part two: colors seem to fade

7.19.2006
part two....today was a hard day. i thought i was over the hard stuff, but then i got in my car to drive home from work, turned on the radio and "goodbye my lover" came on and tears starting stinging my eyes coming in currents. i just couldn't stop...still can't stop. i've never felt so insignificant before...never. this guy couldn't just let me forgive and forget...he had to stir crap. --grace or no grace, forgiveness whatever...it can't save you from the memories that pop up and remind you that at one point when you were happy...i mean truly beautifully happy...you were really living a lie.




this situation is so bad...it's done so much damage and when i stop to think about my ability to hope for happiness it'll peak a little and then it drops....it's hard when you've seen one of the ugliest sides of a relationship or whatever that was. i mean i sit and i think about it all...the fact that he said i was ugly, insignificant....damn. how do you bounce back from that? how do you shrug off the fact that someone you trusted could say such things? things that i loved about myself, music, stories, books, food....he took all of these things and walked with them-used them...i laugh about it to friends...say "oh what a jerk" i'm strong, i'm over it, i'm cool but it's not cool. wasted time is inconsequential...the fact that i can't trust the basics anymore breaks my heart. why does this happen to people? do these type of people learn to hurt people or is it genetically evil genes?



i wish i could just touch this guy like powder does in that movie called powder (duh)...he touches people and they feel the pain of whatever he wants them to feel...i just want his heart to crush and disappear...just like mine. at one point i radiated with happiness...i hate it that someone took that from me. i hate him...



thank you mateo for being probably one of the world's top optimists...my bud from work has helped me out considerably. he's really practical and to the point..."he's an ass. he hurt you. he's not worth it. move on" i get all that. he's not important per say...he doesn't make me cry...it's what he stole that i miss. i miss that tish a lot. damn. is it just me or does james blunt's music just hurt?

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