ya got no hustle kid

so i just got back from that acting seminar and i took some positive and negative things home with me...first of all i figured out i can't expect my agent to kiss my behind and go out scavenging the streets looking for work for me. point taken..at the same time i learned he's not really doing what i need him to do and i need to become 100% more involved with the direction of where i want my acting career to go and when that will happen. everything happens for a reason. there's a reason i sat in a room full of pretty people and secretly teared up a little because i've wasted a year out here and this ish is hard as hell..there's a reason i moved out here...there's a reason i don't have hustle, but there's also a reason that i have this yearning down deep inside my soul to do what i love most in life...i may not be a hustler yet, but i'm gonna learn how to work this career of mine as best as i can. i used to hate the word hustle...ok i still hate the word...it sounds like something one does when they have no education or normal chance...they have to hustle their way in...at one point i felt like i had all my ducks in a row. i'm an intelligent chick with a good head on my shoulders and a drive to work hard, but i haven't a clue when it comes to applying that to acting...you have to be educated about the people that run hollywood...the names to know..the gatekeepers of those you see pop up on boob tubes around the nation. i don't know that ish...therefore i need to hustle. lol. period. my twenties are killin me folks...someone at the seminar mentioned that a good actor knows who they really are...because of that they are able to market themselves accurately and affectively...see that's where i'm lacking at the present moment. i'm young and silly. i have no idea, no real focus on the type of person i am. is that crazy to be in your 20s and not have any earthly idea who you really are?! as soon as i figure out some key things i should be good.

wish me luck. i have to find my hustle. it's an early new years resolution if you will.

eyes on the prize

i did my first adult/kidult thing in california today. i went to jury duty. i swear going to that court house in downtown los angeles was probably one of the most interesting experiences i've encountered out here thus far. seeing such different groups of people all in the same room, stripped of any class, title, whatever is pretty humorous to watch. we're all just numbers...

if you've ever been you know how utterly boring it can be. you're waiting around for most of the day. i can't even lie-- i was one of those people that others giggle at. i kept falling asleep and my head would jerk back and forth...i felt like at any moment i'd hear " bueller....buelller..." but alas i didn't...you never know though cuz it's la and no one's exempt from that ish!!!

i didn't sleep the whole time though...i actually pondered quite a bit. like for instance, books are my love. they make me happy and going into barnes and nobles can seriously put me in a good mood no matter what i've been thru that day. i love them like their family members, but there's something quite refreshing about picking up a news magazine...it sounds like i was probably smoking the doobie but really it's refreshing to know that you can't choose the knowledge you're about to receive from one...i mean if you're really hard core into news and left and right wing biases then maybe you have opinions about which way the magazine sways but on a basic level you don't know what you're about to get. you leave yourself open to the possibility of something 98% random as opposed to picking up a book that you sort of know something about in most cases 20 % random...you have a preference and you choose a book based on whether or not it will appeal to your preferences. i learned a lot of nifty stuff today from that magazine. just thought i'd share lol. borring? sorry i was in jury duty all day!

i also thought about my parents too. i don' t think i mentioned it before but my parents thought they would divorce for the longest time...had separated--the whole bit and it almost tore me completely apart...but they're now working it out...in fact, they plan to renew their vows when i come home for christmas. the thing is i'm a little weird about the whole thing now...i wanted and wished for this type of thing and now that it's here i'm scared it will pass and things will go back to the way they were. i start to wonder what makes a marriage seem strong to others on the outside...do people admire those that never had problems in their relationships...moved thru life without substantial damage or is their something noble about those that hit rock bottom and come up together? can you go thru something like this and bounce back? i hope so. i'm just scared...see what sitting in a room for 6.5 hours will do to you?!

tomorrow i go back, but i'm actually excited. i'm participating in something bigger than me. i could have a great and importnat responsibility...do something that makes america AMERICA...cheesy but cool.

tomorrow night i'm attending an acting seminar down the street from where i live. that should be a hoot. i need to start doing more stuff with acting during this terrible dry spell i'm experiencing...keep my eyes on the prize...

gobbling guru


i think i have eaten more this thanksgiving than any other one before. the turkey day was a good one...i love holidays that are layed back and stress free. i went over to my gal b's place and oinked out like i had never had a real meal in my life and then hung out with her and her fam just watching football and laughing our little stuffed heads off. after that i had to kick in to girlfriend mode and meet up with the boy to make the rounds which actually ended up being really cool. it's fun to see how others celebrate. his family eats later so we stopped by his buds' places and grubbed some more (yes if you're keeping count i've eaten a lot by this point) followed by dinner with his family which wasn't as nerve wracking as i imagined it would be. i made a pie and this chicken 'stuff' that my mommy taught me to make and they actually ate the stuff and didn't kill over. (always a good thing) then we just watched family stone (one of my fav's at the moment) and fell asleep. it was just really nice to spend the day with the ones i love around these here parts.

it's crazy how one day can make me feel. thanksgiving and christmas have always been big for me. there's just something about the holidays that leave me feeling complete..no matter how broke i may be, stressed i once was, angry i may have been...it all fades away and i'm left feeling thankful and extremely lucky to have the people i have.

happy holidays ya'll!!!

fly me to the moon

so sorry for the late blog but i didn't get a chance to sit down and rest on my laurels yesterday : ) myspace alone is probably one of my top sources of entertainment as of lately. i get a kick out of my bud's pages....one such bud is currently blasting some frankie that i absolutely adore....so much so that i asked vic to dance with me and the little bugger did....we danced to frank sinatra and it was heaven..all because of little ole myspace.

nights like last night (heroes rocked by the way!) are great set ups to thanksgiving holidays. the week's gonna be a good one. i'm not going home, but it's comforting to know that my mom and dad will be celebrating it together...that my sisters will have fun and i'll have my first mexican thanksgiving....complete with tamales and enchiladas. : ) PLUS my girl b and i are planning on taking a mini vacation together this weekend and catch up. we tend to go thru weird periods of time without seeing each other...then we get back together and laugh our little butts off. those are the best people to have around you during the holiday season. : )

i'm really having a hard time blogging lately. i have so much running thru my head, but it's not really stuff blog worthy, ya know? i just keep hoping for the big break, the big questions, the big time : )

p.s. vic made me get in a frickin prius, my dream car, last night...my heart strings were pulled...my little dream toy...right in front of me...and i can't have it..the worst form of window shopping...sigh

babel and beer

i just got back from watching the movie, "babel" down on the 3rd street promenade. it's peaked my interest for some time now. i thought i knew the jist of the movie...language barriers that prevent a group of people from achieving their goal...kind of like the tower of babel...a story vic hipped me onto, being that i'm not really a biblical afficianado but i don't think the movie was that simple to break down. i need more dialogue so everyone needs to see it so i can talk about that ish. as of right now the only thing i can say about it is "phenomenal acting on every actor's parts"...definitely made me thirsty for that type of work...weird of me?

this was a weird weekend i must say...we all have the cabability of listening to other's perceptions of us and deciding whether or not the opinion is worth an insightful look into ourselves...i decided it was...i'm quite dramatic if you haven't figured that out. i'm easily moved...stressed if you will : ) so i tried to calm my self down...take time to process...more help on my "fobfo-ing" it was nice. we're all works in progress right?

life's too short for me to constantly be worrying about the things i worry about. i vow to enjoy my friends and family more...and still manage to get my dream...i'm a multi tasker. this shouldn't be hard : )

oh! new great things...i tried a beer tonight that i actually liked...yes, this is huge for the mixed chick with irish coming out of her ears. it sounds like the "heifa" with something at the end lol. that's all this sister can remember, but i was proud of myself...even if i had to ask vic how to order it...i'd like whatever whatever on draft...as opposed to i'd like whatever whatever in a glass : ) i'm learning folks!

insomnia sucks

i had a million things running thru my head...that crap was forceful enough to keep me up. friday the 17th will be an interesting day being that i will be running on only three hours of sleep...nice.

i'm going for a follow up appt to fix quasi modo eye, copying and sending portfolio modeling pics to an agent and who knows after that. business first party hardy later. : )

4:23 a.m.

pink eyed panther

so i woke up this morning with a nastified swollen eyeball. it was lovely. quasi modo came over and knocked me right upside the head. i decided i didn't want to go blind...i had had issues with my eyes the WHOLE time i was in texas...burning, couldn't open them, lights blinding me, the works...so i went to urgent care. it's pink eye folks! how in the heck i received this lovely gift i don't know but it kept me out of work today...bored out of my mind! ahhh i can't drive...i can't do nada...but tomorrow's a new day. : ) i watched fried green tomatoes today and enjoyed tishy time as much as i possibly could...in between five minute eye drops.


i'm back....

being in texas is so great...i got in yesterday around noon and it's been a nonstop walk down memory lane ever since. i'm driving by places where i used to play when i was 4, 5 years old...memories i had totally buried have resurfaced...first crushes, jr high dramas...lol. i think the people who stay near or in their home towns take their histories for granted some times. i forgot about childhood in a sense..coming back here showed me that. we went into a wal-mart last night to pick up some things for the wedding tomorrow and i was constantly looking around for someone i'd know.i love this place...cleburne's just as i left it which doesn't say a bunch but somehow that's comforting. today we're gonna drive by my old house that i grew up in...see if my basketball court is still in tact...this is the good life.

i think the best part of all is i get to share it with someone. vic is on his way as i write this....flying on a plane next to eric estrada lol. (gotta love los angeles!) he's a little under the weather but i bought him some stuff to keep his immune system appeased...he has to be fully alert to witness all this..it's important...it's what made me who i am today believe it or not. isn't it funny how geography can do that to a sister?

home sweet home...i heart texas...and not in the "texas is bigger and better ya'll!" kind of way : )

my girlie gets hitched tomorrow to a man that loves her to pieces and i couldn't be happier. i've known miss leigh anne since she was in kindergarten and i in the first grade. we go WAY back so this is a little hard for me...how fast we grew up...i'm finding out just how wonderful i have it.

take care ya'll...i'm coming back to los angeles with a twang!

hoping for happenstance

i have found out alarming news today...my blogs have been used for evil. a good buddy of mine from work used one of my last blogs to pick up chicks...and it worked (duh i'm a pimp) but STILL! say it ain't so...sigh. boys. : )

there are some pretty good things happening in my life right now. the money situation is a hard one, but it's honestly teaching me how to budget and manage it in a responsible way. (point for tishy!) then there's the whole i'm leaving for texas in three days and i get to see my childhood best friend get married...amor...PLUS i'm bringing my guy home...an act i have NEVER done before...NO guy has EVER met the second fam...this is big stuff people!!! more goodness...two people that are very close to me may get back together and if that happens i would be the happiest tish in the world...the funny thing is i knew deep down that it wasn't gonna end and so if it doesn't that means that other hopes and gut feelings i have about my life are gonna happen the way i feel that they will. i'm hoping for happenstance that leads to my dreams. they say it's all luck anyways, right?

tonight heroes comes on and i'm obsessed with that ish...i swear i haven't been so excited for mondays since i was a frickin nerdy kid that loved going back to school! happy monday to all and to all a good night.

toothpicks and chai tea

man it's been a long time since i've had a sunday and i'm loving every bit of it. back when i lived in kansas city every sunday was my day...i'd wake up in the morning...read the paper, go grab a chai tea from panera across the street, pop in some miles davis and enjoy my tish time. here i kind of lost my element, but it's coming back...and i LOVE it.

i have to have some kind of acting hope in order to be me i've decided. last week was really hard because i thought i was going to have to put that dream to the side for awhile, but then a friend told me i may have an opportunity to audition for a tyler perry play...this could be a good thing. i keep getting all of these great opportunities dangled in my face and i know deep down something's gonna come along. this all builds unbelievable character. i'll appreciate the sweetness cuz i've definitely experienced the bitter!

i've also been thinking about the whole modeling thing again. all these pretty girls in california had me down thinking i wasn't on the same level, but i'm waking up...the funny thing about modeling is you don't have to be drop dead gorgeous. you just have to look like a toothpick and have some dang confidence. i can do that! ha! i'm getting back to me. funny that i had this epiphany while watching chris rock in down to earth lol...we all have our moment, right?

hopefully things start to turn around. i'm in charge now :)

stop chasing me unless you're ready to catch me

is that NOT the best quote ever for a tv show? i have to hand it to the writers of grey's anatomy....that's some good ish right there. it's an interesting subject too. ya hear how guys like the chase...love the girls that play hard to get....i even studied that ish in college...it's a part of something called the "uniqueness theory"...we all want to be unique. we all want to have unique things which includes getting the guy or girl that no one else has been able to snag. it's a dangerous game though...and quite smart of the doc on grey's to ask about....if it's really about the chase then folks are seriously setting themselves up to being hurt. what happens when the guy finally gets the girl? ya gotta ask the other person...are they really ready to catch ya. i LOVE that dang show...i just do. : )

tomorrow is friday. i plan on spending a lovely evening chillin like a pauper with my main squeeze. nothing fancy schmancy. just enjoying the person i felt like catching : )

hot water

there's this saying that spreads around the internet from time to time about people being like tea bags...you never find out how strong they are until they're put in hot water. i'm being tested like a mutha on that little idea right about now.

i'm really trying to pay off my debt, keep up on my bills and do all that jazz, but it's hard so yesterday i went and applied for a second job at good ole barnes and nobles near my place. this action came with a reality check though....job number two means even less time to focus on acting. it's a hard realization when you find out the thing you want most in life gets in the way of basic practical living. i was talking to my mom about it all last night and i just choked up...couldn't even talk anymore. part of all the drama was the fact that i've been getting whack sleep lately, but it still sucked. i felt like a little dark cloud was following me around all day. i was waiting for someone to throw something at me like they do to charlie brown...little woodstocks flittering above my head...but instead i just went to bed. i know all of this will pass and i'll have good times a plenty, but life's rough ya'll. i'm talking to someone about possibly getting back into modeling so hopefully something can come of that...it makes me feel better to take action...i'm putting myself on an extreme budget...tishy ain't going NO WHERE anytime soon (well except for my wedding in texas next week-hee hee) i no longer can be complicit in my own destruction...like that? it's not mine, but i write it on all of my journals as a reminder. catchy, right?

tonight i watch ugly betty and grey's anatomy...two shows capable of putting me in the most excellent of moods. plus my goyles are joining me. it's all good in my hood. sleep and friends can cure any bad checkbook.
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