hard to say goodbye

4.19.2007
mr. texas left today. he was supposed to stay until next week but his job called him back and because of that silly job i've gone thru THE worst highs and lows this week. it all started out with a big pink elephant in the room.




mr. texas and i never really layed it out there as to why he was visiting, what it meant for 'us'...if an 'us' could even be...etc. so the first couple of days were a little awkward but for the most part fun as heck. we caught up...giggled, hung at cool spots, did whatever and then the day we found out he had to leave all the ish hit the fan...i witnessed behavior in him that confused and hurt the crap out of me and i let it all out...my feelings (the good, the bad and the ugly) and i sat there, sadly not the first time, and waited for explanations and truths to come that never did. believe it or not we were able to define some things and agree on friendship. because of that, we were able to really enjoy each other's company his last night here and for the first time i was reminded of why the boy was my first love.



we went to the 'naughty' sushi restaurant i've mentioned before and grubbed like worms, drove down sunset, into hollywood, cruised los angeles and then came home, put on our pj's and watched 300 (don't ask!) while drinking up the remainder of the alcohol we had purchased for extended drinking thru out the 10 days he was supposed to be here..needless to say he was a little giggly by the end of the night. the movie ended. we said good night and went to bed. i woke up the next morning, got ready for work and kissed his sleepy behind goodbye...and cried my little heart out all the way to work.



have i mentioned that i have this horrible 'don't leave me' issue that i can't seem to get a hold on? i can't stand the end of vacations, the end of guest stays, the end of breakups...i hate that moment where i'm reminded that i'm a lonely ole chick. i didn't even want to come home today...i knew that just seeing the empty spots where all his suitcases used to be would send me on another crying spree...and it did. it really is that hard to say goodbye.



not only that but a boss of mine held a meeting today to let the staff know she'd be leaving us...goodbye number 2 in the same day? um...nope. that's it...i cried all day at work...big globby tears and all the way home.



i have problems with change apparently too.



so this weekend will be me trying to get my heart and head back together again. my friends are so wonderful and supportive. ugh...i'm crying again! what's up with this? it confuses the heck out of me that's for sure. i know this man has a lot to work on and frickin so do i...we may not even be right for each other...we definitely aren't ready for each other now so WHY can't i just get on with the fact that i'm doing my thing, he's doing his thing and that's it?! i'm so hungry but every time i go in the kitchen i see the birthday cake i made for him and i lose all appetite. i just want him to come back and hang with me. sniff.



i'm just a mess. plain and simple. why do i always have to say goodbye to the people i care most about in this world?

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