it's about the definitive work

1.30.2007
today's theme:




hearing and seeing the old in a new light...



years ago i met this guy and i fell in love. we dated for a couple of years. we lived together and oops he cheated and broke my heart. at that point my darling best friend made me this cd called "a new beginning". i pulled it out of my cd collection this morning and put it on my ipod before i went to work. it's crazy how songs i've heard over and over again can take on whole new meanings a second time around.



although i'd hope i wouldn't have to keep finding new meaning in break up songs...that ish is played out! ha!



now i'm watching love jones...lol. enough said. this flick is brilliant i say.



today though the romantic debbie downer tish was coupled with starry-eyed T



i called my acting coach--who has proven to be WAY more than just a coach for acting--and she gave me some homework assignments and some much needed love. she always has this way of saying sincere sweet things that totally encourage me and keep my heart beating for my dream. she sees it happening for me and coming from her...this amazing actress...it means the world to me.



tuesday was a good day. wednesday will be even better. i'll start my acting homework : ) this is the year for change. i've accepted the somewhat bad and now i'm ready for the great : )

life's too short

1.29.2007
the heart is a fickle thing. i can't figure it out or maybe i'm not meant to right now. i know every day my heart is a little less heavy and i'm willing to live with that.




basically it comes down to this. there's a moment in every relationship where something clicks...either for the better or for worse. this time it just clicked for the worst. the tomboy in me shakes my head at some of the stuff i did with vic...sigh lol... what putzes we all can be. did i spell that right?



what brought about my ability to look at my last relationship with a new perspective?



...an ex boyfriend from kc called me this weekend to tell me a good friend of ours had passed away. my heart stopped again. the guy was young...younger than me. life's too short for me to focus on this stuff for too long. i'm going to be ok. i am ok. hopefully when the one comes along i'm ready for him and i've let go of all the bad stuff so i can enjoy the good stuff. life's too short



this is still going to be a great year. my girlie gets married. i get a break in acting : ) it's all goodi've got months of good times ahead of me.



so yeah...the blogs will be getting lighter.



peace and hair grease folks.

hang over hang ups

1.28.2007
i committed the cardinal mistake.




i got drunk to get over a dude. i did shots of tequila. i danced on a table. i said "whooo!" at least 5 times. i had a blast, but i woke up this morning with the room spinning, flashbacks of the night before flashing all over the place, funky breath...ugh : ) good times. break ups aren't for the weak.



for real though, guys are so scary out there. These dudes that approached me thought i'd be this floozy easy chick cuz i was an r.d.c. (recently dumped chick). ewww. that's just disgusting and stupid. even typsy i wanted to sock two of them. dating and blogging will be very interesting. i so hope i have nothing with which to entertain ya'll with. no weirdos, no psychos, no pressure peeps, no jerks.



back to the party though. my girl e had a fabulously fantastic birthday bash at this cool little bar down in hollywood. it was blue and perfect. her friends are a hoot...it was just one of those nights where it's good to be fun and crazy. these guys kept coming up and telling me how beautiful she and all her friends are. my girlie has a pretty life full of wonderful people that love her dearly : ) if someone asks we should all say we have pretty lives lol. it's a good conversation starter.



ok i did it. i had a great weekend filled with girlie tea parties, friend sleep overs, sex and the city chit chat sessions, bar lounges and pep talks.



all in all... it was pretty. week one complete. heart still in tact. i kept going...even though i really didn't think i could. better than the bump i was last weekend. i'm gonna be ok.

in repair

1.25.2007
i'm back...




a part of me thinks too soon, the other thinks not soon enough. i'm really damn hard on myself. i hate it that i cry over this bull crap. i know better. i've given countless advice that i sincerely mean to others about how to handle a break up and then i go and have to be dramatic diva and drop off the face of the planet.



i keep going up and down. seriously yesterday i thought i had shaken all of it off. it was the most odd thing. i was emailing back and forth with friends and my older cousin/brother figure and between his tough love spiel and my friends'wonderful words of encouragement it just hit me that dudes don't hold on to this crap. they realize it wasn't meant to be and move on so i could too. i sprung up, hung out with two of my buds and life was good...then we ended up in a store where one of my ex's friends was...i just saw this person at the new years party we went to...wasn't ready to face that mess (dropped down one debbie downer point), went to a restaurant for dinner...that had the same name as his middle name (drop two), a dish on the menu was named 'the victor pasta' (drop three--cry all the way home and slap your hand for thinking you were an awesome robot incapable of human emotions)



i woke up in the morning doing what i've been doing--playing the "what if i would have done such and such" game but for the most part i was still good. i have perspective now...the whole lost love thing still bums me out, but someone's actually asked me out and i've decided to go...why not. i'm obviously not ready for anything serious but a seed here and there is never bad. (dr. foss, Sept. 2005)



we'll see. i've got a month or so before we chill. i just don't want to become a bitter woman. i don't want to lose anything specifically tish. my energy is poop lately, i look like it but it's seriously something i just can't control--much to my chagrin. i will say i'm over the actual mourning of the man...it's now about me and the patches i have to fix...the misconceptions i have with why it ended...if it was anyone's fault yadda yadda. like i said. i'm in repair.



this weekend should be a wonderful distraction though. tonight i went down to newport and hung with my old boss. it was good to sit back and talk to someone somewhat removed from it all. tomorrow ive got a date night with my b...saturday is my other girlie's birthday party...it's all gonna be oh so good for me. friends really do come thru when you need them the most...



...in repair

breaks ups suck but that's life

1.21.2007
this is when i get super honest with folks:




so vic and i broke up. it came as a surprise and it hurt, but it's a part of life. it's crazy when you think you know everything about a person...and come to find out you didn't know they didn't know squat about you. he thought he couldn't talk to me or tell me something was wrong and i'm sorry for that. my heart's broken in a way i didnt think was possible. i've been engaged before...the man married someone else while we were engaged and it didn't hurt like this...i'm seriously holding on to the fact that time will make this alright. we weren't meant to be. i have to say though...he was upset because he thought i was pressuring him to marry and that's just not the case. i don't think i've ever really wanted to marry...i think i just wanted to feel like every other couple so when he posed the idea i said whatever...i've learned a hard lesson. i have to know what i want and stick to it. i love that boy. that's obvious to anyone that knew me. he's an amazing friend...just wasn't the best of boyfriends. our breakup was sudden and crazy but i will not be angry because he didn't know how to tell me it was time to go...i'm just sad. i'm not gonna go crazy...i have no ill will...i'm just hurt. period. (i had to text him a couple of times to get to this point)



that's all. you may not hear from me on this for awhile...believe it or not, myspace allows you to hang on to pain like a mug, there's no big acting stuff going on except for the fact that i've been forced to jump into action. i'm hungry desperate to get the heck out of los angeles...work and be somewhere different.



when that time comes i'll write. until then...sigh. i don't know. i'm not going to pretend like i'm this strong sister either. i'm aware that i'll be going thru it for some time and don't really know how to do that just yet. i just have this thing about always blabbing the truth...so i did. wow...i'm single. dang.

whenever, wherever, whatever

1.19.2007
Lots going thru my head this morning:




One of the most horrible things for me and when I know I'm in a royal funk is when music bores me…when nothing on the radio makes me happy…when everything seems over played and nothing's fresh. I was feeling that way last night and this morning (playing around with my ipod and realizing I haven't heard any earth shattering new tunes in quite some time), feeling mighty low indeed, that is until I started to listening to the songs b put on oscar. I started rocking out in the car to the goodies and everything was right with the universe once again.



Believe it or not chatting with an ex boyfriend of mine has been perking me up too. I like it that I can joke around and kid with someone that I used to date. It reconfirms the fact that I'm a mature adult capable of going on with life. I'm going to his wedding this year too…just in case the skeptics were wondering. He's spoken to vic on the phone before so it's not like there's any sneaky sneaky going on either…I like the fact that we still can joke and laugh about our dating experience and there wasn't any bad blood. I have this stupid drive to be this uber super girlfriend…so if we argue or I feel like I'm being a debbie downer I feel like this terrible person. Ex's (well at least some) tend to give me a diluted "you're the bomb" perspective because they forget the bad and remember the good : ) I think it can be healthy.



Totally switching topics: this guy at work made me this chart thing based off of my birthday, time of birth, yadda yadda and it basically tells me the kind of person I am. we as earthlings can't help but know what type of peeps we are but it's always crazy to see in writing something reconfirming all of your tiny little nuances. This little book brought up a traumatic family issue I had as a kid that dictates the type of family I want now that I'm grown, it talked about how I am with those I date and what I expect from them…how I even react to disappointment. Lol…over and over again it said that I'm supposed to be in the spotlight too...that I'm some sort of teacher and I've always been so I'll use my big mouth to say what I need to say to mass groups of people in the future. You all think I've gone totally hippie/cali on you but this stuff is what keeps me going when I have people shake their heads in my face or even worse, when I don't even get the audition call.



When I was a baby my gram had someone 'read the beans' to her (old school ya'll) and the beans said I would be a powerful woman some day…I always knew beans were good for ya!



Ok it's Friday…Happy hour with some folks from work (can you say it's margarita time?!) and then the theme for the rest of the weekend is 'tishy's broke so we're going to read and chill' you like?

i heart ipods

1.17.2007
so vic has finally pulled me over to the cool side. he gave me an ipod for christmas. not just any ipod...the 80 gig ipod! 20,000 songs baby...i think it's a challenge. i have about 200 cds...how many songs is that? anywho, i've turned into one of those scary individuals that lock their behinds in their rooms to download delightful goodies. i'm attempting to put sex and the city, season one on oscar right now (oh, did i mention i named him?...oscar the little gold statue, not the grouch)




vic's gift totally helped me out today too. i had a bad one. acting stuff fell thru...i was walking back to my car after the worst interview ever sniffling to myself when it occured to me that i could go home and play. i perked up immediately--just what i needed.



i'm so happy that i have music at my fingertips...i have a bud i went to college with who got an ipod i swear before anybody else and he would be uber proud of me. (shout out to corn!)



i think my f.w.i. (friends with ipods) need to feed oscar cuz he's really hungry right now. i even put pics in that puppy. the current monkey picture on my myspace page as a matter of fact. are you all bored with this blog? have i truly nerded up? i can't help myself. just can't : )



i heart my ipod!

to the zoo we go!

1.12.2007
i don't know why i'm so obsessed with reliving the days of my youth but i've been the biggest kid lately. my best friends birthday trip to los angeles is just gonna make it worse. we're heading to the san diego zoo (i've said that before but oh well im excited. i'm allowed.) with vic and it's gonna be the bomb! i can't wait to play around with those two goofballs. i've been preparing for the mini road trip...jen and i are road trip gurus...there must be certain snacks packed, beverages, tunes...the works. we'll wake up at the butt crack of dawn and be off. (vic's thrilled about the a.m. launch let me tell ya) so far it looks as though we'll do the zoo thing all day, then go back to our hotel, shower up, go to dinner with my buddy akiba and then we're off to the gas lamp district.




the last time vic and i went to san diego was memorial weekend and of course we spent the whole time in la jolla...now i have to go back. i'm gonna have my two favorite peoples in the world hanging. life's grand...it would be complete if b was there. she was gonna go but alas she's the world's best mommy so she can't hang.



so that's it. today was the slowest day EVER but it's flying by now. i've shopped for groceries, cleaned up...i'd say i'm pretty much about ready for jen to finally get here! ahhhhhhhhhhh!

dance magic, dance

1.10.2007
Words are funny funny things. Most of the time I say a million words a day without any thought on what they truly mean…sound like I'm talking a bunch of nonsense? Take the word relationship for instance. This word up until lately is a word I've used many many times but the significanse of the darn thing didn't ring a bell for me until I entered into my current one with the boy. At that point, the meaning of the word jumped up and basically bit me on the butt….along with compromise, reality checks…lol. I don't know if this just comes with age…I'm sure there are countless others who learned quite a few years before me what it takes to have something real but I swear not even when I was engaged did I consider someone else's life quite as much as I currently do.




it's bonkers ya'll! totally foreign. i like it though : ) it's one of the only perks of being an adult.



This is all new to me…it opens up other things as well. For instance, I've always known my best gal pal is the best thing on this earth, but I never really comprehended the word loyal until recently. Do you know how absolutely wonderful it is that someone gets me thru and thru?! I can screw up and do some pretty questionable things at times (never intentional) but nonetheless stupid and it doesn't matter. She's there. Like Brown on rice…only she would get that by the way.



i had a looong day at work but it was such a good day. i totally knocked out cold symptoms, i found out a good friend of mine gets to keep working with me (we started at our current company together, but she hasn't gone permament yet--still a temp) which rocks cuz she has a child and needs the darn money, laughed my butt off at lunch with my girls, realized just how batty i am as a girlfriend but how lucky i am that vic is patient enough to put up with my random bouts of utter girl-ness...had an aha moment about my best bud coming in two days...life couldn't be better guys. today had to be a good day for everybody...and if it wasn't, write me and we'll talk : )



can i just tell ya'll that i'm uber excited for sunday night too cuz my chica will get to hang with some of my girlfriends finally. i swear the last time i came out she must have thought i was fabricating all the good peeps i had met out here.



my timer for my rice just went off. rice cereal and the labrynth. what could be better than that? fred even called and i'm STILL beaming from ear to ear. : ) ain't life grand?

green guru: just lovin life

1.09.2007
i'm sitting in my bedroom listening to my straight-laced neighbor sing some awful song at the top of his lungs. i'm finding this very amusing. he is living proof that guys are just as cheesy as us ladies. : ) i'm sure he's wearing pink undies and has a brush as a mic too. no?




i have a couple of things i couldn't shake out of my head that i thought i'd share this evening...the first being this new restaurant i visited last night in woodland hills. it's called uwinks and it's absolutely eccentricly cool. (did i just invent another word?) each table has its own computer so you order, reorder, all of that when you want. the food and service comes hella quick too. very new age cool. there's even games you play once you have your food. there's still some kinks in the system but for the most part it's cool. you can have birthdays there and they'll flash pictures of whatever on the walls...i was diggin it. anyways, vic and i were playing around and came across some numerology stuff so i plugged in my info and i swear every single thing i could pull based on my numbers warned me that i have this incredible drive for power and money and i have to learn to balance it or else i'll end up alone..nice and positive right? the crazy thing is i wasn't upset about the alone part...i was more interested in the fact that i'm going to have wealth and power lol...which to mean translates into i'm gonna make it lol. is that totally warped of me?



my best friend assured me that she won't let all of that go to my head (i'm pretty grounded so i don't really think it would be a problem) but nonetheless..i have a back up humble checkers.



another thing--today my girl b got me to open up about something i won't even write down in my own frickin journal...i told her one of my worst insecurities i've developed lately...i swear it's cathartic to purge that ish out but basically why is it easier for me to open up about something so painfully private to my true buds and not my darn book that no one will ever read? i'm a little backwards but at least it reflects the awesome buds i have.



i'm sitting down eating an uncrustable--my favorite pb&j sammie--while inhaling lysol...i've been feeling a little buggish so i'm trying to zap it before anything major happens...i can't get sick this week.



the best bud is coming down. we are going to san diego. we are going to the zoo. we will see the monkeys and whatever else my girl wants cuz it's her birthday and she's cool like that. so basically no getting sick. this week has to rock. it's seriously been a great motivator..with the work days i've been having i need all the help and zoos i can get!!!



alright. i'm a domestic diva tonight. i'm cooking for the boy. oh yes...i have d.d. skills ya'll never knew! (pinkberry for dessert!!!)

what jump starts you?

1.07.2007
i went and saw a spanish film this weekend called "pan's labrynth". it's somewhat, no scratch that!, it's really visceral in parts...vic bamboozled me. i thought i was going to see a child's movie...not so much. it was a beautiful story though. i recommend it to folks that need to see something different and fresh.




this weekend was pretty darn good. i woke up this morning and my eye was killing me once again though (groan) so vic's been nursing me thru my pain. i don't know how i'm gonna get home tonight...i hate sundays. lazy days never last long enough. i played around on myspace today. i found some people from one of my old acting classes. it inspired me to call tvi tomorrow and start on the path to getting some real substantial work in hollywood.something just has to shake you to the bone i guess. other things are pushing me forward too though. it's crazy what actually motivates us finally to stop talking and start moving. i think all of life works that way...a series of jump starts that force us to go. i wonder if anything just naturally works without some type of of something. an interesting question. i'll keep thinking on that one...some how my theory has its positive and negative themes.

girl's night

1.06.2007
i just had the best girl's night ever! my good friend came to visit and invited me to hang with her and some of her wonderful buds down in santa monica. i of course brought my girlie, b, and we had a blast sitting around two tables, drinking mojitos (well at least me anyways) and chatting away. it's quite lovely when sister girls can get together and talk about literally anything and make it sound clever and hilarious. i laughed my little butt off.




for all of you non cali folks i had a celebrity spotting too....none other than tyra banks...oh yes. i totally kept rubbernecking too and even tried to take a cell phone pic. yes i did. i should have taken pics with my cam of the whole group, but alas, i was three sheets to the wind so that wasn't happening.



there was one woman there who is an up and coming actress that you'll be seeing on the big screen soon. i couldn't help but stare at her. she's doing what i dream to do. i sat at the table, chowing down on spinach dip and mojitos while this gorgeous woman sipped her hot water with lemon lol...i've got some stuff to work on. it was cool to be in the presence of such women though. i'm glad i got to bring b too. los angeles has its handful of good girlfriends...when you find them you have to hang on to them for dear life. these girls just all came together like it was the most natural thing in the world.



gotta love my life. the same twists and turns that make me want to collapse are the same ones that me wonder how i got so lucky.

socratic ignorance

1.03.2007
i thought of something just now.




i trek thru life in and out of certainty in regards to who in the heck i am. i'm 25 and i still have days--lots of days--where my environment takes control of who i am. work is the worst. i get so overwhelmed with people asking this and that of me--never having a quiet moment--never taking time to appreciate the work i've completed. this scenario causes me to lose my grasp on who in the heck i am. i become this zombie robot...just producing what needs to get done, feeling this sort of cracked out accomplishment that is totally busted to pieces once i realize the job is whack...whack because it's so far removed from what i see myself as. i am an actress. i've always been an actress, always wanted to be an actress. i'm a people person. i like to talk. i like to be outside. i like to laugh with my friends, cry in movies, pinch my boyfriend's butt until he laughs like the dough boy. sometimes i forget all of these things about me. sometimes i don't have the energy to be that person. it's sad to me. today was a hard day. a lot of people had hard days today. there's a full moon so maybe that has something to do with it (should have cut my hair).



whatever the case may be i feel like my occupation is always going to play a part in my happiness. i hate to place so much importance on my dreams but that's the nature of that specific one...my dream to be an actress...my equivalent to achieving simple happiness and contentment--one's ability to do what they love and call it an occupation.



unti that moment comes...and it will! i have to figure out a way to hold on to what i like about myself...how i see myself and all that jazz. i moved thousands of miles away and i think i left an important part somewhere a long the way...maybe in a motel room in amarillo, texas or something.



who the heck are we? what propels us to keep going? are most people living to reach something? or are they living because they're enjoying what they've reached? when do we become whole?



some folks may think i'm a sick sad case because i'm in my 20's and i still haven't figured out who i am exactly, but i find it somewhat liberating to say i haven't a clue yet. if you can't be honest with yourself who can ya be honest with? i'm living in a fishbowl right now but going around in circles was never my thing. i'm gonna break out and people's jaws are gonna drop. i know that much to be true at least. maybe then you'll read a blog where i just find me and life makes sense. : )

it's a new year it's a new day

1.02.2007
happy new years!!!




2006 is over and since nothing too spectacular happened, i'm not sad to see it go. on new years eve vic and i dudded up in our best and went out for an early dinner alone in city walk. it was pretty frickin fantastic. we went to this sushi restaurant, toasted over some saki and just cut up for an hour or so. i've spent new years with boyfriends in the past, but this one took the cake. it was just fun and spontaneous. we followed that up with a party at a friend of his. this wasn't just any party though. it was my first time to meet the folks that he basically grew up with and consider to be family. it's crazy how nervous i was and shy (totall not like me right?!) but it lifted quick and i met some really cool folks. considering all the drama from the past year i was really appreciative that they were so cool. one thing i've figured out this year...life seriously has twists and turns that you never see coming.



i do wish for the day when all my buds can be with me when the apple drops..maybe once i'm an actress with a party planner that dream can come true. speaking of....



the goals for 2007:



first and foremost my acting career. no more of this lazy compliant bull crap. i've given myself until the end of the week to complete a strategic plan for jump starting my dream. i figure if i tell the world what i plan to do i'll be more likely to keep at it.



i plan to start frickin getting back in shape so that i can walk up stairs without heaving. i.e. a gym membership



i plan to read more cuz i sucked at finishing books in '06. i can't be me without a good book in hand...my imagination goes kurplunk..i start obsessng about my own life in unhealthy ways...that's never good. gotta take the focus off of the chaos at times.



i plan to dress up more often and be more girlie lol...i admire girls in los angeles that are always put together. my boyfriend laughed at me when i described my style as east coast nerd...oh well. i tried right? chele and b help me!



and last but not least i'm going to pay off my frickin debt while still going after the actions that will help me with acting. it's possible. anything and everything is.



this is going to be a great year. i wore red undies and ate 12 grapes for good luck. (vic's mom taught me that one!). i'm focused and driven.



just like heaven in the '07 : ) it's gotta rhyme folks!





[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : i toast...

Posted Date: : Dec 27, 2006 9:02 PM

we've still got lots of time before new years day...before the point of uber reflection but i can't help myself...last weekend was hard core for me. the weekend started out with me being kind of fluish...always nice, but i pulled myself together nonetheless on Sat morning in time to get up at 4:30 in the morning, catch my shuttle and sit thru 2 hours of security at the airport. i did it! i got thru layovers in denver and got to kc in one piece...just a couple of hours later than i thought, went to my mom and dad's party and that's where the fun began. i can't tell you how amazing it was to walk into that house and see not only my mom and dad's closest friends and family members, but my friends too...everybody celebrating the entity known as "tom and sue". i feel like i'm dreaming some days. it feels me up with so much happiness to see my parents back at it and in love. it makes life just a little bit easier to deal with...gives me a little more courage to embark on my own family pursuits...allows me to believe in the power of love as corny as that sounds. i had a BLAST hanging out with my two younger sisters, my best friend and buds...we drank red wines...some not so great...my mom has a horrible infatuation with white zins....gross! and just celebrated those two. they said their vows to each other and there wasn't a dry eye in the place. my sisters and i made a toast to them...like i said, sometimes i feel as though i'm dreaming with those two.



that night i stayed with my best bud at her parents' new home and almost got in trouble for giggling into the wee hours of the night....all i have to say is "sticky" jen...sticky!!!



the rest of the weekend was a blur...we woke up on christmas eve and i got to hang with her and her whole fam and it was great...basically second family with some killer new orleans recipes. life was grand that day. when i arrived home my parents were out shopping together for gifts so i just hung out with my sisters, wrapped all my gifts and went and saw a movie with one of my favorite people in the world, marcus. (repeat movie: the holiday..it was just that good folks!)



christmas day i was woken up early (parents were quite excited to give us our gifts) i got some great things..the kind of things that are specific to you as a person...the kind of gifts that make you feel good knowing someone knows you that well...my friends and fam are pretty darn great. the only downfall was i had to also get on a plane that day...i spent the afternoon and evening flying home...funny that i call los angeles home now...my boyfriend, bless his heart, knew that i'd be a little emotionally torn. it was good to see him (spending the holidays away from the ones ya love is hard man!) but man i'm a momma's girl!!!



summed up the weekend couldn't have gone any better. my family's back in one piece. the full weight of that sentence hasn't really hit me 100% yet. i'm working on it though. i feel like i'm in a haze most days...my parents, my boyfriend, my friends...i feel so blessed to have collected all of these people...i'm almost numb to the happiness if that's possible.



tomorrow my bedroom furniture arrives and i'll no longer feel like a poor struggling artist..thank you santa!!! new years is coming up and the boy plans to endulge my fantasies...he's trying to gather friends together that want to stay in and play board games : ) gotta love the guy!!! i'll have an acting blog up soon. i have to think a little bit more before that one will come to fruition.



happy holidays ya'll!!!



p.s. did anyone get kissed underneath the mistletoe?
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