cyber stalking

12.30.2008
i have a dilemma... (when does she not right?)

well i've been feeling pretty uninterested in the dating pool lately..haven't really much felt like taking swims so you can imagine my mild delight when i started chatting it up with a guy via email that actually held my interest. after a couple of back and forths i realize the guy is pretty dope. because of this mild level of interest i decided to cyber stalk him. why? because i'm a gal who's dated a lot and i dont put ISH passed any of 'em!

so i go to facebook. my favorite little networking site and type in his name. i love actors. his profile immediately comes up with his darling little face and what do you know it's not set to private so i take a looksy and it's cool. he seems like a cool guys guy that knows how to be a goof...yes figured all of this out from his page...shoot me.

well actually don't shoot me because his page also told me he's in a relationship...a pretty darn serious one. why he was on match i know not BUT i'm cancelling that darn piece of pooh service tonight.

is cyber stalking wrong when it leads to such helpful information?


the ghost of christmas past

12.29.2008
life's lessons tend to hit me in the most random of ways.

my best bud gave me this groovy book for christmas that discusses karma. in this book you learn how karma never works in a linear fashion. sometimes a good or bad deed takes years to witness. case in point: the ghost of christmas past.

lets begin in 1980. a black man and a white woman decide to act on the feelings marvin gaye has inspired in each of them. from this magical moment a child is created. later they will give her a name that contains the name 'tish'.

skip forward a couple years. tish sits in front of the television watching the color purple. she decides at that moment she will be an actress some day.

skip forward a couple more years to 9th grade. tish tries out for the christmas play. due to the racial ambiguity her parents blessed her with she is passed up for the role of ms scrooge (theater teacher blatantly tells her this)...and instead is given the role of ghost of christmas past. she knocks one out of the park and does a fabulous job. (just thought i'd add that bit)

tish begins to identify with her character. she digs the idea of chillin in the past.

...so you see. all choices led to me sitting on a plane, feeling like i'd go crazy if i didn't stop obsessing over the past i left in the good ole midwest. said desperation led to me reading a book and learning good stuff on how to NOT let the ghost of christmas past shimmy on up and destroy.

in plain english: i went home and immediately fell back into the past. everything and everyone reminded me of this crazy past version of me...a luv, high school, college, old friends...it's crazy because you start to miss it all and if you're not extremely careful you'll lose. i was flash backing left and right...lucky for me i happened to flash back to moments in time that reminded me just how important it was for me to go after my dream and get it. ("all those memories couldn't and won't be in vain" kind of mentality)

"missed it by that much" though...it's so easy to get swept back into our old homes, our way of life, the people and places that made us who we now are. this book rocks at helping one see what the good, the bad and ugly choices we make can do for us. living in the past was one boo boo the book discussed.

we always hear about balance...one can't help looking at the past. we do this for reflection purposes all the flippin time. it becomes problematic though when when we make good with the ghost and decide the past is cooler.

the ghost gave the deuce and i'm chillin nice and present like right where i need to be.

funny where are choices can take us.





when luck means love

12.22.2008
i am officially in middle earth. i've got the goblins (mean children at airports) and the little people (my folks) but i'm not really here to mess with a gold ring ; )

it's really great to be home i must write. 12 hours at various airports was not my idea of a good time but golly gee was it all worth it the moment i saw my mom ploppin thru the airport...she's just so darn cute.

so now i'm in springfield, the place my parents moved to a couple of years ago and while i don't know a darn tootin' thing about this other world i've entered i feel more at home than ever before. i've slept a mess. i can't tell you how much i've slept...and in the princess bed that used to be mine before moving to los angeles (how i missed that damn thing)

pumpkin bread making, watching films with the folks...it's the best vacation a gal could ask for i tell you. my agent called me the day before i left and said "we've booked you a job! it's going to pay 2 grand! it's on monday the 22nd" and another part of my already wounded heart drooped a bit more. it drooped but it didn't fall...nothing comes close to all of this family time. it's priceless.

today i woke up and went to work with mo. she works at a shelter in the food pantry. 20 something families came in before lunch and sat across from my mom at her desk and poured out their stories bravely...i watched my mom grow into an even bigger shero this morning. no stinkin' acting job compares to that.

the woman gives all day long and does it with the most beautiful grace i've ever seen. she knows when to be goofy, when to hold a hand, when to be firm and strong and always how to be hopeful. they don't make them like her every day my friends.

i'm a lucky lucky gal and this will be a very lovely christmas.

just call it a come back

12.16.2008
haven't been too keen to discuss big dream known as acting lately. life starts to beat you down and you just don't wanna hear about anything that reminds you of your failures so you can imagine how absolutely thrilled i was to hear that this guy i just met wanted to take me to an acting joint tonight. (i groaned 13 times)

first of all, ole boy did not mention he was an actor or a writer...i barely got him to peep up about being a dj...he's lucky he was so mum because i refuse REFUSE to date actors...for the very reasons i mentioned above. they constantly wanna talk about the business, the craft, the this, the that and it makes me wanna spin my head off and play dradle dradle and i'm not even jewish!

so yeah the fellow, i'll refer to him as dapper dan, took me to this cold reading shindig that actually turned out to be the magic i needed to refresh my fading dreams. basically what happens is you meet at this perfectly charming pub on 3rd street down in hollywood, you go up to the boss lady and you ask if the writers for the night need any actors, if the writers need someone that fits your steelo you're in. a crowd full of people sit around a small stage and watch as actors perform 10 pages from a writer's project. it's a chance for writer's to hear how it sounds, how it feels, grab a tone, etc. (kind of like what i did for mr writer a couple of times) it's free (unless you're guilted in to giving a donation so that they can pay the hundred dollars to rent the small space above the pub) and totally entertaining!

so i'm sitting there...dapper dan is parking the car which took a good half hour (la is brutal folks) and i'm playing a game on my phone. a writer approaches me, asks if i'm reading for anyone that night, i say no (doh!) and she shoves a script in my face and asks if i can read the stage directions for her piece. i laughed to myself...the whole day i sat at work stressing that i didn't have the energy to partake in extra curricular activities after working a 10 hour day..when i finally compromised and said i'd go and observe but not participate the waters parted and i felt like i'd be ok. lol...if i would have known i'd perform anyway i probably would have passed out at work then and there. reading stage directions was a nice compromise...no prepartion or energy needed. i got to participate...i saw how it all works (totally want to go again!) and felt like i was getting a good piece of what i crave from my dream. everybody's happy.

oh...and a special guest came on stage that my buddy bree will probably scream at me for...

sooo...tony lucca--this totally cute as a button musician (plays at a place called the mint down in hollywood) was the special suprise guest for the evening. he played this sweet little christmas song and then went about his business. i talked to him. reminded him that he had a fan named bree (last name removed to protect the innocent) and that she gave me all his music...maybe that wasn't such a good idea...maybe he doesn't appreciate people burning his ish. lol...maybe i should have said she buys me all his music. sorry bree. oops.

all in all, it was good times and hopefully i'll get an opportunity to go back and have fun. the writers there had some great material...laughed my little arse off so yeah...

...just call it a come back.

almost...but no cigar

12.15.2008
just a quick update before bed. so i was supposed to go to the film premiere of "revolutionary road" tonight...see leonardo do the hollywood wave...gawk at kate winslet but alas my job consumes all things life-y so i couldn't make it.

i'm thinking it's just as well...i tend to cry and get really sappy when so close to those living my dream but still...

always so close...yet my lungs are fine, dandy and pink. (no cigar)

i need to find luck. i need to embrace luck when i meet her. (she's a lady according to frankie boy) i need to make luck my new best friend and never take said luck for granted.

horoscope oops

12.13.2008
who knew i could find so much meaning and chuckle potential in a horoscope oops:

Your horoscope for December 13, 2008

It is not a god idea to blame your troubles and ailments on other people, Tish. The only one that you really have to blame is yourself. You will find that your mind is quite active today, and that it might send you around in circles unless you make a conscious effort to slow it down and get it going on the right path. Deal with the facts of the situation instead of the emotions that may arise from it.

a god idea... not a god idea indeed.

the cheerer upper

ahh the best and worst thing a gal can have in her life is the cheerer upper. the person that always seems to find the rainbow in every cloud or in my case, the hopeful nugget in every actress' golden globes article.

darling b emailed me this anne piece. i admit it took me a bit to see the cheerer upper's gift...the debbie downer disease picked out the pessimistic point (she's getting a golden globe nominee and she's younger than you tishy) but i kept it...i reread it...i came around. : )

my girl rushell came over to gab yesterday and got me giddy about writing a wedding piece for a newspaper. i'm researching..i've contacted the la times. a friend down in san diego is looking into some intern/shadow style tomfoolery stuff down there. i'm going to follow as much joy as i possibly can.

cheerer uppers...they're the friends that walk around with cheer defibrillators ...they use all kinds of sneaky tactics to bring smiles...they know your pain, they understand it but refuse to let you wallow in the crap. articles, long talks, hugs, movies...tip toe moments around the painful parts...they'll go to any and all lengths.

silent cheerer uppers: just found this picasa link of all the pictures i've ever incorporated in my blogs. it was nice to see and re live. : ) picasa

it is written

12.10.2008
i don't know why but a lot of my blogs seem to be movie-centric. hmm i wonder why that is.

the gods of popcorn have blessed me lately with great cinematic experiences and tonight was no different. my buddy slick ric and i decided to check out "slumdog millionaire". if you see this film...you will not be disappointed. good acting, funny, romantic actually, clever, interesting, great story line, hilarious quotes...it was just overall a must see. it was so good it almost caused a beat down. how you ask? well some stupid chicks were walking out grumbling about how they hated it... i seriously wanted to shake their behinds and ask if they had any life left in their bodies, souls in their chests...

i can't think of the last time someone not liking a film caused my butt to twitch.

all funny aside i like the messages that flowed through out it. so much poetry in a good movie...so much symbolism and meaning. finding meaning in the small stuff is what my life seems to be about lately and right now i'm trying to figure out if "it was written" is something that should, could, will apply to me...

what's written for me? besides long work hours and financial worries...

b has helped me come up with a plan to pay for the photographer i have to have in order to make more money to get into acting...(at least this is the plan i'm hoping for this week.) tv diaries i think fell through. i wrote them a couple of days ago and no word back...just call me chop suey. therefore modeling is the next plan...plan m. it involves filing my taxes online lol...sigh...baby steps are starting to annoy me like no utha! what else can a gal do though?




christmas guilt

12.08.2008
so i have a bit of a dilemma...does anyone else feel pangs of guilt when they're in their car and a christmas song comes on and they turn it?

i mean it's not like we get christmas music year round and this IS the best time of the year...i have to force myself to keep the station on "santa baby" even though i can't stand that mess because i feel like you just can't take the music associated with goodness and joy for granted.

sigh...

come all ye faithful...



magic

After I see a really good movie that involves good acting I always tend to go inside my head and think about my dreams.

I was driving down Ventura Blvd last night, coming home from seeing “Cadillac Records” and I just thought about the magic all around me that I just can’t seem to see right now.

When I was a kid my mom would tell me about leprechauns and fairies…I’d spend hours looking for little green men hiding in trees, sit in the bathtub for hours waiting for my mermaid tail to appear…I was definitely the kid desperate to see something magical. In a way I still have that desperation.

I feel like once I make it the things around me that I see… a street with shops, restaurants and people will all look suddenly different. The same magic dust I look for on actors will appear in the places around me…

Some kind of acting magic that becomes my life…”Oh I shot a film scene here, I wore the outfit from that shop to my first movie premier”

I can’t wait until I see that magic. I’ll keep looking for as long as I physically can. And unlike Tish the Kid, I won’t come in when my mom calls me to dinner…

A Sunday Kind of Love

Weekend recap: best friends are the best kind of therapy. I’ve been a mess lately. I can’t really explain what it was but i just checked out kind of…long hours at work, health stuff…it all jumbled together and just kind of left me empty so I’ve been collecting all kinds of self doubt and never really dealing with it all the way like we all should. All of that changed this weekend. I felt like yesterday I played major mouth dump with b and it felt so much better afterwards.

Here’s the scoop in a nutshell: I just let out everything and anything that’s been bothering me…I just spoke about all the insecurities I’ve had…listened to b explain hers and we just talked it all out and tried to understand everything we’ve both got going on in our lives. I don’t know how it works…how we’re able to help each other resolve or numb the pain/confusion but we do and it’s the best kind of medication a gal can have.

We went and saw the movie "Cadillac Records" (which by the way was amazing and wonderful and I totally recommend it). Her ex happens to be in the film. That was THE hardest friend moment for me & her to date. Scenes were really upsetting her and somehow I checked out and just jumped into b’s head. I could feel what she was going through…it was more than empathy…sometimes it’s crazy how close we are. I just held her arm through the hard parts and let her experience what she needed to.

These are the moments that define a friendship. I can’t stress how important it is to have someone you can consistently check in with. We constantly change and even though I see or email my friends almost every day I still have to check in and let them know where my head and heart are at the moment.

Friends are the ones we can be confident, naïve, insecure, crazy, sad, happy and confused with all in the same conversation and never feel like we’re being judged.

It’s the best kind of love in my opinion. Love love LOVE my friends!

7 pounds

12.03.2008
i just got back from seeing the new movie "7 pounds" with will smith and rosario dawson. again, being a member of women in film definitely has its perks...promise i won't spoil any parts of the film.

now that i've promised i can say most emphatically that the movie was exactly what i needed at that exact moment in time.

i hate to start it off with the bunk stuff but it builds into something positive so just stay with me...

today was a lousy day. today blurred with all the other busy crazy 'too stressed to even eat' days that are becoming my life. i stopped feeling, thinking, caring weeks ago and it's taking a heavy toll.

this isn't me. i was never the girl that couldn't bounce back. i was the goofy girl. the one that could smile and turn a bad situation into something bearable...i've lost that gift. ironically my sis texted me today and asked if i was aware my name meant gladness in latin. lol...i found it amusing.

work is bad. i was held there hours after i should have lef. i thought i had missed the movie...i told d to forget about it but he thought we should still try so we got there with 5 minutes to spare...got the last two seats--his at the very top, mine right up close to the screen on the far right side...

i cursed the whole day when i took my pitiful seat. i knew i'd have a headache, that my neck would hurt, that i'd feel nauseated...all the different negative consequences derived from my job holding me up kept running through my head. i felt miserable. the movie started. i grumbled as will smith's face loomed out at me like a picasso painting...one eye definitely slanted and drooping off the screen due to my unfortunate position...and then it hit me.

due to my position in life my perspective was all off. things that should have looked beautiful and real suddenly looked surreal, distorted and ugly...that if i had indeed acquired another position i'd see the world in front of me in a whole new way...one's position and the angle/perspective one wants to experience is a powerful idea.

i don't want to be a grump and feel the way i do, day in and day out. sitting in the worst seat possible helped me see that...the q & a session with rosario and the directo helped me feel it.

when i tell you this movie will move you like no other i'm not exaggerating. you assume, hope for, expect so much to come from the ending (you're kept in complete darkness thoughout the entire film, not knowing what the heck you're witnessing) ...and then the last scenes come and you receive the simplest, most perfect answer back and it leaves you weeping while thousands of life theories flash through your mind. i don't know about you but i've never seen or experienced something that's left me thinking "that's the meaning of life"

7 pounds of knowlege:

rosario gave some lovely answers about her acting technique and what it took for her to deliver...it was liberating to hear she thinks the way i do about the process, the technique and all that jazz. i watched her and took in everything about her for as long as i could...someone with my dreams sitting so close...i stared hard to see the magic that made her who she is...there's gotta be some magic mist on people in the business...something the human eye has to look oh so carefully to see. something that someone else saw and gravitated towards...

maybe some day i'll see it and then sprinkle some of that stuff on myself! i'm gonna keep trying to push my magic out there in hopes someone sees the stuff . until then i have a lot of movie processing to do...the meaning of life indeed.


modeling/acting updates

12.01.2008
the writer friend already gave me the go to blog about him (hee hee) so here goes. i'm delighted that he has asked me to attend another one of his table readings. the big dinger? one of my characters goes by the name of ....wait for it....

mrs jenkins! for all those that know me this is a hoot, not only because a dear friend of mine, miss plummer, has called me that ever since our african american comedy class at ku but also because i moved out here and played a mrs jenkins in a horror movie called "mary". don't imdb that ish just yet...lol i don't think it's on there.

table readings are just fun happenstance for your dear pal tishy. i won't get signed...no directors will be beating down my door but it is the greatest most fun practice i can think of so i'm excited.

no news on tv diaries just yet...my fingers are now mangled and my face is beyond blue with all the crossing and holding. are ya'll still doing it? come on now.

on the modeling front i'm searching for a photographer to take some rad new pics for my agents...so far i've got one chick who will charge me $600 and another dude that will charge $1,000. um no i'm not joking.

Bonnie's

Dominic's

he grew ovaries

11.30.2008
my guy pal d totally grew some ovaries for me yesterday. i was having one of those days where i feel like staying in bed but know it's not gonna be pretty if i do, so i allowed the man to scoop me up and drag me into a christmas shopping spree (got my folks' their gifts so we did good). afterwards we made sure to go by yogurtland where i gulped down a mix of cheesecake, strawberry and arctic ice vanilla yogurt sprinkled with strawberry, kiwis and blueberries..yes it was heaven.

we watched some "pride and prejudiced" and then "made of honor" which i was oh so proud of d for agreeing to sit through. i did have to punk him in blockbuster for actin' a fool (i told the guy he chose made of honor...which he totally did--he digs the chick in it)...you know he couldn't produce ovaries without somewhat of a fight.

so yeah i got back my smile while sitting with my make shift girlfriend, eating junk food and listening to mr darcy say the most precious words a man could possibly say, "you have bewitched me body and soul and i lu...i lu...i love you"

it's amazing that men can strip of us of certain joys, break our hearts, make us feel like crap while others can bring it all back and restore our faith in mars/venus interactions. the world is a crazy unpredictable place.


thanksgiving's odd side effects

11.28.2008
i just dealt with my 'truth about cats and dogs' drama...i told the guy in this crappy little love triangle that i couldn't cut it with his weird stuff. i'll be damned ladies if we should stick around with dudes that make us question ourselves, feel like pooh or make us smell ourselves to see if we smell like pooh. : )

i slept so terribly last night...i tossed and turned all night long replaying horrible date night back in my head only to wake up and see that my mom is still conversing with the ex that refused to move out here with me...the one who is engaged and will be married soon. a flood of tears came out and i couldn't control it anymore. mom called to apologize and promised not to do it anymore (apparently she didn't know it still hurt me...whatever i'm all kinds of verbal with my feelings)...the fact that i've cried twice before noon is never a good sign though.

my girl e plans to come over and watch christmas movies with me. christmas can always fill the holes...i'm counting on that anyways.

thank goodness for g chat...volde happened to be on (haven't talked to him in a pretty minute) and i told him the situation...saw that j was on and talked to her about the situation...it's keeping the tears at bay for now. j's a no brainer but volde...sometimes my friends come in the strangest of packages.

a note from the universe (guy)

so i get these cute little messages from the 'universe' every day. thought i'd share a good one:

You do realize, tish, don't you, that there have been others - in lifetimes, millenniums, and civilizations past - who have been to some of the same "places" you've been to? Yet, they got so scared they lost control, turned away, or flat out quit.

Yep, and they surround you now in the unseen. Your greatest admirers.

Thanks,
The Universe

The truth about cats and dogs

11.25.2008
Every true chick flick has a character that women audience members identify with…usually character one-dimensionals: the nerd, the pretty girl, the sporto tomboy…you get the drift.

Well I have always loved the movie “the truth about cats and dogs” …loved it without identifying with a dang tootin’ character-- really didn’t feel like an uma or a janeane…that is until this weekend. I’m totally and utterly a janeane now…

This story begins on a warm Friday night on the streets of ventura blvd. ev & petie, two gal pals of tishy decided they needed a happy hour night with the curly-haired goof to drink their work stresses away and get tish to come away from the proverbial ledge. so they hit up a sushi joint and pub and got busy.

Over yummy rolls and beers fitfully named “heavenly hef” they discussed the things that all girls discuss…husbands & boyfriends came up, the newest beyonce video and of course where each girl stood mentally in their lives. (aka what dating had reduced them to)

petie mentioned she hadn’t dated in a really long time and felt their must be something wrong with her. Doctor tishy stepped up to the plate and assured her dear bud that she was completely normal…she had only commited one mistake…she was always letting her best gal pal tag along…the best gal pal being the uma friend.

We all have the uma friend. The drop dead gorgeous gal that has this crazy bewitching power over dudes and leaves them goo goo drooling while you sit in the back flailing your arms shouting “hey remember me?! your date!”

The gal pals both nodded in agreement, a little light bulb going off in their heads. For a split second tish felt good about sharing her cats & dogs theory…that is until the dang thing happened to her one night later.

I’ve been emailing back and forth with a guy for over a month now. (keep the truth about cats and dogs securely placed in your noggin.) on Saturday evening he asked if I’d like to meet him and his buddies at a place down in santa monica so I got b and we headed out. from the moment the email guy saw my girl b he was hooked. And this is where my guffaws made it ten times worse.

I have this moment where I know I don’t have a chance and it’s almost if I purposely sabotage the situation ten times more than I naturally could. Not only did I think it would be ok to sit across from the email guy to keep the whole group in the conversation, I also mentioned he looked bigger in his pictures…lol…some could take this as an oops. When you know you’re out of the race ya just start to bow out…I was the queen of bowing out that night. couldn’t say one darn thing without sounding like a total and utter dork.

He brought us over to his group of friends and started talking to her 1 on 1. I sat back and watched as email guy’s best friend whispered in my ear that he thought b was beautiful. Lol…Uma and janeane flashed through my thoughts as a voice in my head droned on, “Tishy lightbulb detonated in 5, 4, 3, 2….”

I may have my theory but I have absolutely NO clue how to work with it! the thing is uma’s never realize they’re snatching the attention, they’re not trying to do it intentionally and part of the reason boys love her is because she’s a great person…so of course you want to keep hanging out. how do you still play with your friends but step out of the uma shadow? I’ll spend the remainder of this year trying to figure out how to work with uma power…

Until then…table for one!

i sing you to me

11.20.2008
i just saw the movie "australia" and i'm still on a bravo kick. i haven't seen an epic like this since "gone with the wind". (i kid you not)

everyone go and see this flick. the movie touches on so many things but most importantly for me it proves that empathy is necessary for a civilization to prosper. (damn it)

there's this little boy in the movie that i fell in love with from his first scene. i couldn't even be mad at the little bugger for landing such a HUGE role with no acting experience whatsoever. i love dynamic characters (in and outside of the theater) who teach us lessons and leave a piece of themselves in our hearts.

this kid is definitely one. no movie spoilers (promise) he just has dreaming down pat...if he dreams it he believes in it. he's confident it will happen. how beautiful such a thing truly is.


insomnia is dancing around in my head

11.19.2008
i swear insomnia has spread through my apartment building like the plague. whoever lives above me is having issues going to bed too...and happens to walk heavily. ugh...sit down and behave i say!

this week has been so hard for me. i feel like i'm balancing on a wire...i could fall into the land of crazy at any moment. in fact i did after work and started crying uncontrollably. of course crying alone always makes it worse. i still have a crying headache over that one...

i've been working really long hours at work that have left me utterly exhausted. i literally am too tired to eat when i get home. it sucks when you don't even have time to pay your bills or pick up a french fry and because of that suckage i can't sleep. i tried reading for the last hour and it's not working unfortunately. what do people say to try? warm milk? sigh...

i haven't had time to live...work consumes. there's a lesson here that i'm too tired to grasp. i was the last on my office floor to leave tonight. i realized, as i sat on the floor near my desk organizing work that i estimate will take up at least 2 hours of my morning to complete that i was lame...sitting on an empty floor at 7:30 at night alone is lame...not having time to live is lame.

i'm holding on to the hope that there will be a day where work does not consume and i have time to build a life i want to embrace. i'm also holding on to the hope that my eyes will get heavy shortly.

6 am i'll be at work jones'in for coffee and cursing myself for this late night bit. one of volde's friends gave me this little bull for the year of the bull coming in 2009. it's supposed to bring me good luck. i rubbed it just now...

we'll see...

sundays

11.16.2008
i just caught up on three weeks of oprah. my brain hurts. my body aches. no one should watch that much tv in one sitting. help me.

i just watched the nicole kidman interview on oprah (of course) in which she discussed why she named her little girl sunday. she said it's both her and her husbands favorite day. accordingly, sundays are really lonely days for those that are single (thanks nicole) and the best days if you have family around.

(imagine me hearing these words and shanking my head with a sarcastic smile going "yeah yeah, that's about right, thanks")

lol...i have not spoken out loud today, nor showered lol. i have eaten greek yogurts and kale because that's what currently lives in my fridge. my hair looks like i've never seen a comb, i have smudges on my glasses and dabs of black on my face (all the places where i needed charcoal mask). aren't sundays lovely? don't they sound glamorous and exciting? lol...sigh. thank you nicole for stamping my feelings on the day so poignantly in my head.

i think now i will shower and go run an errand that requires me to see actual sunlight...although i do believe the sun is currently setting.

never do a weekend of nothing. it's bad for the body my friends...and sanity.

book whisperer

11.15.2008
i love books. i love what books can do for me and my imagination..the thoughts and emotions that suddenly begin to swirl in my brain can ignite the best feelings in the world. you can imagine how i get when meet people that share the same passion...

one of my greatest joys to date is when a friend asks for me to choose a book for them. this is a big moment my friends. the decision never comes lightly. questions insue... i have to know if they're big readers (if they don't read a lot certain books come to mind that have instant action in the beginning to keep and pull the newby's attention), i want to know what kind of words they love...if words like "bewitched" and "thither" send your heart into a pitter patter ...if you need something that mirrors your own life, if you need something to inspire, to save, to make you laugh, to make you pee your pants laughing...

i love giving all of that to a friend in the form of a little (or big) book. my gal pal e comes to me every so often asking for a new fix. this time i gave her two books, _the alchemist_ and _caucasia_. she called me yesterday morning at work and was just gushing about how one book gave her some answers to her life questions and how caucasia fired up airport conversations with interesting men. they gave her the cool nod of approval based on the lovely book she clung too...who knows...books could be a cupid catcher of sorts. it happens : )

i think i like being a book whisperer (at least that's what i'm calling myself) yes. books talk to me and i match them up with the humans that need them : ) that's me.

made me happy. as for me and my book? i'm on book 3 of the twilight series now. i just can't stop...lol. these stories have ruined me.

switching topics completely: i had my pasadena morning and it was great as always. i sat around and gabbed with my gal who does my eyebrows and we caught up and then i bought my stuff (i'm trying this new powder shampoo for when my hair's straight and i don't want to wash it in between work outs...i'm lazy sue me)

i was out the door almost across the street when my chick called my cell and said one of the big stylists wanted to do my hair some time. lol...mind you this is a BIG HUGE salon where halle berry gets her hair did...yes... i turned right around and went back inside gushing. this really cute total artsy manly man's kind of guy stood at the front of the salon and i swear i couldn't help but turn red (beyond the eyebrow wax pink skin that is). he knew i was looking for a photographer to do some new modeling shots for me and said he wanted to do my hair for the shoot... for the first time in my life i am proud of my hair lol...i thank it for catching the attention of mr hottie patottie cutie (married folks--the gushing sticks on the blog) who will now be rockin' my ish OUT for my shoot. woo hoo.

i told you something good's in the air my friends...

strike a pose

11.14.2008
for the first time ever...in the history of this blog...i am going to say something sweet and lovely about my agents...(the modeling ones that is)

i just got back from a meeting with them and i absolutely love 'em to pieces. there are three women, all really cool and really excited to pimp me out which i love even more. i've been so nervous all day to talk to them...i didn't know if they'd freak out and hate me wondering why the heck they signed me and all that good stuff but they started the "ahh she's cute" stuff as soon as i walked in. (fyi: agents talk about you like you're not in the room--good and bad--it's hilarious to witness)

the nervous stomach, manic crazy spastic tishy stuff i've been doing all day was for nothing. they want me to do a new shoot with a new photographer, told me we're in the slow part of the season so it's the perfect time for me to do so and then gushed over the possibility of a reality tv show (take that all you reality tv doubters!!!). it felt so good having this gang of cool chicks in my corner...enthusiasm is so addictive in this profession. i needed that. so yeah, now i have homework. i plan on recruiting b to help me get some looks together (have i mentioned i have NO sense of fashion, she does and therefore i leave it up to the guru to do my fashionista bidding). sigh....take a breath tish.

such a great way to start the weekend. tv diaries called too. i'm not IN just yet. just made it to the next round...i know, i know. we'll just have to keep our fingers crossed a little bit more.

random quick change

substantial moment of the day: i was in my work parking lot this morning and thought to myself "i'm going to find my necklace today", looked down at that exact moment and there it was...my poor little star, bent on one side but there all the same. i almost cried. this tiny act left huge ripples through out the day. i had this weird confidence that i would do something and it happened...i have that same confidence about my career. i think it's coming ya'll...

i am so ready. i'm gonna strike a pose and hold that ish FOREVER!!!

quote for the day (that j pointed out again):
Exactly…when the weather matches the season you feel like you're apart of nature somehow…when this ISH throws up in your face you feel like a freak of nature

howl at the moon

11.13.2008
i left work pretty late today. i walked out into the cool night air and looked up at the big bright moon and said hi. i swear i had this huge urge to just let out a growl and howl at the moon. at this point you're wondering if your dear friend tishy has lost her flippin mind...in a way yes. i'm super duper hooked on the stinkin twilight books. i can't get enough of them. i swear crack has to be laced into the pages because it's all i think about.i eat, breath, sleep this ish!!!

i think i need help...

i'm on the second book (it's only been 7 days since i started reading the first one) and i'm shaking and jittery right now because i need to find out what happens next. vampires, werewolves...sigh. dear God help me keep one foot in the real world.





i had the weirdest great day today. i walked in this morning with a scowl firmly planted on my face but it melted throughout the day. nothing huge and important happened. (i heard not from the reality tv show), i didn't get the raise i so deserve, no good boy stories to report...nope just started getting more and more chipper just cuz. (didn't even need chocolate to get the fix either)

my gram's emails have been pretty profound lately. she has this format she loves to stick to: she tells me about her day, gossips about what the fam is up to, then tells me about whatever issues i've decided to open up to her about and then she ends with an inspirational quote and her thoughts on how to perk me up. she's been into the mind over matter stuff and it's working i think.

i realize some days you're just in a funk and that's it but for the days where we honestly have the option to choose..i choose smiles and giggles.

i have a funny video of myself attempting to do a russian man (aka vlog) and i let out a huge accidental toot. (what?!) it had me and my co workers about to pee our pants...that could have been part of it...maybe the fact that i'm going to washington d.c. with my best friend for THE most important political event in my lifetime, maybe even that we've been discussing our christmas present theme for this year (creative gift requirements make my heart go pitter patter)...i emailed my girl laura and pushed the twilight book--pushing the drug is a definite perk...just a good day. chicken or the egg situation.

clever analogy of the day (according to j): i will not let a boy hunt me like i'm a flippin jungle woman from a duran duran video.

: )
the end.



happy full moon: change is in the air

11.12.2008
i don't want to jump the gun here but i have to share my maybe sorta news...i think i was chosen for that new tv show i've been yapping about. lol pardon my calm demeanor but when the casting guy called me i was on my 10th hour on the job so my brain didn't quite process the words coming out of his mouth like they should have.

all i heard was, "congratulations, oops i guess i ruined the suprise waw waw waw waw just send us a dvd copy of all the submissions you've currently done for us"

uh lol...i think i got it??? i could just be going to the next round so i won't throw in exclamation marks just yet. lol i'm in a weird kind of shock and disbelief right now. i'll keep you updated on that but if i do get on the show you guys seriously have to tell all your friends, family and the strangers peeing beside you in the bathroom stalls to watch and vote for my behind! we'll make a contest of it. whoever gets the most folks to vote for me will win a free yogurt from yogurtland (my favorite heavenly thing right now). sound like a plan? :)

i booked tickets to d.c. for the inauguration today too. j and i always go somewhere for one of our birthdays. this year our trip happens to fall on her b day...which happens to be close to jan 20th so we said why not. we set up a meeting to talk this afternoon (yes we're nerdy like that) and now we'll be there to watch history unfold. i'll tell my grandkids some day i was there. i don't even care that my plane ticket was a ginormous amount. this ish is pricelss...plus i never allow myself to live like that. it's time to spread my wings and budge a little.

side perk: i get to finally meet my email boyfriend. we've talked for over a year now and i actually consider him to be one of my closest friends. weird we haven't met but that's all about to change.

everything's about to change...the world, my life, my bank account lol ALL OF IT!

i'm hoping my stomach can change soon too. i've been pumping iron and running my little tail off for awhile now. i have a meeting on friday evening with my modeling agency so hopefully the sweat sessions will prove beneficial.

waiting on the world to change...

when it's more than the metal

11.10.2008
a few months ago i fell in love with the book _a new earth_ by eckhart tolle. i loved his philosophy on how he sees the world. for a while i could even understand it (the philosophy that is)...live it bit by bit but as the months have passed i've forgotten some of the basics. one in general is the ability to deal with loss in a practical way.

accordingly, we give possessions too much importance and while i can see the rational behind the whole "not forming attachments" theory i still bawled like a baby tonight when i found out one of my favorite things in the whole wide world was lost. a couple of years ago b gave me a beautiful star necklace to remind me of what i am and want to be. it was touching and clever...something smaller than a breadbox that represented the the support of a friend.

do you have anything like that in the world? something that reminds you of something so sweet and touching that losing it feels like you've lost a part of your own flippin heart?

i've always been sentimental like that...i name things for goodness sake people. i named my camera, my ipod, my car lol...everything's got a name dang it!

losing the necklace didn't suddenly cause me to forget the kindness my girlie gave to me...but there's something about having a physical actual tangible hold on something that reminds you of something...it's so much more than the metal.

i have a heavy heart right now. loss is a difficult thing for me. sigh...it sounds silly but i feel different. i feel like i've been losing a lot of things lately and it's supposed to be some big sign that i'm not supposed to have anything right now. what is up wiht that?!

ugh. i'm too tired to figure out the symbolic crap. anyone got any ideas?

tequila truths

11.07.2008
ah what a night...

so i had a hard week. work was a bit draining and i voiced my pain and suffering to my good boy d so d did what good buds do best. he recommended tequila at my favorite little mexican restaurant down the street from my abode.

the man has some brilliant ideas. we had tequila infusions (this drink i dream about) ate some good food, had some strawberry margaritas, ate some flan and basically got sloshed lol. i personally recommend hanging with my good pal d if you need a laugh. the man is a light weight and moves uber slow once he's had some liquor. i fell over laughing twice in our booth. (maybe that was the alcohol but i was laughing nonetheless).

the most creative segment of the night happened when we started eating the flan. we would grab a spoonful of the strawberry flan goodness and do an "eff" toast to whatever had pissed us off during the week...then shove the goodness in our mouth and eat the pain : ) symbolic and yummy at the same time.

watching the count of monte cristo sealed the deal...man it was the perfect chill friday night. the tequila was callin my name...thank goodness it only called my name once. i plan to get up and run early morning and more than one of those puppies would have sent me on a way trip running to the bafroom : )

maybe a couple of chapters of the book _twilight_ (yes i'm hooked. it's my fix, my drug, my everything)

happy weekend ya'll...

give me ME or give me death

11.06.2008
that statement may sound a bit dramatic but i breathe & live drama so it works for me.

the good folks from that reality tv show contacted me a couple of days ago. i had sent in the latest russian man (aka vlog). apparently they really liked my tape and thought it was good but decided it needed to be great to please the studio folks so they had 'suggestions' as to what i should do to jazz up the tape.

the thing is it was a journal entry which means i was talking off the top of my head and unfortunately i'm not the greatest at acting like i'm experiencing something genuinely if it's not in fact...(gasp) genuine. in fact i suck at it.

it sounds lame but i was really stressin. i was fully prepared to tell the folks i changed my mind and didnt' want to do it anymore. like i said before, i have hang ups with reality tv. i don't want to be a part of some larger than life character of myself...i have to create an acting career off of this and so i'd like that to start with me, the real me. that whole first night i found out i had to jazz up my tape i tossed and turned in bed. i could feel myself getting caught up in the predicament of sticking to the truth or jumping on a really fast moving train to reality tv crazy town.

fortunately i woke up the next morning, received a call from the folks and found out i could just talk about something completely different and i'd be fine. i initially spoke about a date i was excited for...lol. i have NO clue if the guy will ever want to go out again (not looking good since i haven't received an offer yet and it's already Thursday--ouch!) but yeah, i couldn't re create that situation and act like i was giddy when i'm not really...at all lol. back to hating dating.

so i rattled on about how stressful dating can be and how men drive me to crazy. not as funny as the first (the 1st take is always the best darn it!) but yeah...i'm not worried. they'll either like it and i'll continue to send them russian men or i'll move on to the next door into acting.

it's out of my hands and i'm fine with that...i'm fine with that because it was me on the camera. i can handle me : )

Our individuality is all, all, that we have... blessed in the twinkle of the morning star is the one who nurtures it and rides it, in grace and love and wit....
—Tom Robbins

barack the vote!

11.04.2008
it's a bookmark kind of day again my friends...the kind of day you'll always remember. years from now people will ask "did you vote?" and they'll be referring to today.

was anyone else nervous to vote?! i couldn't sleep and ended up just getting up this morning and getting ready early. my hand shook as i punched my votes into the ballot and i teared up once i finished and received my sticker.

i feel like this is the first time i've participated in an american adult event and truly been aware of how important my action could be. the world is watching us all today...that's crazy too! our leader will change the world..and i'm not trying to be ethnocentric...it's true.

i'm watching cnn and i scream with delight everytime a new election prediction pops up. i love seeing the color blue...i really do.

my gals are coming over for some home baked cookies and gibber gabber. i've never been this invested. i'm putting my faith in americans. we can hope, we can believe, he can win!!!

familiar faces

11.01.2008
i saw a face i knew this morning and it got my little heart strings in a tizzy, had my brain shooting a thousand synapses a minute...there's this beautiful girl that did a script read with mr. writer and she was on the last episode of private practice.

i knew her face immediately. at the reading i was flippin drawn to her. not only is she this beautiful petite talented woman but she's also one of mr. writer's good friends...facebook always pops up tagged pics of the two of them (facebook is bad for nosy people fyi)

how did she do it? how did she get on my favorite show? what acting classes did she take? how did she convey such emotion? was the director on set helpful at guiding the guest stars? how did it feel to act along side of those folks?! ugh...lucky lucky girl.

mr writer doesn't think i'll make it out here. nice right lol? i wonder when my questions will lead to answers...ways inside that proverbial open door. mr writer is surrounded by people that have walked through...maybe he's forgotten that there's no one way in (or i would have taken it) i'm not phased by the doubt though. the only thing phasing me is this chick's darn face. the more i stay in this game the more i'll start to see faces i know or have met...the trick is to not let the sea of familiar faces manifest into a ball of jealousy or defeat but instead become the ball of 'push' that will remind me i'm that much closer.

bring on the faces.

halloween after the show

10.31.2008
i showed up to the movie theater and sadly counted 15 people total hanging out. i felt a little awkward at first but the minute i sat down and the lights went down i knew i was right where i needed to be. i wish there was a good movie out every flippin week. i saw the changeling tonight and i have to say it was definitely moving.

the word thing is the scenes that should have left me in shambles didn't and the ones that every one else found humorous and entertaining had me in hysterics. no i will not ruin the movie for you. no spoilers.

there's just something about a great dramatic film that gets inside my skin...wiggles around in my ribs, knocks the air out of me, infuses into my blood and leaves me spent...

especially that one.

i drove home in tears (of course)...big drops falling over my lovely black dress...i drove passed the throngs of halloweenies lining up along the streets of ventura off to whatever parties are happening through out the night knowing that sometimes i'm just meant to get lost in some story. i plan to do more of that. tonight i have a long date with a book named jane.

:)

just found out my cousin and her peeps are in west hollywood partying it up and will need a place to crash tonight...please help me god.


happy halloween!

fall back weekend...

don't cha just love it when the time changes? sometimes i wish i lived in arizona...well if it wasn't a red state that is. speaking of voting...

president clinton left a voice message on my phone. i pretty much rock for that...i know it was unique and solely a message meant for me. i will be voting no on prop 8 (rights for all yo!)...this is the first year i've been utterly fixated on the political climate...the first time i've had the audacity to hope. all my fellow blue peeps will get that reference ; ) obama 08...less than a week away! woo hooo!


so far so great on halloween. pretty typical work day: ya never really do anything...nothing gets accomplished... every body gorges on food and giggles at all the costumes...that's pretty much it. (i'll post a couple of my fav's at the end)

tonight will not be a traditional halloweeny night though...i plan to go see the new jolie film with some buds. we plan to raid the bar and grab some of these magically deliciously hot dogs with watermelon bbq sauce (yeah you heard me) and chill out.

ahhhh...

happy halloween!!!

big boy & a witchy woman

no work...told ya


franklin my god dog (aka my cousin shelly's child)








tickle my tenders!!!

10.30.2008
i realize now my blog title sounds naughty (lol!) but i said it in an email to one of my girls today to cheer her up and it made me laugh my arse off so there it appears...for your giggling pleasure. (that sounds a bit dirty too...hmmm i'm stopping now.)

to the blog!

tv diaries called me again!!! i'm on to the next round!!! oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah! (happy dance, round and round, ya feel that...do you feel that shake?!)

i was sitting at work today when i got the call and i swear i started screaming and jumping up and down (all professionalism went out the door). so now i have to make another tape but this time i just have to do what i do best...talk about stuff. i've already introduced myself so the hard part is over :) ....ya'll do realize that it sucks to submit your actual self as the material and get rejected...no one wants to hear their life or personality sucks lol!

i haven't decided what i'll do my russian man (aka vlog) about just yet. that's the beauty of these things...it just comes to me and poof! there she goes.

"tonight is your night bro...tonight is your night!" (where's danny devito when you need him?)

so yeah i'm on a high...tomorrow's halloween. i will be a witch if you dare to know...a chic nice cute witch but a witch nonetheless.

cackle cackle cackle

happy halloween every body. can't wait to see what treats are coming my way!

it's possible..things are happening every day

10.29.2008
there's this cute song that the fairy godmother sings in cinderella "it's possible" that i just can't get out of my head. i'm blasting "at last" by etta james and i STILL can't shake it...it's a sign though.

i just watched obama's public message and i still have goose bumps. it was really hard for me to watch all of the personal stories...there's so much going on right now and when i look at obama my jaw wants to drop in awe. i feel like he's walking around atlas style...the weight of the world resting slightly on his shoulders. i can't think of a time in my life where i could watch a living hero. it's crazy but that's exactly what i think of him as being...i recommend folks read his autobiography. it's crazy that a man represents so much positivity. i love it...it totally perked up my day.

other perks:

mateo my workboy twin is in town. a group of us went to boulevard burgers on ventura for lunch today...if you want to experience juicy goodness i suggest you grub there if you're ever in woodland hills, ca. i did the happy dance at least three times.

ipod shuffle. alanis and dolly parton are all i need in this life. first you have alanis rockin out some major venom and then dolly just comes and sweeps it all up, says it's ok in her cute little way and then makes you appreciate the small stuff :)

the ability to laugh at my out of shape behind. i tried doing the kind of sit ups where you hang upside down and come up...lol i popped something in my stomach and almost busted a gut laughing (literally)

j's new job stories and random bits of alliteration. she's such a quirky queen of quick pro quo.

and finally my grandma's emails for the day...the woman never fails in her ability to slap me out of funks, humor me with her poetry and lull me into peaceful confidence that my fam has my back no matter what.

like ms simone says, "i'm feeling good"


sometimes laughs are enough

10.27.2008

I can’t function today. I had a jam packed weekend so I’m guessing part of my ineptitude stems from that but there’s just something jacked up about forgetting your watch, forgetting to blow dry your hair…putting on weird funky socks (even for me) and not remembering the drive to work…I don’t know if the weekend deserves zombie Monday behavior but it’s there nonetheless.

I did so much it was crazy. I’ve complained in the past about being bored and not having ish to do with anyone…I think I totally had to eat my words…and then some.

Saturday was a great day. I woke up early, hung with the original gangster (first la friend miss bree) and had coffee. We went to our original coffee hot spot and discussed books over some yummy lemon cake and caffeinated beverages and then I parted so I could go play with a new friend at a guitar shop. (random coolness)

I met up with B after that to shoot my audition tape for that reality show and then we headed south for knotts scary farm for the kind of scary fun that can cause folks to pass out if they’re not careful. I swear I’ve never laughed at myself as hard as Saturday night. why did I run screaming through a maze while monsters chased me hungrily…while B and the gang followed behind hysterically heaving at my expense. Sigh…Forking up the big bucks to go was totally worth it. When we returned my body ached like I had been beaten with a bat…I mean what kind of laughter turns you into a pool of soreness?! It’s bananas!

Sunday was spent in bed lol…seriously didn’t even dress until 3:30 or so. my girls B & E loaded into my car for a nice night on an open patio eating good food and sippin good drinks. The spirits definitely left me feeling like all I need in this world is my girls. Random: the hostess seated us right beside a guy I went on a date with recently. Talk about awkward…la is not as big as you think…and the valley is even smaller than that!!!

Man it was a great weekend. i mean at one point us gals were in the parking lot of the Sherman oaks galleria trying to do the dances that beyonce currently does in her “single ladies” video…

Lol it was just THAT kind of weekend.

Oh! I watched an oprah and have found the love of my life…does anyone else want the kindle as much as I do?!?!

famously average: vlogging the new hotness

10.21.2008
oh happy day. b is currently singing, "i told you so, i told you so" because she, my friends, sent me a text a week or so ago stating i should write "blog style" professionally. low and behold i was contacted yesterday afternoon by a casting agent to come in and audition for a new reality show that will air on one of the big networks (gasp!)

yeah yeah yeah...i know the old tishy with film high standards would have scoffed at any mention of reality tv but alas that tishy said peace the minute she found out she'd be paying sky high rent for a box. a sista has to eat!!!

so here's the premise of the show...i would basically do what i've been doing for the past 2 years...tell complete strangers, friends and family about all the crazy weird ish i tend to find myself in out here in la la land with one exception...i would have to do a videe blog, now known as vlogging. it would be kind of like a real world confessional booth type of thing...every week i'd submit my vlog--aka big russian man (sounds russian,no?) and viewers would vote on whether or not they wanted to hear what i'd talk about next...

i figure with dating, acting, goofy friends and an insane amount of pent up energy i can do this.

the meeting i just attended with the casting folks was crazy. it's uncanny how willing and ready people are to share their stories...i heard stories of divorce, one man discussed how his militant parenting led to his dismissal from the household...he's now homeless. one girl is a plus size model in training, another an aspiring r&b singer/mother...a bad comic with a knack for inappropriate perverted jokes and me....when the casting agent asked why i would vlog i said "because i currently blog and my friends seem to keep reading". lol...

save the juicy bits for the cam...and blog ; )

wish me and the vlog luck!

gathering

10.20.2008
well it's no secret i itch when someone mentions the idea of acting classes. anxiety and sweat seem to build and fester and the day of i'm not a happy camper. the workshop i attended tonight changed all of that.

it was like i came home....i kept hearing things that reminded me of the tish i used to be. for instance he started out class by saying when we're kids we think we can do anything...literally. we'll see a painting and we'll say "i can do that" or we see a performance and say "i could do that better"...etc etc. i remember thinking this way as a kid and my grandmother wanting to backhand me at the detroit institute of art because i thought i could do half of the paintings and sculptures there.

somewhere down the line we start to listen to those that say we can't...that we won't and will never be able to do a, b and c...mr. gleason said we have to get that empowerment back...at that moment i fell in love with a 74 year old man lol.

he doesn't believe in acting classes...he says for the most part actors sit in the classes and listen as the acting coach 'prescribes' how to conquer a scene to one person...everyone in the class tries to take the same prescription and kills the whole scene. it made sense...he also mentioned that acting is a natural ability that we all can do...it's just certain people have this magnetism...this power to 'gather' an audience into their world...invite them into this whole energy swapping phenomenon and it was all flippin brilliant i say!

i was the first to go up and 'gather' the class into my being...i sucked. he didn't give any kind of direction as to what he was looking for so i got to be the guinea pig but i learned...

i've always thought good acting was subtle...casual, but he says it's just when you relax and own your presence...i love that it makes sense and it's stuff i used to think of as a kid. (man i was brilliant!)

he discussed how we're socially prodded into down playing our greatness...the man totally made my night.

i'm exhausted as heck. the workshop was supposed to end at 9 but we didn't get out of there until 9:45...lol. i hurt.

point of all of this? i'm happy i found some one who validates the way i've always thought of acting. it's practiced, honed and perfected by living and breathing...watching people, going to museums, watching films...tapping into life and being present...always.

google me

10.19.2008
the weekend has been a trip so far. i have this guy friend i've mentioned before in past blogs (i read at some of his table readings) and i caught up with him at a ku football watch party yesterday. apparently he's moving across the big pond to london and i swear i looked like my puppy had just died when he told me the news. do you have people in your life that you may not talk to every day but you feel better knowing are there just in cases?lol...well that's this guy.

he asked if i'd still be in los angeles when he returned (whenever that will be) and the crazy part was i think he was serious. lol apparently my blogs have a defeatist nature. (guess i have to work on the "it's hard BUT"s ) this life may be hard as heck BUT it's all i know. i seriously have NO idea what i would do, where i would go if i wasn't out here trying to act. i think about acting 24/7...everything relates to it in some odd way. it was a good question. i needed to speak the words, "i'm not going anywhere" outloud...needed to put it out there.

i've had lots of information thrown at me this weekend and i'm in the process of memorizing this dang monologue. due to the overload writing and thinking aren't really my specialities but one thing from yesterday did stick with me. at one point my friend was networking scripts with another ku alumni and said "i'm kind of a big deal. google me." and my jaw dropped lol not because of the unintended ego blowing up and out lol but by his matter of fact attitude about his talents and accomplishments. i can't wait for the day when i've not only accomplished what i came out here to, but have the confidence to embrace all that hard work and humbly say, "google me". lol

dating: the good, the bad and the ugly

10.17.2008
it’s grueling, it’s a pain in my arse but it’s inevitable…it’s dating: the good the bad and definitely the ugly.
i say after each horrible date i’ll never do it again…that i hate it enough to banish it but alas there’s some tormenting reset button in each of us that forces us to keep trying over and over again until we get it right (gosh darn it)
i have this email bud i go back and forth with at work. he complains about his whack dating, i complain about mine…we never tire of hearing each others’ stories. this week mr email tells me he’s been on match.com for a couple of weeks, hates it and wants to know if i want to use his remaining subscription to check out the men folk out here. i of course had to do it…curiosity always wins i’m afraid and now i am an internet stalker. it’s so much fun…i swear you can snoop and be picky and totally voyeuristic without the fear of some weirdo asking you out for peeping at him. too short, too pretty, too conceited, too this, not enough of this, oh you smoke? NEXT! it’s great! ha!
so yeah…my adventures in dating may have gotten a bit easy…even if i don’t get any dates out of this silly thing it’s grand entertainment. shoot i loved seeing the girls that were talking to mr email before we switched over…they’re probably wondering why all of a sudden the hot guy with smarts is the mixed chick who farts ; ) it rhymed but i do…occasionally. lol!
Anyways…dating gives me so much great material to work with…shoot I don’t even have to talk about the actual dates and can STILL write for days…sigh. so much fun. I get these essence.com updates and low and behold a girl I met at the film festival has a small bit where they show her pictures and discuss her horrible dating adventure. I thought I’d share the pain lol....enjoy.
“ A guy who worked at a drugstore photo department called me to pick up my pictures and asked me out. Thinking it was the fly dude I remembered when I dropped them off, I agreed to go out with him. Sadly, I was mistaken. When I went to pick him up—yes, he had no car—I realized it was another guy who was, well, less gifted in the looks department. I told him I thought he was someone else, but we still went to the movies, and he didn’t even buy the popcorn. I drove him home after the movie and that was the end of that. Or so I thought. He used my number one more time after that. But this time it was a collect call from jail! Needless to say, I didn’t accept the charges.”

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on a wim...

10.16.2008
On a wim i decided i should write a blog/column for some publication because i’ve honed in on the fact that it makes me happy. so i get into work this morning and begin to scavenge the internet for freelance blogging gigs…decide i want to play with the big dogs and go straight for the la times ( i move fast) and start reading some of the blogs there. i had to trample on my new found little path to happiness after seeing how structured news media blogs are. the frickin writers are highly qualified folks too…for instance one chick wrote for in style magazine before heading over to the west coast times. if i “did lunch” with the big somebodies from the newspaper and pulled out my book of blog posts they’d probably slap me twice, bend me over and kick me in the butt. (i’m just saying!) it was a fun little daydream while it lasted.

i do love to write though. maybe i’ll see if there’s a book somewhere in my random rantings…who knows. i’ll research that tonight ; )

random bits of goody for you: my hair is uncharacteristically frizzy today (i feel like the bride of frankenstein without the cool highlight job) and i’m thinking my shoes don’t really match what i’ve got going on today but i’m at work so there’s nothing i can do about this. my biggest fear is turning into the weird old women that i work with who wear socks and sandals. someone a very long time ago told them this was ok and they desperately hung on to the cool...or they’re even more gangsta and just don’t care because they’re comfortable. i feel like i kinda resemble a ‘cat lady’ today. this is not good. at least i fit in at the watering hole at work!

random bit #2: no one is talking about the debates here. i think it’s an la thing…ryan seacrest had anderson cooper on his program this morning…anderson was going on about the debate and different talking points when ryan interrupts him and asks him what he thinks about lauren conrad from the hills…i wonder if any other los angeles folks are perplexed by the common apathies around these here parts. i mean jeez louise…i didn’t pay much attention to campaigns from years past; just enough to get by but this is so flippin huge! WHO CARES IF LC IS LEAVING THE HILLS AND SPEIDI HAS A FLIPPIN PHANTOM!!!

random last bit: i just found out that this acting class i’ll be doing next week requires a monologue so i’m going to memorize this short piece about this chick who hates dating…art imitates life i always say! i’ve decided i hate memorizing this stuff because it has no purpose lol. i mean yes, i’ll use it for a class but then it just goes away…it’s like it never existed, i never created it. i can’t WAIT until i get a real role in front of a camera…something that will leave a permanent mark in cinema…ahhh now THAT’S a dream i can stick with.

the dresses...

10.15.2008

bring on the chanel!

10.14.2008

I don’t know if age is the culprit for my love of fashion shows and labels way beyond my world but I’ve developed some “secret single behavior” of my own that includes going to the Times, clicking on the fashion & style section and getting lost in slideshow after slideshow of fancy schmancy catwalks featuring stick figures in pretty clothes.

It’s really girly and almost embarrassing to write but I have actually found my future oscars dress if someone else doesn’t come and snatch that puppy up.

I was kind of giddy to even see something that made me dream in such detail…usually I can only think of my speech lol And while I do not currently have a boyfriend/fiancé I have found my beach wedding dress as well. Lol… could this be fatigue setting in?!?!

There is definitely a Tishy that loathes such thoughts but then I’m kind of amused that my dreams sometimes take specific shapes. It makes them feel more real to me in a sense. If finding dresses for future milestone moments is happenin' the so be it. I’m just gonna go with the flow and allow my dreams to please…so bring on the chanel!

a subdued vegas

10.12.2008
there's something about the open road and a vegas destination that makes me giggle. i love vegas weekends with my girls. i can't do them often that's for darn sure but in small doses, they're exactly what the doctor would order.

on saturday b and i roped in a friend from work to join us in vegas. i needed a weekend away. away from stress in all its nasty little shapes and forms...and i got just that.

we actually stayed off the strip this time and although we were ready to dress up and let loose we ended up going back to our girl's house for fried catfish, drinks and friend time.

mr new york (aka thomas crown) was in town and although i was scared out of my mind that our dating drama would pop up and get awkward as heck we managed to keep it cool and friendly with no expectations of anything new starting up.

i did finally get to introduce him to b which is funny. i forget she doesn't know all these folks i travel to see...my life pre los angeles. the three of us had dinner and hung out for awhile discussing politics and club etiquette lol...among other things and just had a nice time. ny and his partner in crime actually came to the house and hung out with us for a couple of hours. there's nothing like sittin around with folks listening to music from way back in the day (some james brown & otis made the cut) and dancing like dorks until the point of pass out.

i had a lovely time and got a bit sad on the four hour trek home but the tiny bit of sad was worth it...laughing is so important to battling the blues. so important when battling unsettled romantic entanglements and definitely important to my sanity overall. lol

maybe it's not vegas at all that i crave...maybe it's being thrown into an unknown space where anything and everything is acceptable and still finding out your friends are the real genuine sources of joy.

runnin on e...(everything)

10.11.2008
i once had a love affair with running. i'd run three miles a day on high school tracks i'd find in the towns i'd inhibit and i'd work the mess out of the left turns, my heavy breathing, the inevitable side cramps and down pours of sweat. i'd live for it but over the years i pushed other agendas and forgot how necessary it was to move.

because of that mishap running ain't so easy for this sista girl anymore...i have to load up on mad energy to make any kind of progress on mileage which means me and morning runs don't really work out.

i had a really rough week though. the kind of week that demanded some sort of release and since i was still in a blah lazy mood last night my body demanded i wake at 6:30 this morning and run. no breakfast...no nada to fuel me for what my brain desperately needed but somehow i did it. i ran a mile and some and then walked through my neighborhood for another half an hour or so...i ran on everything that's been pent up in side, everything that's been scaring me and bothering me and causing me to shrivel up inside of myself.

i can't guarantee that i can do this kind of thing every time...heck i only went a mile which a lot of folks would laugh at me for (ONLY a mile tish? try 20!) but the thing is i have an outlet and my brain wills me towards that outlet when it knows i'm about to go on a serious time out.

i needed to move. i needed to see my neighborhood, feel the fall's creep moving in (my ears actually went cold. i was so excited) and definitely needed to purge all the worries out thru my pores.

in a bit i'll finish packing for a short trip to vegas. b and another one of my lady friends, g , will be accompanying me for a night of getting dolled up and dancing. more lovely cardio to help generate some endorphins. gotta love it.

the day of atonement

10.08.2008
i may not be jewish but i think my roomie and her peeps are on to something with this day of atonement. it's a day where you have to forgive someone if they approach you with an apology. 

it sounds so simple right? well in the grand scheme of things it is that simple. if someone thinks it's worth apologizing for, it's worth forgiving...life's too short. 

i can't think of anything i want to apologize  for but i have forgiven some folks as of recent so there ya go. 

i've forgiven volde...we're now pretty decent friends and have been so for a couple of weeks now. 

i've forgiven new york guy and my mail man for his slow obama t shirt delivery. 

maybe i'll even be super uber honest and forgive myself tomorrow as well...i haven't been too nice lately...hopefully i'll understand :)


kiwi alert: laughing through tears

10.07.2008
driving out to los angeles, leaving my whole world behind was THE hardest decision i have ever made and the news i just received makes that even more apparent.

i have a knack for dreams...i dream stuff about people and the dreams have an uncanny sense of coming true. last sunday i dreamed my ex (aka the big love) was engaged so i wrote him today just to see how he's been doing and told him about the dream. he wrote back that my dream was weird because he just got engaged...

my whole world stopped. this is the part where the camera zooms in on the main character symbolizing the protagonist's world crushing in around them. i'm imploding right now!

does anyone else have regret in human form? well i do and it's not a good thing...i broke with this guy because he refused to budge on moving to los angeles with me...figured that meant he didnt' love me enough and packed my bags. over the years we've always kept in touch...i think that happened because secretly i always thought he'd come around. now that he's moved on in the most important kind of way i see just how important my move out here really was.

i left marriage...i left a possible family...i left my big love at home and now more than ever this acting dream needs to work. i'm yelling this out to the universe!!!! PLEASE work! i dreamed about my ex's life and it was true...maybe my dream about being at the oscars could be true too?...!!!

i can't have this regret swimming around in my heart.

j just called and reminded me that the ex, who is an architect, made me these horribly ugly sketches once as a gift lol...i loathed them...she brought this up to remind me that no self respecting tish could be with a guy that could produce that and expect me to love it lol...i'm laughing through my tears...friends are really saving my arse this year folks! you have no clue!!!

please God...hear my prayers:

i give my hard work over to your highest self. i know that all of this is working and is being directed for my highest good...amen!

secret life of bees part II

p.s.

the main cast of women did this movie for free too...

that's huge..that's momentous...it proves just how dear this story was to each one of them and how much they believed in the other talent on board. they shot the entire thing in 34 days too...

i saw all of this to hit home the fact, once again, that EVERYONE should see this movie.

ok i'm done. AND watch the presidential debate tonight : ) ok really done.

the secret life of bees

10.06.2008
i went to my first women in film screening tonight and saw the movie "secret life of bees" which was amazing. i didn't have a bud to take so i sat there and cried my big ole eyes out alone but it was alright. i read that book years ago randomly...just saw it in a bookstore and thought i'd bring it along on a road trip to new orleans with j and it turned out to be one of the most wonderful books i've ever read...i recommend the darn thing to everyone and give them the books (now i'll do the same for the dvd)

it's moving, brought me to tears many a time and was only 110 minutes lol...i don't know about ya'll but i love short & sweet flicks.

the cool thing though was the fact that the director and screen writer stayed for a brief q & a session. the woman up on the stage asking questions asked her everything i had prepared (and then some) so i felt like i had lost when they announced questions were over.

i cried a tiny bit inside as people rushed down to the stage for a chance to talk to gina as i quietly walked out. i knew she had left her film premiere in order to come and i felt bad...defeated i was but i saw her driver outside and got up the nerve to leave one of my acting business cards...i asked him politely and desperately to please hand it to her...i prayed that he would...and then prayed that she would actually keep it.

she sat on that stage and spoke about how she helped each actress give the kind of performances i dream of giving...if i could work with a director like that some day...sigh. i'd be a very happy girl.

so cross your fingers that random acts of pushiness, desperation and hope can stretch to eyes and brain of mrs prince-bythewood...and go check out the movie on october 17th. i promise you won't be disappointed.

p.s. bring tissue.

and then she was gone

it's uncanny how fast time seems to fly by when you need it to move as slow as possible.

one of my best buds flew in from kansas city and was gone in the blink of an eye. i feel like it was a dream she was even here in the first place.

i tried desperately to keep her visit as normal and chill as possible so we'd have goobers of time to sit and soak up our time to play and it STILL flew by in a flash. now i'm sitting here laughing because the minute she left life went back to my normal ho hum...i had to do laundry, my head shots came in the mail, i got a bracelet replaced...i'm printing out questions to ask gina prince-bythewood at a special viewing of 'the secret life of bees'. i wish i could share this kind of stuff with j...i wish we still lived 10 minutes apart like we did as kids...i wish we had the luxury of taking our proximity for granted...but alas...it takes serious cash and a rather large airplane to make any kind of magic happen.

is there some secret law of time i'm missin' here? why do the really fun times do that? while my boring days at work drag on and on...and on...

the mysteries of life and fun. sigh...

any one have a cure for the best bud blues?

crying eyeballs plead for good karma

10.01.2008
i was listening to npr a while ago and they were featuring this hip hop artist named jean grae that sounds incredibly dope and out there in just the ways i like.

the chick talks about all of this uber personal stuff including her ever looming neuroses and it's flippin refreshing as heck. i recommend everyone check her out. it's been a long time since i've heard someone sing their own truth...bluntly.

(i must mention she is definitely a 'fem-mc' so if you're not into hip hop...ya may not develop a jones for the lady) i won't cry if you don't. don't worry.

on the acting front i found someone that hooked me up with acting break downs for the industry...the big tv shows, new pilots and feature films...yes i felt like a pimp today. i wrote my agent and asked if it would be alright for me to go through these lists, pick out which ones i'm interested in auditioning for and politely send to him so he can throw my name in the mix. i'm crossing my fingers. he's a commercial agent which means i go on silly auditions for commercials and other lame crap but i'm hoping he still has the power to weazel his way into anything i need him to. if not i'll be shopping for a new agent which bites the big one because you have to have work in order to get an agent....you can't work without an agent though...lol is anyone else suffering from spinning head syndrome?

wish me luck. please please please cross your fingers...pray, think good thoughts about your dear friend tishy...do something that helps my karma. i promise if something great happens i'll come back to you and give you mad hugs and kisses...possibly a secret nod on camera that you and i have discussed beforehand.

i can't wait for the day when i'm NOT sitting in a conference room discussing healthcare issues i know not a darn thing about and doodling pictures of eyeballs crying...you think i'm joking?!

ha!


a love bigger than me

9.30.2008
Eight years ago I saw the most beautiful little girl come into this world and my life changed like I never thought it could.

First of all I used to be scared out of my mind that I would be a terrible mom…guess God could smell my fear. He made me a Godmommy instead so I could practice and see :)

I can remember being with my girl britt throughout her pregnancy and how scared and excited I was rushing from KU (I flew out my dorm room and was off) to the hospital 45 minutes away…She was born and I was the first to hold her and she looked up at me and I swear she knew exactly who I was. I fell deep for the little bundle in my arms.

“My child” as I call her wants to go to KU some day, she wants to be a writer (you know that one made my heart spill over with pride) and she’s as sweet as a spring day. Our lives mirror each other in a really eery way so I feel even more privileged and honored to be her Godmom.

One time when she was little she tried to shorten my name (I shortened my mom’s name to Mo so this made sense to me…) and called me “god” lol…Nothing’s changed…she amused me to no end when she was a baby and she continues to do so now.

Days like today make living so far away hard but maybe that’s a good thing for her lol…Who would want some older lady hovering over you all day kissin and huggin you in an embarrassing way? Yes, I’ve become THAT woman.

Happy Birthday W.S.M.P. lol (still mad at your mother for all those gosh darn names) You’re loved to the infinite power.
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