mental pen in hand

11.29.2007
school teaches us to regurgitate the words thrown at us. we're never taught how to learn-analyze-think... instead we're taught to recite. that lovely little skill follows us thru life--surpassing the confines of classrooms. i can't even count how many times i've spoutted "i'm fine. i'm strong. i'm self-knowing, assured and whole" when i didn't have a clue. i was told what strong looked like; that it was what a woman like me should be so i put on the hat and wore it well...reciting was my speciality.




this was definitely my year of self-discovery. for the first time ever i started learning from the inside out and concepts i'd use from the past actually became truth, felt right...felt good.



i've said it before, i'll say it again--books find me at just the right time. right now i'm supposed to be reading this book called _sweeter the juice_or something along those lines but the library wouldn't let me check it out any longer (conspiracy against slow poke readers i tell ya!) so i decided to pick up one of chele's many suggested readings, _when chickenheads come home to roost_ and i tell you i'm on cloud 9 with all the "yes girl!" moments i'm experiencing. this book has shown me how far i've come in my understandings of my own crazy warped mind.



two journals ago i wrote on the cover, "i will no longer be complicit in my own opression"...i wrote it, i'd recite it to folks, but i never really got it or lived its meaning.



that phrase was in the first chapter of this book...gave me my first aha moment...now you truly get it tishy...good girl. she lists acting anecdotes about being true to oneself, conflicting interpretations of femaleness and blackness, seeing the beauty in the things our friends do and truly appreciating and honoring them....it's a full circle kinda moment for me.



by no means am i done learning. every day's a new chapter but i feel like i have a good foundation now whereas i didn't in the past. joan morgan (the writer) even discusses how hard it is to look at oneself honestly and pull out the good the bad and the ugly. this woman had my number.



i just feel like things are coming into focus more. i'm applying everything i learn into acting niblets of truth..i'm learning all over the place...heck, denzel was on oprah the other day and i was sitting there, mental pen in hand. ya gots to. apply what you learn to what you love most...that's my new motto ;)



i have a ku/usc basketball game to attend this weekend along with an acting networking party on saturday so i should get plenty of little joys to make me flitter about. even in my lazy pissy mood that i've held onto this whole darn week i'm feelin' this good buzz underneath. gotta love it. alright. back to the book i go.



waiting on the big break,

tish

walk the line

11.26.2007
ahhh! i just got back from picketing at the disney studios. it was so nerve wracking. i was having issues with it all yesterday night...didn't know what to wear, didn't know if people would hate me for going up there since i'm not a writer...ahhh! nightmares. my mind would start to wonder off and i'd then i'd be pissed at myself for not focusing on what's most important. i got up this morning, checked my email, stalled for as long as i could and then hopped in the shower to get ready. i was so nervous i thought i'd puke.




when i finally set off i had THE hardest time finding my picketing site my girl told me to go to. i had a tiny bowl of cereal cuz i felt so sick that morning and it killed me. lol. i walked that ish off in 1 1/2 hours...pure speed walking to find my picketing location.



i started crying at one point because i thought i'd blown it...i wouldn't find the spot, i took off of work for nothing, angela would think i was a complete flake and not serious about my acting...things were racing thru my mind, the tall buildings around me were swirling around...and then i saw signs near where i was supposed to be and a mixed girl with caramel bouncy curls and i found home : )



all my nerves disappeared and it was just lovely. angela's great ya'll...we've emailed for over two years now but never really hung in person so i was really appreciative that she took me under her wing and made me feel like one of the gang. there was a writer doing a sketch for something and so on arrival i was immediately thrown into an acting scene. lol. i can't remember the site it'll post on but when i get it i'll let you know : ) the guy i acted with just happened to be the guy who wrote the episode of "all of us" that i was on lol....how small of a world is that mess?! i was telling him about the scene and we all started crackin' up.



i met some really cool writers (they're not what you think they'd look like--lanky pasty white boys with comb-overs) that had me crackin up for the 2 hours i was there...(if you're gonna strike you might as well strike with the funniest in the business--literally). writers from scrubs, all of us, girlfriends and lost were out on our block. i held my sign with pride and marched up and down the street. : ) good cause man!



it felt really good being out there. angela and a couple of the other writers said they were going to get together and form a pact that i would be on one of their shopped-for pilots. now that's the kinda love i'm talking about!!!



it's good to find people out there that want to see you do good, wanna make ya laugh and just wanna help period.



charlie brown, today was a very good day.

pull us to

11.23.2007
do you ever have the kinda days where you can't help but love and cherish everything around you? i don't necessarily think it's a manic high because i woke up this morning feeling whatever but i ate some good breakfast (thank goodness for smart start and fresh blueberries), picked out an outfit i feel comfortable in (thank goodness for pinks that aren't too pink that make me look like i'm blushing and my favorite jeans with a hole in the knee) and hopped in my car to meet my girl bree for a morning movie (thank goodness for christmas music, matinee flicks and other chicks who appreciate the flicks as much as i do)




we ended up seeing "august rush" and when i tell you that i've never been more moved. i've never encountered this story...this theory on human connection and it was absolutely one big emotional captivating masterpiece. i called my momma as i walked out of the theater to tell her it was my holiday gift to recommend that darn movie lol...that good. (thank goodness for some amazing writer out there who was given the opportunity to work with some of the best actors and musical composers out there) it's going on 2 hours later and i'm still sitting quietly on my couch thinking.



i walked into the theater this morning feeling totally bummed. you see movies are where i recharge...where my faith in my dreams are restored but for some reason i didn't think i'd be able to fill back up today...i saw preview after preview (you know they match previews with what they believe will be a similar quality twin flick) that had me tearing up. faith restored in a matter of 20 minutes. the first thought after seeing the first good preview "i don't care that there aren't that many women of color out there making great films they love and believe in--why not me. why can't i do whatever it is i feel in my heart i'm supposed to? why not?" and i just let go of all the fear and all the uncertainty of this whole industry and just enjoyed the magic of a good movie and the magic of whatever it is inside me that won't let me forget that i'm supposed to act, i'm meant to act. whether we like it or not the things we love--the things we're great at that remind folks just how close we are to the big guy upstairs--pull us to.



(thank goodness for the pull)



when i'm reminded...recharged, whatever it is you want to call it, things just feel right...i look in the mirror and my insecurities melt--i see me and i see something great. this year i'm thankful for everything, the heart ache, the shadows, the loneliness, the pain, all of it...it helped me to go in my head and look at everything, examine it and really get to know what makes me tick--what makes me me. it's lovely when you truly find yourself. i'm thankful for that gift and the fact that i can appreciate the journey it took. you always hear those quotes about the journey not the destination. i know that one day i'm gonna make it. i know it like i knew the ending to that movie today, and like that movie i'll still squirm in the middle of the story, waiting for the good ending--lose my breath in the first hour, stressed and feel stuff that freaks me out--but i'll have that certainty of knowing that the thing that makes me great will pull me towards it...i'm thankful...i'm thankful...i'm thankful.

happy turkey day

11.22.2007
i love a day that sets the precedence for giving thanks to those you love.




--love the ones you're with.

--take time to mentally list all the things you're thankful for...makes you feel loved in return

--grub lots

--watch the thanksgiving parade...it's just the best thang in the world and if you don't have many traditions you can start an easy one

--get up and run : )



all things i've done today...figured it couldn't hurt to pass on the goodness. i love all my friends and family that read this darn thing. thanks for being so great and supportive. it means the world to me...literally!

martha stewart watch out!

11.21.2007
so yeah thanksgiving is kind of a "big kid holiday" for me...i feel pressured always to grow up and actually contribute to the grubbin festivities. in the past i've done a pretty craptastic job i must say (hee hee) i mean there's my usual goodies that i love or what not but last year i made this hideous mexican dish that was DISGUSTING lol...and my ex and his whole fam ate that ish...sigh i was mortified. who knew california peeps don't carry rotel at their grocery stores...my bad!




anyways this year is my practice run. some day i'm gonna have a frickin' fam so i need to start pullin out the martha with some quickness...baby steps. this year i'm making some lovely pumpkin bread with fresh ground cinnamon (my favorite). i'm gonna put this cream cheese/cool whip frosting on it...just like my mo does...it's gonna be off the chain. i can smell that ish now!



so yes life is swell. i plan to wake up bright and early, run a mile to prepare the body for the gorge fest and then head over to my lovely b's home so we can play, cook and just hang...cuz that's what fam is for! i bought her, the kid and me tickets to see "enchanted" at the el capitan. tomorrow's gonna be a blast yo!



and this weekend....mwahaha...we got some jayhawk football to watch (thank you b for agreeing to enter jayhawk land in hollywood), good movies (august rush! woo wooo!) and slumber party goodness all around. i needed this warmth and good stuff cuz this week was a hard one.



on a funny note, i just got an audition notice from my agent that asks for astrology lovers who frequent star parties...lol. am i missin' something?!!!

oscar died

11.20.2007
yes...my beautiful oscar went kapoot...killed over, choked, checked out, peace.




everything happens for a reason though. i've definitely let go of my bad relationship past (this actually happened a while back but hey, it's never too late for a nice pat on the back). sadly, voldemort was the one who gave me oscar. yes...one of those lovely consolation prizes...and even though i loved that thing it was still tainted with evil poison (lol) so it died and i cried BUT the guy at the ipod store was totally flirting with my behind and came out of the back room with a brand new 80 gigger for me. introducing oscar jr aka O.J. : ) KAPOW!



(gun & gloves not included)



this guy was a funny man too ya'll. he pulls up my info, raises his eyebrow and asks me if i'm "voldemort"...obviously i'm not so i tell him it was a christmas gift...a very late christmas gift by the way--which means the darn thing should still be under warranty. he immediately turns into don juan and states that he must be a pretty great boyfriend to buy such a gift...(yes he really went there). i reply that he APPEARED to be when he WAS my boyfriend which really gets him going...he asks where i'm from and how long i've been single...tells me where he's from (mauqa) and then proceeds to tell me about his ex. nice...(note to all the menz out there--don't tell a girl all your drama when you first meet her...keep that for month 3)



ole boy was cute and flattering and i did walk away with o.j. but the most important part of this whole crazy story is the last tie to voldemort has been severed. just hearing his name in that store made my butt twitch. oh yeah baby! ipod boy even made sure to put my new ipod in my own name. ahhhh ain't ipod liberation a beautiful thang?!



woo hoooo! so if i've taken your music at some point in our friendship i'm gonna need to repeat that act buddies. o.j.'s hungry!!!



luv & kiwi!

in the stars

11.19.2007
so this was my lovely horoscope today...




You prefer being motivated by the potential of realizing fantasies and making dreams come true. Now, however, you may be over-analyzing everything so you don't get swept up in an illusion. Logic can help you stay grounded, but it won't give you your final answer. For that, you'll need to trust your intuition over the facts.



pretty darn important considering i've just about lost all faith in myself and the reasons i'm out here. just when i feel like it's over something brings back a little bit of my backbone. i'm on auto pilot right now. i've decided to take a day off of work and go to the picket line. the writer friend has suggested i go...i'm scared and not so good at networking but it's worth it...my dream's getting harder and harder, farther and farther. i have to work to make it reality.

tracking time

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,


measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In

inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you

measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of

love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure

the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or

the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out, tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember

the love! Remember the love! Remember

the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

Today I arrived at work and was joking with an associate about our weekends when another colleague came up and told us that a good friend of ours had gone home on Friday to find that her husband had passed away at some point in the day. he was sitting peacefully on the couch when she got home from work and she just thought he was sleeping but when she walked over to him and looked at his face she knew he was gone.

It was the hardest thing to hear. My heart broke and I almost slapped the woman who told me—I just couldn't get it thru my head that she was telling me the truth. I kept thinking it was horrible gossip...it wasn't true

When I say this man was this woman's everything... they fell in love in high school and had been together for 20 plus years...she would come bursting into work happy and joyful (I don't use those words lightly--she really would) and just radiate…tell stories about how wonderful and sweet he was...

it's a scary thought--the idea of losing one's soul mate. what do they do if that person is taken away? makes love a beautiful and scary thing all at once.

Love is so important. I lost a parent when I was young and so this type of thing is constantly going thru my head, "tell the ones you love that you do all the time because you never know when it could be the last time" it's just necessary. keep your life real and honest…it's so short. I know my friend will be sad for a very long time…understatement I realize…but she'll always have the memory of a great love…no regrets—just good memories. She could honestly measure her marriage years with love…in my opinion it's the only way to track time.

a series of unfortunate events

11.18.2007
unfortunately bad days are inevitable...lucky for me though i'm shedding that day's skin and starting fresh. as soon as i blog about it i think i can let it go properly.




the weekend started out cool as heck. my girl b and i decided we needed some much needed date time so after work we met up at a mall (b's favorite place in the whole world--i think she'd skip thru it if she could). we ate some good food, discussed our past week, discussed picking up my play brother from the airport in a couple of hours (you know the fun stuff) and just enjoyed each other's company.



she helped me memorize some lines for an acting workshop on saturday, went with me to pick up the boy and accompanied us to dinner at mexicali where we promptly ordered more yummy food and some great tequila. it was swell but we stayed up (the three of us) way too late talking into the wee hours of the morning and then woke up at 7:30 to go hiking/running and it plum tuckered me out. i knew it was a bad idea to stay up late--being that i had lines to cement and such but your play bro only comes once in a blue moon so the devil on my shoulder drop kicked my angel and you get the rest.



i was so tired going into that acting workshop. i got there early and sat beside these two other actresses that were comparing notes (both recent la transplants, etc.) i tried to join in the conversation but they were really snooty and competitive...sitting on the 'casting couch' is never my cup of tea. EVERYONE has a SAG card, EVERYONE's been in la only for a short time but has already gotten tons of work, they have fabulous resumes (one chick was bragging about her silly training at some prestigious acting school and how acting classes were trivial--i wanted to beat her upside her head and remind her of all the craptastic folks that currently have roles on national tv--without an impressive resume....no one gives a hoopty which dumb school you went to!) then she proceeded to burp....many burps. it was the weirdest FUNKIEST ish ya'll...they weren't even cute little burps, they were the nasty funky meaty kind and she just kept saying "oh excuse me" like that was supposed to help any...burp girl was trying her hardest to wreck my flow and she did a damn good job of it.



after a bit the casting director in charge of the workshop sat down and began to talk to us about acting and then answered our questions...i sat there peacefully and calmly taking notes on what she said up until the point where she mentioned you can't get national tv work if you're not SAG period...a detail that my fabulous agent said didn't matter. i sat in my little chair under the stage lights and almost cried...my whole world almost came crashing down at that point. all i could think about was that show i'm always talking about--the one my writer friend has promised me an audition for. how am i supposed to audition for a part that i want more than life itself if i'm not gonna even be able to get passed the first door?!



i was too tired to even think. i got into my one on one with the casting chick and fudged up so bad. she let me do it again but my head wasn't there...i forgot ALL my lines...all of them and they were so good...they were HILARIOUS and i owned those damn lines...only to forget them and then receive a comment from the c.d. saying, "you need to stay in the moment, i didn't feel like you really knew the scene"...sigh. that's an actor's worst nightmare...basically means you can't act in a really nice way. i left the place with my head down and i never really recovered. for the first time ever i felt the sheer uncertainty of the life i chose. i had to put on a happy face for my friends but i did a crummy job of it. (acting abilities and confidence out the door)



i cried a little. my heart broke a little and i felt so lonely...my friends all have paths they chose and have executed quite well. i just felt like my "tish" (the bravery, esteem, confidence and strenth)--was slippin off its axis. i woke up this morning desperately seeking out things that make me feel happy and good...i watched some oprah's i had recorded, read some and just did me and when i started to come back i began to list the things i could do to get back on track.



my writer friend, who is on the picket lines, has asked me to come and join her and i just might do that next monday...see if i can get some time off from work. i need to be around the peoples i want to be my peoples. i decided i'll write my agent too and find out the necessary steps i need to get into SAG. i'm writing them down and big bold print and posting them at my desk so that i can see that stuff every day and get it...



people say i'm not doing enough out here but i don't know what to do so i just wonder about the streets of la wondering when my break will magically appear.



this weekend sucked but it was a good, no great, wake up call. i have no idea what i'm doing out here. i have no idea if my big leap of faith will pay off and that scares the crap out of me. i just keep thinking over and over "this has got to work out for me. it just has to!"



a series of unfortunate events...the acting stuff, stressful la traffic this weekend, oscar-my ipod-died on me yesterday... these things in the past would have sent me straight to my room crying but now i'm learning...getting pushed down just teaches me a new and interesting way to get back up--i'm the queen of getting back up!



my play brother asked me if this is what i really wanted...if i should just give up and i told him what i tell everybody...giving up isn't an option to me...and i'm not saying that in a cliche kinda way. it literally is not an option. something deep down tells me this is what i'm supposed to do...nothing else for now tish--this is it and it's strong enough to force me to listen and do.



so forewarning...i'll listen to just about anything you've got to say, but i won't & can't listen to jibber jabber about giving up. that's like saying stop breathing....it' s not an option.



i need a fairy godmother...that's the only option i'm open to at this point.

practice for the perfect

11.15.2007
Have you ever been writing a paper, 10 something pages in…doing great….and then all of a sudden your computer goes kerplunk?…you've forgotten to save and have now lost everything? You get angry then freaked out that you'll never get it back thinking it'll never be as good. used to happen to me all the darn time back in college.


when you begin to write again though, this miraculous thing happens: you have more familiarity…usually write with more ease because you've been there before…maybe a tad hostile but your writing tends to come out better. I need to apply this life lesson to my thanksgiving week.

So I had plans and they went kerplunk HARD so now i'm starting over again…and the plans are gonna be better than before. I've decided that my non-cooking self is gonna do something big kiddish and actually stick my behind in the kitchen and make something I would never attempt to do in front of anyone else. Practice for the perfect if you will. I'm going to create something great…something my shero, the barefoot contessa, would do : ) oh yes people…

It's taken me YEARS to learn that it's always better the second time around...in my case the third, fourth, fifth... I used to get so down on myself for lost (fill in the blanks). What I've learned: Take a moment for a necessary temper tantrum and then move the heck on…your better more perfect is waiting to begin.

looking for one's greatness

11.14.2007
by now most of you have seen the you tube video about paul potts, the english bloke/cell phone salesman who awed simon from american idol and had an audience of thousands in tears...during his cam time before he sang he told the cameras that he always had self doubt but something greater than him knew he was supposed to go after the one thing he knew in his heart he was great at. i watched the guy sing and i started tearing the heck up...you could see the life rush into him...rare moment.

it's rare that you get to see someone exhibiting their greatness and loving the moment their in...actually thankful in the process. so many people take their greatness for granted. start taking it for granted or forgetting it's a gift...

it was lovely watching paul potts sing. i love that i keep getting these bursts of energy to keep going--i find inspiration all the time. i thank God for those moments : )

on beauty

11.13.2007
I've mentioned before that I love my neighborhood. Finding beauty in the valley is hard lol…I spent months trying to find a neighborhood that didn't involve me twitching and I definitely hit the jackpot when I found the little place I reside in now. I run thru the neighborhood from time to time and I can't help but smile. I want it all…big city living with a small town neighborhood.


This morning as I was pulling out of the garage I saw a man in the condos across from me painting on his patio and once again I wanted to toot my own lucky horn for finding this place.

Ladies there ain't nuthin' more sexy than a man painting at 7 in the morning either! mmm mmm MMM!

that word

Brace yourselves. I'm about to vent like a mutha b.


before I moved to California I can remember a girl on a film set telling me all the great things about her state…how there was eternal sunshine, the ultimate acting opportunities, blah blah blah and most importantly how tolerant the state was…she bragged and bragged about how open and diverse people were and how it was so horrible in the Midwest…being that I went to a high school that could boast having 4 black kids in the whole school I thought this was uber up my alley and I skipped along to la, ready for my land of minority plenty.

I was given a hard reality check when I arrived. Yes, there is a bountiful amount of different people walking the streets but alas there are a fair amount of individuals here that believe because they happen to have a friend of a certain ethnicity or race it's acceptable for them to use slurs and racial epitaphs including my personal favorite, the n word. I grew up in liberty, Missouri: Land of cute suburban chicks. Some would refer to me as sheltered, a goody goody and whatever else that means a sista ain't gully (look that up in urban dictionary it's great!) but God help me… watch fire come out of my nose if you use that word around me. Let the twitching begin!

What kinda backwards crap is this mess?! If I heard one more person say, "I knew a black person back in the day so I can use the word" I will snap. This does not entitle you to that word and definitely don't think that just because I speak a certain way and am racially ambiguous that some how I'm going to be sympathetic to you using that word around me like I'm not black uh...you'll get a verbal warning and then I don't know what craziness will come out after that.

An ex-friend and I used to battle over this crap…it's just a word blah blah blah. No it's not—and if you feel it's all semantics then come up with your own new word to express camaraderie with your peeps, homies and whoever else.

Valley kids beware…I dare you to take that philosophy to other states and neighborhoods with the excuse that you knew so and so back when…

try picking up a book and reading about the history of the word. ignorant butts…

I drop the mic.

san diego weekend

11.11.2007
ah what a great weekend. my loner road trips are swell. this one was no different.




my wedding date from kc just so happened to be walking in a 3 day walk for breast cancer in san diego this weekend so i agreed to meet her and one of my other gal pals. turns out coordinating a point where they'd walk by was a little difficult so i decided to leave a little later and grab'em for dinner. that meant the morning was mine.



i woke up early and hiked, cleaned up my place, watched some oprah, took my time packing some good snacks and then headed off. i had tunes and enough cheese stick peel thingies to keep me quite happy during the nasty traffic puttering along on the 5 freeway so the drive was great. gave me time to think and sing loudly and obnoxiously in the car.



i made it in 4 hours lol (i got a little lost trying to find the park where my gals were staying) and then we were off to locate a kansas city bbq spot that kim had found on our alumni web site. turns out there were tons of jayhawks there but no jayhawk football game (which was the frickin point of going there) so we skipped the bbq (sniff) and set out to hunt for an establishment with satellite tv. ended up at some seafood restaurant that folks promised would have the game...we came charging in with our cute little tees on and our puppy dog pleas but alas we never saw the game...



instead we got some grub and text scoring updates...i'm kinda used to the west coast hating on the big xii so i got over it quick. :)



after i dropped the girls back off at their camp site i headed to my girl akiba's for a slumber party. (you guys know i'm a sucker for one!) we watched the color purple--there are still people in this world who have never seen that movie gosh darn it! laughed with the girls, met some cool people, a new friend, age 2, who stole my heart and basically had a blast. grammama stayed up until 3 in the frickin morning...that's unheard of. seriously.



then today was frickin cool as heck. ms thing took me to her frickin place of employment which happens to be where olympians train and my mouth hit the ground. it was almost like i was back at stanford. (i freak a little when in the presence of greatness)...it kinda hit home that my buddy is this amazing athlete chick...a tiny bit surreal to look around and see pics and memorabilia from great moments in olympic history but you know lol. i warned her that our lunch in her cafeteria would wind up in the good ole blog. i was expecting super food by the way (it was normal stuff) but i will admit that after eating some beets in my salad i felt like i could run the mile in 2.5 minutes...just saying.

..



after lunch we watched american gangster, which was a really good film. it's crazy that one can sympathize with a murderer/drug dealer but ya do...i caught myself being proud of the brutha for accomplishing so much and then remembering the means to his ends lol...sigh. love the heroes hollywood gives us or tells us about rather since it's a true story.



anyways after the flick i sucked it up, admitted i had to get back to the real world and headed home. great drive back-- talked to my j for an hour or so about our weekends and the drive was done like that.



it was great weekend and now that my slumber party bug has returned i'm about to go nuts with planning the next one. : )

night....

ooh i just wanna lay in her hair

11.08.2007
there are moments where i remember that at one time i was a "we" and i try to remember all the healthy memories i enjoyed about being a "we" and one of the better ones was my hair. weird?




i work out after work, then shower so every night i go to sleep with soft sheep like big curls all around my face and i remember an ex that used to love to sleep in my hair...reminds me of an interlude by andre 3000 (i just wanna lay in her hair) lol..my best friend and i giggle every time we hear it. so yeah right now i am giggling about a boy laying in my hair...takes some of my peachiness away...



let me explain...so today was my "i get to be as bad as i wanna be" day. listen it may sound horrible but some days ya just have bad days and everything annoys the ish out of you so the real annoying people REALLY annoy you so my j told me i could be bad and she said she'd be bad too and it felt good learning i could be bad : )



i was a real peach and i'm so loving it..hee hee...tomorrow i can be good but i recommend being a peach for just one day...maybe try to be as alone as you possibly can so your friends still wanna be your friends the next day (may have burned some work relationship bridges today--hee hee) i told you i'm a peach today!!!



alright. i'm going to go to sleep in my hair now : )

color me bewitched

11.04.2007

sigh...i'm a sucker for this movie...a sucker for mr. darcy. i gotta love jones!

i don't know if it's the movie, my best friend's recap of her honeymoon or the vanilla & lavendar candles burning in my darn bedroom but i'm obsessed with love quirks today. i read my gal pal vikk's blog and there was this lovely picture of her and her husband...someone took a secret pic...caught them in a really sweet and sincere moment and it made my heart swell...

i have a guy friend who is the worst kind of cynic on love you can imagine. his thoughts and theories have me shaking my head and rolling my eyes on the regular...i just want to shove all the love i witness into him to shut him up. seeing i guess is believing and fortunately for me i see luuuuuv where ever i go : )

the little twerp is coming to visit for thanksgiving weekend. i figure i have a good amount of time to build up my amo for this one. lol...are all men this darn cynical? the socio-emotional differences between the sexes is ridiculous. lol...ridiculous i say!

let's do coffee

11.03.2007
lets do coffee, your people and my people...




i just had my first official la meet and greet and it was really cool! i arrived first cuz i'm nervous like that and got my lovely little chai tea and waited for the business manager. we discussed what they're working on--he asked why i came to la...what i want to get out of the city--all that good stuff and then was flabbergasted by my intentions to work with him and 'the director'. i just want to be in the mix. learn how it all works...ALL of it and if that means stapling papers and making phone calls so 'the director' can get his work out there so be it.



it was really cool. we'll see where this goes. it all makes me feel so much more alive. just give me ten minutes and let me tell you why i'm here and what i'm gonna be...you'll see lights shoot out of my eyes!

homage to the art of acting

11.02.2007
guys...




i signed up for my first acting workshop since early 2006. it felt good ya'll!!! i'm gonna get my wonderful little script to memorize. i'll feel the butterflies again. i'll stand in front of an expert and let them help and i'll get betta and betta. i love it! this is what a raise is for...



in the spirit of paying homage to great acting i went and saw a movie i've been dying to see for weeks now: things we lost in the fire. there are seriously limited amounts of vocabulary that can describe how beautiful and real that movie was. i was hesitant to see it because of the reviews but i'm so glad my stubborn behind didn't listen. for the first time EVER i fell in love with halle berry the actress. she was hauntingly beautiful...she was both simple and complex...just like this dang story and it was so good...so special i couldn't cry...i couldn't miss it. you could tell this director loved this story and made sure to show it. i recommend everyone see it. just see it. ugh...and then come and talk to me about it! my boy d went along and thanked me for volunteering him for the role of movie bud so fellas you can see it too and be moved. there was all this spanish music playing in the background and it's sticking with me...i can hear it in my heart..sigh. see the movie. appreciate great directing, writing (hopefully the strike ends quickly) and most importantly for me inspirational acting.



this is my juvenile diabetes walk weekend plus i'm meeting with that director and his business manager tomorrow. things are definitely shakin' up in a good way.

i felt my purpose...don’t take that in a naughty way

11.01.2007
i just got out of a pretty darn awesome meeting. i just got a raise and promotion so we were discussing in this meeting when to tell the staff among other things and my director said, "you do realize this means you are obligated to stay with us for another year". i agreed and then added, "unless halle or a soap calls and then i gots to go" and i was completely serious. it felt oh so good to say that out loud...to my director of all people. it felt real... confidence felt good. "really goood" (nacho libre)




(flashback) i remember sitting at a bus stop outside of one of my college classes reading _white teeth_ and telling a boy i had just met (soon to become one of my best buds) in a confidant manner that i was going to be an actress. he told me years later that he never forgot "that tish"...a girl who knew her future and one that he believed possible.



good to know i'm still in there!



i walked out of my office building and just felt this wonderful breeze of peace and calm... i just felt like it's going to happen soon--that my life will have the purpose i have lived and worked hard for--like the trees swaying i will do what i am supposed to do too.



i've made some terrible mistakes, followed along paths that lead to not so great things but it all prepared me to be something...i'm gonna be somethin' ya'll!!!

netflix

oh how tragic...a girl who loves movies...movie-less.




USED TO BE!



you are now reading about a gal with a netflix account and countless movies in her queue to keep her nice and full.



oh yeah
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