i've got a penny with a hole in it

today i had a lowest of the low. i was made fun of for eating cereal for dinner..while i tried to play it off like i meant to do this...craved it or whatever, in all actuality it's because i'm broke as heck! maybe i should surround myself with other poor people that actually get how hard this crap is. i felt kind of dumb..and even more dumb that i used a gift card from my boss to buy my friend dinner at mcdonalds..i just felt bad cuz he ALWAYS hooks me up so i didn't tell him i have absolutely no money. sometimes i wonder if i'm supposed to learn a lesson from all this. at one time i had money at my disposal...never had to worry at all and i totally took advantage of that comfort zone. then i think that God probably doesn't punish us and teach us lessons like my parents would do and that i just got lucky for a brief time in my life and now it's over. i haven't given into that notion 100% yet...it'll be a scary day when i do though...scary day.

tomorrow i have an interview for a new acting class workshop place. hopefully it goes well and they don't want to charge an arm and a leg cuz honestly.... I CAN'T AFFORD IT!

i was supposed to clean my nasty apartment today, get my bills together but i have no energy after a 10 hour day at work. i'm gonna try to go to a networking event for actors next tuesday. who knows...my motto from now on is gonna be "why not".....who knows right?!

yesterday....seems so far away

sigh....the weekend is officially over. i had a killer day at the spa today. this place was uber amazing and i feel great now. talk about one of the best weekends of my life. the guy i'm seeing right now just called to tell me he was glad i lived it up. you can tell i've been rejuvenated. i was about to blow my top before last friday...sigh. last friday was great....great start to the weekend. saw x men...great stuff! loved it! and after that the weekend just took off. i've never smiled, laughed, exhaled, screamed so much in my life! i hate to see this weekend pass by but alas. at least i'm bloggin the stuff so that i can come back and remember fondly from time to time. i had so much fun kickin it today with my roomie and a good friend of ours. we talked about life, laughed over our stupid mistakes, our current mistakes...just enjoyed female company...and some other women's i must say cuz i sho wasn't expecting to see a bunch of naked females in the women's changing rooms there just walking around with their ish out. i'm sorry, the grammama in me still has to cover up. ha! "i didn't grow up in a naked home"...where did that line come from?!!!

ok. it's 10:00. time for bed. i'm gonna sleep good tonight dang it. good bye weekend. i've seriously loved every minute of your time. please come back around soon, k?!

i'm in love

i fell in love this weekend. it's never happened before in my lifetime. people have asked me before if i've ever loved enough to move and i never understood that concept until i went to san diego this weekend and fell in love with a little place called la jolla. oh my gosh that is THE first vacation i've ever taken that i've come back from feeling 100% refreshed. it was so beautiful and chill and dope. for the first time ever i feel there's a place i want to retire to. i never got it when people said they had to live here, had to live there...yadda yadda. i get it now. so the first night my friend and i got in we went out and met up with my cuz who i haven't seen in almost 10 years...it was mad crazy cool. we went to this cool club that i sadly can not remember the name of but it was in the gas lamp district. i had mojitos since i was on vacation (wink) and then ended it with glass after glass of cosmos which are strategic (i just need to feel good and sloshed) drinks. my cuz is dating this really interestingly cool new zealand cat who had brought a friend from scottland who plays on his rugby team and this girl from ireland. now my friend can drink like a fish...he's the mexican great brown hope in that frickin department BUT these dudes seriously gave him a run for his money....it was a good thing we had taken a cab out there cuz it was seriously typsy tishy time that night. we just laughed and caught up, danced and caught up some more. it's a been a long time since i've gotten to kick it with family and quite fun to tell people that the cute little white cameron diaz looking chick beside me was indeed my cuz. i ate killer seafood all weekend long, stayed in the most beautiful hotel room, slept like a baby because of the ocean air...great weather, played in this park near the beach....ugh. it was just heaven. i was seriously about to cry when it was time to leave yesterday evening...but alas all good things come to an end. i have to go back though. the place is like a serious drug. love at first visit is pretty dope, but i gotta go back to make sure this is real love :)

as for today- i'm being treated to this day spa thing. this is gonna rock and exactly what i needed so that i could prolong the "memorial weekend rocks!" euphoric feeling i've been bouncing along to. massages, facials and some sun...ya can't beat that!

prying eyes want to know

ha! some guy randomly commented on my last blog...embarrassingly enough he chose one in which i was seriously having a bitter moment. i love blogs. i refuse to be a twerp and take what i said back either lol...yes, i still think my perspective on love sucks, but today it's not the most important thing in my life. :) how about that! i'm going to san diego for memorial weekend! oh yes...and it will be the bomb! be on the lookout for the chronicles of tish in diego! wooo hoooo!

surrounded but lonely

why is it that some get lucky from the get go? they date a couple of times in their youth and then BAM find someone while others wait years for something, anything and some times still never find the one? life can be an unlucky pain in the arse. tonight i heard a jet blue commercial for a girl who was proposed to on one of the company's planes...i caught myself saying "eh it'll fail shut up" and that's when i knew i was bitter. when did that happen?


is anyone out in cyberspace watching oprah's special on her legends party? i swear i can't stop the tears from coming. i can remember being a little girl, sitting in my sunny little bedroom and reading my book _I dream a World_...looking at all the pictures of these great awe inspiring black women of strength and wanting to be them...to have the guts, the strength, the beauty to create lives the way they did and tonight i'm watching a lot of these same women sitting at Oprah's luncheon while she thanks them all in this magical way. i wish i could have been there. i wish, i hope ya'll i can make that kind of mark...i saw these women and wanted to be like them...decent role models don't you think? someone's art can be so powerful, so influencial...these women..."so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal they cannot be comprehended."

the color purple

im watching an interview with oprah about how she fell in love with alice walker's color purple. i love that woman...she read the book and knew she had found someone who got her...she had to be in the color purple...i love her and that darn story....love it.

that book was more than a book or movie...it was a blueprint...hopefully the blueprint i took from it will help me in the same ways it's helped oprah.

no title

i wonder if los angeles is changing me. if i am just a classic little fish in a big pond... the big fish in the little pond gone wrong. life's so abstract here. i go thru the rounds of every day life. there's nothing really tangible that forces the tish i'm used to to come out. i was once the friend that was deep and wise...capable of giving sound advice and people actually following it. i was strong, intelligent, talented and driven and here in los angeles i don't think that i necessarily exude those qualities as much. today for the first day i've actually had pangs to have a tish day....back when i was in kc i'd wake up every sunday...straighten up my space and then spend the day with myself...i'd go see a movie, grab some chai tea, read outside on my balcony...i lived for my sundays, but here i'm just kinda lost. it's so weird. the audition the other day totally helped bring me back...i had forgotten what that hunger to act tasted like...it's so deep in me...close ups of passion and emotional highs and lows...creating characters-moving on, creating more...creating period. this life has to happen. it has to happen.

i think i'm gonna go down to the starbucks down the street and bring my book and read some. some times ya just gotta escape.

my first audition

so my first audition was interesting. lol. first of all i could NOT find the darn place..i seriously had to call four times to get the directions cuz she kept goofin me up. i made it though, handed over my make shift resume and headshot (a little 4x6 and printed resume i printed out 10 min before) and grabbed the sides to begin to study. it was a really interesting piece....kind of shakespearean actually which is funny cuz i just finished telling this guy at my job that i REFUSED to do shakespeare...just not my bag. this was decent though...poetic.

i asked for some background information on the short film so the director gave me some detail. it's an interesting film about people of color trying to make it in hollywood...smart. very intelligent. afterwards he asked me to talk about myself...so i mentioned this was my first audition and then he asked how long i had been in la...(warning tish!!! this is where you lie so you don't look like a complete loser!) i say the honest, "i've been here since august 1st." and he immediately asks "and you're just now getting an audition?" like i'm some sort of freak...not good tish. i really have to work on my interviewing skills.

he seemed really cool though and after his breakdown i totally took a different spin on my reading so hopefully i stood out a little :) i wasn't nervous at all beforehand....actually i was upset that i wasn't...i've started to become jaded to acting since i've been out of the game for so long...i'd pimp myself for any role right about now but this audition totally brought me back to my basic love...how i had missed her. little bits of acting life here and there refresh me like you wouldn't believe...the stars are back in my eyes. :)

brain block

dude tish! write things down! i had this great idea for a freaking screenplay....i mean AMAZING. i was going to pass it along to a friend that writes and hope for the best and i've forgotten the WHOLE idea....um yeah...write ish down! i can't even think of a speck of it. i'm perturbed right now. i have this weird compulsive thing i do too where i can't let it go until i think of it..it'll be days and i'll still be on it. why must we only use only a portion of our brain's potential?! doh!

happy mama's day

it's my mo's day and i can't be with her...there are definite ups and downs to going off on your own--especially if you're a momma's girl to the 10th power.

i called her this morning and we laughed and giggled for an hour or so. luckily the flu is passing and i had enough strength to even talk on the phone. yeah i thought i'd go into remission yesterday. i tried going outside...grabbing some sun and about passed out. nice. back to the couch i went. i swear i kissed that darn piece of furniture at least three times...i'm glad i got it now. i can't imagine being sick and having to lie on the wicker furniture :(

so everyone knows i've been poor, down and out all that jazz so i couldn't send my mom's day gift before..i get to send it this week when i'm paid (i'm on the verge of crying over that ish so don't say nuffin!) so i'm looking for the perfect pic to go with my gift..one of my mom and me when i was little and i start finding all this other stuff documenting my life and it sent me on this great memory trip. i found some great quotes too...funny how things that hit you one day can leave a completely different and sometimes stronger impact another....here's one of the quotes:

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can't get there by bus, only by hard work, risking, and by not quite knowing what you're doing. What you discover will be wonderful--yourself"

--Alan Alda

it made my day

people get sick in la?

ok so yesterday was a cool chill day....well rather warm which is why i didn't think anything of the nauseated pangs i kept experiencing...i just associated it with warm weather changes and called it a night...i worked late...getting home at 8 and then went straight to bed...woke up at 10 and was up the rest of the night with a nasty case of a flu bug. i tell ya, when you're alone and battling sickness by yourself it's the worst. no one to grab you some gatorade from the store or bring you crackers. i had to call my mom a thousand something miles away just to find out the procedure of when i could start drinking liquids again. i feel like crap and look even worse. the situation totally reminds me of an episode of sex and the city where samantha, miss independent, gets sick and finds out her relationships in life suck cuz no one's there for her. it's taken all my strength just to get out of bed to write this damn thing. ugh. it may sound dumb but i didn't think people got the flu in california lol...it's too pretty and the weather is too nice...back to bed i go. i have a feeling this weekend is going to be lonely and sucktastic. i've never had good luck with people babying me when i'm sick. my whole life i was the oldest that had to look out for the two young ones underneath me...when i was sick my mom assumed i could take it like a g...i can't. i want someone bringing me soup and telling me i'm a poor baby. hmph. i'm going back to bed. hour 4 without getting sick...wahoooo! maybe it's starting to pass!
i'm watching casanova. this is HILARIOUS. i can't wait to be in films! ha! i can't wait!

this type of entertainment is the only thing keeping me going right now. i have $30 to last two weeks...and some lovely credit cards for gas...i've started a little game....lets see how long it takes before tishy breaks. can brokeness (yes i know that's not a word!) break or make stronger? today i'm highly optimistic. i think being broke has its benefits. i'm getting creative :)

i do think this is quite unfortunate for any attempt at a love life though. i've always been under the impression that i have to bring something to the table as well..so the fact that i'm a struggling actress working as a modern day slave at an insurance company of all places is highly worthy of anything swell. independent and free in the same regard...that's all. ok movie's getting good. ta ta for now.

whateva whateva

like jill scott says, it's "whateva whateva" today. nothing hot and bothering to report. i just had a chill day. my agent did want me to come in and sign some documents, but alas i''m broke and gas is stupid so i told him to fax that stuff to me lol...he did. i've signed the stuff before. organization is key with a type A personality like myself...he frankly makes me nervous...makes my butt twitch just a little. i'll let him try to get things together though. :) patience and hope...patience and hope. i also have to call back this woman and set up a meeting time to get into these new acting classes, tvi or something like that...casting agents teach the darn thing so i figure i'd stick my face into the mix. why not.

i actually have tried to follow up with angela nissel's 'people' but i haven't heard any responses back as of yet. i did read that she's currently in the process now of writing the dang first show. i'm hoping i planted "write this part with tish in mind" in her brain so that i'm the first to get a call. ya gotta use someone unknown...it's gotta be like chris rock's show, ya know what i mean vern? well that's my wishful thinking attempt anyways. :) ya'll can check out all the info on her and her the tv progress on angelanissel.com and if you ever get the urge to write her and tell her that i'm perfect because not only am i mixed, i'm also broke as well then hey, go ahead and do just that! :)

for the bookworms, i'm currently reading _on beauty_ which happens to be a dang good book. i suggest picking it up.

mission impossible

ok so for the last week or so i have been keeping a big secret that's been killin me...i was helping one of my best bud's moms plan a surprise party for her...and this girl was TERRIBLY hard to sneak around...she kept trying to create her own plans for the big night. i thought i was gonna have to shake her up until the last minute before she opened the door and heard "SURPRISE" belt out. i had to keep my girl at the mall for four hours....me. the one with NO money in the bank had to pretend like shopping was my life. it was lovely let me tell ya. ;) lol...i had the time of my life though. the look on her face was priceless and we got some cool time to kick it together. that night we ate good food, took 'a couple' of shots of tequila and vodka and got happy :) all in all it was a great night...i heard i said some not so nice things to my buds...ugh. i HATE being the annoying drunk but for the most part it was cool. i woke up this morning at 10 feeling disorientated and sore lol..perfect for a night of wild partying and dancing. your buds only turn 27 once lol...ya gots to celebrate.

today i went and saw mission impossible too. after my mission possible it was nice to cut back and relax with a movie....so i thought. that movie was so intense! it was great though. i never saw the first two but i've heard that it's the best and i totally could still follow the plot so i recommend it totally! even with annoying tom cruise it was all to the good ;)

i never expected this

i never expected that it would be this hard. i can take the rejection and the trial and error associated with the acting world, but i can't take it that i can't afford to live. i  just got back from the auto shop...a visit i thought would result in some power steering fluid being replaced is in fact my ball joints...very expensive little pieces of metal that had me crying so hard in front of a man i don't even know it was unreal. $828.32.....balljoints and of course tires because mine are wiped..they were wiped after coming to los angeles but i've been holding out because i had bigger fish to pay for. my mom who is currently looking for a job had to help me out...i feel like a failure. i should be taking care of my mother, not the other way around and what's up with my car? this is the car i bought with my dad's money he left for me when he passed. i don't know why but i thought it would last me forever...i just can't imagine using something of his and then that something just going away. i feel like i wasted it now. that's never a good feeling. plus my roommate tells me it's time to move because i refuse to pay as much as she wants to start charging me come august 1st...it's not that i'm being stubborn, i just seriously don't have the money. who would after the car repairs i've funded in the last two months?!  so yeah. i'm out and at this point it may be a blessing. a good friend of mine said i could stay with her for as long as i needed. another friend has a place he's trying to rent out. maybe i'll take the stupid couch that i have..the only piece of furniture i own and move into his little studio and call it a day for a while. we'll see. at this point i just need to sleep. take advantage of this forced vacation day i just took. i want to write oprah so bad and just tell her to help me. lol...isn't that lazy and ignorant of me? " i don't know you but help me please because i feel like my situation is bad..although i know there are far worse scenarious people are going thru... yep. i'm still convinced i want her help :)

myspace judgement calls

um, my roommate is a professor and she just informed me that usc and pepperdine both look at people's myspace pages in order to weed out who's in and who isn't...one boy was even supposedly suspended for having a pic of him drinking (under age) is this a nasty urban legend? i mean come on.... i'm going to get a job based on the friends i have? not that i won't take someone off my page with the  quickness for indecent pics but still...

a day without a conscious

so i totally felt like a bad person for going into work today. i was driving in and there was NO ONE on the freeways...i got to work in 20 or so minutes...it usually takes me an hour...AND there was heavy fog. it was crazy...while i should have been happy i wasn't. i felt sad that i wasn't doing anything to participate in something that could radically change the way we see and treat immigrants in this country. the sad thing was most of the people that did come into work today were totally ignorant and insensitive to what was going on...i heard on two different occasions some ignorant person going up to a person assumed by the other to be mexican and thus immigrant and saying "thank you for coming into work today"...one such instance happened in the restroom. i just wanted to slap the lady..."thank you for coming into work to pick up my t.p. i accidentally threw on the frickin floor while i'm wiping my butt..." was what she basically meant...whatever. i'm kinda disappointed in myself.

i just had a killer nosebleeed...lol. i know, i'm a nerd. the weather's changing..it's dry... i don't know but im suffering from a major headache now...damn! must go to bed. ciao folks.


so i was going to go on my walk this morning and my walking buddy sent me a message saying it was too foggy and dangerous. i went back to bed. lol. i'll have to do it this afternoon when there's no fog sigh....

i'm writing this out though which means i really am serious! just in case ya'll were wondering...
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