fam bam

so i just got back from my wonderful weekend in seattle. the fam bam reunion was great. i always revert back to my kid self (i actually get confused when they make me pay for stuff now) washington is a beautiful state and i really do enjoy my fam...they're funny and active...my uncle is this amazing cook and was stickin his foot in stuff all weekend long...making lattes for folks in the morning...i mean dang! it doesn't get much better i'm afraid. in all it was a peaceful and relaxing weekend--

i'll spare you all the play by play fam bam. instead i'll share a delightful pre-seattle story with you. : ) enjoy.

it all started with a wild and crazy shuttle bus driver who drove like a bat out of hell and dropped me (tuck & roll style) in front of the airport. by the time i rolled my suitcase into the terminal i was sweaty bug-eyed and crack headish. i plopped onto my plane and prayed for a mute to sit next to me. all i needed was a quiet 2.5 hour flight and then came big-mouth boy. damn you tish for forgetting your ear buds for your damn ipod!

he proceeds to tell me his whole life story ...where he lives, his family life (wife, 2 kids--both boys), favorite sports, favorite sports teams...the WHOLE shebang. why do people open up and do this to me? i'm actually NOT a good listener and i have a short term memory thing....oh well. he also tells me about his favorite food...which happena to be bbq. i think he had this before he boarded...i can smell a garlicky something on him and beer...nice.

i pretend to fall asleep to get him to shush. by golly it works and he begins to snore. big boy goes hard, snores are causing major head turns but the m.f. farts the fart of all farts and the horror sets in. it's sick. garlic stench..people are groaning and looking around for the culprit. (why people will continue to take deep whiffs to locate the source instead of just fleeing from it period astounds me.) .i was about to throw the eff up--of course i couldn't pack any smelly lotion (stupid airport 3 oz rules & early shuttles that left me no time to pack the unexpected life emergency necessities to save the day) i immediately grab my 50 cent owned vitamin water (brilliant marketing by the way), pop the lid (thank goodness for tropical citrus--nice and fragrant) put it up to my nose and inhale....deeply. they should really let folks use those dang emergency masks for more than an impending crash. better yet, they could give a disclaimer that if you're cruel and crude enough to eat nasty-gas inducing food before a flight, then those around you are allowed to open up a can of whoop and slap you into the bathroom. i was dying...cruel and unusual stank punishment. imagine if you will the care bears and their care bear stare--that lovely piece of light that burts out of their bellies and cloaks those around them with love and good will. this fool is like the other care bear cousin from the other side of the fam. the side no one mentions...that WHACK bear whose ish bursts from his gut with the quickness and cloaks all of us in stench....

i was so angry i couldn't even talk to him as the plane was landing. thank you angela for writing a hilariously entertaining book (broke diaries) because i stuck my nose in it with the quickness and avoided all contact. i swear i would have punched him.

it was a nightmare and i talked about the farter all weekend long. a shame i say. a damn shame. stinkies are the worst airplane buddy to date and i will never be the same.

[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : lessons to remember angel

Posted Date: : Sep 6, 2007 7:44 PM

for my angel:

you don't have to be 80 plus to look back at the heartbreaks of your past and speak the lessons you've learned to help a friend. so here goes buddy.

1.) your friends will have their own heartbreaks to share to hopefully ease the pain. don't get caught up in comparisons. just because your luv didn't shoot you in the arse doesn't mean your pain isn't as bad as the next...that's not your friends' intentions either. they simply want to help you see what a future perspective on a lost love looks like.

2.) crack is whack...and looking like you're on crack is even whacker. make sure to keep showering...bathing...cleansing...chapstick on the lips to keep away the crack-headish-ness helps as well. when you look like crap you'll feel like crap...and that's the last thing you need at this point.

3.) download these songs, put them on a cd and listen to the darn lyrics. listen hard. my girl jen made me this..the best "music for my soul" cd ever. i must share. ( jill scott: one is the magic number, des'ree: ya gotta be, j lo: feelin' so good, garbage: special, erykah badu: call tyrone, no doubt: sunday morning, (i hate to say this but) britney spears: stronger, gloria gaynor: i will survive, whitney houston: its not right but it's ok, tracy chapman: give me one reason, fionna apple: limp, new radicals: get what you give)

4.) do you. your feelings will mislead you but just go with the flow. sometimes you'll be happy. sometimes you'll be so miserable you can't see thru your tears, sometimes you'll hate that person so much it hurts, other times you'll fear that hate, then you'll be calm, numb, free...not necessarily in that order and they'll rotate in and out. the point is your feelings are made to be irrational and poorly timed. don't make excuses for them. they're yours. own them and let them run their course.

5.) don't be scared that you'll be cynical for the rest of your life. we all think that at one point and it makes us even more miserable. your brain tells you that you're different and people telling you otherwise don't know you or your heart well enough but believe me...there's a reason there are songs out there spouting lyrics like "thank you for making me a fighter..." these are tough times but the heart is resilient and you will get better, stronger, wiser and happier. you'll even fall in love again. promise.

call me anytime buddy...


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