i never expected this

5.04.2006
i never expected that it would be this hard. i can take the rejection and the trial and error associated with the acting world, but i can't take it that i can't afford to live. i  just got back from the auto shop...a visit i thought would result in some power steering fluid being replaced is in fact my ball joints...very expensive little pieces of metal that had me crying so hard in front of a man i don't even know it was unreal. $828.32.....balljoints and of course tires because mine are wiped..they were wiped after coming to los angeles but i've been holding out because i had bigger fish to pay for. my mom who is currently looking for a job had to help me out...i feel like a failure. i should be taking care of my mother, not the other way around and what's up with my car? this is the car i bought with my dad's money he left for me when he passed. i don't know why but i thought it would last me forever...i just can't imagine using something of his and then that something just going away. i feel like i wasted it now. that's never a good feeling. plus my roommate tells me it's time to move because i refuse to pay as much as she wants to start charging me come august 1st...it's not that i'm being stubborn, i just seriously don't have the money. who would after the car repairs i've funded in the last two months?!  so yeah. i'm out and at this point it may be a blessing. a good friend of mine said i could stay with her for as long as i needed. another friend has a place he's trying to rent out. maybe i'll take the stupid couch that i have..the only piece of furniture i own and move into his little studio and call it a day for a while. we'll see. at this point i just need to sleep. take advantage of this forced vacation day i just took. i want to write oprah so bad and just tell her to help me. lol...isn't that lazy and ignorant of me? " i don't know you but help me please because i feel like my situation is bad..although i know there are far worse scenarious people are going thru... yep. i'm still convinced i want her help :)

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