finding peace

6.13.2007
i went thru this weird poetry kick a couple of months ago...and for some reason i'd just throw the errant papers in weird places and forget about them. (says a lot about my writing) but anyways. i was cleaning out my work bag and came across this one:




finding yourself in a place where life's how it should be

how you hoped it would be before...

before false love bore false perspective

bore false joy

false hope



peace from emotional lonliness

disappointment...

fear worry and pain



finding peace



it's odd because i wrote this at a sad point in my life but somehow i knew i'd make it thru and be able to blast it to the masses truthfully. so now i can do that today...



so i woke up with some pretty heavy things going thru my head this morning...back in college i took a class on the concentration camps....we'd read book after book, testimony after testimony on how the nazis were able to control that many people...how they could control riots and rebellions...basically cease them all together...similar to the slave/overseer relationships...i know this is exponentionally greater than layoffs at a job in the valley but we folks left at work today had to carry on and pick up the work of those that were let go...knowing that we're next. it's the weirdest feeling. you just try to hang on and hang in for as long as you can. (heavy thoughts for an actual good night of rest)



the other thought i had (thank goodness) was the current mental list i have stored on what it takes to be a mate of mine. i have my fare share of conversations with God as I'm sure most everyone else does...whether they know it or not it pops up from to time...it's probably one of the THE most personal actions we as humans partake in...something we rarely share with anyone else...thus having conversations with God outloud with the one you love has to be one of THE most beautiful acts of love i can imagine. and i'm not talking about praying...people do that all the time together but actually just talking...and allowing the person you love to hear. it's pretty deep...



the reason it came up is because i could NEVER share such personal things with ex's...most of the time i was talking about them...asking if they were the right one for me...thanking God for sending them to me, thanking God for shutting them up for me : ) to trust someone so much that you can stand on your wedding day dancing in your spouse's arms and say outloud, "thank you for sending me this man/woman"



i rarely get so romantic but something's come over me. my best gal pal, j, just finished this book that changed her life and gave her this new sense of spirituality she didn't know existed...she described it over email and i seriously could see her speaking and see her glowing...it was a beautiful thing. i'm tired of messing around with people that aren't serious about what love really is...being with your friends, family, loved ones...



saying, "i'd take a bullet for that guy" is SERIOUSLY not enough..what is that?! lol...i don't get it at all...whatever. i have this image of what my tish mate should be like...he doesn't cheat, he doesn't lie, he doesn't continue to woo me after we've broken up--knowing it's good and over, disrespecting me and intentionally hurting me



this guy is fly...(that means phenomenal ellen and pat!) and he makes me want to banish the nasties i've experienced in my life and focus on being a beautiful human being...the honest sense of the word.



gosh darn you jen and your darn book. i'm going to the library this weekend. i'm picking it up. you've rubbed off on a sista!!!



i'm finding my peace



p.s. tonight i'm watching the first indie professional film i ever acted in. right before i moved out here to la la land i auditioned for and received a cooky part in a small budget film shot in kc called "self help". a girl that acted in it with me recently moved out to los angeles and brought a copy along (apparently the sister girl gets her copy last--debbie downer music) we're going to watch it tonight. i'm nervous...watching myself on film is a funny thing. i get so embarrassed and nervous lol. it should be rockin good times though. i'll let you know how it is :)

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