my night in the spotlight

so last night the fam sat around the ole boob tube and watched my tv spot i did when i first moved out to los angeles...fitting for my anniversary today. happy one year for tishy!!!!! it was cool to sit and laugh and joke with those that know me best...they so recognized the faces i make in my scene. it was a little biddy role that i speaking...only thing they'll see nationally (for a while anyways) but it was still cool to get daps ya know? :)

yesterday my dad and one of my sisters left to go back home too...that was sad. we didn't plan our stays just right so i only got a couple of hours with the man. i forget how much i miss my dad at times. he's so cute and wonderful. we went to this place called mount bachelor (spelling?) and hiked and it was gorgeous (pics to come) and just hung out. i gave my cousin shell and her husband the run down on the lying cheating no good punk that cheated on me...good times. they actually met him...spent time with him and i over memorial weekend but it's all good. it won't be the last "flavor" i bring to the family lol...that's for sure.

well we're about to go put put (hee hee) and then we're going white water rafting today. i'm wearing a dress...great planning but i dont care. i'm a soldier!

family time is great. i revert back to a 14 year old again and life is swell. we were just discussing that a bit ago. my gram was impressed that i made my own yeah...even though we all got sloshed together last night...i mean we were all doing shots of tequila...with the grandparents but i still feel like a kid. just to prove it, i watched cartoons this morning when i first woke up :) i'm staying in a condo with shell, munro and my sis an....just the four of's great man. this is the life! must i go back to big kid land of liars and sneaks? (No offense to the buds i've made!)...i don't wanna!

family time

7.27.2006 i'm in oregon waiting for all of my cousins to get back from white water rafting...along with my dad and sisters. it's so crazy to hear stories of the "babies" in the family now driving...going away to college...katie freaking went sky diving! what the heck...i blinked and my family grew up. it's crazy when that happens. being in la is so weird...i grew so far apart from my family...i get in a tish bubble and just kinda forget that there are people out there that have known me since the beginning of a tish. crazy i know.

so the flight here was some what horrific. i had to get on this tiny little plane from portland to redmond and i seriously had tears coming down thinking i was going to die...for those that know me well i couldn't even grab my journal to write a farewell to those i love...yeah i was that terrified of moving a muscle. i would watch the parents grab on to their children and look out the windows and i would close my eyes and grab my chair handles. i just kept thinking it wasn't time yet...i haven't made my mark on the world's not my time. all of this for a 26 minute flippin flight. i know... but i'm not even afraid of planes and i was trippin so ya'll know this was a bumpy ride!

alright so the itinerary for tonight looks like talking with the peeps...catching up...avoiding weird stares from the locals...i don't think they've ever seen black folk up close and personal and just chillin. tomorrow i have to shop for some rafting shoes...oh yeah baby!!!

the only thing that's missing from this weekend is my weird to take the first vacation without's just not the same. i can tell it's awkward for every one. sigh...alright! good luck and good night.

work in progress

so i'm still working on getting the hate out of my heart. that's a very complicated and taxing goal ya'll. i catch myself wanting to play the boo hoo, pity me please role but it's kind of old don't you think? today i, along with my two friends from work, moved my heifa ass couch down 48 stairs, into a truck and then into a storage facility...nice. i'm a hoss for that one! it's a good finish to the end of my first year in los angeles. did ya'll know that? the 29th marks one year. how far i've come...i can remember driving out...hyperventilating to my best friend asking myself what in the world i was thinking. i had no idea what to idea i'd end up where i am now. i've had some good times, some great times and some really hard times. i'm hoping my time to shine is coming soon. i've had some hard patches...i think it's time.

i'm in eagle rock for the last night... i leave for oregon tomorrow (blog about that later) and when i get back i'll be living in a new place, free to audition like a mad dog, single...i'm ready to see just what tish merritt is capable of. i've become so dependent on others this year. no mas...

here we go!

friends make the world go round

this blog is an ode to my friends...those that remind me why i moved out to this place...those that make me laugh during lunch time...those that keep me from beating the snot out of my evil roommate...those that pick me up from the airport after i've gone on a trip...those that write me and say things such as "well while you're trying to figure out who you are now remember you can always call me, i know you pretty well"...those that are helping me frickin pack in a couple of days time...those that invite up to sacramento for lovely retreat weekends...those that remind me that i'm a good human being...there's no way i could have awesome friends like i do without being a good person. to all my peeps, i love you! i'm going to make it because of your support! best believe! i'm gonna make ya'll proud!

what did i do?

so i'm packing and my fan just stops...mind you it's 113 degrees today i start going around town...looking for fans...all sold out every where...ask my roommate if i can borrow one of her five fans...she says she can't spare one. i'm sweating while i'm writing this feeling like i'm gonna pass out bad. i really do not like that woman right now.

my rose that grew from the cement

i'm blown away by the power myspace has over folks. i am currently dealing with folks who swear that they know me and my friends based on the comments we leave each other. is that not odd for anyone? anyone?

i just thought i'd throw a little something out there...last weekend was really good for me. i woke up at the BUTT crack of dawn and got on a plane to go visit my twin and her hubby in sac town. i painted...i slept...i laughed...danced..walked and talked and got to know a new friend better. it's amazing the good fortune you can encounter from sad points in your life. i just love hanging with my girl....for some reason i'm allowed to forget the pain..i can talk about it even...but it's as if this layer of thickness prevents the stories from hitting me too hard. can't explain it, but all of that to say i loved my weekend. it hurt coming home...i encountered fire on the's too damn hot in california! and was so tired this morning i was deliriously out of it. i saw the ex who cheated on me and i started crying...i blame it on the lack of sleep. somedays are gonna be hard...some easier... i know this man! but it still bites. i'm packing up my stuff currently. no more eagle rock for me. i love this area...i really do but i am excited to move in with b....PERMANENT SLUMBER PARTY! woooo hoooo!

"i love what you've done with the place, may i have some wonder tonic"...does anyone else love the new milk commercials? :) ha! packing time!

part two: colors seem to fade

part was a hard day. i thought i was over the hard stuff, but then i got in my car to drive home from work, turned on the radio and "goodbye my lover" came on and tears starting stinging my eyes coming in currents. i just couldn't stop...still can't stop. i've never felt so insignificant before...never. this guy couldn't just let me forgive and forget...he had to stir crap. --grace or no grace, forgiveness can't save you from the memories that pop up and remind you that at one point when you were happy...i mean truly beautifully were really living a lie.

this situation is so's done so much damage and when i stop to think about my ability to hope for happiness it'll peak a little and then it's hard when you've seen one of the ugliest sides of a relationship or whatever that was. i mean i sit and i think about it all...the fact that he said i was ugly, insignificant....damn. how do you bounce back from that? how do you shrug off the fact that someone you trusted could say such things? things that i loved about myself, music, stories, books, food....he took all of these things and walked with them-used them...i laugh about it to friends...say "oh what a jerk" i'm strong, i'm over it, i'm cool but it's not cool. wasted time is inconsequential...the fact that i can't trust the basics anymore breaks my heart. why does this happen to people? do these type of people learn to hurt people or is it genetically evil genes?

i wish i could just touch this guy like powder does in that movie called powder (duh)...he touches people and they feel the pain of whatever he wants them to feel...i just want his heart to crush and disappear...just like mine. at one point i radiated with happiness...i hate it that someone took that from me. i hate him...

thank you mateo for being probably one of the world's top bud from work has helped me out considerably. he's really practical and to the point..."he's an ass. he hurt you. he's not worth it. move on" i get all that. he's not important per say...he doesn't make me's what he stole that i miss. i miss that tish a lot. damn. is it just me or does james blunt's music just hurt?

finding grace

so the last couple of weeks have been extremely challenging for me. i've learned a lot, relationship wise, about myself and now that i've learned what i needed to i feel like i can focus on the good stuff like ACTING!...and i'm so thankful for that. it took something huge obviously, but hey, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

so i had an out of body experience today...i was sitting at work, getting hyped up over the fact that i confronted my ex with the other girl and how freeing it was to finally get that off my chest when it hit me..i wasn't free. i was still caught up in hating this guy so much that i couldn't see that his pain was bringing me joy. i know i should be spitting nails and slashing tires in some people's opinion, but that's not me. i don't like the woman that i was turning into. i could stay on the war path, but it's been a decent amount of time for me...i'm trying to find my grace now. the world is full of people i will never understand...and maybe some of you will never understand this about me...assume i'm weak or too forgiving but i can't hate this turns me into a nasty person and then i lose. instead i choose to focus on the good, learn my intended lesson and move on with life knowing that i've come thru it with some sort of dignity (i faltered there for a minute) and hope for the future...i want to hold on to the hope that there's some good in someone that's gonna cross my path some day, ya know? now i feel free. finding your grace is a beautiful thing. disappointment, heartbreak, dispair..these things can at times cloud that inner voice that tells us the rational way of coping with life's problems, but thank God it's not finite!


and now for know there's a rule..."what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" BUT i figure i can give the edited version for the kiddies :) that outting was sadly needed. it was so wonderful being around fun girls that just wanted to enjoy what life has to offer. i woke up at the crack of dawn on saturday morning and headed over to my girl T's house to meet up with the rest of the girls and then we were off. we arrived at the airport early and actually sat in line with eva i was a dork-i'll admit it. i was a little freaked to have someone so close do something so cool that i want to do. EVERY body was going to vegas!

we landed and immediately hit up the hotel pool for some nice relaxing rays...only to find out las vegas was going thru a record heat wave so we sat in the pool with liquor for the whole morning..i don't know if i've ever drank that early without the heat. it was a loopy experience that's for sure :) i didn't contemplate life too much and for once that was a good thing. we napped, ate great food, layed by the pool some more, ate some more great food and then went dancing...dancing hard core until 3 something in the morning. there were cute men....but i can so tell i wasn't ready for all of that. my cuteness was very forced unfortunately. i was harboring strong mood swings lol...sigh. one of my boys from back home has a girl friend who happened to be in town so she met us up at the club and THAT was the best part..chillin with the girls and laughing over things unsaid. i didn't go to bed saturday night...we were on the early bird this morning and i've been ms zombie ever since but i loved my time in vegas. thank you G, E and T. :)

filling every LA memory i have

ok so now that my weekend is over i can openly discuss what has been bothering me for weeks. so i found out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me...and had no qualms about it apparently. he took her with him on a trip to asia...a trip he said he would be embarking on with one of his boys. i've been hurt in much the same way before and i can honestly say it doesn't get any easier. this time especially was hard because i was new to los angeles so this guy basically introduced me to the WHOLE city. i can't do or see anything right now without thinking of him unfortunately. i was expecting this huge blow up when he returned but it wasn't.  i thought i'd be full of hate and tell him off but i didn't...i don't know if vegas pooped me out or what, but i just calmly told him he hurt me and sickened me...that's all i could muster and sadly it's worse with him being home for me. i know he's close and that i can't speak to him anymore. i'm so tired of it all. i can't wait for his memory to stop slipping thru every task i do. i can't even sit in my living room without thinking of him. i'm sorry...ugh i feel so silly....don't think i don't know that it's silly...silly but still hurts like hell.

sangria and the moon

many moons ago i went with a love to find sangria and was introduced to this cheap and delicious red nectar that comes in a ghetto big round bottle. i love the stuff and for reasons unbeknownst to me i always forget i stock the stuff...i find it on the perfect nights and i sip away. i'm either in the beginning stages of being an alcoholic or i'm sophisticated chic as hell. :) i prefer the latter.

i am all packed for my vegas trip and was planning on going to bed early tonight but bravo's airing "bridget jones diary" can i pass that up? classic film there....well at least for the single woman.

all women with granny underwear need to start a club. i'm finding it hysterical that this guy seriously looks her right in the face and lies to her about mark darcy having an affair with his fiance when it was him all along....and she even said that she wasn't fond of the guy. there was NO reason for him to lie. ugh. liars are a boil on my butt i say!

as they are for a lot of people i suspect...funny how bitter women always think they're the only ones that have ever been shagged royally in places we care not to speak of :) "very bad man between my thighs" hee hee...who came up with the word bitter anyways? am i truly bitter or just more aware of bull shit that's thrown my way? good question i suspect.

i don't know if i'm just "warm" from the wine or if i've just never noticed that this movie IS my's crazy. b is laughing at me currently because she thinks i'm truly watching it for the first eyes or whatever. the sangria is kicking in. :)

instead of a man kicking me in the arse i choose vodka...and chaka khan...perfect movie.

alright. i'm waking up at the butt crack of dawn to meet up with some great gals for my weekend of liberation. being a single young woman has its benefits i must say.

she-vi rules

i'm so sick of craptastic people messing with my girls! one of my girls has an ex husband that's THE most immature scum of the earth i've ever met. he's the type of guy that never grew up (character wise). my friend is so freaking caring and giving and she's got more patience than half of los angeles combined...and he totally takes advantage of that crap...if he were my ex his tires would be slashed on a regular basis...better be glad he didn't marry the ghetto chick!

ok nuff energy wasted on the weak minded. tomorrow is the day all my nerves are put to rest...closure. sorry to be so vague...more juicy details will be revealed shortly. (evil laugh) i'm at a point right now though that i'm finally getting back to la basics. modeling has got to happen for me so that i can start doing what i love!

i'm so ready to go to las vegas this weekend...even if it's only for one night it's good to just let go and be wild. i'll come up with a name for my saturday night...just wait. ;)

too cool to settle suckas!

so someone from work today asked me how it was possible for me to get over my heartbreak so answer to that came in two parts...first of all who said i'm over it? i feel like the most cynical woman on the face of the planet right now. second part: i can't mope around for long. it's not my style and i seriously have to focus on the dreams i came out here to do dang it...a relationship would have been great and groovy to help me with the hard, love, yadda yadda BUT i CAN still do it alone. duh. so there's my answer. :)

today was a good day. any day i get to go get my eyebrows waxed is a good day. i feel pretty and hairless again. i sat there and told the chick who does my waxes the whole story of what this dude did to me and she frickin felt so bad for me she gave me this half hour massage that was i should grieve more often at spas! i did have an aha moment maybe hypothetically i do find someone some day. now with out a doubt i know what i want and what i don't want...i know what to look for as well when weeding out the a holes so maybe my next go around will be a good one....IF there is one that is. :)

ok my home dawg from work wants me to watch this soccer flick with elijah wood that's supposed to rock. i'm about to put it in and enjoy being a cool hairless diva that is too good to settle for shitty boys. :)

vegas and tahoe and oregon oh my!

so all i can say is my friends are the bomb diggidy! i know i've been debbie downer for quite some time but cut me some slack, i had my heart smashed a little bit, kinda hard, wallopped into the dust and it's gonna take some time to pick up all the pieces, dust 'em off and put it back together. the beautiful part is i don't have to do that nasty little task alone...i've got these wonderful people in my life that are coming at me from every direction. today out of the blue my girl T sends me a text asking me to jump on the vegas bandwagon...i of course was trying to get the heck out of dodge this weekend because my best girl b is going to vegas for a bachelorette party and i had no clue how i would function being stuck at home alone for an entire weekend so the idea of vegas was sounding pretty darn it's a total swingers type of thing...we'll call it research for a future film i may be in. then just a moment ago my twin from some other kin calls me up and is bringing me to her humble abode for a nice littl trip next weekend...tahoe here we come! she did warn me that her and her hubbie are going to give me a little lecture...i assume this has to do with picking the oh so wrong guy and then not telling my twin from some other kin about this oh so wrong guy...gulp. i'll take it like a souljah i will!  i've never been so it'll be a nice new and fresh journal recent ones have been unbearable i must say.  then after that is my glorious family reunion with my dad's side of the family...white water rafting...clean! the last weeks of july are gonna be so good for my soul. i'm beaming now and it hasn't even begun!  it's crazy how jumbled my emotions currently are but i'd rather have it like this then just plain old sadness any day! my goals for the week...start the moving procedures...need a truck, someone to lift my beast of a couch down the stairs and some storage....oh yeah i guess some boxes too...then i have to take glamorous no makeup bikini shots to submit to some modeling agencies. it's time to get out from behind that nasty office desk i'm in. if i can make good mulah while moving closer to acting i'm gonna take it. Bet!. so here we's practically tuesday. this week is flying by don't you think?! :)

dog whisperer

i am in love with ceaser, the dog whisperer! i haven't laughed this hard in weeks ya'll! i recommend if you're feeling low pick up your tv guide and find out when the next dog whisperer comes on. this little chuahuaua is seriously this divo of the house and ceaser comes in and handles the business yo!

i'm in love! :) sigh....

my how the tables turn

man it's weird how many emotions i can go thru ... last night before i went to bed i seriously had a mel gibson "lethal weapon 1" moment...the crying scene...yeah that one. then i woke up this morning feeling great...i jammed to "bohemian rhapsody" on the way to work and just felt like loving was great. before i left for work i was reading my journal and it just didn't seem right to mourn a period of time that i wasn't all that happy in anyways so i decided to just get on with life and i honestly felt like i had taken a load off so i was having a good ole time...songs were playing and i was feeling 'em like never before...kelly clarkson's "behind these hazel eyes came on" and i was rockin out! ha....but alas i'm not 100% bionic woman just yet. i went and saw "pirates of the caribbean" tonight (which was good duh!) and i got a little weirded out...doing things i used to do with a certain someone are kind of weird for me but i know time will kick that in the bud.  i can't wait to get back to the point where i go to watch the darn movie and sit there figuring out how i can get there too. lol...that day isn't too far off. it's 10:30 on a friday night and i'm pooped. captain jack took it out of me i'm afraid. is that savvy?

thank you nina simone...

Sit there and count your fingers

What can you do

Old girl you're through

Sit there, count your little fingers

Unhappy little girl blue.

Sit there and count the raindrops

Falling on you

It's time you knew

All you can ever count on

Are the raindrops

That fall on little girl blue

Won't you just sit there

Count the little raindrops

Falling on you

'Cause it's time you knew

All you can ever count on

Are the raindrops

That fall on little girl blue

No use old girl

You might as well surrender

'Cause your hopes are getting slender and slender

Why won't somebody send a tender blue boy

To cheer up little girl blue

for the first time

i seriously don't understand my heart at all. i've been going thru one of the hardest two weeks of my life and the little guy just keeps on ticking when he should have broken for good days ago.

there are just some things that even i can't blog about and for the first time i can't blog about the pain i've been experiencing...all i can say is it's highs and lows, no sleep, hardly eating. man...california is getting harder and harder. not even butterscotch pudding could cheer me up. i love my friends for being there and giving me all kinds of encouragement that time will heal all but the thing is i know time will heal the pain--it's that honestly sincere bitterness that i know won't easily shake off that kills me. life is so short and human beings are such beautiful unique creatures...why would anyone want to purposely destroy something so necessary in a person--(their joy)?

i haven't told you why my heart has broke and that's another first...i won't. it's not important anymore-the person that did it is slowly becoming not important as well...."unhappy little girl"--nina simone

i'm sick of trying to think of something related to my acting too. i'm still submitting every day. it's not like i'm neglecting the reason i moved out here in the first place. i just don't see why i can't have more than acting...a personal life is pretty darn important in my book too. that's all i have to say about that.

i just wanna be me

a couple of years ago i figured out why i loved acting so much. it gave me the chance to openly express emotions that we, in the real world, have been taught to supress in public. i can cry and show hurt, i can show love, pride, my pride being shattered, etc. and it's considered this beautiful art. i love human emotions...even more so, i love when i can fabricate them instead of really living them. :)

something happened this week that hurt me pretty bad. the ripples of it will be felt for quite some time and so i did what any girl would do when she's down. i went out with my girls and listened as they told their stories and gave their opinions...i even spoke to a couple of my guy friends and the reoccuring theme was that you have to play games in order to maintain relationships in life. the whole, don't let someone really get to know you, don't give them your all, etc. my dilemma is we're out here in the world to find someone that we can really connect with. when we feel we may have found someone we start to let go and open up and it's this beautiful thing. if you're not allowed to do that then how is that ever gonna work? how are you ever gonna truly experience life? i enjoy giving my friends all i've got when i've got it and this whole trust and being open thing is such a grey area for me right now. is it naive to say that i just want to be me? it doesn't mean i'm weak or desperate. it just means i value a person enough to give them my truth...

sister girls, i'm no longer your "guru" i'm sorry. give me some time and maybe she'll come back :)

faith in time

i've typed and deleted this blog three times now. i have no idea what to say for once. i'm still kinda bummed all around about where my life is right now but there's always an underlying hope and knowledge that things will get better. it's perfect how time heals everything. some day i'll look back at all this hard stuff and forget why it was hard. that will be my gift to myself...the act of forgetting but retaining the good stuff that helped me get to where i needed to be. so right now i'm just keeping the faith
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