tish in a nutshell

for some reason my thoughts are all over the place today therefore i've written a hodgepodge of blogs and lumped them together. just call me Kerouac...stream of conscious can be cool.

Living truths

I have this poster board hanging in the hallway of my bedroom that displays all the representations of dreams and goals I want in my life, along with current personality quirks I possess and so forth.

Sometimes when I get ready in the morning I take a minute to go over as much as I can on it and just soak it all in. there's one section though that always requires a couple of extra seconds. For reasons I did not know at the time I put up a saying asking, "Can I be honest". I've always been a pretty honest up front kinda gal but even the most open individuals have their omissions. This ain't new jibber jabber. We all know this but why must we do it?

In acting classes across the nation you'll sooner or later hear a coach ask you why you've committed to such and such. You can't just say anything or do anything without a hidden intention…Being a great actor is all about having great instinct and really coming to terms with the intentions you're bringing to the table. Why can't this apply to real life? I know people that are in relationships that don't work but put on a happy smiles and tell the world at large things are great, people that lie about their age, their hair color, their hair length, their infidelity, their bad gas …and for what?! Why do we lie and say it's all gravy?!...Who do we have to impress other than ourselves? Life is so short and we all deserve happiness...In my opinion ignorance ain't no kinda bliss...and why claim unneeded drama?!

Koko the virtual trainer

J gets to travel every so often for her job and it's swell. She always comes back with some great stories and some interesting new fitness industry toys but this last trek to Chicago took the cake. She came across a cool new gizmo called koko—a virtual trainer. The darn thing tells you when to rest, when to start up again, how you should be training, what you should be doing…life don't get much better than that peeps.

I just wish I could get a koko for all other areas of life. Kokos would sell like hot cakes! Imagine if you will a koko for sad times. Ok bella you're allowed to cry for 2.5 hours and then you must stop. You may cry hysterically. Big tears and heaving are allowed but after that 2.5 hour mark you must move on to writing in your journal and grooming your dog.

Or if you will, try out koko the worker bee. Koko calculates your interests, strong points, weak points and then proceeds to give you instructions on where to work, how long to work, etc. etc.

Koko the nutritionist. "If you take one more bite of that your stomach will begin to warp into a bubble gut wielding machine. Put down the dairy product now"

A wedding to remember

Sigh…6 days until I make the trek back to kc for my best friend's wedding. I can't believe that it's almost here. Just yesterday I was sitting on the phone while my best friend's now fiancé nervously asked if I could help him plan the proposal and now…this wedding means so much. it's a serious mile marker for j. I can remember us as kids back in jr high having a slumber party in her parents' basement and discussing our dreams for the future. That little 14 year old girl in j is smiling right now.

The wedding details will come later but for now I'm just giddy to get there and eat lovely food, drink great wine and laugh my arse off with the one who occupies a big ole chunk of my heart. There's nothing like celebrating with the ones you love! this wedding has come to symbolize so much for me. I'm sure j has a different spin (hee hee) but for the woman of honor (that'd be me yo!) it's huge that I'm going to witness her starting a new chapter of her life and celebrating something that I seriously believe in—that being her love for good ole mr fiancé.

Giving Heart

The spirit of charity and giving has been all around me lately. A good friend of mine from back home went thru some painful and challenging procedures last year so that she could provide eggs to a woman who couldn't produce any of her own. she ended up having twins which recently decided to pop into the world. I think it's really beautiful and amazing what she did and she and those babies seriously warm my heart. It takes a strong and loving individual to help a family out like that.

Then there's the lovely juvenile diabetes walk I'll be doing here soon. It's almost addicting raising money for this. Every dollar I raise I swear I visualize going straight into my dad's pancreas. Is it wrong that I get something out of all this? It's not a selfless act. It's almost addicting to be a part of something bigger than my life. I've encountered some really amazing hearts and have gotten back the sweetest responses from friends and family who want to help out. diabetes and I are not friends…the disease proved quite challenging for a kid with a parent living with the diagnosis. Now I'm ready to kick its arse any way I can.

alright...i think i've gotten out everything out. i feel better. night, night. ta ta[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : avante garde...and all that jazz

Posted Date: : Oct 16, 2007 8:38 PM

i haven't been able to write for quite some time (that's a big duh from the peanut gallery). i've been hacking away in my journal trying to verbalize what it is that's sent me to the land of blues and back again. i think i've somewhat figured it out. i've been going thru life waiting for my norm to hit, waiting for my dreams to fly, waiting for things to steady out, waiting for the harmony to flow and it's just not workin' out that way.

i was listening to miles the other day and for the first time i could really hear the improvisation in his music. fell in love all over again... like a miles' song my life follows a basic rhythm: the people around me, society's rules and social norms all keep on beat. life keeps moving forward and i'm moving but it's skattered and all over the place. for a long time now i've been disappointed in that aspect of my life but for the time being my outlook has changed.

i sat last week crying my eyes out and then my best friend started talking to me and she got thru. your friends are supposed to tell you good things to cheer you up but she sincerely showed me how she sees me. i needed to see myself thru the eyes of someone i trust and love.

i had managed to bruise my own ego pretty well. i wore the smile but it wasn't sincere. i've always been strong. i've always known my limit. i've always known when to say enough and pick myself back up but this time i couldn't. in one day i got bad news from my job, got a cruel email right after that, saw someone that brings out the ugly in me, delt with the closure of bad dating decisions and it all culminated into a ball that i quickly analyzed and attached to the list of "why my life sucks".

sometimes you just need to cry.

everyone close to me had advice. my dear grandma told me "all that glitters ain't gold", j gave me endless encouragement and reminded me of my divine kiwi power, b sat me down and dissected the behaviors of the cruel people tainting my life and little by little my damn spine started to come back. i don't know what happened. yes, i have specific goals that i aspire to achieve, can be my own worst critic and self-analyze on a daily basis..this all contributed but i'm scared to think that maybe my faith and hope is dwindling. it's literally all i have so i can't lose it.

i don't know how many years i can be fabulously skattered and still win the approval of my inner tish but there are some good things i'm focusing on right now so i'm ok. i have to ask though, how do people get thru their 20's in one piece?!

i'm learning so much about my character it's unreal but it don't come easy.

and the trumpet keeps blowing...


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