now it's time to clean up the ole room and chill for the rest of the day...let the good times marinate.

p.s. i saw p.s. i love you again lol...if you haven't seen that movie yet you really should. it's swell.

poetic necessity

ah to have poetic necessities...

a good chai or cinnamon tea, a lazy saturday afternoon complete with a cardigan and chucks, movies at the arc and good books . these are the days of my lives.

i was supposed to be an extra on a movie set today but alas i never got that omnipotent email giving time and location. it has become a weekend of acting oh no's. the young and the restless called thursday but alas i've decided i 'm not gonna become the background allstar. i met people on set that have been doing it for years and i don't want to get sucked in . i kindly explained to the casting director that i can't really take off a lot for background work but the bosses would be much more easy going if i was to take off for lets say an actual speaking part lol. (fascinate the greats in 2008 remember) i can't really be all that fascinating chillin upstage.

poetic necessities continued...meaningful work, a dvd player that comes with a remote control...what was i thinking with this little cheap thing?! and the knowledge that one day i'll have my darling little female bulldog (preferably a french one with bat ears) named petunia. my friends' puppy snafus have been scaring the crap out of me but i still think petunia would make an excellent poetic pleasure : )

last of the mohicans

i'm currently chillin in my bedroom with the radio blasting to the beats of talib...trying my hardest to drown out the sounds of infidelity coming from the room across the way.

not all love is wasted on the wrong though.

so my grammama friend sent me a text this morning saying we needed to talk soon...i've heard that one too many times lol i knew immediately that was code for "i'm engaged....AHHHH!" so i called her little behind and confirmed the good news. lol...i could feel the girl cheesin thru the phone.

seriously i'm rollin' up on being the last one...the single gal of the group and therefore the scary girl guys fear. lol. i couldn't help myself...had to do a little experiment with guy friends today just to see if my theory would ring true.

hypothesis: if female mentions to male that female's friend is getting married and female is the last one in her group, aforementioned male will begin to sweat and change subject immediately. he is aware that such chitter chatter may lead to girl drama...girl drama being anything from crying, "hold me", marry me, etc. male avoids any and all drama.

so i tell three of my male friends the good news. two say "hey that's cool" and then immediately begin to talk about other subjects (obama and music lol nice...they know these subjects will easily side track me) one guy friend gets brave and says "well what about you? you datin' anyone"...i say "na not really, i'm the last of the mohicans" he then asks me if i've seen juno. lol...

i haven't yet ; )

butt twitchings

I love to say my butt twitches. There are some phrases in the English language that are great conversation starters. I thank meg ryan and kevin kline for that particular phrase. I can attribute some of my quirkiness to them no doubt.

With that background out of the way I would like to list some things that make my butt twitch…just for kicks and giggles.

talk of butt worms. Yesterday my best bud j told me about an episode of oprah she had watched. The topic was this nasty little worm that supposedly you can pick up from being barefoot. The worm crawls in between your toes, then crawls into your butt when you sleep at night…then it comes out of your hole and lays its eggs. If you are ever curious and want to know if you indeed have these lovely little worms you're supposed to put tape over your hole and if there are little eggs on it in the morning you're a nasty s.o.b. lol…how incredibly horrific is that?! are you kidding me? there are many gross things I can handle but that definitely goes down as butt twitchable.

the fact that ellen from the ryan seacrest radio show I listen to while brushing my teeth in the mornings could not pronounce barack obama's name correctly. Um…his name was a popular topic a while back and since he's now one of the big dogs running for a little thing called the presidency I just assume folks in the media no less should be able to avoid silly guffaws like "bear-ick" obama. Sigh…butt twitch!

folks that approach me about what I should be doing with my acting career. If more classes were the golden ticket to acting I'd be there folks. I'll do me. you do you. when I first arrived in la I was waited on by a guy who had trained in Shakespeare at some fancy schmancy school on the east coast…and he was my waiter at BJ's. lets think about that for a minute…sadly it's not what you know in this business…it's who you know. twitch…

I'm still on the worms thing…twitch.

It's not all twitches and scowls but I figured it's always a good idea to purge the negative stuff to make more room for the good. for instance, I've begun to look at the brighter side…I had all those butt twitches and not one worm fell out. that's a positive if I've ever heard one!

(note from the author: twitch 3 relates in no way to any supportive friend that's offered sympathy and/or their positive suggestions. i hope no friends were hurt in the making of this blog...instead i am referring to all the obnoxious folks that already have their SAG cards, have landed great jobs, studied at so and so place but are still at the same acting workshop i'm in huffin & puffin)

elton john temper tantrums

please friends no that i am thankful you've stuck around thru my pouting and unGodly temper tantrums. seriously i feel like i should be singing that you lived your life like a candle in the wind or something because i have been shooting venom since sunday. (basically i've been behaving like a spoiled divo, aka elton john--the king of temper tantrums) lol

i can honestly say this has been the lowest i've ever sunk in regards to my take on my budding acting career. i've never cursed it as much as i have this week. i've never lashed out at my friends for helping me keep the dream alive (sorry i'm still in a cheesy elton mood). i guess it was inevitable i'd hit rock bottom and lose major hope. (funeral for a friend) i mean i've been sad and disappointed many a time but i've never questioned whether or not i should keep going. (goodbye yellow brick road) i seriously sat at my desk and asked myself what else i could try instead. i came up with nothing which lets me know this dream ain't quite done with me...i guess that's acceptable being it hasn't really begun so to speak. (don't let the sun go down on me)

i've just asked that my darling friends give me a couple of days to figure things out. i mean ya gotta cut me some slack. when i have a set back i have me and me alone to go home to and discuss...when push comes to shove, physically i gots no one in the corner (no valentines) so when my spirit is down and out it's extra hard to perk myself up. i come around...i always come around but hollywood is infamous for being a hot cookie to hold on to...these days are bound to happen. (it ain't gonna be easy)

today my character was questioned. someone thought i wasn't thankful for the acting favors they had set up for me and i wasn't in the best of places, mentally, to receive the accusations humbly. all this elton ranting just to say that this is hard and i'll have my days, i come with good intentions and when i'm strong i'm very cognizant of making sure my words match up with my actions. is it acceptable to apologize for future bad behavior? does that kind of defeat the purpose?

i know not but i have a feeling elton does it and gets away with it...that's my song and i'm stickin to it. i hope you don't mind...i hope you don't mind...

no witnesses to my doings

Whenever I'm lucky enough to be enraged but still cognizant I reach for chocolate…thank you psych 101 for teaching me the many powers of serotonin!

So yeah I'm eating a piece of dove chocolate and the stinker fortune they print in the inside of every wrapper says, "there's no excuse not to dream". I just want to crumple that stupid little piece of paper up and stick it up the writer's behind right now. Funny enough the next wrapper says "you look good in red"…what about you look good red? …I'm just plain ole angry today. I have a fowl nasty disposition and basically I'm just gonna sit here and boil and I don't care a rat's arse if I rub off on anyone.

I just don't get. Why do I only get to be happy about 1/3's of my life right? (my friends are the best) but that's seriously all I've got right now. (friends, career and family complete the equation, in case you were wondering) it's ALWAYS been that way too. I'm sooooo tired. I'm just tired. I feel like the little girl from the exercist right now…I just wanna spew all over the world lol. ew. Ok maybe not but it sounded good writing.

Either the chocolate is working or the lure of actually doing work at my actual job that I'll probably be at forever and ever amen is starting to sink in. sigh. Nothing substantial…I'm just a girl eating chocolate at a job that only pays attention to her when they need a stupid printer fixed…there are no witnesses to my doings.

a lesson

have you ever read the book, a lesson before dying? it's this powerful story written by ernest j. gaines that deals with a black man on trial. i can remember reading it as a high school kid and being haunted by the story...the tragedy and pain. you'd think i would have kept that in mind when i chose to watch a film i found in netflix called the autobiography of jane pittman--a movie based off of the book also written by mr. gaines.

the film quality is definitely circa '73 (i apologize cicely) but the story is just as powerful--just as haunting. i wonder why we don't have stories being written like this anymore...

i guess it's just a "watch something decent" kinda day cuz i'm recording a series on pbs tonight called "african american lives" that discusses dna testing--finding one's history and thus one's that changes a person once they know.

i feel like this movie i'm watching is another kind of background check. (just in case you don't have the cash right now to participate in some good ole fashioned double helix fun.)

sometimes i forget to tap back in...i was watching oprah today and she had guests on discussing shallow needs in our lives. i feel like living in los angeles makes it just that much easier to get caught up in the flashing lights folks seem to be rappin' about today...the show and this film helped me remember that there are much more important things in life for women (sorry boys i can't speak for ya'll) to think about and strive towards.

do i possess wisdom, courage, do i live a life that the women who came before me respect, admire and approve of...i hope so.

at the end of the movie you learn so many wonderful things about miss jane's strength...her similarities to the sister oak if you will...makes you wanna rethink wearing the pants that show off your booty to get some boy's attention...setting your self standards high right?

if you haven't seen this film yet i strongly encourage you to. it's not every day you watch characters on the tele that reminds us there's something great inside each and everyone of us...

now that we have the choice to make historical decisions in terms of who our next leader will be it's more important than ever to figure out what's important and where we fit within that question.

sliding doors

i'm sitting here on this grey sunday doing what i seem to do best...chillin in my bed watching flicks. sliding doors just happens to be on and yet again the issue of fate has popped into my noggin.

last night i went over to b's to watch premonition. her fam and her kept questioning choices made that they assumed changed the ending when i thought the theme was no matter what you do it's gonna end up as it should be.

same thing basically happened in this movie (yes, this was my first time seeing it and i only caught the last 20 minutes so i may be off a bit but i'm thinking i'm pretty much right).

for some reason i know my big whatever will happen no matter what...that being said or typed, i'll still have my big whatever even though this rain that i so loved only hours ago caused the film set i was supposed to go and dilly dally on tomorrow to close down. i'm a little bummed but i know what will be will be...sigh. i'm preparing to visit chicago in march for a dual birthday celebration with j...this just gives me one more day of vacation time...vacation time. this i'm so far away from where i want & need to be.

cursin' the rain & fate...i guess there's always a first time for everything though.

exposing one’s greatest self

Have you ever heard the phrase "never frown…you never know who's falling in love with your smile" or something like that…?

The same thing applies to being your greatest self in my opinion. Our iddy biddy actions can seriously cause some major ripples in other's lives…

Today I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when a woman approached me about some of my most recent strides in the acting world…I started talking to her about how I'm not really into the Hollywood scene and how I don't really see me changing all that much besides the fact that I'll have a stylist…a woman in our department who's infamous for her impeccable style. I'm sitting her gassin up my fashionista friend and the woman at my desk interrupts to say that she wants to be like me. Wha? Huh? Apparently she remembered me telling her once that I love to go see films by myself. (I love the surge of independence and freedom.)

So yeah she basically said that she wants to be that kind of girl. Crazy that some little tish quirk could be inspiring…Got me thinking of other people's quirks that I admire…like my fashionista's impeccable eye, or J's ability to write fantastic and captivating pieces…jazzing up subjects that normally wouldn't survive in the same relm of an entertaining category, B's ability to balance a horrible ex husband and raising her child in a sane environment...that takes mad patience and the ability to swallow one's pride on a daily basis…

New york's ability to break down socio-political stuff floating around us, my girl Laura's ability to sing a song and give me the image of glass. She sings so smooth it's sick!, EVR's woman-ness (the gal commands respect in her career and personal life), Chele's brain, Fat's confidence…I tap into these things...

Just goes to show that you should continue to do you…you never know who's falling in love with the world that marks your character.

rock chalk jayhawk!!!!

KU just won the Orange Bowl!!!! WOOOHOOOO!


(haven't been to a bowl game since '69. 24-21)

i mean come on...barack won iowa today...ku don't get much betta!!!

revolutionary petunia chat

so here's the gripe. (warning: feminism/womanism is about to break out)

so...i've been told three times in past relationships that i was selfish because i couldn't and wouldn't falter on going after my dreams...each of these guys thought flappin their jaws to the sounds of marriage would be enough for lil ole me to forget about any silly notions of an acting career. i won't lie. that ish hurt and still causes a twitch from time to time but overall those dudes were jokes.

now i have a new dilemma. what happens when guys i'm not even serious with start pullin' ish? here's the scenario. a guy friend (not even someone i date!) is coming into town, wants me to have dinner with him but this night just happens to be the same day i'll be on set of a will ferrell movie meeting the director...who my writer has currently been hyping me up to.

(ya'll didn't know i had hype folks that gas me up when need be?!)

so i tell this guy that it's more than likely not gonna be a good night for me and he throws a minor little pout my way. he squashed it quick don't get me wrong but for a minute i started to heat up. i told him when it comes to acting i can be an arse...nothing can get in my way and i know that may sound heartless and cold but damn no one would say a dang thing if i was a guy with the same drive and dedication.

i shouldn't have to sit there and explain that this is my future. that's bogus! ok i am a bit heated actually. why do i have to explain, apologize, do jack ish. if i say an acting thing has come up then you say bet we'll meet another time. it's not like i'm halle berry and have ample opportunities here...

in case i've been shy and haven't sufficiently explained my intentions for being in california, specifically los angeles i'm here for acting. i gave up my family time, my best friend time, a love, a possible marriage--basically a life for this and i'll be damned if you're gonna make me feel guilty cuz you feel like grubbin.

can a career-focused woman out there please give me some words for these types of folks cuz i seriously can't put it any other way?!!

ku football

tonight ku plays in their bowl game : )

brings a small tear to my eye. sometimes ya just gotta break away from the blahs so you can fully appreciate some good alma mater football!

partial realization

ok so i've somewhat figured out part of the funk. others may think i'm not husslin enough..that i'm not huffin but honestly i was doing a lot for me...have been for the last three years i've lived out's just been an intense period and now that my body is saying slow the heck down and do nothing i feel guilty and weird.

j was telling me a story and listing some of my accomplishments since moving out here and it was making me feel better and i didn't know if it was vanity for her braggin or what. deep down i just needed a list that would allow me to feel ok that i was sittin on my laurels for a bit.

i'm gonna eat good fatty food, i'm not gonna work out hard core like i was until i feel up to it and i'm not gonna bug my agent for awhile.

that's it. thought i'd share.

new perspective

i've had a couple of days off and i swear i've been way in my head. too much. to the point where i've started scowering the internet for some sort of entertainment to take my mind off the fact that i can't decide/do anything lately. it's so odd...i can't get up and DO anything...lethargic hermitting is never a good thing.

it's so odd...i finally got out today (that sounds so sad lol) to get my hair cut and for the first time i was gassin the stylist for stories...i just needed to hear someone talk and tell me something other than what was in my head (this was a first for me...usually i just want them to hush it while i zen out but hey new year, new tude) so anyways the lady tells me how she had a coworker read her 'the beans'...that same thing my gram had done to me as a kid. i started cracking up that someone out there knew...and didn't think of me or my gram as crazy. i was delighted.

i'm sipping cinnamon spiced tea and the container says it'll give me a new perspective. when did caffeinated beverages became so mysical? i'm seriously gonna take a back seat for awhile. i'm not really in the mood to figure out what's going on in that noggin of mine...i'm hoping this isn't the onset of depression lol. can someone be lazy and whatever without cause?

i'm just chalking it up to too many couch hours, crummalicious sleep and no good flicks to watch.

go figure. earlier i debated whether or not to straighten my hair but i don't feel like putting in the beauty effort...i've debated going on set with a friend to watch a will ferrell film being made next monday...but i can't see the purpose. yep...i'm hittin the blahs. any advice on how to stop it from hittin?

drink your tea high fidelity (oogle your boo jack black). realize it's ok that you being single sucks and end this blog.

tomorrow's the first day back at work. i need to wake up early...get back into a routine...join a frickin gym do something. maybe go to san diego this weekend and hang with mr olympics lol...and if i see ONE MORE eharmony commercial i'm gonna throw up in my mouth...darn cable.
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