the year of the rat

2007 is almost over...a couple more hours and i can say good bye to probably the most difficult but positive life-changing year of my adult life. i was given this amazing gift you see...the gift of change.

we receive these moments of hardship. at this point you can either complain and cry "why me" or you can realize how precious the pain can be. for some reason roses and smiles don't really propel us into takes intense changes to shake us to our core and help us grow and for the first time in my life i didn't run from the tears, my responsibilities, my faults and definitely i didn't run from the truth. i'm no longer scared of change because i'm solid now if that makes sense.

for the first time ever this new years means something to me. i am connected to the "yet to come" and i'm confident in my future because i've become the woman i've always deep down wanted to be. i have amazing dreams and amazingly good people around me and things just feel right. there's a buzz...i'm different now and i have 2007 to thank for it.

i'm so excited for the year of the rat. i don't have resolutions per say...i just can't wait to see what the new me will do. it gives me chills just thinking about the good to come.

tonight i'm going to a house party to ring in the new year with friends. we'll drink and be merry, play games and enjoy each other's company. in the past i would obsess over the date i had to have, the relationship that would surely follow...that's it!!! that's all my silly little mind could wrap my wishes and dreams i was limiting my world so much. this year i want me and the limits, no expectations other than to be the best me i can be...i want to be great.

with that being said my motto for this year, the year of the rat is "fascinate the greats in 2008"...i'm gonna make my mark ya'll. :)

to all my loved ones thank you and i hope this year is just as great for you all as well...and for all my milestone moments. i remember, i learned and i will continue to grow.

tish-esque days

so in my previous blog i mentioned a friend calling me in regards to her new relationship...i just got off the phone with fat and he opened up about some deep ish he's been going thru...not necessarily the best of situations but i'm really proud of his ability to remain clear and honest and eventhough it's hard, i know the situation will only help him and make him a better man. basically i got two good phone calls today...i was reassured twice that two of my buds are on good paths.

i'm always braggin about my sundays and today just happened to be another great tish day. i woke up and cleaned my apartment top to rid of some stuff i was hanging on to for silly reasons..making room for the new year if you will and then watched some really great movies over a cup of cinnamon coffee. life just don't get any more tish-esque than that. i was right in the throws of the movie "saved" when my fashionista called to tell me the best random news.

let me back up. a really long time ago my gram spoke to someone that read my future (the bean lady if ya'll remember) and she said some guy would help me with my acting career...crazy but true. so fast forward to 2007, the psychic i went to told me basically the same thing...i won't be romantically linked to the man the psychic referred to as "the magician" but he'll help me find my way (manager, etc.) so yeah, i've just kept my eyes open lately and then my fashionista tells me months ago that she has an actor/model friend that she believes could help me lots but she's lost contact and has no way of getting a hold of forward to today. she happens to be at some swap meat place (is that how you spell that?) anyways she runs into him randomly and tells him about me and so they both call me and he tells me he's gonna grab my number from her and call me later this week to talk. lol....what the!? aren't my friends great?! i'm gonna call him the magician. that's his nickname. who knows if he's THAT guy but everybody in my blogs needs a nickname so there ya go. : )

i love life. : )

good news on a sunday morning

how wonderful is it when ya wake up on a sunday morning and the first person you talk to gives ya good news?

i have a dear friend, the original grammama if you will, who called to tell me she's in love. how cute is that?! this girl is amazing: highly intelligent, sweet...just the best but she's always been on the more reformed side of dating...if that's the correct word...closed off a bit. she had this great relationship in the even ended great--they both remain friends, totally amicable...yadda yadda and so i was hopeful that my girl could do the darn thing...that some day the perfect guy for her would come around and voila he did : )

so she's on cloud nine because they're vacationing in miami, living it up...they work somewhat together--she's getting her doctorate in psychiatry and wants to counsel athletes, he's a coach...professionally/socially they get along great and i've never heard the girl sound so carefree on the phone. i love it when my friends are happy like this.

sometimes i look back at where we all started out and how far we've come (i'm the late bloomer of the group professionally) and it just feels me with this deep sense of pride. i have so many great female friends and they're finding their version of happy every day in all relms of their lives.

life don't get much better. now you'd think when you find happiness it's a solo moment of triumphant...oh no! i like to think it affects everyone around you and they get to join in on the happiness too lol. (remember that the next time you tell me something great and i scream on the phone.)

my dating life has been fun and it just keeps getting more and more interesting. yesterday i was at the grove, this beautiful little shopping area in los angeles, and this little girl approached me and gave me a business card spouting it was from her uncle. it was the cutest thing. i never saw the guy so it's a bit goofy but my friends got a kick out of the ordeal. my twin's husband couldn't get over the fact that he had to be booty ugly or he would have approached me himself. any thoughts?

it was different lol. we'll see if i get curious enough to email the mystery man.

lol...ain't life great?

bestest in the westest

dude my cali friends are the bestest in the westest! so here is my blog i wrote earlier in my work day:

So tonight I'm gathering some of my most lovely friends together for a wonderfully chill evening to celebrate the "it's only just begun" point in my life. We're heading for a spot called luna park ( that looks like a lot of fun.

I'm really excited to see this group of folks meet up. there's about 12 of the most diverse & interesting folks coming to the table. I've got two professors, a building contractor, an up and coming fashion designer, a PR gal, a sitcom writer and author, possibly my make up artist and her French hip hop fiance, some insurance buds and me, an insurance/out of work actor. Lol. it's gonna be the bomb…especially after I get a mojito in me!

It's not customary for me to go thru and list people's occupations at a dinner party like it's "resume 101: taking it to the streets" but this gathering tonight is to celebrate not only my beginnings but the hustles and dreams of all those that are coming. It's the perfect ending to 2007.

so yeah i've since returned from probably one of the best dinner parties i've ever hosted. it was great! the first to arrive were my pals d and evvie and those two got loose with me over some yummy sangrias (the mojitoes just weren't cuttin' it for me sadly enough) and then the gang started showing up in clusters...We had great food, great conversation, great drinks...

you may not believe it but i actually feel silly when folks sit around and gush over me usually (hush) but it was just splendid tonight that everyone was making connections and attributing little ole me as the middle man that made it all happen. i love hook ups! we seriously closed the restaurant down...the valet brought us all our keys lol and we all walked out together, hugging and giving well wishes...i loved it, i loved it i loved it. i'm getting text blasts from everyone saying how much fun they had and how my friends are all cool...and they really are. there wasn't a debbie downer in the bunch (i was a debbie downer at my last dinner party unfortunately because of circumstances beyond my control) and everyone was doing the dang thing...drinking their sangria (i started a trend there) and just cuttin up...sharing a little bit of their lives and gettin a little life from everyone else.

i'm sorry but tonight goes down in the books. i paused the group chit chat for a bit to announce that everyone at the table would have to come back on my oscar night because that celebratory energy was the shiz nit...and for my first AFTRA job..are you kidding me?! i love 'em...

and my best friend in kc was there in spirit. i told a little story about a sangria bar we loved in my ole college town (henry's) and she automatically popped into the room. j you were there girl : )

12-28 goes down in the books...yup yup yup

thick skin or bust

alright....first day recap:

lol it was hard guys. i almost cried a tiny bit. i can't start this with a negative vibe though...we'll skip to the end. am i glad i did it? yes. did i learn something new about the business today? yes i did! are my friends still awesome because they were the ones that found the positive spin? yes they are!!! lol

ok so to sum it up, the wardrobe guy was a schmuck and made fun of my clothes (in a not nice way), the two other people in the room with me were mad at me for not being AFTRA and told me how folks like me are ruining it for those actually in the if i could get there i'd be there schmucks!...

i got on set and the magic started coming...i walked by a set where the old price is right stuff was stored (for some reason this was huge for me...i got a little shaky lol) and then i started looking at all the lights, the beams, the was so cool. the lights and cameras couldn't keep me happy for long though.

being in the background is the most humbling of positions. you're just looked at like a nobody and talked to like you're a nobody, well every one treats you this way except for the lovely camera men and crew. the guys were great! this one guy watching the folks on a little tv kept making jokes to make me laugh...when i'm a big fish i will remember how people acted, remember how it made me feel. i will bring goodies for the crew and spoil them in honor of the young and the restless crew of dec 2007. i'll say hello to those just starting out in the game too. that's right yo!

i got into work all ready to start the solo tishy pity party but then my friends reminded me that i have thick skin so the party was indefinitely post poned. i still plan to go out and celebrate with my friends tomorrow night...

it's only just begun...

p.s. still little ole me

so i'm watching the hills on repeat (i'm always late to the game..i can't watch anything during the reign of its popularity....just wouldn't be me) and they're eating what do i do?

little ole tish who struggles in la as a working actress (wink wink) makes tuna casserole ala po girl (mac & cheese with tuna) lol...

as soon as i realized my attempt at seeing and then doing i giggled...

; ) improvisations paint my life interesting

it’s only just begun

i've had that song by the carpenters in my head all day. i love the unconscious messages my brain sends me. i didn't even realize what i was singing until someone started giggling at my lyrics ;)

i'm not really nervous for tomorrow...just curious as heck...i'm on slow mo

you know my mind's working out something though because i came home and cleaned the mess out of my place. it's my cathartic pleasure...can i even say it's guilty?

i put together a little shin dig celebration for this weekend. i love my buds. haters could (and have) totally tried to minimalize the importance of's small yes...i could be lame and say "there are no small parts, just small actors" but that would be lame : ) the point is these folks are just as giddy as i am...and live in los angeles...everyone here knows someone so they could totally be jaded but no...not my lovely buds.

i am bummed about one really girly totally "sola"'s the holidays and i've totally grubbed like i've never grubbed before. not good for the whole on camera "i feel fabulous" mentality i need but i'm an actress lol...i'll act fabulous.

ok i'm invoking the kiwi power for this one. (if you don't know what kiwi power's kind of like punky power...if you don't know what that is just think good vibes and energy)'re on

a new kinda christmas

merry christmas...

this little holiday weekend is going by so fast and i'm trying to cling to the time so desperately. i want to make sure i get everything that i'm supposed to out of it.

i've said in blogs past that every adversity should become a strong point...a tiny (or sometimes big) reality jolt that propels us to learn something and better ourselves in the process. i went back in my journal today...looked at life 12-24-06 and it's amazing how much i've changed. i was sad actually. i was worried about a cheating boyfriend (i went home for the holidays and couldn't even concentrate on my family time), i was stressed about acting and not comfortable with being patient and realizing that i was in a holding pattern for a reason. life was just different. basically i'm just really REALLY proud of the person i've grown into--thankful that i was given the opportunity to finally get who i am and what i am and should be about.

i've been kickin' it solo all day first solo christmas eve ever and it hasn't been too bad (i don't know if texting my peeps 24/7 is cheating but whatever). i've got the fire place going, the tree's glowing, i'm watching 'the holiday', made myself some chai tea...peace on earth has been achieved in one tiny quadrant at least : )

after this flick i plan to hit up the whole foods down the street, grab a bottle of b's favorite sparkling lemon aid and then head over to her fam's house for a night of grubbin and taboo. this non traditional christmas is's a sign that new things that i'm capable of handling are coming my way...i'm open for change. : )

i haven't really processed the young and the restless quite yet. i keep saying it's not that i'm not FOREVER grateful and happy, it's just that i've wanted this for so long...i mean i was four the first time i day dreamed about what i wanted my life to be. a little girl from the trailer parks...who would have EVER thought i could take my head and heart to that place...and now it's starting to happen. i realize i'm in the baby step throws of it but it's the beginning nonetheless! it's just crazy and i'm scared as heck lol. (the good kind of scared though...the kind that will push me to give it my all and never take it for granted)

this is a good christmas...

i wish i could get my pictures to stick on this darn blog site and i'd post some of the good stuff around i tell ya...

blessings come in all shapes & sizes

(and when you least expect them)

imagine if you will a girl waking up this morning, picking up some stuff to give to folks at work at the Rite-Aid around the block, getting in her car and hearing the song "Home for the Holidays" and starting to cry.

i wasn't doing too hot today. I called mo and cried a bit to her about how hard it was. I came to work and emailed my best friend about the stuff that was making me sad...the main issue being the sacrifices i've had to make ever since i made the decision to move out here. i've listed these sacrifices've all heard my pity call (i'm sorry for that) but it gets hard...i sat at my computer and wondered why i had to go thru so many sacrifices...why i had to take it all just because i was strong enough (supposedly to handle it). i got off of work early...i love that by the way. returned a christmas tree thingy to home depot and got on the freeway to head home and just relax...

my phone rang. i answered it. they asked for nina (who happens to be my sister so i was wondering what she got herself into) then the woman apologizes and says she's calling from young and the restless!!! that i've been chosen to do background on the show!!! that i start shooting next week!!! and i'm getting paid!!! i just about lost it. this is a great opportunity...i could get there. they could love me. they could give me a few lines to say. it's how it begins. it's beginning...

i called my mom and my two best friends and just started flippin out with them all. after i got down talking to everyone i sat in my car at a light and just looked up to the i kept asking God if i could handle all of it...when i was gonna get some slack and it came. i seriously had to sit there and give thanks and apologize for the doubt (then thanking again with a small plea to keep it all coming lol)

this is a hard life i've chosen but it's worth it if it pays off...i just have to keep working towards that dream...never compromising the stuff that's made me a good person so far and keeping my friends close and informed...cuz seriously it wouldn't be fair that folks get to hear me complain so much and then not get to be around for the times when i'm loving life.

and to the three women that sent me words of encouragement today and every day for that matter... i love you. Mo, jen and brandi... i think it's hard to be a constant pillar of support but they freaking do it and do it well. thank you, thank you...thank you.

it's starting to happen. the casting director told me that the boys on set liked my head shot and were excited to get to help me when i get there : ) hee hee

i'm still sad about not seeing my mo this christmas but i know now that i have to keep going so this isn't all in vain. studio 43 next thursday and friday. it's happening ya''s happening!!!

this christmas

how absolutely wonderful is christmas? so it's not a mystery i've been uber ho hum lately but all i needed was a little divinity apparently. i'm talking about the candy here.

i'm a huge mama's girl. my mo and i are thick as thieves...we've been together longer than anyone else in the fam (step dad and younger sisters) so you can imagine the sadness that hit me when i found out i wasn't going to be able to go home for the holidays. my mom, sneaky little thing that she is, decided to send me the ultimate christmas in a box to take a way a bit of the glum.

every christmas my mom goes into her kitchen, pulls out her mixer and starts making this wonderful holiday candy she calls divinity that seriously makes you want to kick back and giggle. you get a bite of christmas every's lovely. so she sent that and her world famous pumpkin bread....little loaves of goodness, decorations for my little charlie brown tree, my first stocking ever (it even says LaTisha on it) and some gifts i can't open until christmas. i got a little choked up at work when i was going thru it all. i've learned such a lovely lesson today. i have to get home any way i can from now is just too important to not be with your fam.

i need to sleep in the same room as my kid sisters christmas eve night, i need for my mo to sing us christmas carols, i need to wake up first on christmas, wake an and have her 'elf' the presents (separate 'em out for the big kids), i need dad to come out in his robe-coffee in hand and ask what santa brought us and i need to see mo's face when she opens our gifts...

that's the gift i got this year...i learned just how important christmas is what makes christmas for me.

work was a great distraction from the tears. we had our christmas shindig and i got to act like a crack head for the third time in a month's period. i get a kick out of making people crack up at can take a girl out of high school but you can never take her class clown...ness.

so it was a day of mixed joys...

i'm gonna finish wrapping gifts, eat some goodies and be merry : )

merry christmas ya'll...

an overzealous finger

i have been texting my best bud back and forth for the last couple of minutes and apparently have an overzealous finger that likes to push send before i'm done with a thought.

this finger is doing some darn good work in spite of its inability to text properly. i've been going thru one of my email accounts that i seriously haven't cleaned out since 2005...yeah. i just took the most lovely walk down memory some great old conversations, saw some digital photo albums i had forgotten about and hit the delete button with my little overzealous finger quite a few times. it feels good to make room for new thoughts, new memories : ) so many emails from past flirtations, friends planning weddings, acting news from my writer, friends in guyana...i know right...the emails i receive are the best! with the days i've had lately (pessimistic person indeed) it's good to know that i looked at my overzealous little finger in such a positive way.

i'm now moving on to writing christmas cards for coworkers (lots of alliteration there) and my finger's getting a work out once again...i've smudged two : ) it adds personality i think.

there are days where you feel like doing nothing-i haven't spoken since 4:30 p.m. and i love that quiet you can find the best an overzealous finger with the magical power to uncover a year or two worth appreciating : )

super life

i am not my job!

i just had to say that one more time for the people way in the back. i don't know if it was the gloomy never-ending rain, the fact that people were dumping crap on me today or the obvious duh (i have a degree in journalism--thrive off of being creative and work for an insurance company as a glorified secretary) ouch....

do you ever have these days?

a reality check like today can only be fixed with special meds....either i get my dream job perdy darn quick or this hot chocolate will magically create a surge of serotonin. more chocolate!!!

this is the first christmas that's pushing down on me. i guess i don't have the happiness of going home to my fam to back me up...bill griefs...these are the days of my lives lol. sigh...

i can't wait until i change out of the clark kent life into the super one...

the week in review

there's this reoccuring thought that keeps poppin' up: ok tishy, you've had this life changing wake up call and you've been happy and whole, but how will you do when something pops up...

so this week i learned that the new happy and whole me is the real deal. i had this really hard conversation with someone that could have been a make or break. i realized after we saw each other and started crying and hugging that if you're gonna have hard times they're gonna be a lot easier to deal with in the end if you have good wonderful people in your life. when you put it all out there for good people they'll never leave you hanging. it's a grand feeling and i'm still whole ; )

another test: dating....

so i feel like i had this crazy experience last year so that i could finally wake the heck up and learn who i really am, what i'm capable of and who i'm capable of handling in my life. so i went a very long time without dating and recently started to give it a i met a boy thru a friend of mine and we decided to hang out this weekend. (i don't know if i'm going to give him a nickname...we'll see) for the first time ever i felt like i could stand outside of myself and look at every situation was crazy. i'm so used to rushing in heart first...dangerous maneuvering. so i had a great time meeting someone knew...i got what you're supposed to get out of a first date: the first layer of background stories of our TMI mistakes...just what we're like on a day-to-day basis. it was cool. high five for tishy and boy (wink)!

i was scared i'd never want to do it again. i just had no interest and when guys would put it out there i'd sabotage the ish out of that crap. now i know my instincts were just doing their job.

so yeah i'm dating.

tests are never something i'll seek out but i'm not scared of 'em. i think i'm doing a good job of staying grounded and focused on the bigger picture and meeting some new great people in the meantime.

i watched some flicks this weekend too including "i am legend" and am still a little disturbed. it was really good (big props to will's acting chops) but the whole idea of one person left is a really hard thing to grasp and wrap your head around. go see it folks. i need someone to talk about it with me. (and a hug)

fred clause (cute and a definite christmas worthy fam flick)

golden compass (groan)

has anyone noticed there are more current moods listed?

no title gasp

this is a first...writer's block is a scary scary thing

is this the beginning of the end? gulp...

i did have a very swell week. i've been a happy little practical joker. the best friend was talking about her christmas package was going out...couldn't let it go down that easy. had to get a coworker of mine to call her, pretending to be the post office and set her straight about how they wouldn't be able to pick her package up until after christmas lol...hee hee. turns out i jinxed the both of our silly behinds but it still gives me a giggle....who thinks of these things?! what's wrong with me?! ha!

last night i went and saw a friend's play off of sunset and it was really good stuff. i was exhausted out of my mind, about to fall asleep and then the lines started up and i was captivated in the ish. it's been a long time since a play could do that for me! if you're ever in the mood to just get away you should hit up the theater of's around amoeba music down on sunset...'kitty cornered and north a little' as my friend bree would say.

today is the beginning of a good weekend. i'm about to take all my gifts to UPS...mail those puppies out and then it's time to pack and head south. i'm meeting up with a new friend to do some christmas stuff in san diego and catch a couple of new movies. i've found a marathon movie watcher yo! i haven't seen one since my fatima back in kc. this is major.

10 minutes and i can leave to be the first person at this mail facility... i'm gonna be 1! woo hooo

good side note: i've been having some good talks with friends...people are finding out they've outgrown friendships, are meant to write, are meant to be best friends with their husbands...these are the friend talks i love to hear. living life is an interesting kinda beast.'s 8:46 a.m. the day officially starts in 4 minutes.

still waiting on the break,


collectible memories

today jen and i were driving along when we saw a sign that said collectible made us giggle. that's why my blog is entitled as such...i heart cheeseball.

this weekend was so much fun. don't be confused by the melodramatic tone of this blog...i'm just sad cuz one of my favorite peoples in the world...someone who totally gets me, who makes me laugh hysterically, whom i love lots (like how i'm using who and whom my darling?) left and i have no idea when i'll be able to see her again. it was so bad today. i took her to the airport...we were kind of quiet but fine all day...and after i pulled away i started crying so hard i began to wig...couldn't breath...basically doing that ugly cry thing. it's so hard saying good bye. this weekend was just soooo great.

we got pinkberry ice cream, we giggle slept, we picked up vic early saturday morning, we set off on our great road trip, had a blast with the guy, had a blast at the zoo, went to this fun bar in the gas lamp district where my bud akiba met up with us and brought some of her cool buds and we just had a freaking blast...can't say it enough...vic was great. he showed jen all of these amazing things down in san diego...had a mariachi band sing happy birthday songs to her while we ate i think he was helping with my campaign to get her to move out here : )

she's in the air flying home right now and i'm just really wishing i could rewind time and do it all over again. sigh...i think i have to rethink my current philosophies on life. life has to happen in between the best friend visits...otherwise these moments are gonna get harder and harder. the more i think about, the more ironic it is that we saw that sign today...collecting implies they're rare and need to be stored...i definitely don't get that much time with the girl. i save everything in my memory bank and replay it over and over until the next great time.

i need one more good cry to be ok. have you ever been there? i'm done. no more writing. tgfb....(thank god for brandi)

this i know

i breath in and out.

i love where i am in my life.

i love who i've become.

i'm proud of the friend i try every day to be.

i'm blessed to have the friends i have.

i can feel my dreams coming around the bend.

i'm feeling like i'm mentally strong enough to take it all in.

i'm strong.

i'm loved.

i'm honest with myself and others.

i embrace my truths.

i'm tired of drama and know i don't deserve it.

i feel beautiful.

i am never lonely but some times alone and i love that.

i have arrived.

i breath in and i breath out.

this i know.

superbookworm (aka architect)

I heard a phrase today that I love: To be an architect of expansion. It's a keeper, right? I find myself hungry as a hippo to learn new stuff...which leads me to books most of the time. I'm reading this really interesting one right now (when chickenheads come home to roost) and I swear this ish is right on time!

I was giggling at my desk today, totally inspired and ready to re-evaluate the way I see myself and other melanin-privy ladies (aka sista girls aka black womenz). It's just refreshing to hear points such as we don't HAVE to be these strong pillars of strength that except the worst and define ourselves by our struggles. Who wishes for struggle?! Give me the easy life that I love and appreciate any day! ya know what I mean son?!

So yes, I'm reading this social commentary that speaks the truth and a book can't get much better than that for me. the strongblackwoman complex is only a tiny smidgeon of the stuff she covers.

I am hosting what I hope will be my best slumber party ever in January and I think I'm gonna have to share some of these lovely details with the sista girls (plus one Latina) because this is the kinda stuff you want your friends to know and understand. All girls, no matter where they come from (or how much melanin they possess) should read this book…It comes packed with an excellent perspective (at least in my opinion). The author starts out quite raw (very sista souljah language) but her points never get lost in it.

I'm soaking up the knowledge. People are coming at me from all different directions with good stuff to learn…why just today I learned the phrase "kickin rocks"…as in " today blows. I'm gonna go back to kickin' rocks" not that my day blows…hee hee.

It's been a good week. Yesterday I went out to dinner with my dear friend Bree and we did a cute little gift exchange, ate good food and came up with some fabulous guy names for the men she hates and loves most in her life (mwahahaha-you know I'm down for that!) It's just good to sit back and laugh your tail off…especially on a Monday frickin night!

Tonight I plan to watch one of my favorite movies this year with my boy D (I can't share the name of it quite yet because I plan to get it as a Christmas gift this year but in due time all the world will know this movie) I love exposing this dude to new stuff. He's totally a film nut like me so he basically loves everything…

Life's good. Oh! Something else new! One of my bosses just taught me how to create a campfire bomb from Sobe-the drink. See…you seriously learn something new every dang day! I seek, therefore I am the architect of my own expansion ; )

(and bow)

perfect period for a sat. sentence

the best moments come from the worst of times.

my weekend started off being uncomfortable and forced...but it's turned out so well. i'm convinced i've come to a pivotal point in my life and have changed for the better in my opinion.

a good friend came out with some pretty darn important news that goes back three years and had changed his perception of me (without me ever knowing) and hearing all of that really floored me. when you try to come at everything from a place of goodness it sucks to know bad perceptions still can follow but the air was cleared and we're better peeps for it. it's good to be vindicated.

my saturday was off the chain after that kind of aha moment. i got called in to my eyebrow wax early (bat those eyes) so i hopped over to pasadena to my lovely new salon (where halle berry and tyra banks have gotten their ish done) and low and behold my lovely writer (i've claimed her as my own) was there getting her hair did. small world right? we immediately screamed and started giggling. good times seeing folks that make you happy in the best kind of ways. i've decided i need people around me that are excited about where i'm going...(if you're in it for my past and any other whack drama then gets to steppin) my writer is one such person : )

so with great eyebrows and a kool-aid face i pranced around the streets of pasadena shopping with some of my christmas mullah and found some beautiful stuff that makes me happy and gave some clothes away to goodwill...feeding the soul in a plethora of ways

the best part though was meeting up with my b--such a breath of fresh air. we grabbed some good chocolate and headed off to melrose for a date we've had planned for a week. we shopped and found some cute stuff at some boutiques for cheap cheap cheap and then went to a coffee shop and talked (real talk!) for 3 hours while sipping chai teas. do you know how blessed i am to have my two best friends? i have girls that i can talk to about anything! we talk about family dynamics, men, girl friend relationships, religion...EVERYTHING and it's so great to talk about something personal with someone-expose it all and have them come back with a nodd of understandment and support. people were coming into the coffee shop and just smiling at us and i swear it's because we had some great energy going...we got that something my gram would say.

after our coffee we came back to her home where her entire fam was (including big momma). we played board games and it was hilarious and fun and alas b and i's team lost but we had a blast and it was just the perfect period for my saturday sentence.

i can tell i'm about to come up into my own but i really have to work on the bad energies trying to bring me down. just thinking about that freaks me out but i'm ready to be happy 99.9% (realist). i'm about 90% there. ain't that lovely?! i think that's perdy darn good.

so yes, j and ms b i love you ladies so much for being in my life and helping in that 90% (you'll totally both be in my first oscar speech)

alright. sunday's my "me day" so i'm gonna get back to that. peace...(said peacefully)

expecting the best

So last night I got home kind of late and then worked out so by the time I checked my phone and emails it was 7:40 or so. I noticed that j had called to tell me about her experience watching the ever so great "ratatouille" so I happily texted her back to call me.

The girl calls within seconds and asks "what happened" excitedly. I curbed the enthusiasm by explaining I just wanted to figure out how the movie went but thinking about it later, it was cool…She's waiting for that phone call where I tell her something amazing has happened…She's got some hopes for her buddy pal Tishy. It's all I need in my life ; )

(well besides my own hopes)

It's a good lesson for the new year…showing your hope and faith in your friends (really showing—less telling) is the best gift you can give.

and something more...knowing someone is waiting, expecting your best. it's a good question really...who's expecting your best that is. ; )

198 love hits

so i've been in this really weird lazy odd slump lately and i was gettin' sick of my behind but didn't know how to get over it. i started working out again (thanksgiving jacked everything up!) but that was only making me feel worse lol. i'd hit the streets for a run after work and rip the mess out of my easily we fall out of shape.

somehow i knew that today would birth the shift in my mood though

my department heads at my job threw a bowling party today...we worked for a good hour and then all headed over to the bowling place for basically the rest of the day. i was on frickin' fire. the cracked out tishy from childhood came back...i've got video to prove it sadly (thank you mateo for spy-filming me while dancing to "we are family") i was just energetic and having a blast...hanging with my friends and just emitting energy and good stuff for a nice solid 3 hours. i could feel the funk lifting.

i think my bowling karma definitely felt my vibes cuz a sista bowled a 198...the highest i've ever bowled in my life...and i was on a league at one time. things were CHECKIN' OUT!

i needed that shift...bad. i haven't been in a bad mood or anything. i've just kinda been there. not really doing anything...not even really thinking about anything. every time i'd try to figure out what was wrong my brain would scatter--all attempts at focusing down the drain. who knew all a girl needed was a cheesy bowling shirt that everyone in the dept had to wear, some good grub, friends and 4 strikes in a row. (exhaust yourself with positive things and it will force you to sit still and regroup)

after work i decided i needed to focus on some art stuff i've been meaning to handle so i took my perdy little dream board to get laminated and framed and now it's hanging ever so nicely in my bedroom hallway. looks kinda funny there but i worked out after getting arms turned gumby-ish and i'm too weak to hold anything up now. (b please help!)

i'm getting pumped for this weekend. it's officially christmas shopping time. (physical shopping that is) i'm buying a tree and my ornaments, and grabbing some more gifts for my loved ones.

i was listening to the author of _eat pray love_ yesterday discuss cleaning out your mental closet with "no's" in order to make room for oneself. i'm good with my list of tish tasks for's back on the good path again...thank goodness.

still waiting on that big break,

bowling balla

living for me

this weekend was so weird. my play bro was back in town again and was buggin the crap out of me to go clubbing. i've finally figured out i'm kind of passed the social life for the mere fact of being out. i need my outtings to have a purpose, (we're celebrating etc.) and this going out and getting tipsy thing just cuz seems like a band aid for something else. i won't analyze others but at least for me it is so. the club wasn't so bad once we were there because all of these folks i know showed up randomly so i had people to be goofy me with but yeah i'm really not gonna let anyone bully me anymore to go out when i kinda would rather stick pens in my eyeballs : )

yesterday i went to a party with a girlfriend of mine and spent some good time catching up and just finding out where we've both been (physically and emotionally) it's good to check in with your girls ever so often. we were just on a role so we decided to go visit her friend's momma who happens to be a psychic on ventura blvd...(i've never had it done but had always wanted to)

so we head into this "very psychic ms cleo" place and met this beautiful calm woman that i immediately wanted to hug. we share a birthday so maybe it's a pisces thing. she sat there and started talking to me about my life and where i'm at right now and i swear i wanted to fall into her words and never come out. some of it was hard to hear i'll admit. according to my girl rushell she would never take you to a dark space but you have to hear the truth ya know?...she gave me some tools to manage how to deal with those issues that are about to come into my life and it was cool. most of what she said just confirmed what i already knew about myself and where i'm heading which was nice--means i'm finally getting me. that was the most important part. : )

so after some good ole truth we headed back to mi casa and picked up the bro and headed to mexicali, a vunderful mexican restaurant with some good arse tequila. i was actually proud of my bro that night. he's a really smart guy but he blurts out silly useless facts most of the time so you forget that he's got actual interesting ish to say lol...he was having a great conversation with my girl and it was cool to just sit back and listen. good thing cuz i would have probably hurt him otherwise lol...brotherly/sisterly love is a perplexing thing. needless to say i had a good day and night.

today my friends i went to my first ku basketball game since 2004. it rocked...we played usc and we shook that darn galen center!!!

there was quite a bit of blue and hearing the sounds of "rock chalk" rattling that place and drowning out the usc fans was goose bump worthy. i love my alma mater!

now i'm about to sit and watch amelie--a wonderful flick that i recommend to all the romantics out there and do some's sunday. my day. according to my psychic wonder i have to really keep strong--doing what i like to do and wanna do. here goes living for me ; )

(that's hard for pisces by the way!)

mental pen in hand

school teaches us to regurgitate the words thrown at us. we're never taught how to learn-analyze-think... instead we're taught to recite. that lovely little skill follows us thru life--surpassing the confines of classrooms. i can't even count how many times i've spoutted "i'm fine. i'm strong. i'm self-knowing, assured and whole" when i didn't have a clue. i was told what strong looked like; that it was what a woman like me should be so i put on the hat and wore it well...reciting was my speciality.

this was definitely my year of self-discovery. for the first time ever i started learning from the inside out and concepts i'd use from the past actually became truth, felt right...felt good.

i've said it before, i'll say it again--books find me at just the right time. right now i'm supposed to be reading this book called _sweeter the juice_or something along those lines but the library wouldn't let me check it out any longer (conspiracy against slow poke readers i tell ya!) so i decided to pick up one of chele's many suggested readings, _when chickenheads come home to roost_ and i tell you i'm on cloud 9 with all the "yes girl!" moments i'm experiencing. this book has shown me how far i've come in my understandings of my own crazy warped mind.

two journals ago i wrote on the cover, "i will no longer be complicit in my own opression"...i wrote it, i'd recite it to folks, but i never really got it or lived its meaning.

that phrase was in the first chapter of this book...gave me my first aha you truly get it tishy...good girl. she lists acting anecdotes about being true to oneself, conflicting interpretations of femaleness and blackness, seeing the beauty in the things our friends do and truly appreciating and honoring's a full circle kinda moment for me.

by no means am i done learning. every day's a new chapter but i feel like i have a good foundation now whereas i didn't in the past. joan morgan (the writer) even discusses how hard it is to look at oneself honestly and pull out the good the bad and the ugly. this woman had my number.

i just feel like things are coming into focus more. i'm applying everything i learn into acting niblets of truth..i'm learning all over the place...heck, denzel was on oprah the other day and i was sitting there, mental pen in hand. ya gots to. apply what you learn to what you love most...that's my new motto ;)

i have a ku/usc basketball game to attend this weekend along with an acting networking party on saturday so i should get plenty of little joys to make me flitter about. even in my lazy pissy mood that i've held onto this whole darn week i'm feelin' this good buzz underneath. gotta love it. alright. back to the book i go.

waiting on the big break,


walk the line

ahhh! i just got back from picketing at the disney studios. it was so nerve wracking. i was having issues with it all yesterday night...didn't know what to wear, didn't know if people would hate me for going up there since i'm not a writer...ahhh! nightmares. my mind would start to wonder off and i'd then i'd be pissed at myself for not focusing on what's most important. i got up this morning, checked my email, stalled for as long as i could and then hopped in the shower to get ready. i was so nervous i thought i'd puke.

when i finally set off i had THE hardest time finding my picketing site my girl told me to go to. i had a tiny bowl of cereal cuz i felt so sick that morning and it killed me. lol. i walked that ish off in 1 1/2 hours...pure speed walking to find my picketing location.

i started crying at one point because i thought i'd blown it...i wouldn't find the spot, i took off of work for nothing, angela would think i was a complete flake and not serious about my acting...things were racing thru my mind, the tall buildings around me were swirling around...and then i saw signs near where i was supposed to be and a mixed girl with caramel bouncy curls and i found home : )

all my nerves disappeared and it was just lovely. angela's great ya'll...we've emailed for over two years now but never really hung in person so i was really appreciative that she took me under her wing and made me feel like one of the gang. there was a writer doing a sketch for something and so on arrival i was immediately thrown into an acting scene. lol. i can't remember the site it'll post on but when i get it i'll let you know : ) the guy i acted with just happened to be the guy who wrote the episode of "all of us" that i was on small of a world is that mess?! i was telling him about the scene and we all started crackin' up.

i met some really cool writers (they're not what you think they'd look like--lanky pasty white boys with comb-overs) that had me crackin up for the 2 hours i was there...(if you're gonna strike you might as well strike with the funniest in the business--literally). writers from scrubs, all of us, girlfriends and lost were out on our block. i held my sign with pride and marched up and down the street. : ) good cause man!

it felt really good being out there. angela and a couple of the other writers said they were going to get together and form a pact that i would be on one of their shopped-for pilots. now that's the kinda love i'm talking about!!!

it's good to find people out there that want to see you do good, wanna make ya laugh and just wanna help period.

charlie brown, today was a very good day.

pull us to

do you ever have the kinda days where you can't help but love and cherish everything around you? i don't necessarily think it's a manic high because i woke up this morning feeling whatever but i ate some good breakfast (thank goodness for smart start and fresh blueberries), picked out an outfit i feel comfortable in (thank goodness for pinks that aren't too pink that make me look like i'm blushing and my favorite jeans with a hole in the knee) and hopped in my car to meet my girl bree for a morning movie (thank goodness for christmas music, matinee flicks and other chicks who appreciate the flicks as much as i do)

we ended up seeing "august rush" and when i tell you that i've never been more moved. i've never encountered this story...this theory on human connection and it was absolutely one big emotional captivating masterpiece. i called my momma as i walked out of the theater to tell her it was my holiday gift to recommend that darn movie lol...that good. (thank goodness for some amazing writer out there who was given the opportunity to work with some of the best actors and musical composers out there) it's going on 2 hours later and i'm still sitting quietly on my couch thinking.

i walked into the theater this morning feeling totally bummed. you see movies are where i recharge...where my faith in my dreams are restored but for some reason i didn't think i'd be able to fill back up today...i saw preview after preview (you know they match previews with what they believe will be a similar quality twin flick) that had me tearing up. faith restored in a matter of 20 minutes. the first thought after seeing the first good preview "i don't care that there aren't that many women of color out there making great films they love and believe in--why not me. why can't i do whatever it is i feel in my heart i'm supposed to? why not?" and i just let go of all the fear and all the uncertainty of this whole industry and just enjoyed the magic of a good movie and the magic of whatever it is inside me that won't let me forget that i'm supposed to act, i'm meant to act. whether we like it or not the things we love--the things we're great at that remind folks just how close we are to the big guy upstairs--pull us to.

(thank goodness for the pull)

when i'm reminded...recharged, whatever it is you want to call it, things just feel right...i look in the mirror and my insecurities melt--i see me and i see something great. this year i'm thankful for everything, the heart ache, the shadows, the loneliness, the pain, all of helped me to go in my head and look at everything, examine it and really get to know what makes me tick--what makes me me. it's lovely when you truly find yourself. i'm thankful for that gift and the fact that i can appreciate the journey it took. you always hear those quotes about the journey not the destination. i know that one day i'm gonna make it. i know it like i knew the ending to that movie today, and like that movie i'll still squirm in the middle of the story, waiting for the good ending--lose my breath in the first hour, stressed and feel stuff that freaks me out--but i'll have that certainty of knowing that the thing that makes me great will pull me towards it...i'm thankful...i'm thankful...i'm thankful.

happy turkey day

i love a day that sets the precedence for giving thanks to those you love.

--love the ones you're with.

--take time to mentally list all the things you're thankful for...makes you feel loved in return

--grub lots

--watch the thanksgiving's just the best thang in the world and if you don't have many traditions you can start an easy one

--get up and run : )

all things i've done today...figured it couldn't hurt to pass on the goodness. i love all my friends and family that read this darn thing. thanks for being so great and supportive. it means the world to me...literally!

martha stewart watch out!

so yeah thanksgiving is kind of a "big kid holiday" for me...i feel pressured always to grow up and actually contribute to the grubbin festivities. in the past i've done a pretty craptastic job i must say (hee hee) i mean there's my usual goodies that i love or what not but last year i made this hideous mexican dish that was DISGUSTING lol...and my ex and his whole fam ate that ish...sigh i was mortified. who knew california peeps don't carry rotel at their grocery bad!

anyways this year is my practice run. some day i'm gonna have a frickin' fam so i need to start pullin out the martha with some steps. this year i'm making some lovely pumpkin bread with fresh ground cinnamon (my favorite). i'm gonna put this cream cheese/cool whip frosting on it...just like my mo's gonna be off the chain. i can smell that ish now!

so yes life is swell. i plan to wake up bright and early, run a mile to prepare the body for the gorge fest and then head over to my lovely b's home so we can play, cook and just hang...cuz that's what fam is for! i bought her, the kid and me tickets to see "enchanted" at the el capitan. tomorrow's gonna be a blast yo!

and this weekend....mwahaha...we got some jayhawk football to watch (thank you b for agreeing to enter jayhawk land in hollywood), good movies (august rush! woo wooo!) and slumber party goodness all around. i needed this warmth and good stuff cuz this week was a hard one.

on a funny note, i just got an audition notice from my agent that asks for astrology lovers who frequent star am i missin' something?!!!

oscar died

11.20.2007 beautiful oscar went kapoot...killed over, choked, checked out, peace.

everything happens for a reason though. i've definitely let go of my bad relationship past (this actually happened a while back but hey, it's never too late for a nice pat on the back). sadly, voldemort was the one who gave me oscar. of those lovely consolation prizes...and even though i loved that thing it was still tainted with evil poison (lol) so it died and i cried BUT the guy at the ipod store was totally flirting with my behind and came out of the back room with a brand new 80 gigger for me. introducing oscar jr aka O.J. : ) KAPOW!

(gun & gloves not included)

this guy was a funny man too ya'll. he pulls up my info, raises his eyebrow and asks me if i'm "voldemort"...obviously i'm not so i tell him it was a christmas gift...a very late christmas gift by the way--which means the darn thing should still be under warranty. he immediately turns into don juan and states that he must be a pretty great boyfriend to buy such a gift...(yes he really went there). i reply that he APPEARED to be when he WAS my boyfriend which really gets him going...he asks where i'm from and how long i've been single...tells me where he's from (mauqa) and then proceeds to tell me about his ex. nice...(note to all the menz out there--don't tell a girl all your drama when you first meet her...keep that for month 3)

ole boy was cute and flattering and i did walk away with o.j. but the most important part of this whole crazy story is the last tie to voldemort has been severed. just hearing his name in that store made my butt twitch. oh yeah baby! ipod boy even made sure to put my new ipod in my own name. ahhhh ain't ipod liberation a beautiful thang?!

woo hoooo! so if i've taken your music at some point in our friendship i'm gonna need to repeat that act buddies. o.j.'s hungry!!!

luv & kiwi!

in the stars

so this was my lovely horoscope today...

You prefer being motivated by the potential of realizing fantasies and making dreams come true. Now, however, you may be over-analyzing everything so you don't get swept up in an illusion. Logic can help you stay grounded, but it won't give you your final answer. For that, you'll need to trust your intuition over the facts.

pretty darn important considering i've just about lost all faith in myself and the reasons i'm out here. just when i feel like it's over something brings back a little bit of my backbone. i'm on auto pilot right now. i've decided to take a day off of work and go to the picket line. the writer friend has suggested i go...i'm scared and not so good at networking but it's worth dream's getting harder and harder, farther and farther. i have to work to make it reality.

tracking time

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,

measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In

inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you

measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of


525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure

the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or

the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out, tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember

the love! Remember the love! Remember

the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

Today I arrived at work and was joking with an associate about our weekends when another colleague came up and told us that a good friend of ours had gone home on Friday to find that her husband had passed away at some point in the day. he was sitting peacefully on the couch when she got home from work and she just thought he was sleeping but when she walked over to him and looked at his face she knew he was gone.

It was the hardest thing to hear. My heart broke and I almost slapped the woman who told me—I just couldn't get it thru my head that she was telling me the truth. I kept thinking it was horrible wasn't true

When I say this man was this woman's everything... they fell in love in high school and had been together for 20 plus years...she would come bursting into work happy and joyful (I don't use those words lightly--she really would) and just radiate…tell stories about how wonderful and sweet he was...

it's a scary thought--the idea of losing one's soul mate. what do they do if that person is taken away? makes love a beautiful and scary thing all at once.

Love is so important. I lost a parent when I was young and so this type of thing is constantly going thru my head, "tell the ones you love that you do all the time because you never know when it could be the last time" it's just necessary. keep your life real and honest…it's so short. I know my friend will be sad for a very long time…understatement I realize…but she'll always have the memory of a great love…no regrets—just good memories. She could honestly measure her marriage years with love…in my opinion it's the only way to track time.

a series of unfortunate events

unfortunately bad days are inevitable...lucky for me though i'm shedding that day's skin and starting fresh. as soon as i blog about it i think i can let it go properly.

the weekend started out cool as heck. my girl b and i decided we needed some much needed date time so after work we met up at a mall (b's favorite place in the whole world--i think she'd skip thru it if she could). we ate some good food, discussed our past week, discussed picking up my play brother from the airport in a couple of hours (you know the fun stuff) and just enjoyed each other's company.

she helped me memorize some lines for an acting workshop on saturday, went with me to pick up the boy and accompanied us to dinner at mexicali where we promptly ordered more yummy food and some great tequila. it was swell but we stayed up (the three of us) way too late talking into the wee hours of the morning and then woke up at 7:30 to go hiking/running and it plum tuckered me out. i knew it was a bad idea to stay up late--being that i had lines to cement and such but your play bro only comes once in a blue moon so the devil on my shoulder drop kicked my angel and you get the rest.

i was so tired going into that acting workshop. i got there early and sat beside these two other actresses that were comparing notes (both recent la transplants, etc.) i tried to join in the conversation but they were really snooty and competitive...sitting on the 'casting couch' is never my cup of tea. EVERYONE has a SAG card, EVERYONE's been in la only for a short time but has already gotten tons of work, they have fabulous resumes (one chick was bragging about her silly training at some prestigious acting school and how acting classes were trivial--i wanted to beat her upside her head and remind her of all the craptastic folks that currently have roles on national tv--without an impressive one gives a hoopty which dumb school you went to!) then she proceeded to burp....many burps. it was the weirdest FUNKIEST ish ya'll...they weren't even cute little burps, they were the nasty funky meaty kind and she just kept saying "oh excuse me" like that was supposed to help any...burp girl was trying her hardest to wreck my flow and she did a damn good job of it.

after a bit the casting director in charge of the workshop sat down and began to talk to us about acting and then answered our questions...i sat there peacefully and calmly taking notes on what she said up until the point where she mentioned you can't get national tv work if you're not SAG period...a detail that my fabulous agent said didn't matter. i sat in my little chair under the stage lights and almost whole world almost came crashing down at that point. all i could think about was that show i'm always talking about--the one my writer friend has promised me an audition for. how am i supposed to audition for a part that i want more than life itself if i'm not gonna even be able to get passed the first door?!

i was too tired to even think. i got into my one on one with the casting chick and fudged up so bad. she let me do it again but my head wasn't there...i forgot ALL my lines...all of them and they were so good...they were HILARIOUS and i owned those damn lines...only to forget them and then receive a comment from the c.d. saying, "you need to stay in the moment, i didn't feel like you really knew the scene"...sigh. that's an actor's worst nightmare...basically means you can't act in a really nice way. i left the place with my head down and i never really recovered. for the first time ever i felt the sheer uncertainty of the life i chose. i had to put on a happy face for my friends but i did a crummy job of it. (acting abilities and confidence out the door)

i cried a little. my heart broke a little and i felt so friends all have paths they chose and have executed quite well. i just felt like my "tish" (the bravery, esteem, confidence and strenth)--was slippin off its axis. i woke up this morning desperately seeking out things that make me feel happy and good...i watched some oprah's i had recorded, read some and just did me and when i started to come back i began to list the things i could do to get back on track.

my writer friend, who is on the picket lines, has asked me to come and join her and i just might do that next monday...see if i can get some time off from work. i need to be around the peoples i want to be my peoples. i decided i'll write my agent too and find out the necessary steps i need to get into SAG. i'm writing them down and big bold print and posting them at my desk so that i can see that stuff every day and get it...

people say i'm not doing enough out here but i don't know what to do so i just wonder about the streets of la wondering when my break will magically appear.

this weekend sucked but it was a good, no great, wake up call. i have no idea what i'm doing out here. i have no idea if my big leap of faith will pay off and that scares the crap out of me. i just keep thinking over and over "this has got to work out for me. it just has to!"

a series of unfortunate events...the acting stuff, stressful la traffic this weekend, oscar-my ipod-died on me yesterday... these things in the past would have sent me straight to my room crying but now i'm learning...getting pushed down just teaches me a new and interesting way to get back up--i'm the queen of getting back up!

my play brother asked me if this is what i really wanted...if i should just give up and i told him what i tell up isn't an option to me...and i'm not saying that in a cliche kinda way. it literally is not an option. something deep down tells me this is what i'm supposed to do...nothing else for now tish--this is it and it's strong enough to force me to listen and do.

so forewarning...i'll listen to just about anything you've got to say, but i won't & can't listen to jibber jabber about giving up. that's like saying stop' s not an option.

i need a fairy godmother...that's the only option i'm open to at this point.

practice for the perfect

Have you ever been writing a paper, 10 something pages in…doing great….and then all of a sudden your computer goes kerplunk?…you've forgotten to save and have now lost everything? You get angry then freaked out that you'll never get it back thinking it'll never be as good. used to happen to me all the darn time back in college.

when you begin to write again though, this miraculous thing happens: you have more familiarity…usually write with more ease because you've been there before…maybe a tad hostile but your writing tends to come out better. I need to apply this life lesson to my thanksgiving week.

So I had plans and they went kerplunk HARD so now i'm starting over again…and the plans are gonna be better than before. I've decided that my non-cooking self is gonna do something big kiddish and actually stick my behind in the kitchen and make something I would never attempt to do in front of anyone else. Practice for the perfect if you will. I'm going to create something great…something my shero, the barefoot contessa, would do : ) oh yes people…

It's taken me YEARS to learn that it's always better the second time my case the third, fourth, fifth... I used to get so down on myself for lost (fill in the blanks). What I've learned: Take a moment for a necessary temper tantrum and then move the heck on…your better more perfect is waiting to begin.

looking for one's greatness

by now most of you have seen the you tube video about paul potts, the english bloke/cell phone salesman who awed simon from american idol and had an audience of thousands in tears...during his cam time before he sang he told the cameras that he always had self doubt but something greater than him knew he was supposed to go after the one thing he knew in his heart he was great at. i watched the guy sing and i started tearing the heck could see the life rush into him...rare moment.

it's rare that you get to see someone exhibiting their greatness and loving the moment their in...actually thankful in the process. so many people take their greatness for granted. start taking it for granted or forgetting it's a gift...

it was lovely watching paul potts sing. i love that i keep getting these bursts of energy to keep going--i find inspiration all the time. i thank God for those moments : )

on beauty

I've mentioned before that I love my neighborhood. Finding beauty in the valley is hard lol…I spent months trying to find a neighborhood that didn't involve me twitching and I definitely hit the jackpot when I found the little place I reside in now. I run thru the neighborhood from time to time and I can't help but smile. I want it all…big city living with a small town neighborhood.

This morning as I was pulling out of the garage I saw a man in the condos across from me painting on his patio and once again I wanted to toot my own lucky horn for finding this place.

Ladies there ain't nuthin' more sexy than a man painting at 7 in the morning either! mmm mmm MMM!

that word

Brace yourselves. I'm about to vent like a mutha b.

before I moved to California I can remember a girl on a film set telling me all the great things about her state…how there was eternal sunshine, the ultimate acting opportunities, blah blah blah and most importantly how tolerant the state was…she bragged and bragged about how open and diverse people were and how it was so horrible in the Midwest…being that I went to a high school that could boast having 4 black kids in the whole school I thought this was uber up my alley and I skipped along to la, ready for my land of minority plenty.

I was given a hard reality check when I arrived. Yes, there is a bountiful amount of different people walking the streets but alas there are a fair amount of individuals here that believe because they happen to have a friend of a certain ethnicity or race it's acceptable for them to use slurs and racial epitaphs including my personal favorite, the n word. I grew up in liberty, Missouri: Land of cute suburban chicks. Some would refer to me as sheltered, a goody goody and whatever else that means a sista ain't gully (look that up in urban dictionary it's great!) but God help me… watch fire come out of my nose if you use that word around me. Let the twitching begin!

What kinda backwards crap is this mess?! If I heard one more person say, "I knew a black person back in the day so I can use the word" I will snap. This does not entitle you to that word and definitely don't think that just because I speak a certain way and am racially ambiguous that some how I'm going to be sympathetic to you using that word around me like I'm not black'll get a verbal warning and then I don't know what craziness will come out after that.

An ex-friend and I used to battle over this crap…it's just a word blah blah blah. No it's not—and if you feel it's all semantics then come up with your own new word to express camaraderie with your peeps, homies and whoever else.

Valley kids beware…I dare you to take that philosophy to other states and neighborhoods with the excuse that you knew so and so back when…

try picking up a book and reading about the history of the word. ignorant butts…

I drop the mic.

san diego weekend

ah what a great weekend. my loner road trips are swell. this one was no different.

my wedding date from kc just so happened to be walking in a 3 day walk for breast cancer in san diego this weekend so i agreed to meet her and one of my other gal pals. turns out coordinating a point where they'd walk by was a little difficult so i decided to leave a little later and grab'em for dinner. that meant the morning was mine.

i woke up early and hiked, cleaned up my place, watched some oprah, took my time packing some good snacks and then headed off. i had tunes and enough cheese stick peel thingies to keep me quite happy during the nasty traffic puttering along on the 5 freeway so the drive was great. gave me time to think and sing loudly and obnoxiously in the car.

i made it in 4 hours lol (i got a little lost trying to find the park where my gals were staying) and then we were off to locate a kansas city bbq spot that kim had found on our alumni web site. turns out there were tons of jayhawks there but no jayhawk football game (which was the frickin point of going there) so we skipped the bbq (sniff) and set out to hunt for an establishment with satellite tv. ended up at some seafood restaurant that folks promised would have the game...we came charging in with our cute little tees on and our puppy dog pleas but alas we never saw the game...

instead we got some grub and text scoring updates...i'm kinda used to the west coast hating on the big xii so i got over it quick. :)

after i dropped the girls back off at their camp site i headed to my girl akiba's for a slumber party. (you guys know i'm a sucker for one!) we watched the color purple--there are still people in this world who have never seen that movie gosh darn it! laughed with the girls, met some cool people, a new friend, age 2, who stole my heart and basically had a blast. grammama stayed up until 3 in the frickin morning...that's unheard of. seriously.

then today was frickin cool as heck. ms thing took me to her frickin place of employment which happens to be where olympians train and my mouth hit the ground. it was almost like i was back at stanford. (i freak a little when in the presence of greatness) kinda hit home that my buddy is this amazing athlete chick...a tiny bit surreal to look around and see pics and memorabilia from great moments in olympic history but you know lol. i warned her that our lunch in her cafeteria would wind up in the good ole blog. i was expecting super food by the way (it was normal stuff) but i will admit that after eating some beets in my salad i felt like i could run the mile in 2.5 minutes...just saying.


after lunch we watched american gangster, which was a really good film. it's crazy that one can sympathize with a murderer/drug dealer but ya do...i caught myself being proud of the brutha for accomplishing so much and then remembering the means to his ends lol...sigh. love the heroes hollywood gives us or tells us about rather since it's a true story.

anyways after the flick i sucked it up, admitted i had to get back to the real world and headed home. great drive back-- talked to my j for an hour or so about our weekends and the drive was done like that.

it was great weekend and now that my slumber party bug has returned i'm about to go nuts with planning the next one. : )


ooh i just wanna lay in her hair

there are moments where i remember that at one time i was a "we" and i try to remember all the healthy memories i enjoyed about being a "we" and one of the better ones was my hair. weird?

i work out after work, then shower so every night i go to sleep with soft sheep like big curls all around my face and i remember an ex that used to love to sleep in my hair...reminds me of an interlude by andre 3000 (i just wanna lay in her hair) best friend and i giggle every time we hear it. so yeah right now i am giggling about a boy laying in my hair...takes some of my peachiness away...

let me today was my "i get to be as bad as i wanna be" day. listen it may sound horrible but some days ya just have bad days and everything annoys the ish out of you so the real annoying people REALLY annoy you so my j told me i could be bad and she said she'd be bad too and it felt good learning i could be bad : )

i was a real peach and i'm so loving it..hee hee...tomorrow i can be good but i recommend being a peach for just one day...maybe try to be as alone as you possibly can so your friends still wanna be your friends the next day (may have burned some work relationship bridges today--hee hee) i told you i'm a peach today!!!

alright. i'm going to go to sleep in my hair now : )

color me bewitched


sigh...i'm a sucker for this movie...a sucker for mr. darcy. i gotta love jones!

i don't know if it's the movie, my best friend's recap of her honeymoon or the vanilla & lavendar candles burning in my darn bedroom but i'm obsessed with love quirks today. i read my gal pal vikk's blog and there was this lovely picture of her and her husband...someone took a secret pic...caught them in a really sweet and sincere moment and it made my heart swell...

i have a guy friend who is the worst kind of cynic on love you can imagine. his thoughts and theories have me shaking my head and rolling my eyes on the regular...i just want to shove all the love i witness into him to shut him up. seeing i guess is believing and fortunately for me i see luuuuuv where ever i go : )

the little twerp is coming to visit for thanksgiving weekend. i figure i have a good amount of time to build up my amo for this one. lol...are all men this darn cynical? the socio-emotional differences between the sexes is ridiculous. lol...ridiculous i say!

let's do coffee

lets do coffee, your people and my people...

i just had my first official la meet and greet and it was really cool! i arrived first cuz i'm nervous like that and got my lovely little chai tea and waited for the business manager. we discussed what they're working on--he asked why i came to la...what i want to get out of the city--all that good stuff and then was flabbergasted by my intentions to work with him and 'the director'. i just want to be in the mix. learn how it all works...ALL of it and if that means stapling papers and making phone calls so 'the director' can get his work out there so be it.

it was really cool. we'll see where this goes. it all makes me feel so much more alive. just give me ten minutes and let me tell you why i'm here and what i'm gonna'll see lights shoot out of my eyes!

homage to the art of acting


i signed up for my first acting workshop since early 2006. it felt good ya'll!!! i'm gonna get my wonderful little script to memorize. i'll feel the butterflies again. i'll stand in front of an expert and let them help and i'll get betta and betta. i love it! this is what a raise is for...

in the spirit of paying homage to great acting i went and saw a movie i've been dying to see for weeks now: things we lost in the fire. there are seriously limited amounts of vocabulary that can describe how beautiful and real that movie was. i was hesitant to see it because of the reviews but i'm so glad my stubborn behind didn't listen. for the first time EVER i fell in love with halle berry the actress. she was hauntingly beautiful...she was both simple and complex...just like this dang story and it was so special i couldn't cry...i couldn't miss it. you could tell this director loved this story and made sure to show it. i recommend everyone see it. just see it. ugh...and then come and talk to me about it! my boy d went along and thanked me for volunteering him for the role of movie bud so fellas you can see it too and be moved. there was all this spanish music playing in the background and it's sticking with me...i can hear it in my heart..sigh. see the movie. appreciate great directing, writing (hopefully the strike ends quickly) and most importantly for me inspirational acting.

this is my juvenile diabetes walk weekend plus i'm meeting with that director and his business manager tomorrow. things are definitely shakin' up in a good way.

i felt my purpose...don’t take that in a naughty way

i just got out of a pretty darn awesome meeting. i just got a raise and promotion so we were discussing in this meeting when to tell the staff among other things and my director said, "you do realize this means you are obligated to stay with us for another year". i agreed and then added, "unless halle or a soap calls and then i gots to go" and i was completely serious. it felt oh so good to say that out my director of all people. it felt real... confidence felt good. "really goood" (nacho libre)

(flashback) i remember sitting at a bus stop outside of one of my college classes reading _white teeth_ and telling a boy i had just met (soon to become one of my best buds) in a confidant manner that i was going to be an actress. he told me years later that he never forgot "that tish"...a girl who knew her future and one that he believed possible.

good to know i'm still in there!

i walked out of my office building and just felt this wonderful breeze of peace and calm... i just felt like it's going to happen soon--that my life will have the purpose i have lived and worked hard for--like the trees swaying i will do what i am supposed to do too.

i've made some terrible mistakes, followed along paths that lead to not so great things but it all prepared me to be something...i'm gonna be somethin' ya'll!!!


oh how tragic...a girl who loves


you are now reading about a gal with a netflix account and countless movies in her queue to keep her nice and full.

oh yeah

greatness in one's corner

you know i've grown more this year than any other point in my adult life. i feel like my time as a single and independent one has allowed me to be calm, more peaceful and clear. clear to see the crap that i used to buckle to. ladies, if you speak to a man and you hear complaints, judgments and criticisms let him go. he may be a good man but he's not the best man for you. i can see this clearly, i can react calmly and feel peaceful about my decisions.

i want to find that someone but i'm not really into the settling thing. people have been telling me ever since i moved to los angeles that my acting would come first...that i needed to focus and i agree. i just mailed a headshot to a soap star...a big soap star. i was given the go and the address. i emailed it and then went back to my computer to look up the man. my jaw almost hit the floor. he will personally take that darn picture of me and give it to 'his people'...i could possibly (no will) be in the background of a major soap. the people in charge will love me and give me a perm place and there i will be. my first official acting gig...

now i know...i'm gonna make it, with or without a guy by my side, but definitely with some great arse friends! and just for the record my fat (guy best friend) just called to discuss how i'm about to do the darn thing. man it's nice to have greatness in your corner!

what we have here is a failure to communicate

Oh how lovely it 'tis to witness the art of communication failure.

I ain't gotta lie to kick it…I'm obsessed with watching the bachelor. The women annoy me and the men aren't usually that bright…or attractive actually but there's just something about watching people present their supposed best self to try to impress someone they barely know that gets my reality tv antennae blaring!

I watched the funniest ish last night on one of my recorded episodes. Boy tells tv he's scared to sit down and talk with girl because he says one thing and girl hears something completely different. So boy sits with girl and says he's confused because he doesn't feel the same about her as he does about all the other girls and sees them having more of a friendship. Girl promptly and gleefully starts rambling on about how she feels the same way and can see babies and marriage in their future…wha?! Huh? what the heck did she just hear? Funny how you hear what you want to hear, see what you want to see.

This girl didn't receive a rose at the end of the night and was flabbergasted ya'll…out of her mind bawling like a big ole baby…all based off of a fabrication she told herself that really had nothing to do with any real connection she had with boy. Sigh…

Note to self and others: try to really live in the present and listen listen listen. God gave us two ears and only one mouth for a reason yo!

the day after

the first day back at work after a long week of wonderful is a hard hard day.

i found myself feeling weird...for the past week i've been eating breathing and sleeping the idea of family...of home...of love and honestly i'm a little fuzzy on the details...things start to blur for me.

some definitions are expanding while others keep shrinking and thru it all i just wonder if i'll ever truly know what each of those words above really mean. why's it so hard dang it?

when i was in kc i found out that i may have an "in" with a soap opera. i'm bringing in a head shot tomorrow. i'm back on track to meet with that director i mentioned before and his business manager. i'm helping him shop a film he's just completed. these are the building blocks to keeping sanity.

it's funny but at the wedding someone casually asked me about acting stuff but then got hard core energetic when inquiring about my own wedding...when my turn would come. lol...the importance of different dreams varies from person to person obviously.

what's really important? does one thing HAVE to lead to others? is happiness a one step process? "do step 1, attaching dream a to dream b and then you can move on to step product--a life fulfilled"...

i'll see now won't i. : )

what a wonderful world

cheers to milestone moments, best friends and weddings that seriously renew faith in the possibilities of a great friendship/love!

i just had one of the most fantastic and special weeks of my life. my tear ducts have never produced that much water. i feel like everything built up to that moment.

every memory, every moment of my friendship with my amazing friend prepared me to experience her wedding with a complete an open heart. i was so happy for her. there are countless pictures people took where i'm tearing up and emotional because she was just so happy and beautiful and the was all so perfect. i've NEVER witnessed something so surreal. every guest kept exclaming how great the wedding was..the best they had ever been to. it felt like the whole thing was a dream.

this morning i woke up at 1:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. everything was flashing thru my head. meeting her for the first time, our childhood talks and dreams, her world's circle completing itself. she walked into her reception room announced as a mrs and i had to let the little kid in her go and embrace the new. she played "count on me" performed by whitney houston and cece winans and the night was complete. we danced our little hearts out and laughed even harder.

i'm having a hard time verbalizing everything that happened over the weekend...when words don't exist in the english language i revert to tears, hand signals and grunts...not savvy for blogging i'm afraid.

i hardly slept, ate or drank all week and weekend. the nerves were wrapped up in a cute little orange bow. i'm sitting here back in la and i'm just trying to catch up my brain.

i'm wondering why bliss has to accompany brain malfunctions. i swear i was living in the moment...trying to hold on to every detail, every word...and i'm still left wondering how it went by so fast.

i have processed one thing correctly though...i am a lucky woman. a very lucky one.

[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : 3-13

Posted Date: : Oct 22, 2007 10:08 PM

crazy story to share.

so my gram sends me emails every morning--pep talks if you will. they make me giggle and remind me that i have a cute thang back home that i love dearly...even if most emails consist of a weather report and who's asleep in the house (i just think it's an older gram kinda thing to do) i still love to get them. they're always entertaining and every once in a blue moon she reveals a nugget about her youth that floors me and has me laughing hysterically. her email the other day was a little freaky though...

so she writes me and tells me that she randomly woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, looked down at her clock and noticed it was 3:13 (my birthday numbers) so she wrote me this long email spouting bits of luck here and there saying something was about to happen for me. i'm of course a cynic when it comes to such things so i giggled and started watching the morning news. there was a story about rising gas prices. they zoomed in on the price and it read $ that point i got goose bumps but still shrugged it off. later at work i looked down at my ipod and it was on the third song of 13 tracks... the song was called "wonderful world"

lol finally gram had my attention

i'm not good with numbers and what it all means so i went to the only thing that i could find 3 & 13 in..the bible and it came to a passage that read: Corinthians 3:13. -->v--> Every man's work shall be manifest. For the day of the Lord shall declare it, because it shall be revealed in fire. And the fire shall try every man's work, of what sort it is.

my mom thinks that that day last week was the first day of the rest of my life. i have NO clue but i figure some day i'll know...your thoughts?

-->VRSEa_1co_3:13--> -->VRSEn_1co_3:13-->


crazy story to share.

so my gram sends me emails every morning--pep talks if you will. they make me giggle and remind me that i have a cute thang back home that i love dearly...even if most emails consist of a weather report and who's asleep in the house (i just think it's an older gram kinda thing to do) i still love to get them. they're always entertaining and every once in a blue moon she reveals a nugget about her youth that floors me and has me laughing hysterically. her email the other day was a little freaky though...

so she writes me and tells me that she randomly woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, looked down at her clock and noticed it was 3:13 (my birthday numbers) so she wrote me this long email spouting bits of luck here and there saying something was about to happen for me. i'm of course a cynic when it comes to such things so i giggled and started watching the morning news. there was a story about rising gas prices. they zoomed in on the price and it read $ that point i got goose bumps but still shrugged it off. later at work i looked down at my ipod and it was on the third song of 13 tracks... the song was called "wonderful world"

lol finally gram had my attention

i'm not good with numbers and what it all means so i went to the only thing that i could find 3 & 13 in..the bible and it came to a passage that read: Corinthians 3:13. -->v--> Every man's work shall be manifest. For the day of the Lord shall declare it, because it shall be revealed in fire. And the fire shall try every man's work, of what sort it is.

my mom thinks that that day last week was the first day of the rest of my life. i have NO clue but i figure some day i'll know...your thoughts?

-->VRSEa_1co_3:13--> -->VRSEn_1co_3:13-->

the fires

i'm fine every body. the fires are pretty bad but i'm out of harm's way for the time being. i leave for kansas city this wednesday which is helping my parents' nervous systems function normally. i'll let you know if anything changes. i can see the smoke and flames and smell things burning but it's all coming from far away. southern california is changing before our eyes...

magical realism

my favorite professor in college used to speak of magical realism in the writings she loved. i was always fond of a genre that would combine fantastic or dreamlike elements with realism. in my opinion a little bit of magic was what a gal needs in her life.

as a kid i was obsessed with the idea of magic. on st patty's day i'd run outside early morning and stay until early night searching for leprechauns poking sneakly out of trees. at christmas time i'd stay up waiting for the jolly one and after reading the lion, the with and the wardrobe i sat in a closet in our downstairs coat room for two whole hours waiting for my wall to open up. the day i found out that none of those things would happen was a sad sad day. i was desperate to witness some magic...maybe i still am.

i'm sitting here watching prancer, one of my mother's favorite doesn't matter that it's a christmas movie, the lady can watch this all year round. it's the story of this little girl that believes in magic and christmas and in doing so helps a reindeer get home and a town believe in christmas again. really cute and's a classic in the keller household. it's on hbo all the time. check it out.

today for some reason the little girl that waits for leprechauns is in full swing. i'm in the mood for some reality mixed with dreamlike elements. and i think i'll get my wish. maybe growing up doesn't have to mean we become cynical and out of touch with magic...maybe we just expand our definition to see more than just the kinds that require stardust and fairies.

this week ahead is going to be so great. hopefully i'll get to write but if not you'll hear how hanging with one of my buddies watching heroes and eating sushi causes ms tishy to float on air, how chilling with my girl gale and ms b on tuesday night to eat great food and see a must see flick (why did i get married) expanded my smile to look like that of the cheshire cat and most importantly how flying to see my best friend marry her fiance, every bit the soul mate cupid chose for her, caused my heart to grow three sizes too big, then burst with tears and come back together more whole than ever before.

i love me some magic.

"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper"

tish in a nutshell

for some reason my thoughts are all over the place today therefore i've written a hodgepodge of blogs and lumped them together. just call me of conscious can be cool.

Living truths

I have this poster board hanging in the hallway of my bedroom that displays all the representations of dreams and goals I want in my life, along with current personality quirks I possess and so forth.

Sometimes when I get ready in the morning I take a minute to go over as much as I can on it and just soak it all in. there's one section though that always requires a couple of extra seconds. For reasons I did not know at the time I put up a saying asking, "Can I be honest". I've always been a pretty honest up front kinda gal but even the most open individuals have their omissions. This ain't new jibber jabber. We all know this but why must we do it?

In acting classes across the nation you'll sooner or later hear a coach ask you why you've committed to such and such. You can't just say anything or do anything without a hidden intention…Being a great actor is all about having great instinct and really coming to terms with the intentions you're bringing to the table. Why can't this apply to real life? I know people that are in relationships that don't work but put on a happy smiles and tell the world at large things are great, people that lie about their age, their hair color, their hair length, their infidelity, their bad gas …and for what?! Why do we lie and say it's all gravy?!...Who do we have to impress other than ourselves? Life is so short and we all deserve happiness...In my opinion ignorance ain't no kinda bliss...and why claim unneeded drama?!

Koko the virtual trainer

J gets to travel every so often for her job and it's swell. She always comes back with some great stories and some interesting new fitness industry toys but this last trek to Chicago took the cake. She came across a cool new gizmo called koko—a virtual trainer. The darn thing tells you when to rest, when to start up again, how you should be training, what you should be doing…life don't get much better than that peeps.

I just wish I could get a koko for all other areas of life. Kokos would sell like hot cakes! Imagine if you will a koko for sad times. Ok bella you're allowed to cry for 2.5 hours and then you must stop. You may cry hysterically. Big tears and heaving are allowed but after that 2.5 hour mark you must move on to writing in your journal and grooming your dog.

Or if you will, try out koko the worker bee. Koko calculates your interests, strong points, weak points and then proceeds to give you instructions on where to work, how long to work, etc. etc.

Koko the nutritionist. "If you take one more bite of that your stomach will begin to warp into a bubble gut wielding machine. Put down the dairy product now"

A wedding to remember

Sigh…6 days until I make the trek back to kc for my best friend's wedding. I can't believe that it's almost here. Just yesterday I was sitting on the phone while my best friend's now fiancé nervously asked if I could help him plan the proposal and now…this wedding means so much. it's a serious mile marker for j. I can remember us as kids back in jr high having a slumber party in her parents' basement and discussing our dreams for the future. That little 14 year old girl in j is smiling right now.

The wedding details will come later but for now I'm just giddy to get there and eat lovely food, drink great wine and laugh my arse off with the one who occupies a big ole chunk of my heart. There's nothing like celebrating with the ones you love! this wedding has come to symbolize so much for me. I'm sure j has a different spin (hee hee) but for the woman of honor (that'd be me yo!) it's huge that I'm going to witness her starting a new chapter of her life and celebrating something that I seriously believe in—that being her love for good ole mr fiancé.

Giving Heart

The spirit of charity and giving has been all around me lately. A good friend of mine from back home went thru some painful and challenging procedures last year so that she could provide eggs to a woman who couldn't produce any of her own. she ended up having twins which recently decided to pop into the world. I think it's really beautiful and amazing what she did and she and those babies seriously warm my heart. It takes a strong and loving individual to help a family out like that.

Then there's the lovely juvenile diabetes walk I'll be doing here soon. It's almost addicting raising money for this. Every dollar I raise I swear I visualize going straight into my dad's pancreas. Is it wrong that I get something out of all this? It's not a selfless act. It's almost addicting to be a part of something bigger than my life. I've encountered some really amazing hearts and have gotten back the sweetest responses from friends and family who want to help out. diabetes and I are not friends…the disease proved quite challenging for a kid with a parent living with the diagnosis. Now I'm ready to kick its arse any way I can.

alright...i think i've gotten out everything out. i feel better. night, night. ta ta[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : avante garde...and all that jazz

Posted Date: : Oct 16, 2007 8:38 PM

i haven't been able to write for quite some time (that's a big duh from the peanut gallery). i've been hacking away in my journal trying to verbalize what it is that's sent me to the land of blues and back again. i think i've somewhat figured it out. i've been going thru life waiting for my norm to hit, waiting for my dreams to fly, waiting for things to steady out, waiting for the harmony to flow and it's just not workin' out that way.

i was listening to miles the other day and for the first time i could really hear the improvisation in his music. fell in love all over again... like a miles' song my life follows a basic rhythm: the people around me, society's rules and social norms all keep on beat. life keeps moving forward and i'm moving but it's skattered and all over the place. for a long time now i've been disappointed in that aspect of my life but for the time being my outlook has changed.

i sat last week crying my eyes out and then my best friend started talking to me and she got thru. your friends are supposed to tell you good things to cheer you up but she sincerely showed me how she sees me. i needed to see myself thru the eyes of someone i trust and love.

i had managed to bruise my own ego pretty well. i wore the smile but it wasn't sincere. i've always been strong. i've always known my limit. i've always known when to say enough and pick myself back up but this time i couldn't. in one day i got bad news from my job, got a cruel email right after that, saw someone that brings out the ugly in me, delt with the closure of bad dating decisions and it all culminated into a ball that i quickly analyzed and attached to the list of "why my life sucks".

sometimes you just need to cry.

everyone close to me had advice. my dear grandma told me "all that glitters ain't gold", j gave me endless encouragement and reminded me of my divine kiwi power, b sat me down and dissected the behaviors of the cruel people tainting my life and little by little my damn spine started to come back. i don't know what happened. yes, i have specific goals that i aspire to achieve, can be my own worst critic and self-analyze on a daily basis..this all contributed but i'm scared to think that maybe my faith and hope is dwindling. it's literally all i have so i can't lose it.

i don't know how many years i can be fabulously skattered and still win the approval of my inner tish but there are some good things i'm focusing on right now so i'm ok. i have to ask though, how do people get thru their 20's in one piece?!

i'm learning so much about my character it's unreal but it don't come easy.

and the trumpet keeps blowing...
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