friends with poems

my friend on here, a.scension sent me this poem by lainia a while back and it just continues to stick in my's beautifully painful. check it out:


all I wanna kno is, did I hurt people?

did I take their luv & smash it against the windows of their souls?

did i violate someone?

did i rape revolutionaries?

did i steal from churches and temples?


could I have done to deserve meeting u?

was i a wrongful war veteran? did i sell drugs?

did i squeal on nat turner?

was i an overseer? did i make babies with my own children?


could i have ever done to deserve meeting u?

did i pimp children? did i willingly sleep with massah tom?

did i help frame gravey?

did i sell black people to white people for their pleasure?

did i help guide the goddamn ships in?


could i possibly have done to deserve meeting u

thighs of thunder

ok so it's hell season, otherwise known as wedding season and lucky for me i have a close childhood friend who happens to be getting married. i'm taking it like a g this year though...i'm just gonna roll thru the punches.  i went to the stinkin bridal store to get measured and all that jazz today and lucifer herself told me that i no longer hold the cute measurements that got me into modeling years thighs are now gasp 6 inches bigger than they were. so yeah i know i should embrace my thickness and call it a day BUT i'm trying to make it into the 'business'...nicole kidman is my height and 20 pounds under me right much to my chagrin i'm gonna turn into one of those darn healthy people and actually start exercising...sigh groan gasp. yes, my best friend will jump for joy-she's this big fitness guru that's been on my case for years but jeez...did i have to be drop kicked into doing it? damn the ladies with measuring equipment in cute lil stores for prom kids. i am waking up at 5:00 in the stinkin morning tomorrow to go walk...which will turn into running and a gym pass by the end of the week. i better get mad buff ya'll!

my stupid car

why doesn't car insurance work like health insurance? you walk into the joint, get the work done and then pay your $25 deductible and be done with it. i'm too poor for this ish. i was enjoying my beautiful saturday afternoon when my gears started going berzerk and my car began to lurch...don't you just love how much we depend on these contraptions?! i wanted to go look at cute summer shoes at cheap stores, drop by ikea and look for a cute book stand but alas. i'm a prisoner. does anyone have any thoughts on certified used cars versus new ones? i'm researching hondas right now. i was totally bent on getting a prius but they're really expensive and are expensive to maintaine...not to mention my credit could be in the pits right now...gulp...not really worth the 20 miles of extra gas ya know. i'd love to hear your thoughts. hit me up!


ok so i'm waiting for my couch to arrive so i flip on the tele and watch "date your mom" or whatever that mtv reality tv show is and the mom tells this girl that her daughter picks her nose and then tells the camera "she likes to dig for that green gold" i'm gonna throw up in my mouth a little but it was funnier than a mug! what can i say?

so this is another chill weekend for me. i'm gonna hit up ikea later and look for cute stuff for my space (be girlie) and then i think my boy v and i might see that new movie, akeelah and the bee. i've been waiting to see it for a while now.

as for acting updates. i got really REALLY frustrated the other night and kinda chewed out my agent a little. i was just upset that he gave me this stupid web site and told me good luck basically so i asked if he's going to help at he writes back and all of a sudden my pics are up like they should have been and he wants me to come back in to sign some things...hmm...maybe you do have to be a diva in hollywood. this is my life! i can't be ms. nice girl anymore!

my girl sent me my favorite candies, cinnamon bears so i'm chomping away on them and enjoying life. it's groovy.

ah. side note.i fobfoed really bad the other day on a friend of mine...totally freaked out before finding out and when i found out the real news it was nothing to be alarmed over...lesson in point: work on the fobfo

closer to my dream

i'd like to think that the song i now have on my profile is foreshadowing things to come...

am i getting closer to my dream? i just sent my pics off for this web site my agent told me i have to post up with called la casting. it all seems so out of my reach and unattainable right now. so close and yet so far...

i realize that i've focused way too much on personal relationships here in los angeles...less attention on my actual purpose for being here. i can't help it though, i'm a hopeless romantic and the idea of closing out dating and all that is terribly depressing BUT relationships don't seem to be doing me very much good. they just distract me...whether they're working or not. my big thing is making it without having to be a robot in all other aspects of my life.

so close to my dreams...i have no idea how to live the life i've chosen for myself. i have no clue what to do when i wake up in the morning. it's all scary and intimidating. i feel like a little girl lost in a big adult world. no paragraph to humor the moment...nothing cute to end this with. that's just it. i'm lost and scared right now

p.s. for today

shevi and sangria....great combination :)

davinci code

oh my female goddess!

that book was utterly amazing. i could not put it down. i tried my hardest not to read it. i wasn't trying to drink the emperor's kool-aid, but i finally succumbed due to the dang movie coming out with my darling tom hanks and i'm glad i did. i won't say anything about the book (I'M NOT THAT MEAN!) but i will say that it brought my imagination back in full force. i haven't zoned that hard over a book in years. great writing totally inspires me and gets me going. i think that's exactly what i needed to shake my "best friend leaving blues". if you haven't read the book please do so. i know some shy from the subject matter, so if for nothing else read it simply because it's written extremely well and will keep you on the edge of whatever until the very LAST page. it's that crazy good! ha! thanks jen for making me wait until the end. you're a good best bud :)


i just got back from dropping my girlie off at LAX. i'm sad. i've been getting a little teary eyed for a week now just thinking about having to drop her off for the final time. it's always hard. this is the same girl that i would cry hard over when she'd just leave to go back to her college that was four hours away...the fact that we're thousands of miles apart now should tell ya that today i will not be a happy camper. she's at the airport waiting for her flight, but my friend is gone. :(

this weekend was really cool though. on friday we went to her awards ceremony. if i didn't mention it before my girl is a brilliant writer. she's an assistant editor for a magazine back home. she was nominated for an article she did over steroids. very nice...although she didn't win that night i was freaking so proud. it was cool to sit back and watch her interact with these other writers and publishers. i love having talented friends!!!! saturday we woke up EXTREMELY early cuz she's still on kansas city crack time and we went to breakfast in old town..this little italian restaurant i love called mi piace. then we went to starbucks, went shopping down on eagle rock blvd cuz they have cute lil boutiques, then we went to the getty together and just had fun making up stories of these classical paintings that (i apologize) were quite borring initially. the stories were great though ya'll. :) i wasn't too impressed by the art work but the museum itself was beautiful and being up that high (yes i, tish, was up high without hyperventilating to death) was actually surreal. after the museum we went shopping cuz jen needed polka dots like she needed air (i'm still trying to figure out this craving) so we hit up a mall, then went grocery shopping at this beautiful store that i'm obsessed with where we bought lovely food to make these salmon burgers and these zuchini and tomato tart things. it was all really really good.

i took her to the chalet-this little bar that i love to visit from time to time. we had cosmos..i tried to get my fortune read but then chickened anyone else scared of that ish? thanks michele for the "you have no fortune" story!

all in all it was a great weekend to just hang with my girl one on one and just catch up like we used to. at one time we were in school together. we lived ten minutes away and life was perfect. it's weird to imagine where we've turned up in our life and how we may never live close to each other again. i need a nap. too much to handle at 8 on a sunday morning

harsh review

so i'm sitting here, eating my cinnamon toast crunch cereal and watching the morning news before work and of course since i live in los angeles there's no such thing as hard or 'real' news...i'm watching american idol recaps, tom kat stuff and a bit on julia roberts making her debut on broadway. i'm sitting there watching the b roll of her performance and it was crazy, she acts on stage like me...i can't explain's not a good thing ( lol) the reviews spout such comments as "she's a lamppost, too stiff..." yeah lol. maybe she's my twin more than i thought. i had a dream last night that i met this random guy thru my 'dream boyfriend' who doesn't exist and he asked about my acting. i said film and he said that was a hefty little goal...i said i couldn't help it-had felt that way since i was four and had tried to banish the thoughts and try for a 'real' job...he said he could respect that and then i woke up. go figure.

stuck between a rock and a hard place

my dad just sent me a letter stating i should always try to see the bright side of things. it cheered me up and gave me a little bit more umph to see me thru the rest of this day. gotta love parents. i'm scared ya'll. i don't really know if i'm going to make it. i think my agent is whack and if i sit around all day waiting for him to help me i'm going to be out here doing nothing for years and years. i don't know where to start though. my job's inhibiting me i know but money is scary right now...especially when my car keeps coming up with new and interesting ways to suck my money dry. how does this work? i'm scared for the first time. i've never been stuck like this before with no imagination or sense to see my way out of it. i seriously need a sugar daddy lol...ya'll think i'm lying. how else do peeps make it out here? i need one that actually wants sugar help me out and i'll give you a cup of sugar a does that sound? :) hee hee...i can't keep sleeping off pending thoughts of doom though. i have to start acting on something. i just don't know where to begin.

best friends and texas T's

this was a great weekend! i took off thursday and friday to spend time with my boy like i mentioned before but friday was rainy and nasty....didn't get to go back to the beach, my car had to go back into the shop and so i had to walk home in the rain cuz the car guy didn't offer to take me home lol. but i got to sit and play with my lil homie, jay, my girl's son and then i went and picked up my boy and we headed down the 405 to get my girl. it was cool because they get along like they've known each other for years. i was loving that stuff up. we went to this cute little italian restaurant down off of lankershim i believe where the staff sings and chowed down on some good grub and sat and talked until the staff was blowing out the candles to go home. we took ole boy home and then we went back and played giggly girls until three in the morning. the next day we shopped until we literally dropped in old town pasadena for an outfit my girlie can wear to an awards ceremony she gets to attend next weekend back here in los angeles (you got it. i get her two weekends in a row!) so we did that...ate at my favorite burger joint in the world, went and saw this crazy weird movie called brick at the arc light theater and then my boy did a fine job of showing her the parts of los angeles you don't usually get to see as a tourist..the cool lil spots that give LA its character. we ate at this sushi place on sunset called miyagi's that's famous and then went to this bar called the Saddleranch (i believe) where my girl was introduced to the oh so nice "Texas T"..this huge drink that left her quite the tipsy one..then we picked up a friend who was getting out of a play and went to yet another bar/lounge that another friend hipped me to a couple of weeks ago called "magnolia". it's in pasadena. it was a crazy goofy night and i loved the whole day! i wish it could have lasted longer but i'm glad that she's coming back next weekend. :) now it's's easter and i'm without my fam or friends. that's kind of a bummer but i'll be ok. i miss my mom's easter baskets she makes up for me...yeah i know i'm grown..AND! ha!

wish me luck on waking up at 5 something after four beautiful days of late nights and late mornings!

when do i move into the yang?

why is it TH:IS hard? so my roommate tells me today that i'm inconvenient and need to start paying her more rent...$150 more rent. i'm struggling to stay above water. i feel like i'm way out in the ocean and every time i get to come up for a little bit of air a big wave just comes crashing back at me and i lose more and more strength each time. my stress is stifling me. my best friend is coming to visit me this weekend and i'm thanking my lucky stars (ha that's her ring tone actually) i'm finding out just how lucky i am...she's coming to visit and that will be a breath of fresh air plus my other best friend here has offered to let me crash at her place if need be until i find a roomie and all that jazz....if i wasn't so numb i'd probably cry cuz my friends are so good to me.

i'm a craptastic friend lately...totally self obsessed and i want you all to know that it's not my favorite thing to be and i hope to get back to normal very soon. ahhhhhh!

i've got "feeling good" playing on my main page to inspire me to turn a new page...drop the bad luck and move into the yang of my first year in los's time for the positive!

i've started to receive audition updates from that web site my agent put me on and i sent over a resume and pic to this guy who's a friend of the family..he's got friends in the business so who knows. i tell you what though. i have enough emotions running thru me right now to method act for a straight year! lol..just in case anyone needs a ball of emotional blah-ba-dee-bloo

ok. it's 9:10 and i'm going to bed. sleep is the only thing that saves me i say. my best friend volde's birthday is tomorrow. we might go to san diego for the day (i took Thursday and Friday off with my lovely PTO time). that would be a lovely getaway if it happens. i'll keep you posted.


I just finished reading _Night_ by Elie Wiesel...

I'm at a loss for words. On the cover there's this picture of a hanging and it keeps haunting me. Humans' ability to be purely evil scares me to no ends...and Elie's ability to withstand all that he went thru...I've been reading really depressing books as of lately and would appreciate a good chill book. Isn't that crazy that one man's sufferings have been reduced to me feeling a little down. Guilt and me go hand and hand today.

I need some Lisa Loeb reality tv or something. Grocery shopping time. Maybe that will help!

planes rains and automobiles

i've never been so happy to see the rain may be coming back but at least i have two good days of dryness. :) the puddles in my apartment have subsided, i have cleaned up a buttload and i have a pot of tea on the stove while miles davis's nice. i picked up my car today too...can you believe this ish...i pull up to enterprise and he does the walk around...someone freaking stole the hubcap off the dang car! um he didn't charge me though..maybe it was my charming "just got off of a long day of work" look.

i picked up my car...Kizzix is back! i missed her really i did. that darn focus i was driving made me feel like i belonged on an old english dirt road somewhere in europe lost out of my mind.

i'm so tired from this week. i'm cracking up over the fact that even though my apartment flooded my roomie is still demanding all her dang rent i just being ghetto for thinking i should get some kinda discount for the inconvenience? this a classic "my neck, my back" moment? sorry if so.

have you noticed that i haven't mentioned relationships in a long time? i'm dating and i'm happy but it's so weird. i feel like i'm not in the right place to own any relationship entitlement...i feel like my bad luck deters me from bringing anything good into any type of anything. lol. i feel like the scary bad luck monster. maybe all of that will change too. today felt different...maybe the luck is starting to change...maybe just maybe

my best friend is coming to visit me next weekend and even though i'm broke as a joke i so have to make this the most fun she's ever had in a new city. if you know of cool cheap (free) things to do let me know! more than anything i can't wait for the sangria night...we both love the stuff...movies and liquor..great combo.

my dad (step dad for those that may be confused to wonder why i wrote about losing a parent in a previous blog) just called and is buying me a plane ticket for this summer to go see my grandparents (the rich ones that think i'm wasting my life by going after an acting career and won't give me a dime to help out) lol...i do love planes though. :)


my whole apartment is flooding...i have at least an inch right now. i woke up, sat up in bed then put my feet on the soggy ground...nice. all my stuff in my closets are ruined...all my shoes are wet (i'm going to work in wet shoes) what did i do wrong?

am i broken?

one thing i learned this weekend is everyone's had a really really bad then i wonder if my problems are worth the amount of worry i give them. my luck is really scaring me right now...i'm really holding on to the fact that great luck is soon to follow but i don't know. i just found out today that my favorite and beloved grandma is in the top it off she supports her hateful daughter and granddaughter and the granddaughter's small todler and they don't even care that she's there. my grandma's mother, granny, refuses to come out of her room. i can only imagine her laying there in the dark sad out of her mind and i just want to cry cuz i know that my brother and i are the only ones that showed these two beautiful women any respect at all. it hurts me a lot. she's going to call me tomorrow (my grandma that is) and hopefully things will look up. hopefully all she has is a really bad bug that's going around..hopefully....what am i being tested for?! does this mean some day i'll appreciate all this hard ass reality or is this just better no worse..just this?

i'm about to get a second job...maybe that will keep my mind from wondering about all this heartache and stress.

it's time to detox from work and everything. i'm shutting down early. if any one has any suggestions for changing the karma let me know, k? :) i'm still good if i have my goofiness...once that goes though i don't know if i'll be as entertaining to read about..maybe i'm passed that already and just delusional...ahh that would suck

a parent's last words

ok just finished grey's anatomy and i can honestly say that wathcing as a parent that knows they are gonna pass give guidance to their child is the HARDEST thing for me to do..ugh. i get older but the pain of losing a parent never gets any easier. never...

spring forward

so today was nice...i woke up late..ate a big handburger for lunch from this place in old town i love, saw the movie "thank you for smoking", went grocery shopping, cleaned...drank some sangria and waited for a visiting bud to basically i chilled and it was simply lovely. i love sundays because they're all mine. my secret single behavior kicks in and i just go. (can you tell i've been watching sex and the city) gotta love that. now grey's on. it's what i live for on sundays.

so spring forward has's time to turn a new page...right?

the perks of living with a great woman

so my roomie is a great woman and professor at a college here in los angeles...which means she gets to meet certain phenomenal people...she gets to enjoy certain of which involved us having a luncheon for this extraordinary woman from south africa who told us her story of living under apartheid and the horrors she faced as a colored journalist there. it was crazy to hear her was hard for me to wrap my mind around her life. i can't imagine what it took for her to be here this morning to tell her story. crazy ya'll. i was in the presence of some great folks...having great dialogue about everything that's happening in the world currently. i just sat quietly in awe and loved every moment of it. :)
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