greatness in one's corner

10.30.2007
you know i've grown more this year than any other point in my adult life. i feel like my time as a single and independent one has allowed me to be calm, more peaceful and clear. clear to see the crap that i used to buckle to. ladies, if you speak to a man and you hear complaints, judgments and criticisms let him go. he may be a good man but he's not the best man for you. i can see this clearly, i can react calmly and feel peaceful about my decisions.

i want to find that someone but i'm not really into the settling thing. people have been telling me ever since i moved to los angeles that my acting would come first...that i needed to focus and i agree. i just mailed a headshot to a soap star...a big soap star. i was given the go and the address. i emailed it and then went back to my computer to look up the man. my jaw almost hit the floor. he will personally take that darn picture of me and give it to 'his people'...i could possibly (no will) be in the background of a major soap. the people in charge will love me and give me a perm place and there i will be. my first official acting gig...

now i know...i'm gonna make it, with or without a guy by my side, but definitely with some great arse friends! and just for the record my fat (guy best friend) just called to discuss how i'm about to do the darn thing. man it's nice to have greatness in your corner!

what we have here is a failure to communicate

Oh how lovely it 'tis to witness the art of communication failure.






I ain't gotta lie to kick it…I'm obsessed with watching the bachelor. The women annoy me and the men aren't usually that bright…or attractive actually but there's just something about watching people present their supposed best self to try to impress someone they barely know that gets my reality tv antennae blaring!





I watched the funniest ish last night on one of my recorded episodes. Boy tells tv he's scared to sit down and talk with girl because he says one thing and girl hears something completely different. So boy sits with girl and says he's confused because he doesn't feel the same about her as he does about all the other girls and sees them having more of a friendship. Girl promptly and gleefully starts rambling on about how she feels the same way and can see babies and marriage in their future…wha?! Huh? what the heck did she just hear? Funny how you hear what you want to hear, see what you want to see.





This girl didn't receive a rose at the end of the night and was flabbergasted ya'll…out of her mind bawling like a big ole baby…all based off of a fabrication she told herself that really had nothing to do with any real connection she had with boy. Sigh…





Note to self and others: try to really live in the present and listen listen listen. God gave us two ears and only one mouth for a reason yo!

the day after

10.29.2007
the first day back at work after a long week of wonderful is a hard hard day.




i found myself feeling weird...for the past week i've been eating breathing and sleeping the idea of family...of home...of love and honestly i'm a little fuzzy on the details...things start to blur for me.



some definitions are expanding while others keep shrinking and thru it all i just wonder if i'll ever truly know what each of those words above really mean. why's it so hard dang it?



when i was in kc i found out that i may have an "in" with a soap opera. i'm bringing in a head shot tomorrow. i'm back on track to meet with that director i mentioned before and his business manager. i'm helping him shop a film he's just completed. these are the building blocks to keeping sanity.



it's funny but at the wedding someone casually asked me about acting stuff but then got hard core energetic when inquiring about my own wedding...when my turn would come. lol...the importance of different dreams varies from person to person obviously.



what's really important? does one thing HAVE to lead to others? is happiness a one step process? "do step 1, attaching dream a to dream b and then you can move on to step 2...final product--a life fulfilled"...



i'll see now won't i. : )

what a wonderful world

10.28.2007
cheers to milestone moments, best friends and weddings that seriously renew faith in the possibilities of a great friendship/love!




i just had one of the most fantastic and special weeks of my life. my tear ducts have never produced that much water. i feel like everything built up to that moment.



every memory, every moment of my friendship with my amazing friend prepared me to experience her wedding with a complete an open heart. i was so happy for her. there are countless pictures people took where i'm tearing up and emotional because she was just so happy and beautiful and the ceremony...it was all so perfect. i've NEVER witnessed something so surreal. every guest kept exclaming how great the wedding was..the best they had ever been to. it felt like the whole thing was a dream.



this morning i woke up at 1:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. everything was flashing thru my head. meeting her for the first time, our childhood talks and dreams, her world's circle completing itself. she walked into her reception room announced as a mrs and i had to let the little kid in her go and embrace the new. she played "count on me" performed by whitney houston and cece winans and the night was complete. we danced our little hearts out and laughed even harder.



i'm having a hard time verbalizing everything that happened over the weekend...when words don't exist in the english language i revert to tears, hand signals and grunts...not savvy for blogging i'm afraid.



i hardly slept, ate or drank all week and weekend. the nerves were wrapped up in a cute little orange bow. i'm sitting here back in la and i'm just trying to catch up my brain.



i'm wondering why bliss has to accompany brain malfunctions. i swear i was living in the moment...trying to hold on to every detail, every word...and i'm still left wondering how it went by so fast.



i have processed one thing correctly though...i am a lucky woman. a very lucky one.



[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : 3-13

Posted Date: : Oct 22, 2007 10:08 PM

crazy story to share.



so my gram sends me emails every morning--pep talks if you will. they make me giggle and remind me that i have a cute thang back home that i love dearly...even if most emails consist of a weather report and who's asleep in the house (i just think it's an older gram kinda thing to do) i still love to get them. they're always entertaining and every once in a blue moon she reveals a nugget about her youth that floors me and has me laughing hysterically. her email the other day was a little freaky though...



so she writes me and tells me that she randomly woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, looked down at her clock and noticed it was 3:13 (my birthday numbers) so she wrote me this long email spouting bits of luck here and there saying something was about to happen for me. i'm of course a cynic when it comes to such things so i giggled and started watching the morning news. there was a story about rising gas prices. they zoomed in on the price and it read $3.13...at that point i got goose bumps but still shrugged it off. later at work i looked down at my ipod and it was on the third song of 13 tracks... the song was called "wonderful world"



lol finally gram had my attention



i'm not good with numbers and what it all means so i went to the only thing that i could find 3 & 13 in..the bible and it came to a passage that read: Corinthians 3:13. -->v--> Every man's work shall be manifest. For the day of the Lord shall declare it, because it shall be revealed in fire. And the fire shall try every man's work, of what sort it is.



my mom thinks that that day last week was the first day of the rest of my life. i have NO clue but i figure some day i'll know...your thoughts?

-->VRSEa_1co_3:13--> -->VRSEn_1co_3:13-->

3-13

10.22.2007
crazy story to share.




so my gram sends me emails every morning--pep talks if you will. they make me giggle and remind me that i have a cute thang back home that i love dearly...even if most emails consist of a weather report and who's asleep in the house (i just think it's an older gram kinda thing to do) i still love to get them. they're always entertaining and every once in a blue moon she reveals a nugget about her youth that floors me and has me laughing hysterically. her email the other day was a little freaky though...



so she writes me and tells me that she randomly woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, looked down at her clock and noticed it was 3:13 (my birthday numbers) so she wrote me this long email spouting bits of luck here and there saying something was about to happen for me. i'm of course a cynic when it comes to such things so i giggled and started watching the morning news. there was a story about rising gas prices. they zoomed in on the price and it read $3.13...at that point i got goose bumps but still shrugged it off. later at work i looked down at my ipod and it was on the third song of 13 tracks... the song was called "wonderful world"



lol finally gram had my attention



i'm not good with numbers and what it all means so i went to the only thing that i could find 3 & 13 in..the bible and it came to a passage that read: Corinthians 3:13. -->v--> Every man's work shall be manifest. For the day of the Lord shall declare it, because it shall be revealed in fire. And the fire shall try every man's work, of what sort it is.



my mom thinks that that day last week was the first day of the rest of my life. i have NO clue but i figure some day i'll know...your thoughts?

-->VRSEa_1co_3:13--> -->VRSEn_1co_3:13-->

the fires

i'm fine every body. the fires are pretty bad but i'm out of harm's way for the time being. i leave for kansas city this wednesday which is helping my parents' nervous systems function normally. i'll let you know if anything changes. i can see the smoke and flames and smell things burning but it's all coming from far away. southern california is changing before our eyes...

magical realism

10.21.2007
my favorite professor in college used to speak of magical realism in the writings she loved. i was always fond of a genre that would combine fantastic or dreamlike elements with realism. in my opinion a little bit of magic was what a gal needs in her life.








as a kid i was obsessed with the idea of magic. on st patty's day i'd run outside early morning and stay until early night searching for leprechauns poking sneakly out of trees. at christmas time i'd stay up waiting for the jolly one and after reading the lion, the with and the wardrobe i sat in a closet in our downstairs coat room for two whole hours waiting for my wall to open up. the day i found out that none of those things would happen was a sad sad day. i was desperate to witness some magic...maybe i still am.



i'm sitting here watching prancer, one of my mother's favorite flicks...it doesn't matter that it's a christmas movie, the lady can watch this all year round. it's the story of this little girl that believes in magic and christmas and in doing so helps a reindeer get home and a town believe in christmas again. really cute and endearing...it's a classic in the keller household. it's on hbo all the time. check it out.



today for some reason the little girl that waits for leprechauns is in full swing. i'm in the mood for some reality mixed with dreamlike elements. and i think i'll get my wish. maybe growing up doesn't have to mean we become cynical and out of touch with magic...maybe we just expand our definition to see more than just the kinds that require stardust and fairies.



this week ahead is going to be so great. hopefully i'll get to write but if not you'll hear how hanging with one of my buddies watching heroes and eating sushi causes ms tishy to float on air, how chilling with my girl gale and ms b on tuesday night to eat great food and see a must see flick (why did i get married) expanded my smile to look like that of the cheshire cat and most importantly how flying to see my best friend marry her fiance, every bit the soul mate cupid chose for her, caused my heart to grow three sizes too big, then burst with tears and come back together more whole than ever before.

i love me some magic.





"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper"

tish in a nutshell

10.17.2007
for some reason my thoughts are all over the place today therefore i've written a hodgepodge of blogs and lumped them together. just call me Kerouac...stream of conscious can be cool.






Living truths





I have this poster board hanging in the hallway of my bedroom that displays all the representations of dreams and goals I want in my life, along with current personality quirks I possess and so forth.











Sometimes when I get ready in the morning I take a minute to go over as much as I can on it and just soak it all in. there's one section though that always requires a couple of extra seconds. For reasons I did not know at the time I put up a saying asking, "Can I be honest". I've always been a pretty honest up front kinda gal but even the most open individuals have their omissions. This ain't new jibber jabber. We all know this but why must we do it?





In acting classes across the nation you'll sooner or later hear a coach ask you why you've committed to such and such. You can't just say anything or do anything without a hidden intention…Being a great actor is all about having great instinct and really coming to terms with the intentions you're bringing to the table. Why can't this apply to real life? I know people that are in relationships that don't work but put on a happy smiles and tell the world at large things are great, people that lie about their age, their hair color, their hair length, their infidelity, their bad gas …and for what?! Why do we lie and say it's all gravy?!...Who do we have to impress other than ourselves? Life is so short and we all deserve happiness...In my opinion ignorance ain't no kinda bliss...and why claim unneeded drama?!



Koko the virtual trainer

J gets to travel every so often for her job and it's swell. She always comes back with some great stories and some interesting new fitness industry toys but this last trek to Chicago took the cake. She came across a cool new gizmo called koko—a virtual trainer. The darn thing tells you when to rest, when to start up again, how you should be training, what you should be doing…life don't get much better than that peeps.











I just wish I could get a koko for all other areas of life. Kokos would sell like hot cakes! Imagine if you will a koko for sad times. Ok bella you're allowed to cry for 2.5 hours and then you must stop. You may cry hysterically. Big tears and heaving are allowed but after that 2.5 hour mark you must move on to writing in your journal and grooming your dog.





Or if you will, try out koko the worker bee. Koko calculates your interests, strong points, weak points and then proceeds to give you instructions on where to work, how long to work, etc. etc.





Koko the nutritionist. "If you take one more bite of that your stomach will begin to warp into a bubble gut wielding machine. Put down the dairy product now"





A wedding to remember





Sigh…6 days until I make the trek back to kc for my best friend's wedding. I can't believe that it's almost here. Just yesterday I was sitting on the phone while my best friend's now fiancé nervously asked if I could help him plan the proposal and now…this wedding means so much. it's a serious mile marker for j. I can remember us as kids back in jr high having a slumber party in her parents' basement and discussing our dreams for the future. That little 14 year old girl in j is smiling right now.





The wedding details will come later but for now I'm just giddy to get there and eat lovely food, drink great wine and laugh my arse off with the one who occupies a big ole chunk of my heart. There's nothing like celebrating with the ones you love! this wedding has come to symbolize so much for me. I'm sure j has a different spin (hee hee) but for the woman of honor (that'd be me yo!) it's huge that I'm going to witness her starting a new chapter of her life and celebrating something that I seriously believe in—that being her love for good ole mr fiancé.









Giving Heart





The spirit of charity and giving has been all around me lately. A good friend of mine from back home went thru some painful and challenging procedures last year so that she could provide eggs to a woman who couldn't produce any of her own. she ended up having twins which recently decided to pop into the world. I think it's really beautiful and amazing what she did and she and those babies seriously warm my heart. It takes a strong and loving individual to help a family out like that.





Then there's the lovely juvenile diabetes walk I'll be doing here soon. It's almost addicting raising money for this. Every dollar I raise I swear I visualize going straight into my dad's pancreas. Is it wrong that I get something out of all this? It's not a selfless act. It's almost addicting to be a part of something bigger than my life. I've encountered some really amazing hearts and have gotten back the sweetest responses from friends and family who want to help out. diabetes and I are not friends…the disease proved quite challenging for a kid with a parent living with the diagnosis. Now I'm ready to kick its arse any way I can.







alright...i think i've gotten out everything out. i feel better. night, night. ta ta[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : avante garde...and all that jazz

Posted Date: : Oct 16, 2007 8:38 PM

i haven't been able to write for quite some time (that's a big duh from the peanut gallery). i've been hacking away in my journal trying to verbalize what it is that's sent me to the land of blues and back again. i think i've somewhat figured it out. i've been going thru life waiting for my norm to hit, waiting for my dreams to fly, waiting for things to steady out, waiting for the harmony to flow and it's just not workin' out that way.



i was listening to miles the other day and for the first time i could really hear the improvisation in his music. fell in love all over again... like a miles' song my life follows a basic rhythm: the people around me, society's rules and social norms all keep on beat. life keeps moving forward and i'm moving but it's skattered and all over the place. for a long time now i've been disappointed in that aspect of my life but for the time being my outlook has changed.



i sat last week crying my eyes out and then my best friend started talking to me and she got thru. your friends are supposed to tell you good things to cheer you up but she sincerely showed me how she sees me. i needed to see myself thru the eyes of someone i trust and love.



i had managed to bruise my own ego pretty well. i wore the smile but it wasn't sincere. i've always been strong. i've always known my limit. i've always known when to say enough and pick myself back up but this time i couldn't. in one day i got bad news from my job, got a cruel email right after that, saw someone that brings out the ugly in me, delt with the closure of bad dating decisions and it all culminated into a ball that i quickly analyzed and attached to the list of "why my life sucks".



sometimes you just need to cry.



everyone close to me had advice. my dear grandma told me "all that glitters ain't gold", j gave me endless encouragement and reminded me of my divine kiwi power, b sat me down and dissected the behaviors of the cruel people tainting my life and little by little my damn spine started to come back. i don't know what happened. yes, i have specific goals that i aspire to achieve, can be my own worst critic and self-analyze on a daily basis..this all contributed but i'm scared to think that maybe my faith and hope is dwindling. it's literally all i have so i can't lose it.



i don't know how many years i can be fabulously skattered and still win the approval of my inner tish but there are some good things i'm focusing on right now so i'm ok. i have to ask though, how do people get thru their 20's in one piece?!



i'm learning so much about my character it's unreal but it don't come easy.



and the trumpet keeps blowing...

memory lane

10.06.2007
every so often i wake up early on saturday mornings and do what i've done since the first week i moved to los angeles. i make the trek to pasadena and get my eyebrows did. (i have a weird compulsive thing with them--think it stems from the unibrow i had to grow up with)




so today i woke up with a little bounce in my step and headed over. lovely cool morning drive...made it there early so i had a chance to grab a chai tea latte at the starbucks across the way and then went and window shopped.



i love my darn pasadena mornings...sometimes i bring my guests out there and take them to mi piace (this wonderful italian place that makes the prettiest breakfasts in the world) there are beautiful people walking around--women in yoga get ups, men with weekend jeans and ivy caps (my favorite things in the world)... old men playing instruments on the corners...people drinking their morning coffee at the little tables outside of restaurants--everyone quiet and happy. sigh...



i get great messages at my place so by the time i made it into my spot i was gliding on cloud 9...i love it when i know life's about to get even more swell. you can imagine my heart ache now when i tell you my lovely lady told me that she was moving...that my lovely little spa place is moving...to a mall no less. i will admit that i did cry a little and it wasn't from the wax i'm afraid.



i decided to stay in pasadena a little longer than i usually would just to enjoy my last time there. i found that place my first week here when i used to live over in eagle rock--this tiny little community about 4 minutes away from old town pasadena. so many memories in this tiny little area. the stores, the people, the food...then after that i decided to go down into my old neighborhood and check things out...drove by the place where la started for me...



driving down memory lane was nice today. really nice...



i'm not big for changes but they're inevitable so what's a girl to do. friends are getting engaged, married, having babies, getting promotions, moving on, letting go...these things that shape our lives are funny things.



while some define their lives by such changes like marriage and divorce, i'm defining myself by car accidents lol...and PROMOTIONS! i guess i shouldn't leave that out...while i may not be corporate i still know how to reach for that glass ceiling!!!



i'm not in a pity me mood though. one big thing has changed in my life...i'm suddenly not so sure about some of my wishes...and if you don't know exactly what you're asking for it's not a good idea to push for it so hard.



i'm just now learning about little ole me. i figure God's creating this quiet point in my life (by quiet i mean single as single can get) so that i can really learn what i want and be what i want so that i can truly be happy with the decisions i make down the road. it would suck to get what i asked for and not know what to do with it once there.



alright. i feel better now. sometimes i feel a little dorky for blogging on the weekend. yes people, i have quiet chill time a lot--can't have shame in the game. remainder of the weekend: football watching and research. i'm trying to figure out how to get a book published. any factoids to share?

i’m a romantic

10.03.2007
"I'm a romantic--sing me an aria of triumph, love and waning gibbous moons and i swoon" --unknown




ah yes, a romantic i am, but not in the traditional sense...my love is saved solely for my dream of acting. i went to a bbq last weekend and met some really cool people--a lot in the industry. i left feeling heart broken because i had NOT a clue how to network with folks. i mean they come to a sunday bbq to cut back and relax...who wants to be bothered by some green kid with stars in her eyes?



i couldn't shake my disappointment though so i got up the nerve to write the hostess' husband who happens to be a director and asked if i could be his mentee. i need to learn the business. i need to just dive in and learn my brains out actually! he replied and said that it sounded cool : ) so i'm basically on cloud nine right now. nothing makes me happier than being as close as i possibly can...my inspiration to make it gets me thru the really difficult days and messages like the one i received today was just what i needed to pick-me-up.



so i'm swooning...waiting for my song of triumph

if you have the ugliest

10.01.2007
"if you have the ugliest house on the street, at least you never have to look at it"




i'm reading this book that i don't enjoy but dang if that's not the best quote i could have pulled from it. lol if that's not a new spin to looking at the brighter side...



i don't know why but this theme seems to be quite important lately. a death, a raise, a wreck, a heart break...my friends keep telling me stories...showing me how they've found the best possible perspective from each. i don't know why it's so hard for me to do the same. i really have to force myself...highly emotional--hardly rational, it's difficult for me not to embrace the world crashing down around me. will my world suddenly open up if i change my perception or will i just continue upon a bummer track but just enjoy it more?



you know and i know the answer to that. lol...still, i have to pose the honest question though. jeez.



there's a lot of weird deja vu things happening lately. i have this reocurring dream that i have an emergency of some sort and have to drive a stick shift. well i've had an emergency and am now driving some funky new nissan car that has this weird new hybrid stick/automatic thing happening. um i've never driven a stick. i have no idea so i'm on the freeway today-the same freeway that took my car from me-when my car starts surging (i say surging because i don't drive a manual folks!) i finally figured out that i have to hit some plus thing on the shifter thingy lol...now i'm gonna be having mini adventures every time i get behind the wheel!



maybe it's all related. maybe my dream of being at the oscars in a black dress, stopping on some stairs to fix the buckle on my heel will come true too. it could happen! it will happen : )



today was my free day, pigging out and no working out. it's great. heroes is on...the show's better than ever unfortunately. i hate that it's only an hour. i finished a book...life's swell.



time for bed. final thoughts...



so right now i have this image of a guy in his mercedes looking at me in my pinto lol...who's really the lucky one? who's got the better view
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