A Divorce: I Am SO Aware of the Gaps

4.24.2014
Have you ever parted from someone who played a significant role in your life, be it a boyfriend, girlfriend or platonic pooper trooper pal?

I did it more than once last year in 2013. It was necessary work because I knew those relationships weren't good for anyone involved, but now that awesome life year 2013 has ended (read: I got married...an ordeal that requires all your friends and family to focus on you with a happy fierceness usually reserved for the likes of Oprah and baby kittens) I'm keenly aware of the holes that were left behind.

In the past I was lucky. If a space opened up the Universe would send another friend to fill the gaps. Now that I'm older...and work from home full time it's just not happening. It doesn't help that my ability to trust is null and void. Friends make for difficult break-up partners. When you share mutual friends it's hard to move on. Friends shift and take sides and I'm unfortunately on the bad end of that stick; no longer shiny and interesting.

I've lost my friend mojo. That's a super hard statement to make. Kind of makes me want to cry, actually. I'm trying to open up and be as honest and sincere as I can be. I'm trying to leave the anger and frustration out. I'm trying. I'm trying...but this is such a weird and foreign experience. It almost feels shameful. My pride has a hard time admitting that I'm not the winner in the divorce.

I think admitting all of this might be good...I think anyways. I don't know what the next steps will be, but I can't WAIT to get to a point where I'm back in a loved space with people who are authentic and kind and trustworthy.

I'm doing some hard work in the background...and it's why you haven't heard from me as consistently...my 'voice' has changed. My spirit has a shadow over it...I feel muffled and a bit lost. Wow! I'm just sharing ALL THE THINGS, aren't I?

Anyways, that's my story for now...

I sincerely hope the next chapter is a bit easier. The lonely stage isn't a swell one, folks...sucks balls of fury, if you must know.

"Don't Be So Scared of the Things You Love"

4.18.2014



Just a song I fell for and have decided to befriend...


That Time I Landed a Part in a Film...

4.16.2014

My acting path consists of tiny, minuscule steps. I inch along slower than a snail in molasses, BUT I'm always trying to move! I'm always up for something. 

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my experience being a reader for a film. Awesomely enough, that time spent with the director and producer led to me landing a part in the film. I won't be speaking (sorry if I caused you to burst out in joyful screams!) BUT I will be participating in a film that I know is going to be fantastic and brilliant. 

BOOM!

I've started receiving film information in my inbox. It's all so exciting and fun...and needed. I NEEDED this. SOoOoo much. Thanking the Universe for the bits of joy! 

Also! If you feel like being a film patron then by all means donate whatever you feel comfortable giving. I give to film projects from time to time. It does a soul good. Especially if your soul is creative. 


The Egg

4.15.2014
A friend sent me this and I knew I had to share.

It's stories like this that remind me I really don't know what I want. I say I hate the existential notion that we're all alone...that it terrifies me, yet I scoff at people for doing things I wouldn't do...I rebel against individuals doing their individual thug thizzle. This reminded me to appreciate all the differences and all the journeys and all the lessons. Thank you friends for keeping me on my toes. Thank you for being different.




Cup Half Full

4.14.2014
I'm no expert on positivity, but this warmed my heart a bit so I thought I'd share the good energy. xo


The Optimist Creed

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. 

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet. 

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them. 

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. 

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. 

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble."

Some Kinda Love

4.10.2014
fbg, fit bottomed girls retreat, powHer, strong women, athletes
Strong AMAZING women!

I've been super silent lately. I have no excuse other than I've been super in my head for the past couple of weeks and didn't feel like any of it was worth discussing until I figured out what was happening.

Have you ever felt like a truly big change is coming? I didn't know if it was going to be a good change or a bad one, but I knew something was about to shift dramatically and so I turned all cerebral and started journaling a lot more...sharing a lot less. I don't know why, but the narcissistic side of blogging just seemed silly to me. I don't have to share EVERYTHING and I'm sure you don't want to read about how I stared at a wall for 10 minutes contemplating (fill in the blank.) I'm still working on stuff...still journaling and waiting for the big shift event to happen so I'm remaining mum on all that, but I AM ready to share something profound that I learned from the Fit Bottomed Girls PowHer Event in Kansas City. (Yeah!)

So this is what I learned: Accept the compliments. Accept the joy. Accept the good energy. Accept all the wonderful love that comes.

Sounds like a big fat duh, but every woman in that gym's light bulb went off when the gym owner stepped in front of us all and challenged us to just say a simple "thank you" when someone encouraged us, complimented us, etc. She gave examples of when we (as women) shrink...when someone compliments our outfits and we say, "Oh thanks, it's just something I got at Target..." or when someone says we look great and we say, "Oh thanks, but I still have this many pounds to go."

The amount of emotional clicks that little pep talk was responsible for...it was beautiful how it resonated. Women were seriously giving the workouts their beautiful best amounts of strength and courage and they were saying thanks with joy when someone would tell them good job and congratulate them.

It was a tiny yet significant shift in energy and I loved it so much. I could feel the good vibrations days later. Heck! I'm STILL feeling the vibrations! I'm still and will from this day forward grow when someone gives the good. I will no longer shrink! I encourage all of my beautiful buds to do the same!

Today and tomorrow and the day after that accept all the good energy!

If you want to read more about the FBG Retreat you can start by clicking here. Spreading the love some more! (Can you tell I'm having a particularly lovely day?)

Slow (Comma) Adults At Play

4.01.2014
Over the weekend Mark and I journeyed to a far away land called Borrego Springs...a place in California that most Cali folk don't even know about. Seriously...it's like we were walking right into a twilight zone town; sticking our hands out asking for more murder please.

Fortunately we didn't receive murder. We got a whole lot of nature, rocks, sun, wind, liquor and fun times with our family. That's the beautiful thing about group vacations. No matter where you go; no matter how few options you have in the activities department you will have fun when you're with fun people.

We learned early on that everything in that dang town closes around 8pm every night. Liquor stores, grocery stores, restaurants...LOCKED DOWN, YO! Was perfect for sitting in the living room, chatting and sipping on delicious cocktails. (My favorite concoction ended up being champagne, pear vodka, coconut/pineapple juice...delish.)

It was a fun, relaxing time. I just wish we could have gotten away longer than we did. I don't know what's been up with me and my wonderlust, but I've been yearning for long trips.

Being that I just received the worst hospital bill one can imagine for dang tests that turned up nada, it'll be awhile before that long trip occurs. But it WILL happen. Oh yes, my friends!


 
The slots are troublesome mother truckers to get to. The picture above was taken right around the moment I started wiggin out. My version of wiggin out entails cry/laughing and frozen bug-eyed gufaws. It's not pretty.


So narrow! If Indiana Jones had been there he would have tripped a booby trap and those rocks would have smushed me dead. The gravity of that did not go unmentioned. 


Koa is a little shit who was racing up and down the slots; totally mocking my fears and worries. He stood in the light of the gods and allowed us to take an embarrassing amount of photos so I couldn't hate on him too much. Too much...

Favorite Quotes from this trip:

"The dingo ate my baby!" which led to the next...
"I feel pregnant"
"Oh snap!"
"Men like to go into the slots"
"They're slots, Tish! Not slits!"



Available for All Things Acting!

3.31.2014
Yesterday I had the wonderful privilege of sitting in on a film casting as the reader. (So basically I sat behind the camera and read the parts of whomever while the person who auditioned did their bit.)

It was so exhilarating being on the other side of the table; let me tell ya! I've always tried to convince myself that parts went to people based on specifics that I wasn't privy to. I tried to believe it, but I still found myself taking things personal. After sitting through a dozen or so actors acting their butts off I got it...and I loved having that experience.

I loved seeing people's choices played out. I loved sitting with the producer and director/writer as the two commented and conspired to find THE perfect spirits for the characters they wish to bring to life. I loved talking passion. I loved those hours on a Sunday afternoon. I'll cherish them for sure.

I've been trying my hardest to be available for all things acting that come my way. I just feel like I need to embrace all parts of my dream so that the Universe doesn't skip me when it's time to hand out lucky moments.

...and I can't wait for that moment!
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