$450 haircut

so i've been totally pumped to get my hair cut and get some of the weight off...yesterday i go into this salon a friend recommended and the dude totally butchered my head! i look like corinne bailey ray now...if you don't know who that is google the name. ugh...this is horrible. i keep looking at my headshot pictures that i now have to replace and i just wanna cry...there's nothing i can do about this ish and i look like a frickin little kid. just had to rant a little. my career is officially on hold until this ish grows out.

today i'm going to an outkast concert and i was planning on having a ball this weekend but instead i just want to stay inside and hide. i'll see ya'll all this time next year. : )

when words/quotes finally mean something...

this just kinda fits today....

Sam: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

divorce and other ugly words

ehhh...i just left work. the whole impending doom of divorce finally came to a head. it's funny...the word 'divorce'. friends talked about it, people in general talked about it-- i've heard the word growing up...i've said the word a million times, but now when it applies to me... it sticks in my throat...i can't get the damn thing out without poppin out some tears right along with it. i feel so bad for all the little kids in the world going thru this. i've decided all of my relationship dramas are petty and insignificant...we stress and cry over relationships that we always knew weren't healthy enough to lead to marriage and now i don't know why. why do we try to create marriages that aren't something we really believe in? how many days, months, years did i stay with someone just because i was trying to make something out of nothing? it happens more than you think...and then you open yourself up to that ugly big 'd' word again...

i'm learning more than ever how important my family was to me and how i took it for granted. all of my childhood memories keep flooding in and all i can see are images of my mom and dad goofing off together, joking, laughing, taking us on great trips...my life will permanently be split and the thing that i held consistent and sure in my life is no more.

so today is the day i get all the crap out of my system. i wrote my mom, i'll call my dad...the weird thing is i am so uncomfortable talking about it with them...i can't seem to talk....ALIEN TO ME by the way. everyone's got a story...lots of people have been thru just this thing. i'm not special. i get all of that but i blog anyways....it's cathartic damn it.

i have to grab for stuff to make me happy today...if coco cola called and offered me that commercial it would be really swell. i'll settle for some good tv and some sister conversation....for now!

dreams are funny things

filming was cool. it's monday...not a cool day for reflection and warm and fuzzies i'm afraid.

Being an assistant really does suck. People look down on you and get away with saying some pretty jacked up things...and after it's all said and done it's so freaking hard to put your ego back together again when you're sitting at your desk putting labels on hanging folders for the boss lady.

I'm putting up with some craptastic crap for this dream of mine. Today I'm kind of angry at myself…acting's a love/hate relationship now I guess. Sometimes I love my dream and other times I curse it all together.

grey's anatomy

today was a good day....i had an audition that i hopefully get. please cross your fingers...it's for a national campaign....every tishy's dream. i hung out and had coffee and enjoyed the beautiful weather...then went to my girl's loaded with creamcicles to watch grey's anatomy.

girlfriends are the best thing for broken spirits don't you think? i'm very lucky to have found such good friends...very lucky.

the last kiss

p.s. i went and saw last kiss on friday night and i seriously recommend it to all...it's a beautiful story about complicated simple people and real life...i've seen movies that attempt to create what this movie did....the story of us came pretty darn close...closer was another good one BUT none have ever been able to move me in this way. the movie was funny, clever, honest in a way that was unnerving, endearing and beautiful. there were literal gasps in certain parts...i could just tell that people around me were totally involved in the story line...forgetting they were sitting in a theater watching fiction...i didn't want to leave the theater..i wanted to see what would happen next. i haven't had that feeling over characters since the last time i read a zadie smith book. go see it folks!

when the dog bites when the bee stings

ahhh i have to give props to the things that make me happy...specifically today:

pottery barn...there's just something about those wonderful lil emails i receive that contain yummy pictures of pretty pretty things. the moments when i get excited over p.b. and vacuum cleaners let me know that yes indeed i am becoming a big kid. a kidult if you will...

fall....ever since i was a kid i've had this appreciation for the season...leaves get crispy, football starts, the temperature drops to a bearable level...it's one of the few transitions in life i can actually take without freaking out : )

The fact that I got an email from my agent asking me if I was a hard core college basketball fan …brought up memories of ku : ) I'm not a HUGE gi-normous fan by any means. (never date players on the team then it becomes synomous with ice cream dates and cute movies…oh the tangents i digress upon) anywho, i love my alma mater and i miss walking on campus, falling asleep near tulips and my cute little apartment off of iowa street.

Corinne bailey rae…put your records on…the part where the music seems as though it's about to stop and then she just blurts out "girl put your records on!" it's beautiful. love it! my brown people weren't really doing anything for me in regards to the craptastic music they were producing...she came at just the right time to save the day.

so yes. nothing eventful happened today by any means. i just enjoyed the little things. life can be a silly thing can't it? i came home from work, put on my boxers and a t shirt and after this blog i'm going to go over my lines to stay fresh and then i think i'll eat the best burritos in the world with my roomie, big B. nothing big but yet it is...

ope one moment of negative naughtiness...so i have yet another big huge frickin fever blister from my delightful wax my chick gave me. you know i love her to death but she's constantly always jackin up my face and making me look like a freak nasty...do i really need to cut her loose or should i just communicate better? t's really the story of my whole life...apply it to whatever and it comes out about the same : )

that's all folks. love the little things. that's my quote for the week. word to your mutha

can't blame it on the "hor-mone-ees

So lately I've been a peach to be around. Folks at the job have been busting my chops and I catch myself looking fondly at my degree paperweight wishing i would never have started at this Godawful place. Life goes on though and when it all comes down to it, I'm paying the bills. I'm just in this weird funk. My agent isn't doing ish for me. I keep getting these jobs and opportunities on my own and I haven't a clue how to do the ish for real. I can only do so many non paying short films before I want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. Yes, I want to act, but I'd be doing myself a disservice by spouting goobly gaw about how I don't care for the big stuff. I want to do films that my grandma can go to the movies and see...lol. The kind that require a significant budget and give me the opportunity to look at the sets I'm on with pride and think "man I've made it, oh hi Mr. Spielberg, I didn't see you there...lunch? why sure. Let me check my calendar" There's nothing wrong with shooting big and only wanting the best....

Wedding stuff has also got me down...I love it that my childhood best friend is getting married and I'm going back home to Texas, but man it sucks that my parents are trying to put me in the middle--asking if the other will be going and all that nonsense. Who does that!? THIS is why folks shouldn't divorce...when they do that ish they create crazy irate children that want to cry for no reason at all and bite off the heads of all those that step in their path.

I counter balance that madness with my best friend's wedding. She'll send me links to reception halls and such and I just want to blink myself back to Kansas and vicariously live thru her. Ah... to plan a wedding and actually enjoy it. I'm not so sure I'll have that luxury being that I would elope if given the opportunity...no way my folks could be decent to each other...doesn't it suck to be a big kid sometimes?

I would give anything to go back to being 13! All I need/want is some cereal and some old school Saturday morning cartoons, a bike to cruise the neighborhood and I think I'd be set. The responsibilities of being an adult are for the birds I say!

I know folks are curious to hear about the film status...So I'm doing a film called "Chances Are". I play the lead, Kelly...She's this happily married woman who finds out that her husband is cheating on her...with another dude. Sorry to give it away, but you'll be watching it to see if I can actually act or not anyways so I figure it didn't matter all that much ;) It'll be on youtube.com (is that the correct spelling?) as soon as we shoot it and all that good stuff. I'll keep you posted. I met with the "husband" last weekend and we went over our lines and all that. It amazes me how I can lower all my inhibitions for acting....kissing someone you barely know is a HUGE thing for grammama! I'll let you know how it turns out. Filming begins on Sept 23rd. Fashion show for Aveda is on the 21st. :) I'll have new hair and be pretty. Can't wait. :)

Well it had been a while since I blogged. Hope this was a good catch up session ;) luv and kiwi

9-2-06 recap

so i FINALLY get to blog about the main reason i was excited to come to kc...my girl's boyfriend was proposing to her secretly :) it was so perfect ya'll...i actually arrived on friday night and so j, her boo and some of my other buds from college got together at this great restaurant that's synomomous with lawrence called freestate brewery. if you're into the beer thing it's pretty good they say.

saturday was "d day" if you will. we had a fun chill day...went down on mass and shopped, ate at this cute spot i loved during school called miltons and just hung out. for years now i've been wanting a tattoo and i just had this wild itch to get it with my girlie jen so we drove over to this cool little joint called skin illustrations on 6th street and i got tatted up! how cool is that...i got an ankh on the back of my neck...oh yeah people!

then after that we ordered in pyramid pizza...the best pizza in the world..they have this AMAZING crust that you dip in honey. i'm addicted to the stuff. the best part of the night though was going to henry's where we drank sangria and then j's boo popped the good one...he got down on one knee and my girlie started crying..it was so wonderful that he included me and his boy in the surprise. beautiful...it's been a great weekend..and it's not over yet ya'll. you'll have to check out jen's page some time this week. i'm sure she'll have some sweet and memorable pics... :) sigh love is in the air...sing it with me folks!
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