i toast...

we've still got lots of time before new years day...before the point of uber reflection but i can't help myself...last weekend was hard core for me. the weekend started out with me being kind of fluish...always nice, but i pulled myself together nonetheless on Sat morning in time to get up at 4:30 in the morning, catch my shuttle and sit thru 2 hours of security at the airport. i did it! i got thru layovers in denver and got to kc in one piece...just a couple of hours later than i thought, went to my mom and dad's party and that's where the fun began. i can't tell you how amazing it was to walk into that house and see not only my mom and dad's closest friends and family members, but my friends too...everybody celebrating the entity known as "tom and sue". i feel like i'm dreaming some days. it feels me up with so much happiness to see my parents back at it and in love. it makes life just a little bit easier to deal with...gives me a little more courage to embark on my own family pursuits...allows me to believe in the power of love as corny as that sounds. i had a BLAST hanging out with my two younger sisters, my best friend and buds...we drank red wines...some not so great...my mom has a horrible infatuation with white zins....gross! and just celebrated those two. they said their vows to each other and there wasn't a dry eye in the place. my sisters and i made a toast to them...like i said, sometimes i feel as though i'm dreaming with those two.

that night i stayed with my best bud at her parents' new home and almost got in trouble for giggling into the wee hours of the night....all i have to say is "sticky" jen...sticky!!!

the rest of the weekend was a blur...we woke up on christmas eve and i got to hang with her and her whole fam and it was great...basically second family with some killer new orleans recipes. life was grand that day. when i arrived home my parents were out shopping together for gifts so i just hung out with my sisters, wrapped all my gifts and went and saw a movie with one of my favorite people in the world, marcus. (repeat movie: the holiday..it was just that good folks!)

christmas day i was woken up early (parents were quite excited to give us our gifts) i got some great things..the kind of things that are specific to you as a person...the kind of gifts that make you feel good knowing someone knows you that well...my friends and fam are pretty darn great. the only downfall was i had to also get on a plane that day...i spent the afternoon and evening flying home...funny that i call los angeles home now...my boyfriend, bless his heart, knew that i'd be a little emotionally torn. it was good to see him (spending the holidays away from the ones ya love is hard man!) but man i'm a momma's girl!!!

summed up the weekend couldn't have gone any better. my family's back in one piece. the full weight of that sentence hasn't really hit me 100% yet. i'm working on it though. i feel like i'm in a haze most days...my parents, my boyfriend, my friends...i feel so blessed to have collected all of these people...i'm almost numb to the happiness if that's possible.

tomorrow my bedroom furniture arrives and i'll no longer feel like a poor struggling artist..thank you santa!!! new years is coming up and the boy plans to endulge my fantasies...he's trying to gather friends together that want to stay in and play board games : ) gotta love the guy!!! i'll have an acting blog up soon. i have to think a little bit more before that one will come to fruition.

happy holidays ya'll!!!

p.s. did anyone get kissed underneath the mistletoe?

home i go

i don't know why but life is throwing me some major hurdles to try to get me to stay in los angeles for christmas. i've had this weird nasty bug for the last couple of days that has left me drained and rediculously exhausted. i actually sat near the potty the other night praying that i didn't get the flu..i HAVE to get home. i have a layover in denver lol...yes folks. i HAVE to get home though. i'm crossing my fingers. i don't wanna wake up at 4:00 in the morning for nothing!

this should be a fun christmas. i'm going home. i'm finally going to spend time with my complete family. life is good. it's crazy how we take that kind of thing for granted. not i...nope nope nope.

so yeah basically i arrive at 3 kc time, the parents are picking me up and then my best gal pal is meeting me at their place...followed by their marriage vow renewal and partying. christmas eve i'm catching up with the folks i love including my favorite person in the world, my godchild whit, and just kickin it...it should be nice and 'real' cold there. i'm bringing the mittens...it's crazy to think christmas will be over when i get back. it came so quick this year...time flies when you're having fun.

i'm on my way to bed early...i can't keep my eyes open for nothing but i've got a lot of people on my mind. it's a friday night...my la loved ones are all at parties or hanging with family...i miss 'em but i'm excited as heck to see home.



the pursuit of happyness

i finally got to see the movie, "the pursuit of happyness" this weekend and it was as touching as i expected it to be, but it was a hard one to watch.

my blogs are never too personal, but it seems that the more i write, the more comfortable i become...so here goes.

the movie talks about this amazing father and his amazing strength to keep his head above water for his child. it's crazy but my whole life i've kept how i grew up this big secret. it's not that i'm ashamed, but i didn't want to put my mother thru it all again...i brought it up once as a kid and she started crying because she hadn't known i'd remember. nothing big. we were just really poor. we would wash our clothes in bathtubs, hang them to dry in the oven, walk everywhere...even with chicken pox...sometimes sleep on floors. my mom was young but she seriously made those times fun for me. she'd blast music and we'd dance and do our thing...years later my sisters would tease me for hanging on to toys or taking care of things in an almost anal retentive kind of way...but it simply because i learned to appreciate the gifts that i knew not everyone could get. that movie hit really close to home. we walked out and for the first time in front of another person i cried about it all. my guy was really cool about the whole thing and sat and talked to me for a while. i'm so scared of going back to that place. i don't know if i could be as strong as my mom once was. i don't know if i have that kind of hustle...people that have never experienced that kind of life can watch will smith's movie and then just move on..."good flick, i'm glad he got rich, lets go home and play with our ipods and be merry" but there's so much more to the story. we get so hung up on our lives we forget that there are people with real struggles just trying to keep their heads above water. you'll see will smith deal with that in the movie...

i can't wait to go home this weekend and hug the crap out of my mom. when you watch that movie you'll get why...she's a lot like will smith was. a girl i work with was explaining how everyone thinks her mother is beautiful because she never leaves the house without makeup or her hair done...my mom may not be the makeup wearing girlie girl type (now you know where i get it from) but she's still the most beautiful woman i've ever met. it's hard to keep focus being out here among the cali folks, but at least it came back. people probably question why i can be so harsh towards people i feel are priveleged and bratty about it. i try not to be, but it's just so disgusting to watch someone be ungrateful.

so there ya go...just in time my mind became clear again-- just in time for the holidays.

p.s. i really am lucky to have a boyfriend like the one i do. as he sits beside me watching lord of the rings for the upteenth time...i don't really care. it's good to have a best friend that has your back...even thru the really hard stuff that you normally can't share. merry christmas some more people..i can't say it enough!

it's not your beauty it's your booty?

i have a bud who may or may not be going thru something but for the moment i assume she is and she's done something that i've seen happen many a time with females...heck i've even done it myself...

when i was engaged oh so long ago and i found out that the guy married another WHILE we were engaged my first response was to cut my hair and scratch up my face. sounds dramatic but when you're dealing with that type of disgusting heart break the first thing you want to do is destroy the one thing that you believe initiates the disgusting relationship...your beauty. he saw you, he saw something in you and voila! he was drawn in enough to put you in the position you're now in.

This isn't a select few women either. girls are taught from the time they can walk and smile their pearly whites that their beauty is important..in fact some believe it's what determines their worth. why is that and why can't we stop it? i'm too tired to get into all of the details of that and the sidenote companions such as female jealousy and so forth. i just brought it up irresponsibly i guess. the easy answer is my friend may very well be fine and dandy and i totally read her wrong, but just in case i want her to know that beauty and men don't mix..they don't get it and that's not our fault...ever. (and that includes our inner beauty too sister!)

you can't leave the subject line blank

what a weird week. it went by so quickly. a whir really. things are swell but i just can't catch my breath. it doesn't help that my day of reflection has turned into national gimp day. i woke up this morning, scratched my eye and slit it...yes, slit it. that on top of a tiny cold that keeps trying to sprout up have left me not so in the mood to sit back and analyze how life has been going. i'm gonna try hard though.

acting--no new news. someone recently contacted me about attending the "all of us" staff party, but i don't know if i'd count that as acting...more so feaux networking.

relationship--the guy is great at christmas time. i've never dated someone who volunteerily loves to sit and watch old christmas flicks together. last night i sat and made christmas gifts for the peeps at my job, we watched a movie, he cut ribbon and i tied. it's the little things folks.

friends--it's crazy how my buds seem to all posess qualities that seem to hit you at just the right time. one friend can make you laugh at the drop of a hat, one friend makes you feel as though you can change the world, another helps you out with your best friend's upcoming bachelorette party...another makes your heart do flips (i date that one). this morning i was listening to the radio and while the commercial was trying to get people to buy (consumer greed rearing its ugly head at christma time) it struck a more positive note...it was saying don't look at gift buying as a chore but rather a priviledge showing you just how lucky you are...you have people to that you can give back to--more importantly you have friends. i like it. mikey likes it folks!

i think i'm rambling, but it's friday night and i'm enjoying being some what bored for a bit before i have to knock into gear and start doing big kid errands. there's still a lot on my mind this christmas...i think this blog is long enough though. tgif!!!


dr. jekyll and ms hyde

it's a funny thing. i love to act. i even actually enjoy modeling, but if you talk to me right before i'm about to do either you'll be surprised to find a griping nervous twit. i don't know why but i just freak out beforehand. it would come as no shock then to know that i woke up this morning dreading today...a day i would do both. i have this 9-5 job that leaves me drained so you'd think i'd jump at the chance to be in my element more often but alas no. well at least not until i actually got into what i was doing. this morning i met up with a clever little photographer to take some interesting and different shots i've always wanted to do...you'll see the finished project hopefully soon and although i was a peach beforehand i just came alive once we started. it just feels good to be in front of a camera and becoming a character and creating something fun. that ish lasted all day (really!) and i froze my little tail off but it was so worth it.

after that i went straight to a reading one of my buds put together. see that's the cool thing about los angeles. i have friends in the hustle trying to do the dang thing. this such friend just happened to have written a screenplay that she needed some creative input on. i was nervous out of my mind reading from something that could very well be labeled her baby but it was really fun and i came alive for the second time in one day...all in all i had a dang good day. so much so that i'm up at 11 something writing a blog on it...grammama usually can't do that ish!

on a side note. my guy won me something from an auction this weekend...i swear at times i feel like boys will never get me..not ever and then this dude comes along and finds not only a book by barack obama, a politician that yes people i actually admire and respect, BUT a SIGNED copy! my mouth fell open. the bookworm in me was highly impressed. life's crazy right?

ok the eyelids are getting heavy. until later!

the beginning of christmas

it's happened. christmas has finally started for me. tonight i've got the fire place going, i've watched the cool claymation christmas movies i watched as a kid, i'm watching the polar express now...by the way it's creepy weird real...but the point is it's christmas time...i almost want to cry right now because my childhood is coming back in full force. some of my favorite and most vivid memories revolve around christmas time...my imagination, the good times with my family, not being able to sleep christmas eve night...making ornaments at school. the good comes out in people and it makes me long for my childhood when things were easier. i seriously couldn't have a bad day in the month of december.

merry christmas everybody.


man...early this morning i had a HORRIBLE dream that left me crying in bed. you know they're not real...you know it's over, but dang it left a mark that i just couldn't shake. i woke up ten minutes before my alarm clock went off without any kind of pep in my step. the rest of the day slowly but surely picked up but i started off in a fowl mood. why are dreams so powerful? i mean i couldn't hardly speak to people at my job because i just felt like curling up inside myself. dreams are powerful things i guess.

do you ever just have those blah days where you feel like nothing gets accomplished and you don't care if it stays that way? i really should do something..anything but i'm just not motivated in the least.

i'm creeping more and more inside myself and that's never a good thang my friend. i think i need a good christmas movie and some christmas card writing time. bet! i'm gonna stick to this pollyanna stuff if it kills me!

i do have one thing i've been wondering for a while that i can share...make this stuff blog worthy if you will. do any of you have someone that you have just determined has it all together?...ya like their style and how they work but you like it so much that it makes you feel like pooh? i know someone who i feel i'll never live up to...isn't that crazy to do to yourself? the bad thing is i shouldn't like this person at all. it makes it harder for sure. do we all have someone we secretly hate to admire?

one more thing: i got an unusual audition notice today. the audition is to appear on one of those fashion shows where they tell you, you suck at dressing and then give you money to go do your thing. if any of you have ever seen my attire you know this is the perfect show for me lol...i had to make a request that i wanted to be more feminine...i've been labeled the "boybian" at my job...nice. maybe i'll get it and they'll make me perdy. i'll keep ya posted. thanks b for the jessica alba bit. i went with that : )

happy snafus

this is my bookworm confession.

so every body that knows me knows i love to read but lately...and i mean months ya'll i haven't even finished a single book. i just don't have the time to sit back and chillax but today i made a conscientious effort to sit back and read some good stuff. i just read an article discussing our inability as humans to accept our happy times. we thrive off of pain and suffering...basically admitting that nothing good can come of "easy" but rather pain. if you're into reading o magazine it's on page 277 : ) "taking a chance on joy". good stuff.

it's funny that i tend to be one such person. i feel almost guilty for the moments when i sit back and just enjoy life. i think it's hard to see the good at times though..it's always there but we get so caught up in the "big picture" we lose sight of the little things...life for instance the fact that i sat with my friend and her little boy today and helped him with his homework. he started out so frustrated and upset and by the end his page was full of correct answers and he had a big smile on his face. it's the little things. i avoided traffic today because i was running early this morning. i had great cinnamon tea...i read. i'm listening to a great song i haven't heard in many moons...i put a whole bunch of christmas flicks in my online movie queue so my boy and i can vedge out in style... even my snafus today had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt....it's the little things.

yeah i have a lot on my plate, and i worry but at this moment that's not important. today was a good day. i'm not going to consider being in a good mood as a bad thing anymore. i won't hide it ..i won't even delete this blog for fear of the pollyanna undertones it possesses : ) how about those apples?

i'm on a polar high

ahhhh! i just got an email from the writer/author of the books that i love that are about to be turned into a tv series! yes my friends i'm still in the loop. i felt like a dork for continuously pressing this poor woman for info on any show progression...it's still in the business stages and she wrote me personally today and gave me some updates..small steps maybe, but great for my hopeful nature!!! coming out here, struggling to stay afloat, dealing with the lull of audition-less days is hard stuff. every little bit keeps me going though. more than people realize : ) so yeah for this monday! maybe i'm a tiny hustler down deep inside after all...

something on a completely different note. putting virus protections on your computer is a pain in the rear if you ask me. i've been working on it for over an hour now. where's my tech buddies when ya need 'em?!

as for the weekend: they're passing quicker and quicker lately but they are always a blast. this weekend my girlie vikkie came to visit and we had a jolly old time. it's crazy how much i missed the gal. as soon as i saw her all the memories of our slumber parties and hang outs came flooding back in and i just wanted to hug her and never let go! it was a short visit but i feel like we got some good stuff in...i took her to see some stuff around los angeles and we just chatted and cut up like we always did in the past. she's almost as crazy goofy as me...getting folks like us together is always a barrel of laughs. she even hipped me to some new stuff. we went to this non fat frozen yogurt spot that had the most delicious frozen yogurt i've ever had. it was so good i had to go back the next day. it's called pinkberry. holla at me folks if you ever want to go. i'm always down. that stuff is nectar sent from the gods i say! it made my day just that much better...good weather, icecream and good company made for an excellent weekend.

gotta love life! PLUS it's december! it's christmas time which happens to be my favorite holiday/month. life's grand i say...just grand.
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