what is beauty

10.18.2005
so last nights class...sigh

so i thought i would do way better..i was more prepared this time but i just have this weird doubt that keeps creeping in...these ugly little voices saying i'm not an actress, i'm not beautiful, i'm too fat..blah blah blah. last night the voices were so loud i just wanted to scream. i managed to shut them up long enough to fake the funk...i know these kids are older, have been here longer but when you're there and you're putting it all out there for them to see and dissect and judge it's hard to be idealistic. i do have to say that i improved a lot. the first time we went she waited until the end to talk to us and told us what we were doing wrong...yadda yadda...how to fix it and so we tried it again...my partner kept freaking me out though..in the scene we're supposed to kiss but we made the decision not to..then he goes and tries to plant one on me! i totally ducked it..no no no! no kisses without practicing that...being comfortable enough with the person...ugh. now

as for the rest of the guys... one guy just met with mel gibson to discuss being in a movie with him..um yeah. these are the dudes i'm meeting with every monday. i plan on sticking with this though..even if it hard...with all the voices in my head, the doubt...i can always count on the strongest voice of all telling me that acting chose me--not the other way around. so even when i'm feeling my lowest there's always gonna be something bigger than me that keeps me going...

i do wonder what happened to the tish i left behind in missouri. that tish knew she had something to say...she disappeared out here and it's hard at times without here...very hard.

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