time frame for a profound change

have you ever had a full on jam packed emotional conversation while at work?

it's grueling trying to hold it all in. whether it's a great conversation or a not so great one, controlling the levels of intensity can be harsh. that happened to me yesterday while i was chillin in the cube.

the first, last and only regret i've ever experienced in my life came barreling forward thru my microsoft outlook and boy was i NOT ready. i had a love once. my one true love, well rather my one true adult love and unfortunately that love made me choose between he and acting...kansas city or los angeles...

"black or white tish. there is no grey"

the week before i moved out here i had dinner with my guy best friend, fat, and i cried to him that i had to make it because if i didn't i would regret the life i had to leave forever. i knew then that saying good bye to aforementioned true love was a HUGE choice but somehow i blocked that whole emotion, that whole fat conversation, that whole everything out...until yesterday when my ex so lovingly thru it all back in my face and brought up crap i never knew existed.

we of course stayed friends after the break up...i'd date and then break up with someone and he'd be in that group of folks that i'd go and console myself to.

then yesterday he mentioned ever so casually that he's now living with someone and they're probably going to get married...he brought up the trips they take together...the things he does for her and i immediately saw the yellow flag go up. i could detect hostility in his words...he was getting back at me. eagerly throwing the life i left in my face and it knocked the breath out of me. first i thought this guy was beyond other ex's...i mean we had loved and respected and cared for each other so much i just never assumed there was any built up anything...but now i realize that would have been way to easy and convenient for good ole tishy.

in a matter of minutes every word he had never said, every emotion he had never let me see was knocking me in the gut and it was crazy hard...i'm at work taking all of this in...defending myself, my heart, my dreams, battling back tears while people at work shuffled by and asked for deadline estimations and other bull crap that in the large scheme of things aren't really that important.

sometimes i feel like my dreams and the life my dreams have created for me follow way to close to cliche. everyone says that going after what you want in life produces obstacles and hardships that prove your passion but come on...

according to paulo coelho, "the profoundest changes take place within a very reduced time frame. When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready".

there's more but i'm not ready to write that part : )

our greatest, most profound moments in a tiny amount of time...hmmm. the question for me was never and will never be was that tiny amount of time worth all the obstacles but rather will it last long enough for me to recognize and appreciate the moment that i spent a lifetime waiting for.

take care ex... i hope some day i can show you that dreams and love can coexist.

in case you were wondering i was able to finish out my day without drawing attention to myself. i don't have to attend classes to get my act on


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