left with a choice..make sure it's a good one

looking back thru your past can be a very sad experience...friends we're no longer close with...memories of our mistakes...even the good times tug at my heart a little. just in a different way.

i think i've gone zombie a little too long. it's time to have one of those reality checks that help you remember who the heck you are. me personally, i look in the mirror and i don't recognize the person looking back so i have to speed thru the last whatever amount of time since my last check and figure out where to go from there.

here's what i have so far. lying to yourself is a nasty nasty habit. i find myself getting caught up on other's perceptions of me. yes, people are shushing me right now for saying that but don't we all care to a point? there's always a level of rationality but at the same time i read old emails from friends who i no longer speak to and how one choice changed everything. i still stand by what i chose...it was the most real thing i had ever known BUT somehow that part (the real part) was lost and now i'm just left with a choice i made a really long time ago. i wish i could change that. i've never encountered this kind of sadness until that choice and it's hard because i did it all in good faith.

my heart is so full of emptiness right now...it's all i think about...the fact that it can't be filled...it's the worst feeling. one choice...

maybe i should get this ish taken care of before i let the perceptions of others devour me. that's basically what happens ya know. so yeah...the truth in a nutshell.


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