roll with the punches

9.29.2007
i wanted to tell a different story today...




i was an exit away from my place and i didn't break in time. i hit someone and it was my first wreck. scary stuff. i was so lucky to hit the nicest man in the world who actually hugged me good bye but i still have a pretty boo boo on my car. insurance company to call...



i thought of something out there though. i'm infamous for above and beyond freaking out when something negative impacts my life. i drove home and vowed not to this time. i felt like a bad person (and bad driver) but accidents happen. for some reason i was supposed to leave my ipod at work. there was a reason i had to turn around and go back and get it. there was a reason this happened. i'm just gonna go with the flow. let go and let flow.



my girls came over last night to cook and watch some good flicks with me and it was great. i totally forgot about all this bull crap and just enjoyed my ladies' company. gotta love friends. gotta love how they looked when they first walked in....they both expected me to flip the heck out and be stressed the whole time...you can't be stressed when mr. darcy is telling lizzy that she's bewitched him...come on now!



so yeah, i've taken my car into a shop, b and i have been hanging all day. we're about to go to the lacma and have have more good times.



you roll with the punches...i'm learning.

pretty jacked up day

9.26.2007
ok emotional rollercoaster is over so the feelings i'm about to share with you are totally my own...maybe i can blame them on the full moon but that's about it.




i woke up this morning knowing this was going to be a craptastic day. i did everything to fight it. put on an uber comfortable pretty outfit just so i'd feel good, packed a good lunch and book, but i just couldn't shake the ish floating around me.



do you ever have those days where you're really trying and people and circumstances and life and work and this and that just keep pulling you back down?



man i found out today my hiking partner is no more. she's got a family and they get really ticked when she's not home after work so i'm pretty much on my own which sucks and is about to make me start crying because i seriously love having someone to talk to up there. ugh. ok enough of that or i'll get even more pissy.



i've also got all of these great inspiring love things happening all around me: i just found out the first girl out of my college group of friends known as the 'sista girls' is engaged...this is great! my best friend gets married in a month to the day and i can't freaking fully enjoy that mess because i have these people in my life that seriously pollute my space with their negativity. i'm just thru with it all...games abound. i'm over it. i put words out there (actual talking not blogs) and people swim all around them...trying to make more or less out of what they actually are and it's so unnecessary. time for a shower.



i don't want this to be a pointless rant but it is. bad day in the books...

i love my sundays

9.23.2007
yes i've been a bloggin fool this weekend but so what...i'm glad the smog hasn't killed all my brain cells just yet.




i just finished watching "the jane austen book club" with the bestest in the westest, ms b. and it was dripping with relationship ish that of course you HAVE to apply to your own life--it's not a good movie unless you do so i always say.



so here's my deal--my current relationship thoughts: whether i like it or not, memories of my ex pop into my brain. the fall is my favorite time of year and i have some pretty hard core memories with him--that vile thing that we must not name-- that center around this time...we first courted in the fall, we reunited in the fall...ugh. i can be walking down the street, smell a tree and i flash back. some day a new memory will replace the ones i have, blurring all the things that are still way too clear and vivid for my liking but alas i remember for the moment and since i'm not prone to get violently drunk to forget the madness i'm stuck with a sober reality. i don't think this is a bad thing and definitely nothing for my friends and family to stress about...i think they know that. see what a really good movie can stir up!?



i'm not sad or scared though. instead i believe this fall is going to be a great one. i'll be dealing with all of these meloncholy demons from time to time that will bleed thru these darn blogs of mine but i also will be a woman of honor (jen's wedding), the daughter of a perfectly happy and whole--not divorced--family for the holidays, a model in an upcoming fashion show (october ya'll--diet time!) and a darn good bud.



i'm looking forward to it all. the buzz and infinite possibilities are enough to keep me awake on a sunday night when my butt should be in bed.



the chiefs won today...hot dog! i made a bet with a guy at work that the chiefs season would be better than the st louis rams' and guess what...rams lost today. tomorrow is gonna be a great day. GREAT!



heroes starts back up again for all of you sci fi junkies. monday i plan to hike, watch the show with my pal d and roommate and make a veggie lasagna. full days ahead--hopefully this will give me little time to contemplate those pesky relationship dramas that should be left alone and buried. : )



in case that doesn't work i always have a back up. my current list of swell things that make a gal smile:



Juicy tube lip gloss by lancome (makes you feel juicy-licious)

Kimora: life in the fab lane (a tv show my friends)

Library books

my chi flat iron

Los angeles rain

Cinnamon anything and everything

Music at your fingertips (aka my oscar)

Pillows…the world should have more.

Friends with connections to guys in the industry that could mentor me





peace!

just get away

oh what a night.




my roomie is house sitting at her mom's place down in the land of have's and asked if i'd like to come and stay with her and have a slumber party. it was swell. i drove over the hill and was suddenly in the land of porsche & benz, lovely wealth in all its splendor and i didn't even feel self conscious. with my windows down and the wind blowing thru my hair i sang out loud at the people driving beside me and arrived with a smile on my face. the roomy's parents are blessed because this is the beautiful home we all dream about..beautiful golden yellow rich warm walls, lots of heavy black woods, red accents....the kind of house where there's something to look at in every darn corner of the place, art, nick nacks & mementos from worldy travels...ugh it was so great. we sat in a big plush red beautiful big bed and watched movies on this great big flat screen monster and giggled the night away. she made me the BEST chicken fajitas with veggies on the side and i seriously felt like i was on vacation. i so needed that.



this morning i woke up bouncy as ever (i'm a morning personal by far) and started a new book (i'm gonna try this multiple book thang) _Jane Austen Book Club_ which i love. strong distinct three dimensional characters...just in time for my movie date night with ms b tonight. i woke up the roomie at 9:45 on the dot and we took mo, the family dog (he has a real mohawk) on a walk thru the neighborhoods...people these houses made my mouth drop, spanish mediterranean gated homes complete with fresh smelling flowers, mossed gates and toyota prius cars...my dream car by the way. a hidden world of beautiful homes containing beautiful lives. it was swell...i told my girl some day i would have a home possibly on that street and i would wake up every sunday morning and hug the four corners of it--appreciating my lucky stars.



i'm about to finish watching my oprah (thank you jen for recommending tivo'ing this ish!!! how i missed this woman!!!) i'm watching dr oz who has just informed me that i'm not a bad person. i am not one to intake a lot of fluids (i.e. water) and he says you need some but all these crazy nuts that do a gallon a day aren't seeing different results in skin and health that regular folks show. it just makes you more full. so there. stick it you weirdos! i'll stick to my two glasses a day and be happy. ha!



happy sundays...



lesson learned: get away from your abode if things are crazy. you can go to a friends, whatever but get out and about. doing so will make you appreciate oprah more and feel better. :

i’m playing my tiny violin for you

9.22.2007
oh the agony!




i slept better than i've slept in a long time...i could hear the rain pouring down last night (mind you i can't remember the last time i heard real rain so this was a beatuiful thing) i sprung out of bed this morning with a smile on my face feeling like i was steppin into a fresh new world...yes, i was feeling that great.



i got ready and took my car in to the dealership to have my baby pampered. it's been a while since she's been looked at but i promised to dedicate a small portion of my pay check to her...oil change, air in tires...you know the basics. you can imagine my hurt and shame when the guy comes into the waiting room (2 hours later!) and starts listing all the things that are terribly wrong with my car...that need to be fixed now...total--$1860. i looked around and the other people in the room put their heads down...i could feel their pity. i just laughed at him and said thanks but i'd just take the oil change. i can't even afford the stupid new handle for my freaking door. don't get it twisted though. you know i'm about to go to some mom & pops joint and ask for another estimate but i couldnt help but walk with a heavy heart.



i bought this damn car with the money i received from the trust fund my dad left me...it's symbolic. i know there will be a day when my car dies and i have to buy a new one i can't afford...that will be a sad day...for me and my damn wallet.



i'm thinking i'm gonna go with the delusional ignorant look today. i'm gonna take a nap and shake this off, right after i eat my 29 cent bag of ramon noodles. cheers.

a gift

9.21.2007
hee hee...guess who's feeling on the up and up.




i think i just needed a lazy saturday. my best friend texted me and had me laughing hysterically. see every christmas we do some gift theme (find the perfect book, make a cd...etc.) this year we've decided to get each other a dvd. apparently her and her fiance were sitting together the other night and he was giving her suggestions on what to pick...listing the worst guy movies i've ever watched in my life. the kind of films that radiate with gnarly testosterone...so bad that i almost peed my pants laughing so hard but of course my dear friend's fiance was being completely sincere in his suggestive manor. sigh....gotta love guys.



it flipped things around. i'm watching the flick that i plan on getting her for christmas. it's so darn good. i love this part. the getting people stuff part. her wedding's coming up and i'm working on multiple things for that...of course the woman of honor speech is in the works, an art piece for the newly weds' abode, the wedding gift (yeah yeah yeah) gifts from the heart.



whenever you're down...your car is huffin and a puffin' (chigga chigga boom boom) your girl has left ya, whatever just think of something you could do for someone else...i swear the ish works. find something personal and lovely that you know will make someone happy...it'll rub off on you somewhere in the process.



now mind you this only works with good human beings so make sure you pick someone that can appreciate some good ole fashion luv.

do you love the beatles?

if you love the beatles you have to go see across the universe. this director--this woman is a genius. while it's definitely the most poetic flick i've probably ever seen in my lifetime (weirdly odd at time i will admit) i was captivated by the songs and the context in which the writer used the songs.




i was moved to tears twice. go see it and then gab with me about it. : )



it's friday and i was feeling a little icky so i came home after my movie, thru on my pj's and am now curled up on the couch watching tim gunn's new show on bravo. does anyone else love this man as much as i do? i want him to be my best friend. i wrote oprah about him i love him so much. don't act like ya'll don't write oprah!

on a better note...

9.20.2007
one random question:




does anyone else ever watch chick flicks and think that it's never enough? i never know exactly what else i need to see happen in order for their love to make me fully satisfied but i have big issues with them. i'm always left asking "is that it?!"



i'm about to pop in "garden state"--one of my fav's but i do the same ish with that...what else do ya need tish? they hook up at the end. it's all honky dorry. still...i don't know if i just don't want it to end and i need to see tom hanks and meg ryan chillin in bed together watching late night flicks, going to the movies and grabbin coffee afterwards or what but the flicks just aren't cuttin it for me i'm sorry.



by the way when you're down i totally recommend popping in the garden state soundtrack...tracks are frickin amazing i say! covers every emotion possible.



"half of the time we're gone and we don't know where"...it's all you need.



when you're depressed and sad but coming out of it there's always this flood of good thoughts that stream through. i just thought of something my girlie said on our run today about my life. i was telling her a college story about going to late night with my friends and boyfriend and how i swear my smile had to be as big as allen fieldhouse because i cherish items from my history, even lip glosses (don't ask it's just this weird quirk--i have t shirts from high school i still wear!)



...according to ms e i have a swell life worth holding on to. i like looking at it that way.

emotional thang

i ain't gotta lie to kick it. i'm an emotional gal today. i was running with my girl and i took off ahead and just let the tears start streaming. it was cold as hell up there. i fooled people with wind blown eyes...i think.




i pretty much understand that i am where i'm supposed to be for this period of time for a reason and i'm finally cool and welcoming to the fact that i need to be single for a bit. life should be good but then i see this actress i admire and used to obsess over back in high school on the hill and i got upset. so close to someone who's got what i need...i looked down at all the foot prints in the dirt and thought about how i was walking the same paths that people doing what i love walk...



so close but yet so far away.



i ran...and then i ran some more and i could have kept going if my girl wouldn't have looked at me like she was about to beat me down when i suggested we keep going. just wanted to run away



i understand that my life can't always make sense to me but sometimes this ignorance pains me and i can't hold back the tears.

don't spin that!

ok a small rant before i leave for work...




i'm just about sick and tired of rolling my eyes every time i hear some silly misguided actress saying they've decided to take control of their 'feminist' rights and pose nude for a men's magazine. how in the HELL is that empowering?



don't get me wrong. every one should love her body and embrace it (literally giving yourself a hug every day) but i still can't seem to find the connection to posing nude so men can lust after you. maybe if you posed nude for a woman's magazine, sort of like what jamie curtis did to show women what she really looked like and what she really loved about herself but come on...



quit spinning ish! i have a head ache. i can't roll anymore!!!



i just had a similar conversation with a woman at work. you have to figure out if you do things to get responses from others or if you do them because you sincerely want to. do you become intimate with a man because you're attracted to him and you're ready to get it on or do you do it in the hopes that it'll keep him in check? do you send someone an email of congratulations to be nice and sincere or are you trying to "nice bully" them into something?...these are important questions people.



posing for a men's mag in my opinion (nude) just means you are craving attention...not bringing attention to one of your issues and PLEASE stop using feminism as your reasons....grrr. there are people out there calling the "video vixen" a feminist. my butt is twitching.

i’ll be (fill in the blank)

9.19.2007
so i decided to take a walk after i worked out so that i could see the sun set. i walked a couple of blocks in my neighborhood, admiring the surroundings i've finally learned to call my own and bumped into a cute little old lady.




she asked if she could join me for a block or two--that she needed to stretch her cute little spry legs, i said of course and we were off. she had no problem chatting or asking me questions about why i was walking, what i do for a living, etc. it was all cute and fun but then she asked me what i believe my purpose to be and i fell in love with the little old lady. ya'll didn't know just how much i love to talk about my dreams do you? no...of course you don't. : )



did any of this really happen? no it didn't but it sounded cute didn't it? profound even? hee hee....sorry couldn't resist. i had a great work out--my abs are throbbing--always a good sign and now i'm reading in bed and it makes me happy. when i'm happy i day dream--hence the birth of the little old lady story.



there is a point to all this though. i wouldn't just play blog like that...



the little day dream combined with this book i'm reading got me thinking...what role do you really play in life? i honestly believe i am an actress and day dreaming aficionado playing the role of a gal working a boring job in corporate america. thinking this way puts me at a peace and explains oh so much...it's why i can't get the hang of work stress, work annoyances, work anything. i'm a fish out of water--a girl playing a girl. maybe somewhat miserably lol...but believe it or not i'm ok most of the time--some people there are still fooled.



so i wonder who else is playing a role? who's really trying to be something completely different...professionally, personally, whatever?



it's interesting. i do know one thing though. coming up with a new perspective on acting is swell.



"are you taking any acting classes tish?"



"why yes i am. it's the acting class called 'this is my life right now and i have to work like kunta until my dream becomes real' ever heard of it? it's the best practice ever and it's going to prepare me like no other to be the bestest actor there ever was!"



"wow tish you rock! i'm going to put you in my next film! can you quit your job and start tomorrow?!"



"why yes steven. i can."



i wonder how long i can function off the role mentality. i have a feeling i'll sometimes be quite sad that i can't break character. for now it's cool though.



alright. promise that's the last blog for tonight. it's getting cooler in los angeles. i have my windows open for the first time in months. cars are whirring by, the air creeping in is niiiiice. i love the fall. new season, new weather, new perspectives, new attitudes...new new new.

the man stuck me! ouch....

The man has finally gotten to me.






I had dream after dream last night about my battle to be able to wear flip flops at my job. How sad is that? when I was a kid my dad would come home, plop right down on our couch and turn into mr. zombie man until dinner time. Then he would encourage me to act a fool at the dinner table in order to entertain him for a bit. Now I know why people have kids. I swear if I don't get a puppy or pop out a baby soon I'm gonna go nuts! Where's my joyous laughter post work?!





Who dreams about company dress code policy unless they really have been worked too hard by the man?! I loathe the man. The man is evil. Not only does he have the ability to remind me daily that acting is a far off dream he also puts me face to face with the most annoying people in the world—this includes people who makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little every time I see them. Who wants to live this life for me? any takers?





"Going once….twice….three times a crazy"…. (it's catchy isn't it?)





The only good thing about work is my ability to pull my outside life in from time to time. Yesterday I called my great grandma who's in the hospital currently. She told me she'd be fine and then went on to tell me more about my supposed prophecies and the fact that when I do have money I'm buying her botox, lypo, implants and new dentures…88 year old cougar people, watch out!





These things make the day go by faster. Emails to my peeps…writing your myspace blog at work…what can I say…I'm trying to be find new and innovative ways to make these days a bit more interesting.





They say it's not the destination but more so the journey. Well this work journey of mine blows. "don't stop believing…" the band is callin' out to me. it's a sign.





Ok I'm officially hitting food coma time here at my good ole place of employment so I'm gonna go now. I figure I'll throw all my hair around my face, put a pen in my hand, pull up an intricate spreadsheet that I can get away with not scrolling thru for long periods of time…perfect decoys while I sleep at my desk…in the very open. : )





( point 1 for tish stickin' it BACK to the man)

heathers

9.13.2007
Oh what a lovely thought.






The New York Times newspaper has inspired me yet again! Even the best hopefuls out there have parcels of doubt from time to time. My doubt takes the shape of a high school girl's warped mind. Yes sadly I've never really left, much to my chagrin.





I always compare an acting career to the popular crowd. That infamous group that people magically belonged to. You'd think that it was only for the rich and pretty but then some penniless fugly bloke would join the group and us reg folk would be left in the hallway scratching our regular little heads.





I always wondered if I would be left out of the acting world because people would be able to sniff me out…realize I lack that "magic popular spark" needed to join the cool group. Mind you this is a tiny thought of mine. My "acting gene" is pretty darn strong and pretty much overrides 95% of all my insecurities and fears. Thank goodness. But nonetheless there's still 5% that can leave a gal's butt twitching.





So imagine my delight when I read this article from the Times today with the quote, "the designer [mark Jacobs] who always insists that he's not cool, is how he gathers around him, season after season and year after year, a posse of all the adorable high-school outcasts who avenged themselves on the Heathers of the world by becoming famous for something, sort of".





Then it hit me…I could be one of the heather avengers! A new group for me to join that feels right…no magic pill needed…Winona Ryder you are a genius…when you're not shop lifting. Guy Trebay you're not so bad either. Thanks for the aha moment guys!

ear drum

9.12.2007
It's been a long time since an album has literally put a smile on my face. I popped in the new talib album, "ear drum" this morning and I found myself hanging on every dang word, laughing at times, shaking my head in agreement, turning up the volume. the dude is phenomenal at drawing you in…poets of the people... gotta love 'em.






When a brutha gets sonia sanchez to head up his intro you know you're about to hear something mindful. I don't want to build up it's affect but I must say it's put me in a rather cheerful mood.





Reminds me that there are two kinds out there in the big ole industry. Those that want to entertain and those that have ish they have to get out or they'll bust…knowledge to spit to the people. Both are swell and good to have around. You just have less of the latter.





THE industry is similar. Those that want to walk the red carpets and those that have to escape to or run to different characters—those that have to move their audiences with some personal agenda they have...or bust.





Can you guess which one I am?

time frame for a profound change

9.11.2007
have you ever had a full on jam packed emotional conversation while at work?




it's grueling trying to hold it all in. whether it's a great conversation or a not so great one, controlling the levels of intensity can be harsh. that happened to me yesterday while i was chillin in the cube.



the first, last and only regret i've ever experienced in my life came barreling forward thru my microsoft outlook and boy was i NOT ready. i had a love once. my one true love, well rather my one true adult love and unfortunately that love made me choose between he and acting...kansas city or los angeles...



"black or white tish. there is no grey"



the week before i moved out here i had dinner with my guy best friend, fat, and i cried to him that i had to make it because if i didn't i would regret the life i had to leave forever. i knew then that saying good bye to aforementioned true love was a HUGE choice but somehow i blocked that whole emotion, that whole fat conversation, that whole everything out...until yesterday when my ex so lovingly thru it all back in my face and brought up crap i never knew existed.



we of course stayed friends after the break up...i'd date and then break up with someone and he'd be in that group of folks that i'd go and console myself to.



then yesterday he mentioned ever so casually that he's now living with someone and they're probably going to get married...he brought up the trips they take together...the things he does for her and i immediately saw the yellow flag go up. i could detect hostility in his words...he was getting back at me. eagerly throwing the life i left in my face and it knocked the breath out of me. first i thought this guy was beyond other ex's...i mean we had loved and respected and cared for each other so much i just never assumed there was any built up anything...but now i realize that would have been way to easy and convenient for good ole tishy.



in a matter of minutes every word he had never said, every emotion he had never let me see was knocking me in the gut and it was crazy hard...i'm at work taking all of this in...defending myself, my heart, my dreams, battling back tears while people at work shuffled by and asked for deadline estimations and other bull crap that in the large scheme of things aren't really that important.



sometimes i feel like my dreams and the life my dreams have created for me follow way to close to cliche. everyone says that going after what you want in life produces obstacles and hardships that prove your passion but come on...



according to paulo coelho, "the profoundest changes take place within a very reduced time frame. When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready".



there's more but i'm not ready to write that part : )



our greatest, most profound moments in a tiny amount of time...hmmm. the question for me was never and will never be was that tiny amount of time worth all the obstacles but rather will it last long enough for me to recognize and appreciate the moment that i spent a lifetime waiting for.



take care ex... i hope some day i can show you that dreams and love can coexist.



in case you were wondering i was able to finish out my day without drawing attention to myself. i don't have to attend classes to get my act on

fam bam

9.09.2007
so i just got back from my wonderful weekend in seattle. the fam bam reunion was great. i always revert back to my kid self (i actually get confused when they make me pay for stuff now) washington is a beautiful state and i really do enjoy my fam...they're funny and active...my uncle is this amazing cook and was stickin his foot in stuff all weekend long...making lattes for folks in the morning...i mean dang! it doesn't get much better i'm afraid. in all it was a peaceful and relaxing weekend--




i'll spare you all the play by play fam bam. instead i'll share a delightful pre-seattle story with you. : ) enjoy.



it all started with a wild and crazy shuttle bus driver who drove like a bat out of hell and dropped me (tuck & roll style) in front of the airport. by the time i rolled my suitcase into the terminal i was sweaty bug-eyed and crack headish. i plopped onto my plane and prayed for a mute to sit next to me. all i needed was a quiet 2.5 hour flight and then came big-mouth boy. damn you tish for forgetting your ear buds for your damn ipod!



he proceeds to tell me his whole life story ...where he lives, his family life (wife, 2 kids--both boys), favorite sports, favorite sports teams...the WHOLE shebang. why do people open up and do this to me? i'm actually NOT a good listener and i have a short term memory thing....oh well. he also tells me about his favorite food...which happena to be bbq. i think he had this before he boarded...i can smell a garlicky something on him and beer...nice.



i pretend to fall asleep to get him to shush. by golly it works and he begins to snore. big boy goes hard, snores are causing major head turns but the m.f. farts the fart of all farts and the horror sets in. it's sick. garlic stench..people are groaning and looking around for the culprit. (why people will continue to take deep whiffs to locate the source instead of just fleeing from it period astounds me.) .i was about to throw the eff up--of course i couldn't pack any smelly lotion (stupid airport 3 oz rules & early shuttles that left me no time to pack the unexpected life emergency necessities to save the day) i immediately grab my 50 cent owned vitamin water (brilliant marketing by the way), pop the lid (thank goodness for tropical citrus--nice and fragrant) put it up to my nose and inhale....deeply. they should really let folks use those dang emergency masks for more than an impending crash. better yet, they could give a disclaimer that if you're cruel and crude enough to eat nasty-gas inducing food before a flight, then those around you are allowed to open up a can of whoop and slap you into the bathroom. i was dying...cruel and unusual stank punishment. imagine if you will the care bears and their care bear stare--that lovely piece of light that burts out of their bellies and cloaks those around them with love and good will. this fool is like the other care bear cousin from the other side of the fam. the side no one mentions...that WHACK bear whose ish bursts from his gut with the quickness and cloaks all of us in stench....



i was so angry i couldn't even talk to him as the plane was landing. thank you angela for writing a hilariously entertaining book (broke diaries) because i stuck my nose in it with the quickness and avoided all contact. i swear i would have punched him.



it was a nightmare and i talked about the farter all weekend long. a shame i say. a damn shame. stinkies are the worst airplane buddy to date and i will never be the same.

[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : lessons to remember angel

Posted Date: : Sep 6, 2007 7:44 PM

for my angel:



you don't have to be 80 plus to look back at the heartbreaks of your past and speak the lessons you've learned to help a friend. so here goes buddy.



1.) your friends will have their own heartbreaks to share to hopefully ease the pain. don't get caught up in comparisons. just because your luv didn't shoot you in the arse doesn't mean your pain isn't as bad as the next...that's not your friends' intentions either. they simply want to help you see what a future perspective on a lost love looks like.

2.) crack is whack...and looking like you're on crack is even whacker. make sure to keep showering...bathing...cleansing...chapstick on the lips to keep away the crack-headish-ness helps as well. when you look like crap you'll feel like crap...and that's the last thing you need at this point.

3.) download these songs, put them on a cd and listen to the darn lyrics. listen hard. my girl jen made me this..the best "music for my soul" cd ever. i must share. ( jill scott: one is the magic number, des'ree: ya gotta be, j lo: feelin' so good, garbage: special, erykah badu: call tyrone, no doubt: sunday morning, (i hate to say this but) britney spears: stronger, gloria gaynor: i will survive, whitney houston: its not right but it's ok, tracy chapman: give me one reason, fionna apple: limp, new radicals: get what you give)

4.) do you. your feelings will mislead you but just go with the flow. sometimes you'll be happy. sometimes you'll be so miserable you can't see thru your tears, sometimes you'll hate that person so much it hurts, other times you'll fear that hate, then you'll be calm, numb, free...not necessarily in that order and they'll rotate in and out. the point is your feelings are made to be irrational and poorly timed. don't make excuses for them. they're yours. own them and let them run their course.

5.) don't be scared that you'll be cynical for the rest of your life. we all think that at one point and it makes us even more miserable. your brain tells you that you're different and people telling you otherwise don't know you or your heart well enough but believe me...there's a reason there are songs out there spouting lyrics like "thank you for making me a fighter..." these are tough times but the heart is resilient and you will get better, stronger, wiser and happier. you'll even fall in love again. promise.



call me anytime buddy...

lessons to remember angel

9.06.2007
for my angel:




you don't have to be 80 plus to look back at the heartbreaks of your past and speak the lessons you've learned to help a friend. so here goes buddy.



1.) your friends will have their own heartbreaks to share to hopefully ease the pain. don't get caught up in comparisons. just because your luv didn't shoot you in the arse doesn't mean your pain isn't as bad as the next...that's not your friends' intentions either. they simply want to help you see what a future perspective on a lost love looks like.

2.) crack is whack...and looking like you're on crack is even whacker. make sure to keep showering...bathing...cleansing...chapstick on the lips to keep away the crack-headish-ness helps as well. when you look like crap you'll feel like crap...and that's the last thing you need at this point.

3.) download these songs, put them on a cd and listen to the darn lyrics. listen hard. my girl jen made me this..the best "music for my soul" cd ever. i must share. ( jill scott: one is the magic number, des'ree: ya gotta be, j lo: feelin' so good, garbage: special, erykah badu: call tyrone, no doubt: sunday morning, (i hate to say this but) britney spears: stronger, gloria gaynor: i will survive, whitney houston: its not right but it's ok, tracy chapman: give me one reason, fionna apple: limp, new radicals: get what you give)

4.) do you. your feelings will mislead you but just go with the flow. sometimes you'll be happy. sometimes you'll be so miserable you can't see thru your tears, sometimes you'll hate that person so much it hurts, other times you'll fear that hate, then you'll be calm, numb, free...not necessarily in that order and they'll rotate in and out. the point is your feelings are made to be irrational and poorly timed. don't make excuses for them. they're yours. own them and let them run their course.

5.) don't be scared that you'll be cynical for the rest of your life. we all think that at one point and it makes us even more miserable. your brain tells you that you're different and people telling you otherwise don't know you or your heart well enough but believe me...there's a reason there are songs out there spouting lyrics like "thank you for making me a fighter..." these are tough times but the heart is resilient and you will get better, stronger, wiser and happier. you'll even fall in love again. promise.



call me anytime buddy...

inspiration comes from everywhere my pet

i 100% believe that with my whole heart and soul.




i was sitting at my sad but busy cube today when a buddy o' mine, (we'll call him j.g.) came rockin by (he seriously rocks as he walks...i've never seen a man with an inner rockstar quite like him) and told me this lovely story about how my blogs entertain him. the funny thing is my pals have mentioned in the past that i should think about saving the things and getting them published possibly. after my little conversation with j.g. i felt inspired to begin that research. i've always wanted to write a book. my best bud and i used to sit around as kids (yes we were nerds even back then) and dream about writing a book together one day, appropriately named after our favorite inspirational saying...we bring it up from time to time. i just need a couple more inspiring shoves, love pats if you will, and then i should be good to go.



there's more though!



i had a conversation with an old friend after work that left me feelin' like a million and 13 bucks. this guy and i used to be the quintessential odd couple--joined at the hip in 7th/8th grade and thanks to myspace we found each other and have been able to catch up from time to time. it's crazy that he's a grown ass man with a grown ass job doing grown ass things. sadly he's been a little down and for some reason i just needed to call him and tell him that i think he's a swell human being...i don't just do this empty-heartedly either...say it only if you mean it. that's my motto! he's frickin' hilarious as all get out and just good all around. i hope he felt better after that conversation. i did. i was hoping to squeeze him the last bit of my positive powers.



then i get home and there's this lovely thank you card waiting for me from my twin and it made me uber happy. she's pretty frickin amazing at making a gal feel good. she basically squeezed some loveliness my way like i was trying to do for my buddy o' pal and it worked. lucky i am, said yoda.



i have this annoying little headache that's dancing around upstairs--havoc is at this moment partying between my eyeballs and i'm really perturbed. i must push on though. packing, straightening of the mop (aka the frizzy bush on top of my head) and some journal writing before seattle is oh-so-necessary. i'm going to seattle! i don't know why i associate this city with peace and love but i do. i just feel like the cool breezes are gonna blow thru me and knock out the bad stuff and fill me up with luck. i'm being serious. a lot of creative genius has come out of that city...nevermind that it's of a musical nature...maybe it's time seattle becomes the actor's muse. why not!



they'll say one day "who knew" and i'll say, " i knew" and then i'll smile. :)

scrubs

9.05.2007
my best friend's fiance says that jen and i are the turk & j.d. of the real world. watching this show tonight totally reminded me of that fact and my poor weak tummy can't handle it. sigh...what a hoot.




i have nothing profound to say. i'm just sick and bored and i've napped more than i ever thought i could.



the woman who writes for this show has my future in her hands. is that irony? hmm

sick

9.04.2007
i caught a bug and have paid all night and all morning long for that little bugger. sigh.




being sick and home alone is always an interesting phenomenon. i'm always able to ponder life in ways i can't do with a healthy manner.



this is my first true sane moment today. i pity those texting me this morning. i just finished watching "must love dogs" and i have to say the critics were wrong. i found it to be very cute and entertaining...and truthful.



maybe only a truly fabulous single chick can enjoy that kind of flick. i happen to be just that so why not. though i haven't been so fabulous. someone at work asked me if i was numb the other day lol...i don't think that's a good thing. what do you think?



the reason for the question: i've been sabotaging dating. i meet really great swell people but i nip it in the bud quick. i nipped a dating experience with someone i haven't even yet dated. i just think being single isn't all that bad...especially for someone who hasn't done it very often and is trying the whole "i don't want to be selfish. i don't have much to give right now" thing. is that bad? hmph. i don't think so.



side note: dry cereal is the best thing in the world right now



so yeah i loved the movie and i could actually relate to some of her horrible dating experiences. lol...i've definitely had my share.



this decision won't be forever friends. some day i'm going to want someone that likes to lay in bed on sundays and listen to miles' shades of blue. we'll have tons of "we" stuff together that doesn't make me want to sweat to admit. there will be a painting in the living room that we found on this crazy vacation we embarked upon. i'll share a life with someone and i will like it : ) for now i'm just gonna finish eating my dried cereal and banana. i'm going to take another long nap because i'm getting dizzy and i'm gonna really try not to worry about all the work awaiting me at my job. my body was screaming at me that i've done too much.



i'm going to seattle this weekend with a cousin that seriously embodies beautiful adventure. only way to describe her. i'm gonna love every moment of my silly crazy broken yet full "table for one" life. i think i need a scarf. diane had one in "must love dogs" and it gave her a little something. i think i need some somethings for seattle. just saying i need something for seattle is sweet. (first time)

[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : fabulously broke

Posted Date: : Sep 4, 2007 6:48 PM

i am really crackin up right now at how hard it truly is to be an optimistic positive person. the minute i take a time out and say "rain cloud, please stop following me around. i'm kinda not feelin' the wet cold and dreery

fabulously broke

i am really crackin up right now at how hard it truly is to be an optimistic positive person. the minute i take a time out and say "rain cloud, please stop following me around. i'm kinda not feelin' the wet cold and dreery thing anymore" the rain cloud laughs in my face and pees on me harder.




exhibit a: i am all set for my fabulous slumber party (cheap) weekend...my girl b and i are giddy and goofy....cruisin to our little chicken spot to pick up some grub. i go to open my damn car door and klurplunk. the handle lifts up but nothing door-movement wise happens. sigh....my door broke. my damn door broke.



yes, i tripped out. the rain cloud came back in full force. i've named him eyore he's so frickin' prevalent in my life. sigh...my true hollywood story is gonna be so good ya'll cuz i seriously am too broke to get that crap fixed. you learn how to prioritize and appreciate what you do have real quick. so i have to crawl in thru the passenger side. no big deal...at least it still runs and i have kick arse a.c. (knock on some damn wood!!!) but trust you me. i ain't going ANYWHERE until that ish is fixed. IN-COG-NEGRO



i seriously do not enjoy swimming in disdain. i do avoid many a funk. there are just so many marbles that can sit on that darn paper towl before they all break and unleash the crazy.



i started reading this book last night, broke diaries, and i didn't know whether i should laugh or cry...be shocked or empathize lol cuz that SAME ISH is what i'm going thru. read it. she does a way better job at making that stuff sound funny and witty. trust.



of course it builds character...weeds out the mentally weak from the strong ya ya...blah blah. i know plenty of great swell people that never had to say the following:



"bills this month, peanut butter's protein you can live off that this week"

or

"they say you can survive so and so many days without dying....just drink water"



and those people are just fine... i'm thinking of a poem by amiri baraka right now called "dope". google that ish and get back to me.



for now i'm gonna continue to roll my eyes secretly at all the pollyanna's out there telling me the sun is gonna shine tomorrow and day dream about rubbin peanut butter all over their lovely sweet faces. i'm being positive...i'm workin' with what i got. : )



i have to rub peanut butter on my own dang self first though cuz even as i sit here and write this ode to eyore i still believe that something good's gotta break thru...a little jelly to cut the pb. i'm crossin my fingers so hard i'm gettin arthritis. my ppo will cover that though so i'm not worried ; )
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