a series of unfortunate events

unfortunately bad days are inevitable...lucky for me though i'm shedding that day's skin and starting fresh. as soon as i blog about it i think i can let it go properly.

the weekend started out cool as heck. my girl b and i decided we needed some much needed date time so after work we met up at a mall (b's favorite place in the whole world--i think she'd skip thru it if she could). we ate some good food, discussed our past week, discussed picking up my play brother from the airport in a couple of hours (you know the fun stuff) and just enjoyed each other's company.

she helped me memorize some lines for an acting workshop on saturday, went with me to pick up the boy and accompanied us to dinner at mexicali where we promptly ordered more yummy food and some great tequila. it was swell but we stayed up (the three of us) way too late talking into the wee hours of the morning and then woke up at 7:30 to go hiking/running and it plum tuckered me out. i knew it was a bad idea to stay up late--being that i had lines to cement and such but your play bro only comes once in a blue moon so the devil on my shoulder drop kicked my angel and you get the rest.

i was so tired going into that acting workshop. i got there early and sat beside these two other actresses that were comparing notes (both recent la transplants, etc.) i tried to join in the conversation but they were really snooty and competitive...sitting on the 'casting couch' is never my cup of tea. EVERYONE has a SAG card, EVERYONE's been in la only for a short time but has already gotten tons of work, they have fabulous resumes (one chick was bragging about her silly training at some prestigious acting school and how acting classes were trivial--i wanted to beat her upside her head and remind her of all the craptastic folks that currently have roles on national tv--without an impressive resume....no one gives a hoopty which dumb school you went to!) then she proceeded to burp....many burps. it was the weirdest FUNKIEST ish ya'll...they weren't even cute little burps, they were the nasty funky meaty kind and she just kept saying "oh excuse me" like that was supposed to help any...burp girl was trying her hardest to wreck my flow and she did a damn good job of it.

after a bit the casting director in charge of the workshop sat down and began to talk to us about acting and then answered our questions...i sat there peacefully and calmly taking notes on what she said up until the point where she mentioned you can't get national tv work if you're not SAG period...a detail that my fabulous agent said didn't matter. i sat in my little chair under the stage lights and almost cried...my whole world almost came crashing down at that point. all i could think about was that show i'm always talking about--the one my writer friend has promised me an audition for. how am i supposed to audition for a part that i want more than life itself if i'm not gonna even be able to get passed the first door?!

i was too tired to even think. i got into my one on one with the casting chick and fudged up so bad. she let me do it again but my head wasn't there...i forgot ALL my lines...all of them and they were so good...they were HILARIOUS and i owned those damn lines...only to forget them and then receive a comment from the c.d. saying, "you need to stay in the moment, i didn't feel like you really knew the scene"...sigh. that's an actor's worst nightmare...basically means you can't act in a really nice way. i left the place with my head down and i never really recovered. for the first time ever i felt the sheer uncertainty of the life i chose. i had to put on a happy face for my friends but i did a crummy job of it. (acting abilities and confidence out the door)

i cried a little. my heart broke a little and i felt so lonely...my friends all have paths they chose and have executed quite well. i just felt like my "tish" (the bravery, esteem, confidence and strenth)--was slippin off its axis. i woke up this morning desperately seeking out things that make me feel happy and good...i watched some oprah's i had recorded, read some and just did me and when i started to come back i began to list the things i could do to get back on track.

my writer friend, who is on the picket lines, has asked me to come and join her and i just might do that next monday...see if i can get some time off from work. i need to be around the peoples i want to be my peoples. i decided i'll write my agent too and find out the necessary steps i need to get into SAG. i'm writing them down and big bold print and posting them at my desk so that i can see that stuff every day and get it...

people say i'm not doing enough out here but i don't know what to do so i just wonder about the streets of la wondering when my break will magically appear.

this weekend sucked but it was a good, no great, wake up call. i have no idea what i'm doing out here. i have no idea if my big leap of faith will pay off and that scares the crap out of me. i just keep thinking over and over "this has got to work out for me. it just has to!"

a series of unfortunate events...the acting stuff, stressful la traffic this weekend, oscar-my ipod-died on me yesterday... these things in the past would have sent me straight to my room crying but now i'm learning...getting pushed down just teaches me a new and interesting way to get back up--i'm the queen of getting back up!

my play brother asked me if this is what i really wanted...if i should just give up and i told him what i tell everybody...giving up isn't an option to me...and i'm not saying that in a cliche kinda way. it literally is not an option. something deep down tells me this is what i'm supposed to do...nothing else for now tish--this is it and it's strong enough to force me to listen and do.

so forewarning...i'll listen to just about anything you've got to say, but i won't & can't listen to jibber jabber about giving up. that's like saying stop breathing....it' s not an option.

i need a fairy godmother...that's the only option i'm open to at this point.


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