divorce and other ugly words

ehhh...i just left work. the whole impending doom of divorce finally came to a head. it's funny...the word 'divorce'. friends talked about it, people in general talked about it-- i've heard the word growing up...i've said the word a million times, but now when it applies to me... it sticks in my throat...i can't get the damn thing out without poppin out some tears right along with it. i feel so bad for all the little kids in the world going thru this. i've decided all of my relationship dramas are petty and insignificant...we stress and cry over relationships that we always knew weren't healthy enough to lead to marriage and now i don't know why. why do we try to create marriages that aren't something we really believe in? how many days, months, years did i stay with someone just because i was trying to make something out of nothing? it happens more than you think...and then you open yourself up to that ugly big 'd' word again...

i'm learning more than ever how important my family was to me and how i took it for granted. all of my childhood memories keep flooding in and all i can see are images of my mom and dad goofing off together, joking, laughing, taking us on great trips...my life will permanently be split and the thing that i held consistent and sure in my life is no more.

so today is the day i get all the crap out of my system. i wrote my mom, i'll call my dad...the weird thing is i am so uncomfortable talking about it with them...i can't seem to talk....ALIEN TO ME by the way. everyone's got a story...lots of people have been thru just this thing. i'm not special. i get all of that but i blog anyways....it's cathartic damn it.

i have to grab for stuff to make me happy today...if coco cola called and offered me that commercial it would be really swell. i'll settle for some good tv and some sister conversation....for now!


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