socratic ignorance

i thought of something just now.

i trek thru life in and out of certainty in regards to who in the heck i am. i'm 25 and i still have days--lots of days--where my environment takes control of who i am. work is the worst. i get so overwhelmed with people asking this and that of me--never having a quiet moment--never taking time to appreciate the work i've completed. this scenario causes me to lose my grasp on who in the heck i am. i become this zombie robot...just producing what needs to get done, feeling this sort of cracked out accomplishment that is totally busted to pieces once i realize the job is whack...whack because it's so far removed from what i see myself as. i am an actress. i've always been an actress, always wanted to be an actress. i'm a people person. i like to talk. i like to be outside. i like to laugh with my friends, cry in movies, pinch my boyfriend's butt until he laughs like the dough boy. sometimes i forget all of these things about me. sometimes i don't have the energy to be that person. it's sad to me. today was a hard day. a lot of people had hard days today. there's a full moon so maybe that has something to do with it (should have cut my hair).

whatever the case may be i feel like my occupation is always going to play a part in my happiness. i hate to place so much importance on my dreams but that's the nature of that specific dream to be an equivalent to achieving simple happiness and contentment--one's ability to do what they love and call it an occupation.

unti that moment comes...and it will! i have to figure out a way to hold on to what i like about i see myself and all that jazz. i moved thousands of miles away and i think i left an important part somewhere a long the way...maybe in a motel room in amarillo, texas or something.

who the heck are we? what propels us to keep going? are most people living to reach something? or are they living because they're enjoying what they've reached? when do we become whole?

some folks may think i'm a sick sad case because i'm in my 20's and i still haven't figured out who i am exactly, but i find it somewhat liberating to say i haven't a clue yet. if you can't be honest with yourself who can ya be honest with? i'm living in a fishbowl right now but going around in circles was never my thing. i'm gonna break out and people's jaws are gonna drop. i know that much to be true at least. maybe then you'll read a blog where i just find me and life makes sense. : )


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