Great Expectations: Our Itsy Bitsy

10.06.2014



Yep, we're expecting a little itsy bitsy April 2015!

Current thoughts: I'm a self-proclaimed tomboy...suddenly doing something uber girly. This ish is WEIRD! I've been super duper sick...like you can't imagine the hell that morning sickness truly is until you experience it. I swear I thought it was like a petite little puke in the morning and then I'd be fine...that I'd go about my day working and doing the stuff I see women doing while pregnant on tv. Wasn't my reality. Complete opposite, actually. How do women film movies in their first trimester?!!?! How do women work, period?!?! It's madness! Madness I say!

Speaking of movies and actors...I'm a wannabe actor with a huge dream...The first thing that shifted was my outlook on my dream. It's not that I've forgotten or want it any less, but I seriously had no problems pausing. I told my agent I needed to get through the morning sickness because auditions and headshot shoots were grueling. I didn't even cry typing her the email. It's weird how I've still managed to hold on to the essence of me and the person I want to be, yet still make room for a tiny. I was scared I'd be one of those self-absorbed mamas who blames her kids for her ruined dreams...or worse--a woman who forgets her dreams and takes on the title of motherhood like it's her new and only skin. Like I said...all kinds of thoughts happen; especially when all you do is lie on a couch willing the nausea away.

Life's gonna be so much more interesting with a little in the picture. Before I learned I was expecting I reached out to women I admire in the industry. The women were super kind and honest and positive. It was perfect timing...like I knew it would happen soon and I'd need to make sure my head was screwed on straight...that I was going in, eyes wide open. I can do this.

I'm feeling lucky I got Mark as a partner in crime. Dude's been super duper helpful. He is the family stone right now...making sure everything keeps moving since I ain't moving much at all.

...And if you were wondering about future writing...Pretty sure I'm not gonna be a mommy blogger. I'm not funny or girly enough to pull it off, but I can see myself checking in occasionally to write out all the feelings of being a mom and a dreamer.

Officially Scared Shitless,

Tish

Spagic I Say!

9.03.2014


Hey...

It's been awhile. I knew those spurts would come. I sit at least once a day and seriously shake my head. I wrote for years...so many posts; sometimes three posts a day and then Poof!, nada. I still don't know what happened. The art of sharing just ceased to thrill me like it used to. I always say if something absolutely wonderful happens I'll pick back up the pen (figuratively speaking) and share some goodness, but inspiration isn't what it used to be.

I was thumbing through drafts I never published and found these notes. Now THIS I knew I could share. No editing because I have no clue what I was going to do with these notes. Just bits from my wedding...which tickles me rotten. It's almost a year; but it feels like it was eons ago. I love remembering and reliving it all. Soon Mark and I will return to celebrate; part 1 of our first year anniversary. Everything about that day was magic. I'm hoping we'll show up and all our friends and family will be there to surprise us and share in the fun times again...

 "If you're fond of sand dunes and salty air...quaint little villages here and there..." 
 "At the River" , Groove Armada


First Dance = Pure Imagination (From Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, but sung by The Cast of Glee.)

Quote on our CDs = "We are the makers of music. We are the dreamer of dreams." (A Willy Wonka quote.)

9.13.13 = Our wedding date and the official day fans celebrate Roald Dahl (Author of Willy Wonka, Matilda, James and the Giant Peach and other books I loved and adored as a child.)

I've always wanted the song, Pure Imagination. I kept it a secret for years so that people wouldn't jack my ish. Best song ever to slow dance to...I know this from personal, blissful experience.

Coincidences? Yes, crazily enough! It was just meant to be that Roald would be our theme for the Mish bash. Not sure if the guests caught onto that...You'd have to be a big super duper fan, but it was a fun little fact for Mark and I when we put all the pieces together. Thank you AMC channel for airing movies with directors' quotes; without which we would have never learned about Roald Dahl Day.

It didn't stop at the wedding, though. We found the Willy Wonka quote on a tree while on our Honeymoon in Maui. Spagic...when spooky and magic make a baby.

23 Thousand Breaths

8.14.2014
I was watching Long Island Medium (guilty pleasure) and a discussion about someone's last breath came up. I took to Google; curious to find out how many breaths we take in a day...in a year...in a lifetime. I'm morbidly inquisitive. Mark didn't even flinch when I told him how many breaths we take a day...he's used to randomly delicious "Rain Man" Tishy.

Apparently we take around 23,000 breaths a day. (More if you workout...so I'll add a thousand extra since I breath like an out-of-shape fool no matter what I do.)

All those breaths wrapped up in beautiful adventures. I'm thankful for all those breaths and all the memories with the friends.


A beautiful day to visit a country music exhibit.


Iconic photography


The heifa avoids the camera like a Kardashian avoids anonymity. 


I don't always see sheep, but when I do I think of best pal, Jenn. 


I heart country music. Well some...not all. The good old stuff. 


Think this might be Mark's first creeper, candid shot of me. I swooned. 


The Other Side

7.31.2014
I recently heard the phrase, "On the other side of heartache is wisdom," which resonated and continues to bubble around in my brain.

It soothes me a bit...and also makes me laugh a little under my breath at the Universe's sense of humor. I've often asked for wisdom; not really cognizant of the price one pays for the stuff. Nothing like a good dramatic moment to cement a good lesson in your brain. Nonetheless it's comforting to know that at the least there's a consolation prize.

I sat at a light today staring at this elegant, elderly woman at the bus stop. In her youth I wouldn't have given her much thought, but because of her age I sat in awe... "Oh the stories she could tell...the history behind those eyes." I love a good brain filled with wrinkled experiences.

This week I've added some wrinkles. Mixed blessings I tell ya...

I've been on avail for five days. Five.Whole.Days. I've learned what it really means to be on avail. I've learned what staring at a phone can do to a person. I've learned not to pick up every foreign call that pops up on your caller ID...your agent will make the call, fool!

On the other side of heartache lies wisdom.

*New Tunes

7.30.2014
*New for me anywho.

I recently caught up with an old friend who used to shower me with new tunes on the regular. We caught up for a bit and then got down to business. I've been on Sia's arse lately. Love her and her little dog, too! Sam Smith, Lana Del Rey and the Begin Again Soundtrack. So I shared that and he came back with The Lighthouse and the Whaler and Matt Pond. It was a good trade. I go through long bouts of listening to talk radio and then I come up for air and crave the good stuff. This is the good stuff.

The songs I'm diggin on the most:








Nine Years: Getting Closer

7.29.2014
Today, nine years ago I set out from Middle Earth and made my way to LA. Weirdness.

What?!

Those they people who you hear so much about always say that it takes ten years in this business to become an overnight success. The thought that I'm now a year away from that magical year has not gone unnoticed.

I shot a commercial...I'm on avail for another (meaning I've been waiting around with my fingers crossed for days...walking hurts at this point.) Stuff is happening in little tiny arse steps, but it's happening.

IF I'm still here this weekend (and not on set) then I'm going to try out a new acting class and catch a workshop. It's all incredibly terrifying but I have this nagging sense that I need to keep moving ahead; scary or not. I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing in this world. I still question if I have what it takes. I still feel like I bomb more auditions than I rock them. I think that's why nine years feels so weird...because I'm not this wise, awesome expert at this point. I still feel green as hell. For now I'm accepting that as a good thing. "Keeps me humble..."

Nine years... where did the time go?

Time Flies...

One Year
Five Years
Seven Years
Eight Years

Ready Steady Go

7.17.2014
It's happening...

Auditions are coming in; flowing like I finally hit the fire hydrant hard enough...my days are exploding with scripts to memorize, places to get to in 30 minutes...it's nerve wrecking, vomit-inducing, stress and I love EVERY.MOMENT.

I'm really trying to remain present. I'm really trying to savor every moment and just squeeze love into every second of every minute and thank God for the now, but like in true Tishy fashion, I jump ahead and wonder if this will continue. I get scared that I get these surges and then it'll go away again. That maybe this isn't the beginning of the good stuff. Then I smack myself and get back to loving it NOW. I'm all about the NOW. Today's now was awesome. (See how I just can't remain present? Jeez Tish!) I rushed from audition to audition while hearing texts come in from my agent "New audition! New audition!" and then I'm memorizing new lines and figuring out this and that and if I can manage...and I start to hope that I'll book like crazy and then I want to cry I'm so happy and in it...in it like I always wanted to be.

Is this when it happens? When I start to lose hope? When I start to question the dream? Funny how life does that. Months ago I saw this woman and some famous actors in a park where Mark was teaching bootcamp. I stared for a bit and then got back to work helping the group, but I remember vividly how bad I wanted to be playing with that group...and then days later I was playing on facebook and found one of the girls who was filming in the park. I wrote her just to say it was spooky that I had just seen her...and she befriended me kindly and I've stalked her since then. I watched her give birth to a baby...work on a movie she had written...bake...I watched it all and then I started reading her blog and boom! I found this video she posted of Shonda Rhimes that made me pause and listen with the kind of intensity reserved for a good Game of Thrones wedding.

I share it with you. I thank Brandi for her blog and for the example she shares with the world. Good things are coming. Bunk winter.


Faith in Mustard

7.15.2014
The hopeful tell me to keep the faith of a mustard seed and ish will be okay...

Some days are good. On those days I remember why I chose this particular path. I remember firmly why I want to be an actor and how it makes me feel and I'm comfortable enduring the bumps and bruises that come with that decision.

And then there are days like today when the passion God gave me for this dream is fuzzy and weak and the idea that some day I'll be on a real set making a real film about a character I believe in sounds preposterous. I'm trying to figure out how many people who have already made it would continue on if they had walked my path. Would they have kept going if it had been nine years (as it has been for me.)? Would they have given up? Would they had been neurotic enough to keep going?

My nine year anniversary is July 29th. I'll be taking new headshots that day. At least I'll be actively doing something actor-ish that day! This weekend I audition for a short film. I shoot a commercial next week. You'd think I'd be jumping over the moon...grateful for the little action I do see, but I'm old and grumpy today. I'm not sure these steps will make a lasting impact. Then I want to kick my own butt for playing in a future that I have no business playing in. Who knows what tomorrow will bring! Worrying about the future is just as bad as moping over the past.

AND through all of that we're trying to have a baby. Every time the test comes back negative a tiny part of me is okay because it means more time to get into acting...more time to walk through some imaginary door that I hope opens soon. I keep stumbling over all these stories of actors who had children and still did what they dreamed of...I watched Vanessa L. Williams' Master Class on the subject. She said she gave up Monsters Ball, a part that won Halle Berry and Oscar, to spend time with her children. You could see the calm resolve and joy in her eyes when she admitted that she was okay with the decision. Sometimes there are more important adventures... Made me feel better about trying, but still... SO.MANY.ADULT.EMOTIONS!!! So many mixed feelings make Tishy a very crazy and emotional chick.

Yesterday I ran into Suzanne Douglas, an actor who appeared in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. I approached her to tell her how much I had enjoyed her work and she was kind enough to keep having a conversation with Mark and I. She asked if I was an actor. I said yes, but man did that yes feel sad. She spoke so freely about how she'd soon start work on a project and I hung on every word wishing I could say the same. I have no idea where I stand so I can't even say so close yet so far. I'm out there blindly.

The faith of a mustard seed...
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