revolutionary petunia

12.05.2005
lately i've been questioning whether or not i live up to the idea of a revolutionary petunia...strong beautiful fragile and strong rolled into one. days like my last acting class definitely show me that i can be stubborn and strong. i knew my class was going to be a hard one. i've been really burnt out on memorizing lines and so of course that's going to affect how i perform lol..i basically sucked tonight cuz i wasn't comfortable with my mouth...and my partner didn't trust my intended pauses so we just shat all over the whole darn thing...she tore us apart for an hour and then allowed the next group to come up and do a piece from the SAME PLAY ahhh! so of course they rocked it on the first try..and of course my ex partner was the guy in the scene and totally was letting it go to his head...correcting her and telling her how it really was and how she was wrong..his cockiness was quite the thorn in my prideful side lol. he's in charge of our class fees right now...i picked the wrong class pet to loathe i guess. this class is great and challenges me, but at the same time it's seriously starting to make me doubt my instinct that i've always carried with me thru out the years....it's harder for me to tapp into emotions..harder for me to let go and allow myself to feel how the character is supposed to feel..i hate being vulnerable now. it's so weird. i'm going to continue classes until the first week of january and then i'm taking a break to take some new classes and see if it's the atmosphere or just my self-esteem depleting me. how do actors that we see on the silver screen every day handle all of this? it's a trip that's for sure. i feel at times that i'm on a merry-go-round and when i'm finally able to stop and rest, my brain is still spinning and i'm still not able to just be. crazy i know. the holidays are coming up though and i'm going to take that time to really get my act together. i didn't come this far just to break at the first tennessee williams play a woman throws my way. :) by the way i have new found respect for elizabeth taylor cuz playing maggie in "a cat on a hot tin roof" is hard ish! well that's it for now. i have to start coming up with a new years resolution here soon..last year was "strive in the 05" we'll see what inspiration i get when dreaming about all there is to come in 06. :) ps. she freaking critiqued my appearance...she basically said i looked like crap...trying to get me to be sexy or whatever..so i totally over compensated and almost grabbed my partner's crotch...lol. she thankfully stopped the scene but how embarrassing is that!? tish....sometimes i wonder about you

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