i toast...

we've still got lots of time before new years day...before the point of uber reflection but i can't help myself...last weekend was hard core for me. the weekend started out with me being kind of fluish...always nice, but i pulled myself together nonetheless on Sat morning in time to get up at 4:30 in the morning, catch my shuttle and sit thru 2 hours of security at the airport. i did it! i got thru layovers in denver and got to kc in one piece...just a couple of hours later than i thought, went to my mom and dad's party and that's where the fun began. i can't tell you how amazing it was to walk into that house and see not only my mom and dad's closest friends and family members, but my friends too...everybody celebrating the entity known as "tom and sue". i feel like i'm dreaming some days. it feels me up with so much happiness to see my parents back at it and in love. it makes life just a little bit easier to deal with...gives me a little more courage to embark on my own family pursuits...allows me to believe in the power of love as corny as that sounds. i had a BLAST hanging out with my two younger sisters, my best friend and buds...we drank red wines...some not so great...my mom has a horrible infatuation with white zins....gross! and just celebrated those two. they said their vows to each other and there wasn't a dry eye in the place. my sisters and i made a toast to them...like i said, sometimes i feel as though i'm dreaming with those two.

that night i stayed with my best bud at her parents' new home and almost got in trouble for giggling into the wee hours of the night....all i have to say is "sticky" jen...sticky!!!

the rest of the weekend was a blur...we woke up on christmas eve and i got to hang with her and her whole fam and it was great...basically second family with some killer new orleans recipes. life was grand that day. when i arrived home my parents were out shopping together for gifts so i just hung out with my sisters, wrapped all my gifts and went and saw a movie with one of my favorite people in the world, marcus. (repeat movie: the holiday..it was just that good folks!)

christmas day i was woken up early (parents were quite excited to give us our gifts) i got some great things..the kind of things that are specific to you as a person...the kind of gifts that make you feel good knowing someone knows you that well...my friends and fam are pretty darn great. the only downfall was i had to also get on a plane that day...i spent the afternoon and evening flying home...funny that i call los angeles home now...my boyfriend, bless his heart, knew that i'd be a little emotionally torn. it was good to see him (spending the holidays away from the ones ya love is hard man!) but man i'm a momma's girl!!!

summed up the weekend couldn't have gone any better. my family's back in one piece. the full weight of that sentence hasn't really hit me 100% yet. i'm working on it though. i feel like i'm in a haze most days...my parents, my boyfriend, my friends...i feel so blessed to have collected all of these people...i'm almost numb to the happiness if that's possible.

tomorrow my bedroom furniture arrives and i'll no longer feel like a poor struggling artist..thank you santa!!! new years is coming up and the boy plans to endulge my fantasies...he's trying to gather friends together that want to stay in and play board games : ) gotta love the guy!!! i'll have an acting blog up soon. i have to think a little bit more before that one will come to fruition.

happy holidays ya'll!!!

p.s. did anyone get kissed underneath the mistletoe?

home i go

i don't know why but life is throwing me some major hurdles to try to get me to stay in los angeles for christmas. i've had this weird nasty bug for the last couple of days that has left me drained and rediculously exhausted. i actually sat near the potty the other night praying that i didn't get the flu..i HAVE to get home. i have a layover in denver lol...yes folks. i HAVE to get home though. i'm crossing my fingers. i don't wanna wake up at 4:00 in the morning for nothing!

this should be a fun christmas. i'm going home. i'm finally going to spend time with my complete family. life is good. it's crazy how we take that kind of thing for granted. not i...nope nope nope.

so yeah basically i arrive at 3 kc time, the parents are picking me up and then my best gal pal is meeting me at their place...followed by their marriage vow renewal and partying. christmas eve i'm catching up with the folks i love including my favorite person in the world, my godchild whit, and just kickin it...it should be nice and 'real' cold there. i'm bringing the mittens...it's crazy to think christmas will be over when i get back. it came so quick this year...time flies when you're having fun.

i'm on my way to bed early...i can't keep my eyes open for nothing but i've got a lot of people on my mind. it's a friday night...my la loved ones are all at parties or hanging with family...i miss 'em but i'm excited as heck to see home.



the pursuit of happyness

i finally got to see the movie, "the pursuit of happyness" this weekend and it was as touching as i expected it to be, but it was a hard one to watch.

my blogs are never too personal, but it seems that the more i write, the more comfortable i become...so here goes.

the movie talks about this amazing father and his amazing strength to keep his head above water for his child. it's crazy but my whole life i've kept how i grew up this big secret. it's not that i'm ashamed, but i didn't want to put my mother thru it all again...i brought it up once as a kid and she started crying because she hadn't known i'd remember. nothing big. we were just really poor. we would wash our clothes in bathtubs, hang them to dry in the oven, walk everywhere...even with chicken pox...sometimes sleep on floors. my mom was young but she seriously made those times fun for me. she'd blast music and we'd dance and do our thing...years later my sisters would tease me for hanging on to toys or taking care of things in an almost anal retentive kind of way...but it simply because i learned to appreciate the gifts that i knew not everyone could get. that movie hit really close to home. we walked out and for the first time in front of another person i cried about it all. my guy was really cool about the whole thing and sat and talked to me for a while. i'm so scared of going back to that place. i don't know if i could be as strong as my mom once was. i don't know if i have that kind of hustle...people that have never experienced that kind of life can watch will smith's movie and then just move on..."good flick, i'm glad he got rich, lets go home and play with our ipods and be merry" but there's so much more to the story. we get so hung up on our lives we forget that there are people with real struggles just trying to keep their heads above water. you'll see will smith deal with that in the movie...

i can't wait to go home this weekend and hug the crap out of my mom. when you watch that movie you'll get why...she's a lot like will smith was. a girl i work with was explaining how everyone thinks her mother is beautiful because she never leaves the house without makeup or her hair done...my mom may not be the makeup wearing girlie girl type (now you know where i get it from) but she's still the most beautiful woman i've ever met. it's hard to keep focus being out here among the cali folks, but at least it came back. people probably question why i can be so harsh towards people i feel are priveleged and bratty about it. i try not to be, but it's just so disgusting to watch someone be ungrateful.

so there ya go...just in time my mind became clear again-- just in time for the holidays.

p.s. i really am lucky to have a boyfriend like the one i do. as he sits beside me watching lord of the rings for the upteenth time...i don't really care. it's good to have a best friend that has your back...even thru the really hard stuff that you normally can't share. merry christmas some more people..i can't say it enough!

it's not your beauty it's your booty?

i have a bud who may or may not be going thru something but for the moment i assume she is and she's done something that i've seen happen many a time with females...heck i've even done it myself...

when i was engaged oh so long ago and i found out that the guy married another WHILE we were engaged my first response was to cut my hair and scratch up my face. sounds dramatic but when you're dealing with that type of disgusting heart break the first thing you want to do is destroy the one thing that you believe initiates the disgusting relationship...your beauty. he saw you, he saw something in you and voila! he was drawn in enough to put you in the position you're now in.

This isn't a select few women either. girls are taught from the time they can walk and smile their pearly whites that their beauty is important..in fact some believe it's what determines their worth. why is that and why can't we stop it? i'm too tired to get into all of the details of that and the sidenote companions such as female jealousy and so forth. i just brought it up irresponsibly i guess. the easy answer is my friend may very well be fine and dandy and i totally read her wrong, but just in case i want her to know that beauty and men don't mix..they don't get it and that's not our fault...ever. (and that includes our inner beauty too sister!)

you can't leave the subject line blank

what a weird week. it went by so quickly. a whir really. things are swell but i just can't catch my breath. it doesn't help that my day of reflection has turned into national gimp day. i woke up this morning, scratched my eye and slit it...yes, slit it. that on top of a tiny cold that keeps trying to sprout up have left me not so in the mood to sit back and analyze how life has been going. i'm gonna try hard though.

acting--no new news. someone recently contacted me about attending the "all of us" staff party, but i don't know if i'd count that as acting...more so feaux networking.

relationship--the guy is great at christmas time. i've never dated someone who volunteerily loves to sit and watch old christmas flicks together. last night i sat and made christmas gifts for the peeps at my job, we watched a movie, he cut ribbon and i tied. it's the little things folks.

friends--it's crazy how my buds seem to all posess qualities that seem to hit you at just the right time. one friend can make you laugh at the drop of a hat, one friend makes you feel as though you can change the world, another helps you out with your best friend's upcoming bachelorette party...another makes your heart do flips (i date that one). this morning i was listening to the radio and while the commercial was trying to get people to buy (consumer greed rearing its ugly head at christma time) it struck a more positive note...it was saying don't look at gift buying as a chore but rather a priviledge showing you just how lucky you are...you have people to that you can give back to--more importantly you have friends. i like it. mikey likes it folks!

i think i'm rambling, but it's friday night and i'm enjoying being some what bored for a bit before i have to knock into gear and start doing big kid errands. there's still a lot on my mind this christmas...i think this blog is long enough though. tgif!!!


dr. jekyll and ms hyde

it's a funny thing. i love to act. i even actually enjoy modeling, but if you talk to me right before i'm about to do either you'll be surprised to find a griping nervous twit. i don't know why but i just freak out beforehand. it would come as no shock then to know that i woke up this morning dreading today...a day i would do both. i have this 9-5 job that leaves me drained so you'd think i'd jump at the chance to be in my element more often but alas no. well at least not until i actually got into what i was doing. this morning i met up with a clever little photographer to take some interesting and different shots i've always wanted to do...you'll see the finished project hopefully soon and although i was a peach beforehand i just came alive once we started. it just feels good to be in front of a camera and becoming a character and creating something fun. that ish lasted all day (really!) and i froze my little tail off but it was so worth it.

after that i went straight to a reading one of my buds put together. see that's the cool thing about los angeles. i have friends in the hustle trying to do the dang thing. this such friend just happened to have written a screenplay that she needed some creative input on. i was nervous out of my mind reading from something that could very well be labeled her baby but it was really fun and i came alive for the second time in one day...all in all i had a dang good day. so much so that i'm up at 11 something writing a blog on it...grammama usually can't do that ish!

on a side note. my guy won me something from an auction this weekend...i swear at times i feel like boys will never get me..not ever and then this dude comes along and finds not only a book by barack obama, a politician that yes people i actually admire and respect, BUT a SIGNED copy! my mouth fell open. the bookworm in me was highly impressed. life's crazy right?

ok the eyelids are getting heavy. until later!

the beginning of christmas

it's happened. christmas has finally started for me. tonight i've got the fire place going, i've watched the cool claymation christmas movies i watched as a kid, i'm watching the polar express now...by the way it's creepy weird real...but the point is it's christmas time...i almost want to cry right now because my childhood is coming back in full force. some of my favorite and most vivid memories revolve around christmas time...my imagination, the good times with my family, not being able to sleep christmas eve night...making ornaments at school. the good comes out in people and it makes me long for my childhood when things were easier. i seriously couldn't have a bad day in the month of december.

merry christmas everybody.


man...early this morning i had a HORRIBLE dream that left me crying in bed. you know they're not real...you know it's over, but dang it left a mark that i just couldn't shake. i woke up ten minutes before my alarm clock went off without any kind of pep in my step. the rest of the day slowly but surely picked up but i started off in a fowl mood. why are dreams so powerful? i mean i couldn't hardly speak to people at my job because i just felt like curling up inside myself. dreams are powerful things i guess.

do you ever just have those blah days where you feel like nothing gets accomplished and you don't care if it stays that way? i really should do something..anything but i'm just not motivated in the least.

i'm creeping more and more inside myself and that's never a good thang my friend. i think i need a good christmas movie and some christmas card writing time. bet! i'm gonna stick to this pollyanna stuff if it kills me!

i do have one thing i've been wondering for a while that i can share...make this stuff blog worthy if you will. do any of you have someone that you have just determined has it all together?...ya like their style and how they work but you like it so much that it makes you feel like pooh? i know someone who i feel i'll never live up to...isn't that crazy to do to yourself? the bad thing is i shouldn't like this person at all. it makes it harder for sure. do we all have someone we secretly hate to admire?

one more thing: i got an unusual audition notice today. the audition is to appear on one of those fashion shows where they tell you, you suck at dressing and then give you money to go do your thing. if any of you have ever seen my attire you know this is the perfect show for me lol...i had to make a request that i wanted to be more feminine...i've been labeled the "boybian" at my job...nice. maybe i'll get it and they'll make me perdy. i'll keep ya posted. thanks b for the jessica alba bit. i went with that : )

happy snafus

this is my bookworm confession.

so every body that knows me knows i love to read but lately...and i mean months ya'll i haven't even finished a single book. i just don't have the time to sit back and chillax but today i made a conscientious effort to sit back and read some good stuff. i just read an article discussing our inability as humans to accept our happy times. we thrive off of pain and suffering...basically admitting that nothing good can come of "easy" but rather pain. if you're into reading o magazine it's on page 277 : ) "taking a chance on joy". good stuff.

it's funny that i tend to be one such person. i feel almost guilty for the moments when i sit back and just enjoy life. i think it's hard to see the good at times though..it's always there but we get so caught up in the "big picture" we lose sight of the little things...life for instance the fact that i sat with my friend and her little boy today and helped him with his homework. he started out so frustrated and upset and by the end his page was full of correct answers and he had a big smile on his face. it's the little things. i avoided traffic today because i was running early this morning. i had great cinnamon tea...i read. i'm listening to a great song i haven't heard in many moons...i put a whole bunch of christmas flicks in my online movie queue so my boy and i can vedge out in style... even my snafus today had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt....it's the little things.

yeah i have a lot on my plate, and i worry but at this moment that's not important. today was a good day. i'm not going to consider being in a good mood as a bad thing anymore. i won't hide it ..i won't even delete this blog for fear of the pollyanna undertones it possesses : ) how about those apples?

i'm on a polar high

ahhhh! i just got an email from the writer/author of the books that i love that are about to be turned into a tv series! yes my friends i'm still in the loop. i felt like a dork for continuously pressing this poor woman for info on any show progression...it's still in the business stages and she wrote me personally today and gave me some updates..small steps maybe, but great for my hopeful nature!!! coming out here, struggling to stay afloat, dealing with the lull of audition-less days is hard stuff. every little bit keeps me going though. more than people realize : ) so yeah for this monday! maybe i'm a tiny hustler down deep inside after all...

something on a completely different note. putting virus protections on your computer is a pain in the rear if you ask me. i've been working on it for over an hour now. where's my tech buddies when ya need 'em?!

as for the weekend: they're passing quicker and quicker lately but they are always a blast. this weekend my girlie vikkie came to visit and we had a jolly old time. it's crazy how much i missed the gal. as soon as i saw her all the memories of our slumber parties and hang outs came flooding back in and i just wanted to hug her and never let go! it was a short visit but i feel like we got some good stuff in...i took her to see some stuff around los angeles and we just chatted and cut up like we always did in the past. she's almost as crazy goofy as me...getting folks like us together is always a barrel of laughs. she even hipped me to some new stuff. we went to this non fat frozen yogurt spot that had the most delicious frozen yogurt i've ever had. it was so good i had to go back the next day. it's called pinkberry. holla at me folks if you ever want to go. i'm always down. that stuff is nectar sent from the gods i say! it made my day just that much better...good weather, icecream and good company made for an excellent weekend.

gotta love life! PLUS it's december! it's christmas time which happens to be my favorite holiday/month. life's grand i say...just grand.

ya got no hustle kid

so i just got back from that acting seminar and i took some positive and negative things home with me...first of all i figured out i can't expect my agent to kiss my behind and go out scavenging the streets looking for work for me. point taken..at the same time i learned he's not really doing what i need him to do and i need to become 100% more involved with the direction of where i want my acting career to go and when that will happen. everything happens for a reason. there's a reason i sat in a room full of pretty people and secretly teared up a little because i've wasted a year out here and this ish is hard as hell..there's a reason i moved out here...there's a reason i don't have hustle, but there's also a reason that i have this yearning down deep inside my soul to do what i love most in life...i may not be a hustler yet, but i'm gonna learn how to work this career of mine as best as i can. i used to hate the word hustle...ok i still hate the word...it sounds like something one does when they have no education or normal chance...they have to hustle their way in...at one point i felt like i had all my ducks in a row. i'm an intelligent chick with a good head on my shoulders and a drive to work hard, but i haven't a clue when it comes to applying that to acting...you have to be educated about the people that run hollywood...the names to know..the gatekeepers of those you see pop up on boob tubes around the nation. i don't know that ish...therefore i need to hustle. lol. period. my twenties are killin me folks...someone at the seminar mentioned that a good actor knows who they really are...because of that they are able to market themselves accurately and affectively...see that's where i'm lacking at the present moment. i'm young and silly. i have no idea, no real focus on the type of person i am. is that crazy to be in your 20s and not have any earthly idea who you really are?! as soon as i figure out some key things i should be good.

wish me luck. i have to find my hustle. it's an early new years resolution if you will.

eyes on the prize

i did my first adult/kidult thing in california today. i went to jury duty. i swear going to that court house in downtown los angeles was probably one of the most interesting experiences i've encountered out here thus far. seeing such different groups of people all in the same room, stripped of any class, title, whatever is pretty humorous to watch. we're all just numbers...

if you've ever been you know how utterly boring it can be. you're waiting around for most of the day. i can't even lie-- i was one of those people that others giggle at. i kept falling asleep and my head would jerk back and forth...i felt like at any moment i'd hear " bueller....buelller..." but alas i didn't...you never know though cuz it's la and no one's exempt from that ish!!!

i didn't sleep the whole time though...i actually pondered quite a bit. like for instance, books are my love. they make me happy and going into barnes and nobles can seriously put me in a good mood no matter what i've been thru that day. i love them like their family members, but there's something quite refreshing about picking up a news magazine...it sounds like i was probably smoking the doobie but really it's refreshing to know that you can't choose the knowledge you're about to receive from one...i mean if you're really hard core into news and left and right wing biases then maybe you have opinions about which way the magazine sways but on a basic level you don't know what you're about to get. you leave yourself open to the possibility of something 98% random as opposed to picking up a book that you sort of know something about in most cases 20 % random...you have a preference and you choose a book based on whether or not it will appeal to your preferences. i learned a lot of nifty stuff today from that magazine. just thought i'd share lol. borring? sorry i was in jury duty all day!

i also thought about my parents too. i don' t think i mentioned it before but my parents thought they would divorce for the longest time...had separated--the whole bit and it almost tore me completely apart...but they're now working it out...in fact, they plan to renew their vows when i come home for christmas. the thing is i'm a little weird about the whole thing now...i wanted and wished for this type of thing and now that it's here i'm scared it will pass and things will go back to the way they were. i start to wonder what makes a marriage seem strong to others on the outside...do people admire those that never had problems in their relationships...moved thru life without substantial damage or is their something noble about those that hit rock bottom and come up together? can you go thru something like this and bounce back? i hope so. i'm just scared...see what sitting in a room for 6.5 hours will do to you?!

tomorrow i go back, but i'm actually excited. i'm participating in something bigger than me. i could have a great and importnat responsibility...do something that makes america AMERICA...cheesy but cool.

tomorrow night i'm attending an acting seminar down the street from where i live. that should be a hoot. i need to start doing more stuff with acting during this terrible dry spell i'm experiencing...keep my eyes on the prize...

gobbling guru


i think i have eaten more this thanksgiving than any other one before. the turkey day was a good one...i love holidays that are layed back and stress free. i went over to my gal b's place and oinked out like i had never had a real meal in my life and then hung out with her and her fam just watching football and laughing our little stuffed heads off. after that i had to kick in to girlfriend mode and meet up with the boy to make the rounds which actually ended up being really cool. it's fun to see how others celebrate. his family eats later so we stopped by his buds' places and grubbed some more (yes if you're keeping count i've eaten a lot by this point) followed by dinner with his family which wasn't as nerve wracking as i imagined it would be. i made a pie and this chicken 'stuff' that my mommy taught me to make and they actually ate the stuff and didn't kill over. (always a good thing) then we just watched family stone (one of my fav's at the moment) and fell asleep. it was just really nice to spend the day with the ones i love around these here parts.

it's crazy how one day can make me feel. thanksgiving and christmas have always been big for me. there's just something about the holidays that leave me feeling complete..no matter how broke i may be, stressed i once was, angry i may have been...it all fades away and i'm left feeling thankful and extremely lucky to have the people i have.

happy holidays ya'll!!!

fly me to the moon

so sorry for the late blog but i didn't get a chance to sit down and rest on my laurels yesterday : ) myspace alone is probably one of my top sources of entertainment as of lately. i get a kick out of my bud's pages....one such bud is currently blasting some frankie that i absolutely adore....so much so that i asked vic to dance with me and the little bugger did....we danced to frank sinatra and it was heaven..all because of little ole myspace.

nights like last night (heroes rocked by the way!) are great set ups to thanksgiving holidays. the week's gonna be a good one. i'm not going home, but it's comforting to know that my mom and dad will be celebrating it together...that my sisters will have fun and i'll have my first mexican thanksgiving....complete with tamales and enchiladas. : ) PLUS my girl b and i are planning on taking a mini vacation together this weekend and catch up. we tend to go thru weird periods of time without seeing each other...then we get back together and laugh our little butts off. those are the best people to have around you during the holiday season. : )

i'm really having a hard time blogging lately. i have so much running thru my head, but it's not really stuff blog worthy, ya know? i just keep hoping for the big break, the big questions, the big time : )

p.s. vic made me get in a frickin prius, my dream car, last night...my heart strings were pulled...my little dream toy...right in front of me...and i can't have it..the worst form of window shopping...sigh

babel and beer

i just got back from watching the movie, "babel" down on the 3rd street promenade. it's peaked my interest for some time now. i thought i knew the jist of the movie...language barriers that prevent a group of people from achieving their goal...kind of like the tower of babel...a story vic hipped me onto, being that i'm not really a biblical afficianado but i don't think the movie was that simple to break down. i need more dialogue so everyone needs to see it so i can talk about that ish. as of right now the only thing i can say about it is "phenomenal acting on every actor's parts"...definitely made me thirsty for that type of work...weird of me?

this was a weird weekend i must say...we all have the cabability of listening to other's perceptions of us and deciding whether or not the opinion is worth an insightful look into ourselves...i decided it was...i'm quite dramatic if you haven't figured that out. i'm easily moved...stressed if you will : ) so i tried to calm my self down...take time to process...more help on my "fobfo-ing" it was nice. we're all works in progress right?

life's too short for me to constantly be worrying about the things i worry about. i vow to enjoy my friends and family more...and still manage to get my dream...i'm a multi tasker. this shouldn't be hard : )

oh! new great things...i tried a beer tonight that i actually liked...yes, this is huge for the mixed chick with irish coming out of her ears. it sounds like the "heifa" with something at the end lol. that's all this sister can remember, but i was proud of myself...even if i had to ask vic how to order it...i'd like whatever whatever on draft...as opposed to i'd like whatever whatever in a glass : ) i'm learning folks!

insomnia sucks

i had a million things running thru my head...that crap was forceful enough to keep me up. friday the 17th will be an interesting day being that i will be running on only three hours of sleep...nice.

i'm going for a follow up appt to fix quasi modo eye, copying and sending portfolio modeling pics to an agent and who knows after that. business first party hardy later. : )

4:23 a.m.

pink eyed panther

so i woke up this morning with a nastified swollen eyeball. it was lovely. quasi modo came over and knocked me right upside the head. i decided i didn't want to go blind...i had had issues with my eyes the WHOLE time i was in texas...burning, couldn't open them, lights blinding me, the works...so i went to urgent care. it's pink eye folks! how in the heck i received this lovely gift i don't know but it kept me out of work today...bored out of my mind! ahhh i can't drive...i can't do nada...but tomorrow's a new day. : ) i watched fried green tomatoes today and enjoyed tishy time as much as i possibly could...in between five minute eye drops.


i'm back....

being in texas is so great...i got in yesterday around noon and it's been a nonstop walk down memory lane ever since. i'm driving by places where i used to play when i was 4, 5 years old...memories i had totally buried have resurfaced...first crushes, jr high dramas...lol. i think the people who stay near or in their home towns take their histories for granted some times. i forgot about childhood in a sense..coming back here showed me that. we went into a wal-mart last night to pick up some things for the wedding tomorrow and i was constantly looking around for someone i'd know.i love this place...cleburne's just as i left it which doesn't say a bunch but somehow that's comforting. today we're gonna drive by my old house that i grew up in...see if my basketball court is still in tact...this is the good life.

i think the best part of all is i get to share it with someone. vic is on his way as i write this....flying on a plane next to eric estrada lol. (gotta love los angeles!) he's a little under the weather but i bought him some stuff to keep his immune system appeased...he has to be fully alert to witness all this..it's important...it's what made me who i am today believe it or not. isn't it funny how geography can do that to a sister?

home sweet home...i heart texas...and not in the "texas is bigger and better ya'll!" kind of way : )

my girlie gets hitched tomorrow to a man that loves her to pieces and i couldn't be happier. i've known miss leigh anne since she was in kindergarten and i in the first grade. we go WAY back so this is a little hard for me...how fast we grew up...i'm finding out just how wonderful i have it.

take care ya'll...i'm coming back to los angeles with a twang!

hoping for happenstance

i have found out alarming news today...my blogs have been used for evil. a good buddy of mine from work used one of my last blogs to pick up chicks...and it worked (duh i'm a pimp) but STILL! say it ain't so...sigh. boys. : )

there are some pretty good things happening in my life right now. the money situation is a hard one, but it's honestly teaching me how to budget and manage it in a responsible way. (point for tishy!) then there's the whole i'm leaving for texas in three days and i get to see my childhood best friend get married...amor...PLUS i'm bringing my guy home...an act i have NEVER done before...NO guy has EVER met the second fam...this is big stuff people!!! more goodness...two people that are very close to me may get back together and if that happens i would be the happiest tish in the world...the funny thing is i knew deep down that it wasn't gonna end and so if it doesn't that means that other hopes and gut feelings i have about my life are gonna happen the way i feel that they will. i'm hoping for happenstance that leads to my dreams. they say it's all luck anyways, right?

tonight heroes comes on and i'm obsessed with that ish...i swear i haven't been so excited for mondays since i was a frickin nerdy kid that loved going back to school! happy monday to all and to all a good night.

toothpicks and chai tea

man it's been a long time since i've had a sunday and i'm loving every bit of it. back when i lived in kansas city every sunday was my day...i'd wake up in the morning...read the paper, go grab a chai tea from panera across the street, pop in some miles davis and enjoy my tish time. here i kind of lost my element, but it's coming back...and i LOVE it.

i have to have some kind of acting hope in order to be me i've decided. last week was really hard because i thought i was going to have to put that dream to the side for awhile, but then a friend told me i may have an opportunity to audition for a tyler perry play...this could be a good thing. i keep getting all of these great opportunities dangled in my face and i know deep down something's gonna come along. this all builds unbelievable character. i'll appreciate the sweetness cuz i've definitely experienced the bitter!

i've also been thinking about the whole modeling thing again. all these pretty girls in california had me down thinking i wasn't on the same level, but i'm waking up...the funny thing about modeling is you don't have to be drop dead gorgeous. you just have to look like a toothpick and have some dang confidence. i can do that! ha! i'm getting back to me. funny that i had this epiphany while watching chris rock in down to earth lol...we all have our moment, right?

hopefully things start to turn around. i'm in charge now :)

stop chasing me unless you're ready to catch me

is that NOT the best quote ever for a tv show? i have to hand it to the writers of grey's anatomy....that's some good ish right there. it's an interesting subject too. ya hear how guys like the chase...love the girls that play hard to get....i even studied that ish in college...it's a part of something called the "uniqueness theory"...we all want to be unique. we all want to have unique things which includes getting the guy or girl that no one else has been able to snag. it's a dangerous game though...and quite smart of the doc on grey's to ask about....if it's really about the chase then folks are seriously setting themselves up to being hurt. what happens when the guy finally gets the girl? ya gotta ask the other person...are they really ready to catch ya. i LOVE that dang show...i just do. : )

tomorrow is friday. i plan on spending a lovely evening chillin like a pauper with my main squeeze. nothing fancy schmancy. just enjoying the person i felt like catching : )

hot water

there's this saying that spreads around the internet from time to time about people being like tea bags...you never find out how strong they are until they're put in hot water. i'm being tested like a mutha on that little idea right about now.

i'm really trying to pay off my debt, keep up on my bills and do all that jazz, but it's hard so yesterday i went and applied for a second job at good ole barnes and nobles near my place. this action came with a reality check though....job number two means even less time to focus on acting. it's a hard realization when you find out the thing you want most in life gets in the way of basic practical living. i was talking to my mom about it all last night and i just choked up...couldn't even talk anymore. part of all the drama was the fact that i've been getting whack sleep lately, but it still sucked. i felt like a little dark cloud was following me around all day. i was waiting for someone to throw something at me like they do to charlie brown...little woodstocks flittering above my head...but instead i just went to bed. i know all of this will pass and i'll have good times a plenty, but life's rough ya'll. i'm talking to someone about possibly getting back into modeling so hopefully something can come of that...it makes me feel better to take action...i'm putting myself on an extreme budget...tishy ain't going NO WHERE anytime soon (well except for my wedding in texas next week-hee hee) i no longer can be complicit in my own destruction...like that? it's not mine, but i write it on all of my journals as a reminder. catchy, right?

tonight i watch ugly betty and grey's anatomy...two shows capable of putting me in the most excellent of moods. plus my goyles are joining me. it's all good in my hood. sleep and friends can cure any bad checkbook.

the lakers win it!

today was a great halloween! i just got back from the lakers game and they freaking came back strong in the 4th quarter and won that ish! farmar, who is now my little homie on the team, did a fantastically swell job for his first nba season game ever. good job to the homies. it was actually a really cool experience. the staples center is really snooty i must say...they've got freaking pasta and sushi bars people! i mean it's a sports arena...what happened to hot dogs and beers?! lol...ya have to keep the la la's happy i guess. nba games are a lot quieter than i thought they would be. i didn't have to stand hardly at all...i just sat back and relaxed...14th row center court by the way....i could actually see the players mouths moving i was so close lol...gotta love that ish!

i had a howlin good time! some times i really love los angeles.

trick or treat

i'm going to my first lakers game--wait scratch that!--i'm going to my first nba game ever tomorrow. my guy is quite some guy i must say. i got some treat!

14th row, center...that's all i have to say ya'll.

cuz it was cool like that

halloweeny weekend went off with a bang just like i thought it would. i had a slow start on saturday getting the costume and myself together...in fact, i know i went and grabbed a starbucks but i still don't remember where i left that ish! i did get it together in just enough time for vic to get sick on me...yes, i was bummed. i had the bug costume ready to go but he pulled a superman on me and got better around 10:30 or so. we hurried up and dressed...he was bummed about his impromptu exterminator outfit so i let go of the couple crap and pulled into my 'clever costumes i've seen in movies' file and we went with that....thank you denzel washington in 'philidelphia" for the law suit costume. i researched absurd laws in different states and we safety pinned them to a suit he had in his closet...nice, eh? did you know that is illegal to sell your eye in texas? (singular..eye not eyes) it was a crowd conversation starter so it was all good. i looked very bug- like so it was all good.

the party itself was pretty dope. everyone had really cute and clever costumes...just clever for the grown ass men...and were extremely cool. i even met two long lost mulatta nation sisters! one of which i plan to see get married in cabo some time later this year.

the best part of all was getting to meet the people that vic grew up with basically. there were cats there from elementary school...my momma always said there's something to be said for a person with old friends...it says something about their character. anywho, his friends, including his best friend/brother were really great about making me feel like i was old school/a part of the gang. it's hard some times being out here in cali with no family and none of the friends i've had over the years.vic's mom was really surprised to hear that i came out here by myself. it can be hard at times, but weekends like this one makes this place feel like home more than ever.

good weekend. it was just cool like that.


all of the halloween costumes in los angeles involve some kind of hoochie attire. i want to be a cute little bug and instead i'm stuck with "sexy bug"..what the heck is sexy about a bug?! when i say this dress i have to wear is ridiculously scandelous...i'm gonna wear it as a shirt if b will let me get away with it and put on some jeans...it's THAT short...scandelous i say!

so yeah, i'm gonna be a bug tonight...a luv bug to be exact and vic's gonna be an exterminator. lol...couple costumes....gotta love that ish! (this will probably be the one and only time i'm cute with him so i'll make sure to take pictures for the folks back home)

i just finished putting together a dresser that seriously i've been working on all week. it's quite pretty i must say and i'm totally feeling the "i am woman, hear me roar" stuff after assembling such a fine piece of wood work...hee hee.

so now i just have to focus on getting the rest of my luv bug attire and the boy's as well. the gang is heading out to a house party tonight and hopefully it's a barrel of laughs. i need a little ha ha action after the busy week that just passed. did anyone else feel like they were gonna scream?

something funny....someone from the oprah show called me the other day. at first i thought it was a prank but then they started discussing this story i submitted...yes, when i'm bored i write to oprah...sue me. she's one of my many inspirations (think back to me loving the color purple) anyways. one of the producers from the show called to ask me some more questions...had me crying a little bit even. who knows. they asked me to submit a picture and said they'd be in touch. wouldn't that be a hoot? my best bud j and i always said we'd be on the show some day...back then we thought it would be to promote our new book _kiwi power_ but this will do for now : )

have fun halloweenies!

happy nacho libre day!!!

oh today was a glorious day. i went to work and had a dreadfully boring day filled with lots of computer love and head jerks from nodding off. i started to drive home and that's when the day opened up and became glorious. my boyfriend called to remind me that it was our new favorite holiday that i had made up a week prior....sort of national nacho libre day....yes you heard me right. i have deemed october 24th as nacho libre day. why? because the dvd came out today that's why! we went and picked up the movie and then we went to different mexican restaurants to pick up nachos...oh yes, this was a full out holiday complete with festive food, sayings and gifts. it was a beautiful day. PLUS if you buy the dvd right now you get a free pen that speaks to you! and it's different sayings from the pens you can find at target...yes, i already had that pen, what's your point?

so i laughed hard and the day turned around for me just like that. it's really great to have people in your life that make you laugh on a daily basis. i appreciate those folks more than ever lately. i have a really odd laugh that many deem fake (the nerve!) and whenever the man hears it it sends him into this weird cackle that makes me laugh even harder and then we're both laying on the floor moaning for the other to stop because we can't breath. last time i had a chuckle like that was with my girl b and we both agreed we lost 2 pounds a piece.

good times ya'll. don't forget the holiday next year...it's pretty frickin great!


i've done it...

i'm 99.9% moved into my new place and it feels so good to be able to do that. it just feels good to come home from work and have a space of one's own. in my last apartment situation i lived with a woman that would snoop thru my things, check to see if i was keeping the place top notch clean...it was so unnerving. now that i'm here i realize just how miserable that version of home made me. never again...virginia wolfe was right on the money with her book.

this weekend was really labor intensive (obviously moving heavy things cuz you're too cheap to hire some movers will create that type of intensive environment) but my girlie rewarded me with tickets to see Tyler Perry's new play so it was oh so worth it. his play was the same as always, funny and touching. tyler perry actually popped up at the end much to everyone's surprise and spoke to the audience about his new film coming out in february "daddy's little girls" and how he refuses to take no for an answer in terms of getting his films and tv shows out to the world. it's inspiring for a chick like me.

friday night i met some of the boyfriend's buddies, one of which has been my myspace pal for months now. isn't that funny how myspace is? we've joked around and poked fun for months but when we met in person for the first time it was totally different...ya'll are probably saying "duh" right now, but i never realized just how different cyber life is...not as personal as i thought it was. but then again it is. i recently blogged about how two people misconstrued my intentions and how they hated me now because of it...i saw a comment on one of their pages from someone i don't even know that said some pretty hurtful things about me. i know, it's just myspace...i don't know these people...why should i care, but it does hurt. what are you supposed to do with that kind of hate?

things like that make me appreciate home more than ever. at least now i have a place to come home to and forget about all the bad stuff.

p.s. quick updates:

go see the prestige. it rocked! i dreamed about it afterwards it was so good!

i had an audition on thursday, which led to a callback on friday..and hopefully i can get the job now. cross your fingers guys! that could be a lovely plane ticket home for the holidays!

feminine strength is a beautiful thing...

not to blast my friend's business or anything, but i have a good friend going thru a really hard time right now...a man she was seeing became a coward and thus she had to cut the relationship short...i went with her to get her things from his place and when i say i've never been more nervous and scared for my safety...if i wouldnt have been with my girls i don't know what would have happened. i seriously wanted to cry once it was all over because i felt so blessed to have such strong women in my presence. they gave me the strength and control i needed...we took on the bully and came out unscathed.

life's crazy like that...women are always put in little weak boxes and even i find myself surprised when moments of inner strength come out and take control. my mom just told me that women aren't built to be the physically strong ones...so we compensate by being the mentally strong ones. i kind of like that i must say.

i'm blessed to be a woman. i'm blessed i have women friends...boys you should really look and learn. : )

citizen cope

every once in a blue moon music moves me into this surreal place

yesterday my b surprised me with tickets to the House of Blues to see citizen cope. i'd listened to this cat perform before but when i say i got out there and fell in love. if you've never heard his music you should google him, go to his official web page and just listen to his music. he has this amazingly weirdly unique voice..i can't explain it but when i say it's this consistently beautiful sound. short white boy with nappy hair thrown back into a ponytail was seriously making me swoon.

i can't get the image of him out of my head....jen, he's totally coming to lawrence on october 27th...PLEASE go! he's performing again tonight at the house of blues too for all the los angeles peeps in the house.

the night was just set up to be great though...on the way in i bumped into spike lee...um the director for all you that live in a bubble...and all i could say was "i love your work"...i should have been saying "please make me your next halle berry! put me in one of your films!!!" but alas i did not because i was awestruck by the little biddy genius walking towards me. sigh...who says that? like the guy cares what a random chick thinks of his work...lol. as long as i talked : )

well i'm off to work this fine Friday the 13th. you know it's my lucky day right? i LOVE being born on a 13th! should make for an interesting weekend...

citizen cope

every once in a blue moon music moves me into this surreal place

yesterday my b surprised me with tickets to the House of Blues to see citizen cope. i'd listened to this cat perform before but when i say i got out there and fell in love. if you've never heard his music you should google him, go to his official web page and just listen to his music. he has this amazingly weirdly unique voice..i can't explain it but when i say it's this consistently beautiful sound. short white boy with nappy hair thrown back into a ponytail was seriously making me swoon.

i can't get the image of him out of my head....jen, he's totally coming to lawrence on october 27th...PLEASE go! he's performing again tonight at the house of blues too for all the los angeles peeps in the house.

the night was just set up to be great though...on the way in i bumped into spike lee...um the director for all you that live in a bubble...and all i could say was "i love your work"...i should have been saying "please make me your next halle berry! put me in one of your films!!!" but alas i did not because i was awestruck by the little biddy genius walking towards me. sigh...who says that? like the guy cares what a random chick thinks of his work...lol. as long as i talked : )

well i'm off to work this fine Friday the 13th. you know it's my lucky day right? i LOVE being born on a 13th! should make for an interesting weekend...

a gift for gab

today i met my girlie b across the way from our job for a delightful lunch break at starbucks. we sat down with our drinks (starbucks brought back the cinnamon yo!)along with a magazine that will help me create my best friend's perfect wedding gift (ha jen! that's where my creativity started this morning!) i had a really nice time....b is definitely one of my favorite sista girls...we just sat back and laughed about boys, drama, life and each other. it's good to have those kinds of friendships...i'm happy. : )

my actions have been misconstrued

we can't all be understood all the time...

i'm 25 and i'm just now figuring that out...more than that i'm learning i can't fight for understanding all the time either. some times i just have to let things go. the other day three individuals that i consider to be great human beings got caught up in a situation started by me. my intentions for sharing personal information were mangled and now those people think i intentionally did something horrible...that i'm calculating and malicious and that was a hard swallow for me yesterday. after talking with my best friend i feel better now about just letting the storm blow over (thanks jen!) but it really does hurt me to know that there are people out there in the world that seriously hate me and i can't blame them because given the information that was thrown at them i'd be upset with me too. growing up and being an adult void of drama is a hard hard thing at times.

when is it a good time to fight for your honor and when do you just have to let it go? lol...again, am i dramatic or what? you get my point though. every day i wake up and try to be the best tish i can be...i try to make people smile and it kills me when i accomplish the complete opposite. i've learned so much about myself and others in the last couple of months. i've learned i can forgive while being realistic, i've learned i'm dramatic as heck, that acting is seriously still my first true love and still gives me the butterflies, what doesn't kill me, makes me gangsta and most importantly i've learned i couldn't do ish without my friends and i wouldn't have it any other way. i feel like i'm growing up for the first time and just now hitting my rite of passage in life. hopefully these changes are for the better. hopefully...

my lesson for the week though...perceptions can change with the wind. judgements may form in seconds but character probes come with time.

new roomie, new location, new tude!

wow today is a good day!!! so on friday i found a listing in my email from this apartment search engine listing a girl who needed a roomie. i replied just for ishes and giggles and the girl actually turned out to be the perfect roommate! i met up with her and she's just really charismatic, sweet and outgoing. the place is fantastic and it's located in a really nice area that i'm TOTALLY comfortable with. it's as if everything just fell into place...i know my finances will be funny for a minute while i adjust but it's worth it. i love knowing i'll have a place, void of drama. sigh....it's lovely!

the cowboys are playing right now, i'm doing my laundry and organizing my life for the move and change to come and it's just swell. the new roomie "J" has some really awesome connections to the industry and may be able to help me out some...she said she's going to try to take me to some film premiers...like i said, she's the perfect roomie! therefore i have to get my acting ish together. it's time to really live in los angeles...really live period.

i will say though that moving away from my girlie, b, will be sad. i'm not gonna think about that right now actually...can't kill the mood yo!

yesterday was really good too. i got a facial, which is something i haven't done for myself in a really long time. it was so calming and SO needed...i sat there in the dark after it was over drinking this great tea they gave me and i started blowing in it to cool it off...it was weird and this is gonna sound totally hippie-ish but i started to think of myself as a fluid personality...i'm SO a water sign...i'm easily moved by others...if they're happy, i'm happy, if they're sad...etc. and for some reason figuring out that little part of myself was comforting.

so that's it for now...hopefully things are on the up and up :)

vanilla skies

on the way to work today i totally saw a vanilla sky and it was the most beautiful thing i've ever witnessed here in los angeles. i almost felt like i was in some sort of dream...it's when you sit back and just sigh with contentment...(acknowledging the color purple like ms. alice walker said).

i knew then that the monday moans and groans wouldn't be AS bad cuz of that sky. it was that good ya'll. so today was interesting. besides the hair conversations i had to have over and over again with the people screaming at me "what did you do to your hair?!" it was an ok monday. over the weekend i went and saw common perform at this local college, CSUN, and it was so cool/chill it seriously carried the good vibes thru sunday and today. i was laying in the grass with my girls chillin and life was just good. his music, if you haven't ever heard it, is what hip hop is supposed to be...that dope neo-soul/real hip hop, "i know where i've been and i know where i wanna go" type of mentality that causes the good kind of addictions...makes ya wanna go to the libray and read up! i love it! lol

so yeah this week i plan to see what i can do about my hair and the whole headshot thing...i plan to start looking for a new job, run some errands, hang with my girls as much as i possibly can, watch some good ole teevee ;) and just be the best tish i can be. the mopey "i miss my hair tish" is so played out. thanks e for slappin me with some realness.

life's swell. i can't complain. : )

sign on the dotted line

i just signed on the dotted line today!!! i signed with bmg modeling! yeah yeah yeah!

to celebrate i came home and had ramen noodles and sangria...i'm a classy broad let me tell ya! it was cool though. i spent the majority of my day dozing off in front of my computer...coming up with new and creative ways for my hair to cover up my eyes so no one could see the eye-droppage : ) then i got to switch it all up. i guess this really does give me incentive to get my frickin skinny flabby butt in the gym...fine j! fine!

can i just tell ya'll that i had a dream last night that dealt with the themes kind of like those in black like me...i had to differentiate black impersonators from the real black people to save them from destruction....heavy? now you know why i was falling asleep!

tonight is heroes...i have to watch my husband, hiro. (did ya'll know i have a thing for asian guys?)

it's on! ciao! (yeah to me!)

$450 haircut

so i've been totally pumped to get my hair cut and get some of the weight off...yesterday i go into this salon a friend recommended and the dude totally butchered my head! i look like corinne bailey ray now...if you don't know who that is google the name. ugh...this is horrible. i keep looking at my headshot pictures that i now have to replace and i just wanna cry...there's nothing i can do about this ish and i look like a frickin little kid. just had to rant a little. my career is officially on hold until this ish grows out.

today i'm going to an outkast concert and i was planning on having a ball this weekend but instead i just want to stay inside and hide. i'll see ya'll all this time next year. : )

when words/quotes finally mean something...

this just kinda fits today....

Sam: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

divorce and other ugly words

ehhh...i just left work. the whole impending doom of divorce finally came to a head. it's funny...the word 'divorce'. friends talked about it, people in general talked about it-- i've heard the word growing up...i've said the word a million times, but now when it applies to me... it sticks in my throat...i can't get the damn thing out without poppin out some tears right along with it. i feel so bad for all the little kids in the world going thru this. i've decided all of my relationship dramas are petty and insignificant...we stress and cry over relationships that we always knew weren't healthy enough to lead to marriage and now i don't know why. why do we try to create marriages that aren't something we really believe in? how many days, months, years did i stay with someone just because i was trying to make something out of nothing? it happens more than you think...and then you open yourself up to that ugly big 'd' word again...

i'm learning more than ever how important my family was to me and how i took it for granted. all of my childhood memories keep flooding in and all i can see are images of my mom and dad goofing off together, joking, laughing, taking us on great trips...my life will permanently be split and the thing that i held consistent and sure in my life is no more.

so today is the day i get all the crap out of my system. i wrote my mom, i'll call my dad...the weird thing is i am so uncomfortable talking about it with them...i can't seem to talk....ALIEN TO ME by the way. everyone's got a story...lots of people have been thru just this thing. i'm not special. i get all of that but i blog anyways....it's cathartic damn it.

i have to grab for stuff to make me happy today...if coco cola called and offered me that commercial it would be really swell. i'll settle for some good tv and some sister conversation....for now!

dreams are funny things

filming was cool. it's monday...not a cool day for reflection and warm and fuzzies i'm afraid.

Being an assistant really does suck. People look down on you and get away with saying some pretty jacked up things...and after it's all said and done it's so freaking hard to put your ego back together again when you're sitting at your desk putting labels on hanging folders for the boss lady.

I'm putting up with some craptastic crap for this dream of mine. Today I'm kind of angry at myself…acting's a love/hate relationship now I guess. Sometimes I love my dream and other times I curse it all together.

grey's anatomy

today was a good day....i had an audition that i hopefully get. please cross your fingers...it's for a national campaign....every tishy's dream. i hung out and had coffee and enjoyed the beautiful weather...then went to my girl's loaded with creamcicles to watch grey's anatomy.

girlfriends are the best thing for broken spirits don't you think? i'm very lucky to have found such good friends...very lucky.

the last kiss

p.s. i went and saw last kiss on friday night and i seriously recommend it to all...it's a beautiful story about complicated simple people and real life...i've seen movies that attempt to create what this movie did....the story of us came pretty darn close...closer was another good one BUT none have ever been able to move me in this way. the movie was funny, clever, honest in a way that was unnerving, endearing and beautiful. there were literal gasps in certain parts...i could just tell that people around me were totally involved in the story line...forgetting they were sitting in a theater watching fiction...i didn't want to leave the theater..i wanted to see what would happen next. i haven't had that feeling over characters since the last time i read a zadie smith book. go see it folks!

when the dog bites when the bee stings

ahhh i have to give props to the things that make me happy...specifically today:

pottery barn...there's just something about those wonderful lil emails i receive that contain yummy pictures of pretty pretty things. the moments when i get excited over p.b. and vacuum cleaners let me know that yes indeed i am becoming a big kid. a kidult if you will...

fall....ever since i was a kid i've had this appreciation for the season...leaves get crispy, football starts, the temperature drops to a bearable level...it's one of the few transitions in life i can actually take without freaking out : )

The fact that I got an email from my agent asking me if I was a hard core college basketball fan …brought up memories of ku : ) I'm not a HUGE gi-normous fan by any means. (never date players on the team then it becomes synomous with ice cream dates and cute movies…oh the tangents i digress upon) anywho, i love my alma mater and i miss walking on campus, falling asleep near tulips and my cute little apartment off of iowa street.

Corinne bailey rae…put your records on…the part where the music seems as though it's about to stop and then she just blurts out "girl put your records on!" it's beautiful. love it! my brown people weren't really doing anything for me in regards to the craptastic music they were producing...she came at just the right time to save the day.

so yes. nothing eventful happened today by any means. i just enjoyed the little things. life can be a silly thing can't it? i came home from work, put on my boxers and a t shirt and after this blog i'm going to go over my lines to stay fresh and then i think i'll eat the best burritos in the world with my roomie, big B. nothing big but yet it is...

ope one moment of negative naughtiness...so i have yet another big huge frickin fever blister from my delightful wax my chick gave me. you know i love her to death but she's constantly always jackin up my face and making me look like a freak nasty...do i really need to cut her loose or should i just communicate better? t's really the story of my whole life...apply it to whatever and it comes out about the same : )

that's all folks. love the little things. that's my quote for the week. word to your mutha

can't blame it on the "hor-mone-ees

So lately I've been a peach to be around. Folks at the job have been busting my chops and I catch myself looking fondly at my degree paperweight wishing i would never have started at this Godawful place. Life goes on though and when it all comes down to it, I'm paying the bills. I'm just in this weird funk. My agent isn't doing ish for me. I keep getting these jobs and opportunities on my own and I haven't a clue how to do the ish for real. I can only do so many non paying short films before I want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. Yes, I want to act, but I'd be doing myself a disservice by spouting goobly gaw about how I don't care for the big stuff. I want to do films that my grandma can go to the movies and see...lol. The kind that require a significant budget and give me the opportunity to look at the sets I'm on with pride and think "man I've made it, oh hi Mr. Spielberg, I didn't see you there...lunch? why sure. Let me check my calendar" There's nothing wrong with shooting big and only wanting the best....

Wedding stuff has also got me down...I love it that my childhood best friend is getting married and I'm going back home to Texas, but man it sucks that my parents are trying to put me in the middle--asking if the other will be going and all that nonsense. Who does that!? THIS is why folks shouldn't divorce...when they do that ish they create crazy irate children that want to cry for no reason at all and bite off the heads of all those that step in their path.

I counter balance that madness with my best friend's wedding. She'll send me links to reception halls and such and I just want to blink myself back to Kansas and vicariously live thru her. Ah... to plan a wedding and actually enjoy it. I'm not so sure I'll have that luxury being that I would elope if given the opportunity...no way my folks could be decent to each other...doesn't it suck to be a big kid sometimes?

I would give anything to go back to being 13! All I need/want is some cereal and some old school Saturday morning cartoons, a bike to cruise the neighborhood and I think I'd be set. The responsibilities of being an adult are for the birds I say!

I know folks are curious to hear about the film status...So I'm doing a film called "Chances Are". I play the lead, Kelly...She's this happily married woman who finds out that her husband is cheating on her...with another dude. Sorry to give it away, but you'll be watching it to see if I can actually act or not anyways so I figure it didn't matter all that much ;) It'll be on youtube.com (is that the correct spelling?) as soon as we shoot it and all that good stuff. I'll keep you posted. I met with the "husband" last weekend and we went over our lines and all that. It amazes me how I can lower all my inhibitions for acting....kissing someone you barely know is a HUGE thing for grammama! I'll let you know how it turns out. Filming begins on Sept 23rd. Fashion show for Aveda is on the 21st. :) I'll have new hair and be pretty. Can't wait. :)

Well it had been a while since I blogged. Hope this was a good catch up session ;) luv and kiwi

9-2-06 recap

so i FINALLY get to blog about the main reason i was excited to come to kc...my girl's boyfriend was proposing to her secretly :) it was so perfect ya'll...i actually arrived on friday night and so j, her boo and some of my other buds from college got together at this great restaurant that's synomomous with lawrence called freestate brewery. if you're into the beer thing it's pretty good they say.

saturday was "d day" if you will. we had a fun chill day...went down on mass and shopped, ate at this cute spot i loved during school called miltons and just hung out. for years now i've been wanting a tattoo and i just had this wild itch to get it with my girlie jen so we drove over to this cool little joint called skin illustrations on 6th street and i got tatted up! how cool is that...i got an ankh on the back of my neck...oh yeah people!

then after that we ordered in pyramid pizza...the best pizza in the world..they have this AMAZING crust that you dip in honey. i'm addicted to the stuff. the best part of the night though was going to henry's where we drank sangria and then j's boo popped the good one...he got down on one knee and my girlie started crying..it was so wonderful that he included me and his boy in the surprise. beautiful...it's been a great weekend..and it's not over yet ya'll. you'll have to check out jen's page some time this week. i'm sure she'll have some sweet and memorable pics... :) sigh love is in the air...sing it with me folks!

i got the role!

so the woman that i auditioned for a couple of weeks ago just called me tonight and said they were interested in casting me in their short film...but not in the supportive role, but for THE LEAD! yes ya'll! they need me to come and rehearse with them this weekend...i gotta take care of that since i'll be gone (hee hee) but i'm totally pumped!!!!

just call me phinneus gage

so i'm so grouchy that my crouchiness is making me grouchy...i have this obnoxious cough that keeps me up at nights....i'm going on i believe week three of hacking my lungs up and so the sleep deprivation is finally getting to me. i've been a peach at work let me tell you. i'm fed up with my agent who is hysterically enough lost my headshots and resumes i just sent him...a pretty penny to replace for little ole me and people who talk to me period...sounds nasty huh? it is. i'm making brownies currently to put myself in a more chipper state of mind. the chocolate whiffs are seeping into my nostrils and feeling me up with warm lovely seratonin...mmmm. see that easy. maybe people should pump chocolate aromas thru dismal places...it could work.

count down to kc begins today...two days suckas! wooo hooo!

i was right

i predicted right...my weekend was amazingly chill and wonderful. friday i was pleasantly surprised by this band i went and saw in simi valley. my ex coworker plays guitar and has this awesome woman who sings with him. they did a lot of great beatles songs and then some other goodies new and old. the lady had this amazingly gritty but sweet voice. the most touching part of the evening though was when she was getting so into one of her songs that she couldn't finish because she got a little choked up. when was the last time you saw lyrics affect someone on stage like that?

saturday was amazing too. i woke at 6:30 to the delightful sounds of my little homie, b's child, asking if he could watch cartoons J so i had a good head start. i took my car in (groan) and then b picked me up so that we could hang out in pasadena. i got my eyebrows pretty (hee hee), we had breakfast at one of my favorite little restaurants called mi piace and walked around and shopped for a while. i bought this beautiful (and might i add cheap) dress that i ended up wearing that night too. it was just one of those days where you just chill and do what you please, go wherever the wind takes you....and actually take the time to appreciate the fact. we came home around 2 or so and started getting ready for hermosa beach, putt on our new duds and then headed out, stopping at titos tacos along the way. the BEST tacos and salsa i've ever had ya'll...it was amazing and there was a line for days. (just one of those city gems you find if youre lucky)

we arrived in hermosa and went to this little place sangria and spent the rest of the evening eating, drinking, laughing and dancing...it was lovely...just carefree and perfect.

sunday was pretty cool too. i did my errands for the day and then went and saw the movie invincible which was amazingly great i have to say. i love football even if i can't catch all the games i would like to, there's just something about football season that makes life just a little more better. i can remember being a kid and crunching thru the fall leaves knowing that i was on my way home to watch football with my dad; giggling as he sang the monday night football song asking me if I was ready J (he just sent me a text asking me if i was ready for football just now...see!) some things in life are just sacred and that movie captured the spirit of the game and good ole fashion friendship and love that movies have been missing lately...at least in my opinion.

i have a bounce in my step today because of all of that. J this week will be amazing too. i get to see my girl jeniper this weekhow frickin awesome is that?!!! i can't wait to just kick back in lawrence, go to our favorite little bar that serves sangria...laugh with my girl, hang with the guys, catch up with my college buddies that still live in the area. i'm a lucky girl.

la bruja: creating a little magic

it's officially the weekend and i don't know what it is about this it but i know it's gonna be a memorable one. i can just feel it in the air...

i had another one of those days where things just seemed to go my way. i went and picked up the cd by corinne bailey rae, grabbed some new books for my upcoming plane trips and just hung out with my fatigued bud and roomie, b. it was and still is the perfect day for putting life in perspective. for a quick minute i was getting really caught up in what others would think about my life choices...i was so scared to disappoint those i keep in my close circle but it was making me sick literally. the minute i made an independent choice i felt a frickin weight being lifted and although my current decisions may come as a surprise, my peeps have been surprisingly supportive (thank you justin...even if you did agree to be supportive with the stipulation that i get you an agent). no need to fret ya'll...my actions may confuse, but i always have the revolutionary petunia in mind. i'm heading home next weekend and it's just in time...my girls back there need the rational and put together tish and i plan to bring them just that.

ok enough of that...this weekend i plan to live life to the fullest. tomorrow my girl and i plan to drop off my car at the shop (does anyone want to buy me a toyota prius?!!!) then we're going to the rose bowl to walk for an hour, followed by a nice eyebrow wax, some breakfast...a shower! and then we're heading out to hermosa beach where we plan to kick it at a little place called "sangria" fitting since it's my favorite thing in the world.

it's gonna be a great weekend ya'll!


August 26th will officially mark my one year anniversary of knowing my friends here in California. Its funny that I really didnt put too much on my one year to move to Califor some reason this date seems a little more important. I can remember this time last year feeling like Californians were the coldest people I had ever met. I couldnt make a friend if my life depended on it, but then one random Friday night I decided to join my uncle for a happy hour celebration for his job and voila! I met folks that I actually had something in common with. B will laugh and tell you that I forced her to be my friend and shes telling the truth. I knew a good thing when I met it. Now here we are almost a year later and were joined at the hip. Funny how life works outI love my friends and I love that night because it introduced me to a whole new can of worms that has made my life here in LA quite interesting

Ive been scared to reflect on my year thus far because I dont feel like Ive really done much, but I plan on correcting that this year. I still have things I want to do with my friends to guarantee Im enjoying the process on the way to my goals..its just a matter of balancing such things. For instance, this weekend I plan to go see a workmate's band perform with some friends of mine and then Saturday Im heading out to a beach with my girls to hang out and relax.

Work today is heinous. Im not in the mood to do stuff..more in a contemplative state of mind. My latest observationhuman beings abilities to think of humans as creatures capable of perfection. Yes we all talk about how no one can be perfect, but when people make mistakesbig mistakes were crushed, heartbroken, disappointed, the works. Im realizing for the first time that I was such a person. Theanne frank syndrome (I believe people are good at heart) mentality is always a refreshing and great outlook to have, but when you dont leave room for error you get a hard slap of reality thats hard to let go. What caused me to think this way? Thinking that people dont lie, cheat, lose hope, etc. is very naïve. Did I learn it from the tv or what?! Its crazy. Things have changed lately. Ive had time to sit back and think about life and Ive come to the conclusion that Im not cynicalI still hold my friends to a level of decencythink that for the most part theyre going to respect people and do good things, but I wont knock them for the mistakes eitherI give credit to Nick Hornbythe author of _How to be Good_. Without his clever writing abilities I dont think I would have given this subject that much thought. It's definitely a good read for all and don't get it twisted...he definitely makes fun of those trying to be goody goodies in the process....it's Nick Hornby for goodness sakes!

saturdays at the musuem

i hate myspace. how many times have i typed that? if it erases my blog one more time....and this one was good damn it! i'm gonna try to shake off the myspace annoyances and just get all this out. bare with me.

so this weekend has been spectacular! yesterday at work i had this sugar rush that seriously lasted all day with no crashes. i was dancing and goofing off the whole work day and just having a blast with my buds. then afterwards i went and saw the movie, "monster house" and it was really good. total adult humor--had me rolling and even a little spooked in certain parts. yes, i'll admit it. :) then today i woke up early and got all my business out of the way and then had time to come home, watch some girlie flicks with my girl and take a nap before heading off to the african american museum.

the museum seriously took me to another world. today they had three exhibits; one for celia cruz, the negro baseball league and rwanda orphans. words can't describe how moved i was. i started off in the room that the museum always has which covers the basic black experience. it moves thru african tribal pieces, to the black west, reconstruction a little, the civil rights era and black image in general thru the eyes of african americans (huge important detail) then i went to celia cruz's room and was blown away. i found her years ago when she did a song with wyclef, but i wasn't prepared for how phenomenal she was as a woman. she's one of my new sheroes. she brought this positive force...this happy energy...this "AZUCAR"! that's addicting to watch. they had screens showcasing her music performances and i just sat there on a bench in awe. she had one performance where she sang a lullabye she said she would have sang to her child if she would have been able to have them and it had me weeping...it was so raw and honest. ugh.

the other two exhibits had similar crying effects on me. how can you not cry when you see the oppressed's eyes...whether it be black men at the turn of the century who just wanna play the game or hutu and tutsi orphans...their eyes were all the same. tears kept welling up.

it was a great day to be alive. i can't believe i'm actually typing this, but i'm falling in love with los angeles. it took me some time, but where else can you get this type of day at your fingertips? there's culture bursting from every crevice of this city. at the museum i picked up a flyer for this book reading that will take place in a couple of weeks. it looks dope. it's a book of essays that examine "the simple fact that authenticity is far more complicated than one's choice of words or music". lol...basically the story of my life but yeah. i'm totally down to go. it'll be back at the museum so i'll have a new spot :)

i've been brought back to the middle today. it's these types of day that push me to appreciate life for all its worth. now i'm about to get ready to appreciate life a little more. my boy mateo is leaving me for a new state with his girlfriend....i know, alas i will no longer have my token white boy best guy friend around. he's having a pub party tonight so i'm going to bid him farewell. chug back a couple with him...trying to be supportive. TRYING!

tomorrow i have another audition, but this time it's in burbank so i'll get to go have dinner with a girlfriend of mine afterwards. the whole weekend is just crazy cool. i love it....gotta have these types of weekends more often!

love bugs in act III

"Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright

The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same

Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down."

i'm diggin corrine bailey rae right now so much...you just CAN'T be in a bad mood when she's singing...although it is quite difficult to blog with noise around i've decided and that kind of makes my butt twitch. anyways today was a hard day for acts I and II. I had to go to a new doctor here in los angeles and it was totally whack...had to wait 2 hrs (with an appointment) just so she could sit there and make me feel like pooh but then i got back to work (act III) and found out that this totally cute girl that i absolutely love secretly married someone who also works in our building with us and she was telling me about how he proposed and how sweet and wonderful he is and it totally made my day. all that bad stuff from the morning just melted away (well most of it!) i love cute couples...it made me think i'm maybe not so numb as i thought i was. i've been in this blank state for weeks now...neither caring one way or the other if i ever date someone again...but i think i could possibly some day. the hope is lingering some where deep in my soul :) i feel like i should cry or something. i think i'll just go write in my journal and read some instead :) i can't believe it's almost thursday ya'll! life's crazy like that.

beauty in a breakdown

i was just listening to that song so there's the scoop on the blog title folks. this isn't a dramatic "whoas me" one so you're safe for now :) i'm still doing good...still excited to embark on the whole dating myself thang. today was a good day. i've swapped a couple of emails back and forth with a good friend of mine who has just moved to baltimore...she's doing amazing things and showing those punks on the east coast she ain't puttin up with any bull spit.

then there's my newest buddy (we'll call her a for short) who is totally getting me right now...it's crazy. electronic support and understanding is always a good thing!

then there's me, myself and i. i was reading an article about luke wilson today in Elle magazine and how hard it was for him to get work after bottle rocket...things like that push me to do the things i need to do out here. i don't know why i've been lagging so much. there are these commercials on tv of girls and boys doing all this ish just to get a little extra money so that they can put it towards their dream... (one shows a girl trying to be a ballerina. the other-- a guy who saves and saves to buy a guitar).

i need to get my ish together because the auditions have been funny. i've gotten to a point where i laugh because i seriously have been doing HORRIBLE in them. i need to take classes on that ish lol. i'll admit it! saving up money for that and an apartment of my own though lol. i'm so lazy silly right now. i have to change that. i have to be almost annoyingly aggressive when it comes to my dreams. someone please shake me! ok bed time. just thought i'd pour everything out of my head :) felt good. thanks for listening.

p.s. i just had this AMAZING drink. it's this all natural juice...cranberry lemonade. yummy stuff. it's the little things in life...like a sip of cranberry lemonade that make me melt like butta. now my girl has me watching some crazy scary movie. who will volunteer to hold me when i sleep? :)

on my own

when i say that i've lived alone and independently for years i mean lone ranger style...but when i say i've always lived by other's standards and never went from my gut it's a sick sad fact. for once in my life...i'm tonto-less but cool. i'm making some hard decisions and i feel like everyone's got an opinion on these new insights and choices. it's hard. it sends mixed signals. my girl b says i'm a drama queen and i can see that. i'm that girl that tells all her business and expects her gals to lend an ear...i took advantage of that for years but i have to be a big girl now. i'm 25 years old damn it. i've got some brains...i can be an intelligent person from time to time. i've gotten tish this far and i think i can do a pretty good job of taking her further..it scares me that people don't have faith in my ability to handle stuff. i guess it's time to show rather than tell, huh? i plan on doing some things for me in the next month...i'm going to the african american history museum...catch a movie some sunday afternoon alone...do stuff for me. introverted me is kind of scary but it's worth it. insight sho did take me long enough to find!

saturday morning thoughts

i hate myspace. if it erases one more of my blogs.....OOOO! i'm gonna hurt something. how frustrating is that?! now you understand why the blogs dwindle at times.

so what i was writing (groan) was....

los angeles definitely has its moments. one of the sista girls is in town visiting so thursday night i took her out dancing at a club and we had a blast. dennis rodman was there. i thought that was totally hilarious so i agreed to go to his VIP room to observe the craziness we all hear about but unfortunately it was quite borring back there....besides his pimp suit attire. we left after 10 minutes to go back out and dance.

i plan to take her out today for lunch and hang out...do some cleaning and finish unpacking. yesterday i went out and got a cd case for all my cd's...it was a sad moment for me. i'm kind of weird about how much i love to stack cds when they're in their cute tidy little packages. alas it doesn't really fit with my new tiny little spaced life so i had to pitch the darn things. sniff...don't ask. it's just a thing i have...had.

tomorrow i have an audition too for a short film. it should be a nice chill and hopefully successful weekend. the part i'm trying out for is interesting...she's a lot like me. it seems like a good thing but it would require me to start exposing parts of tishy...secrets to the bat cave... i'm a soldier though so i'm cool :) i'm just happy to deal with some acting stuff for a change

last night i also booked a plane ticket home :) it's time to go see my peoples and get some of my ground back!!! oh yeah baby!

you say this i say that

there is nothing worse in the world than writing a long beautiful blog and then having myspace erase it...what happens to the lost blogs of the world? is there an alternate universe that collects them?...a more perfect world because you know the first is always the best. you always half ass everything you do after that. hmph. i could be mad and kick my laptop but i've decided to shake it off and try again because this topic i'm about to discuss is just too good to pass up.

so my best gal pal j just wrote a quirky smart blog about words: the ones you love the ones that make you throw up in your mouth a little bit...well at least according to her and it totally inspired me. she's right...words can make or break a mood (or a butt twitch) i love the kind of words that roll off your tongue and make you giggle but more than that i love using words in tish-like ways to create tishisms...i would give an example, but will refrain due to what i'm about to write in a moment. others i'm sure do this too...it's the biggest craze in los angeles...coming up with new phrases like "that's hot, that's bananas yo, bet!, slammin, etc." and whatever else. it's great....we all love using words BUT what i can't stand is when people bite my words and phrases...wha'ts worse is when they use them for their own personal mo jo stuff...more than that when they use my ish ON ME! ha! what kind of game is that?! i seriously get butt twitches off of that. i mean i can understand if you're hanging with me for a minute you'll pick up phrases such as "heifa", "chickadee", and my annoying odd laugh but come on...my phrases...and used with such confidence and ownership...tut tut. STOP!

that's my rant for the week. mad props to you jentar for your wonderful blog and the words that made me giggle today.

PEACE, layaz, ta ta for now, ciao, BYE!

lucky strike or maybe not so much

so last weekend was an interesting adventure. the auditions were fun but i haven't a clue how long you wait before realizing that you didn't get the part/role, etc. i had fun though, right? then saturday morning i woke up feeling like a million dollars. i went and got my eyebrows waxed and when i say this woman who does them is amazing...i drive 20 minutes to pasadena just so i can lay down and have this divine woman massage my temples and eyebrows and make me inhale peppermint crap...it's the bomb. i did that and then landed a gig next month modeling for an aveda hair show...go me. i guess it pays to have a good hair day, huh? i was feeling so good afterwards that i decided to go get a tangerine frap at starbucks and then i shopped for "feel good" clothes...you know the kind that are cheap and make you feel pretty. i ended up at jcrew of course because they use the best cottony materials...i got a little something for me and my roomie b and called it a morning. i spent the rest of the day attempting to clean and unpack stuff, but we got hooked on sex and the city (i own all of them suckas!) and thus i had a perfect chill day.

that night i invited a new friend of mine Nato to go lucky strike bowling with b and i...there were countless others invited to the shindig but alas they have no concept of how much fun a night with some balls can be (hee hee....) for those of you who don't know lucky strike is the bomb if done occasionally. it's kind of pricy but it's right down in hollywood and you'll see famous people from time to time...not to mention a nice mixed crowd. we saw a dude from the real world actually. we got there at an awkward time so we had a little waiting to do. i knew i needed to remain hyped so i went to the bar by myself and began to party with a little drink that i love, pineapple juice and rum. ah...why i didn't stop after the second one?...hmmm. i got out to the lanes and seriously fell and landed straight on my knee caps...um yes folks i was the dumb drunk stupid girl for once. i guess we just all have our moments, eh? it was fun though! i broke 100 two times lol...i was a little rusty but i'm a soldier! then sunday i hauled more crap to storage...got pooped and decided to get more tangerine starbucks...tish days have to return...reading good books...good vibes...chill weather. sigh...

my goal for this week is to have more of those moments. one of the sista girls is in town on business so thursday night i plan to take her out to this hot little club down in hollywood and kick it. enjoy life...book a plane ticket home to see my friends and family. it's a good week i must say...a dang good week!

sorry for the lack of blogs...internet was down folks. bummer!

the secret


have you ever had a situation where you've looked in the mirror and you don't recognize the person staring back at you? you have to literally sit there and stare at yourself and ask yourself what the heck you've been doing with your life...ask yourself who you've become...

i've been going thru the motions of living for quite some time and just recently with the break up i experienced i've just come alive. my voice has come back...my emotions are heightened. it's crazy. so the guy that hurt me did a number...he had me at a point where i thought he had ruined my life..that somehow i'd never be able to trust or love again but that was so silly and naive of me...i kind of want to slap the old me. last week i woke up...really looked in the mirror and realized that i'm an awesome being and a fly ass diva if i might add....one poor mistake made by another that i wasn't even comfortable sharing all of my emotions with shouldn't have the power to break me. so i decided at that moment not to put anymore negative energy towards him....it just didn't seem worth it and it was seriously eating me up inside.

fast forward to yesterday. so i'm sitting at work and this woman that i've known since i first moved here called me randomly...so i call her back to see what's up and she sounds so energetic on the phone..she's telling me about this video party she's hosting and she's telling me i have to come. so i say what the heck and head down to inglewood...when i say that was the BEST decision i've made in months....you don't even know. so this dvd, the secret, is a sort of documentary that basically lays out how to have a happy and successful life...and when i say it was a moving experience that almost brought me to tears i'm not being overly dramatic. the philosophies just made sense. i recommend everybody checking it out. it totally reaffirmed my decision not to hate my ex and to respect the good that came out of that situation...what i learned from it...not to think of life as karma rearing it's ugly head at the people that have done me wrong..instead it discussed how to refocus energy into the positive dreams we strive for...the minute it was over i had to be alone...i went out to my car and i sat there looking at the stars and told myself that acting is what i really want. i want to be an actress...i just kept saying it over and over again. some might think i'm hokie but i don't care...i haven't had an audition in...well, i can't tell you how long...how is it that i booked two auditions today?!!! they're both tomorrow. the first one is for a music video starring mya. i'd play her and another artist's friend and then i have one for some reality tv show thing on E. i'd be an assistant. they called my agent personally :) nice, eh? i woke up this morning feeling great. i could see the good in every situation...it totally knocked out any ill wills i was holding...i'm just ready to focus on what i want in life.

the woman in the mirror can seriously knock you into gear when you let her apparently. if anyone's interested in the video let me know and i'll send you the info. it's not scientology or anything that requires kool aid or a cult following..it's just a new way of looking at life and yourself...i'm actually proud of my life..i'm grateful that i have such wonderful friends that continue to make me a better person. it's crazy...just crazy. wish me luck tomorrow! i'm stoked! i want to be a great actress....i want to be a great actress...
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