mental pen in hand

school teaches us to regurgitate the words thrown at us. we're never taught how to learn-analyze-think... instead we're taught to recite. that lovely little skill follows us thru life--surpassing the confines of classrooms. i can't even count how many times i've spoutted "i'm fine. i'm strong. i'm self-knowing, assured and whole" when i didn't have a clue. i was told what strong looked like; that it was what a woman like me should be so i put on the hat and wore it well...reciting was my speciality.

this was definitely my year of self-discovery. for the first time ever i started learning from the inside out and concepts i'd use from the past actually became truth, felt right...felt good.

i've said it before, i'll say it again--books find me at just the right time. right now i'm supposed to be reading this book called _sweeter the juice_or something along those lines but the library wouldn't let me check it out any longer (conspiracy against slow poke readers i tell ya!) so i decided to pick up one of chele's many suggested readings, _when chickenheads come home to roost_ and i tell you i'm on cloud 9 with all the "yes girl!" moments i'm experiencing. this book has shown me how far i've come in my understandings of my own crazy warped mind.

two journals ago i wrote on the cover, "i will no longer be complicit in my own opression"...i wrote it, i'd recite it to folks, but i never really got it or lived its meaning.

that phrase was in the first chapter of this book...gave me my first aha you truly get it tishy...good girl. she lists acting anecdotes about being true to oneself, conflicting interpretations of femaleness and blackness, seeing the beauty in the things our friends do and truly appreciating and honoring's a full circle kinda moment for me.

by no means am i done learning. every day's a new chapter but i feel like i have a good foundation now whereas i didn't in the past. joan morgan (the writer) even discusses how hard it is to look at oneself honestly and pull out the good the bad and the ugly. this woman had my number.

i just feel like things are coming into focus more. i'm applying everything i learn into acting niblets of truth..i'm learning all over the place...heck, denzel was on oprah the other day and i was sitting there, mental pen in hand. ya gots to. apply what you learn to what you love most...that's my new motto ;)

i have a ku/usc basketball game to attend this weekend along with an acting networking party on saturday so i should get plenty of little joys to make me flitter about. even in my lazy pissy mood that i've held onto this whole darn week i'm feelin' this good buzz underneath. gotta love it. alright. back to the book i go.

waiting on the big break,



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