phenoms don't settle

1.22.2006
so every body hurts sometimes, but last friday i hurt really bad and i wasn't prepared for all the hurt that came my way. so first hurt: this woman at my job went CRAZY and is trying to seriously get me fired. i was so upset at work...this woman has always been so nice...saying i'm like a niece to her and then BAM she does this. i was shaking so hard from the disappointment. it hurt. so the crush went with me on my break and helped me to calm down...made me feel better. so then i was cool...i get off of work and i'm totally excited to hang out with my boy. we were planning on going to see "underworld"--a movie i had been waiting for, for TWO years...so yeah, i see him sitting outside waiting for me and a smile starts to grow...my horrible day is slowly being forgotten and then he turns around to look at me and i can see that something is wrong...so he says that he's got bad news...can't go see the movie...can't see me period. just wants to be friends..my heart rips out. every memory i had with him...every time i cracked up laughing...it all flashed before my eyes and i just went numb. i couldn't even act cool..i just told him i was upset, got out of his car and sat in mine. when he drove off i put my head down and just cried...it was hard ya'll...hard. i drove to my girls and she took me to see "underworld"...yes i have great friends. but then when i got out i drove home and the "service engine soon" light came on in my car....the odometer stopped working and i almost ran off the road over a cliff...i just started crying all over again...it was such a hard day and i was just done...i can't even write it all down. the pain i was feeling was just bad...

so i couldn't sleep, eat or shower...i just didn't have any focus. i questioned why i was even in california...but i have a beautiful roommate that has had some bad karma too..her big momma passed so yesterday we were each other's support systems and she really helped me out...i love that woman. we went to this little thai restaurant and had a blast lol..this woman wasn't understanding my need for lemons...she kept bringing us limes so we took 'em....when God gives you limes...it just lightened the mood...incredibly. then we watched a tyler perry play. it was great and just what i needed.

so then sunday, today, was my great day that i was discussing. i went to this work shop type thing that a friend of mine put together. it was brilliant. i went into it so skeptical...i really wanted to just stay at home and stay in bed but i went and it seriously changed me. i wrote and committed to a bunch of great goals for myself and somehow dropped all of my pain and insecurities that friday bred in me. it was really inspiring...i cried some. i smiled a lot. i met some amazing black women. women that are all doing something beautiful..that still have work to do...that made me feel proud to be in the same room as. i forgot about crush...i forgot about my car...about all my worries. i needed that. i thank God for giving me such good friends. they always seem to find their way to you, don't they? i mean my best friend in the world is hundreds of miles away and still made me feel better.

so yeah. i have no car so i'm staying with my girl brandi for a couple of days so i can get to work. so here i am. watching grey's anatomy with the homies. all in all...i grew this weekend. i don't even know if i'm upset at crush anymore...i don't know if i can be cool with this cat for awhile, but i don't blame myself. i had some great and fun times with the guy..i'm thankful for that, but i'm a phenomenal human being and phenoms don't settle.

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